No I'm not. I'm eating. I'm eating, and then I'll do my homework. In the meantime I want to write, now that I have a bit more confidence since writing my first real entry in a year.
Yeah I'll go to college. Wess makes me understand that I'm fortunate to be able to, that I have parents willing to pay for it and I have my high school education almost done, so I have a chance to be well respected. I guess the bright side is, going to college will prepare me for the burdens of everyday life with work. I think I will be happy.. I'll be with Wess, I'll have date nights with him and great weekends and I'll have dinner with him and his family. I'll be happy. For now I remain slightly hopeless because I hate life without him. But I'll have four years living life with him knowing what it's like to have my own responsibilities but be by his side. Know how to manage money, be on my own in a way, able to make my own choices. I'm glad I might get to stay for a year and get a job.. That will also give me some experience. I think I'll be able to get used to living life as a responsible almost-adult and so when we get married it won't be as if everything is suddenly thrown onto us.. We'll be able to know what life will be like.
Wess likes calling me a brat. I love calling him an idiot. He likes to irritate me and I like to whack him. We like to play fight. He likes to lightly punch and I like to wrestle with him. Some could say, we're a 'highly abusive' couple. My parents frown upon it. But we fight like puppies fight. Puppies growl and bite and nip and yip and wrestle around. But they would never truly hurt each other. Honestly I love it. I love that the thought of ever being abusive towards each other is so far-fetched and so ridiculous that we make fun of it. We are the most sensitive and kind people to each other. If I ever got the slightest scratch, Wess would panic. He would freak out and maybe even cry (if he had done anything to cause it). We both laugh so much, it makes me so happy. I'm happy that we can joke about the most serious things and that I feel so safe with him that we can laugh and call each other names. It's so strange. Like being a little kid, full of energy.
I will love going to prom with him. It will be so romantic. I will have so much fun dressing up and doing my hair and wearing/picking the perfect dress. He will be the perfect date. He is the perfect date. So sweet and awestruck by my apparent 'beauty'. He gets so googly-eyed when he sees me in an elegant dress... most guys wouldn't care what a girl had on and wouldn't see the same loveliness in a dress as a girl would see themselves, but he sure sees it. He always thinks I look beautiful.
"I also like how much your cheeks rise up when you smile
And how wide your smile can get
And the way your lips shape when you smile
And how your teeth barely show when you smile
And how your eyes kind of squint when you're happy and smiling"
I'm very lucky.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Music, Depression
I think I've become afraid to write. How pathetic is that? How can you fear a hobby? I just seem to have lost the will and the... I'm losing my vocabulary too. I just don't even want to, anymore. Or maybe I just can't think clearly. Maybe I'm just scared to show my views. Maybe I've just lost something that pushes me to do anything. I think that's it.
According to the college site I could have depression. I kind of wonder if that's true. They say, 'loss of interest/enjoyment towards things you used to enjoy'. I didn't know that was true until I tried to write this. I wonder, what causes depression? Could this? It's traumatic enough for me. Please don't blame yourself. I just feel so miserably alone I could cry, sometimes. I think of all the memories and no matter how recent it was it feels like forever ago, so out of reach, untouchable. It's so hard to trudge on, sometimes. There are days like this when I could just sit here all day; have no willpower to move from the spot. The only thing that signifies that I'm awake is the light ranging to splitting headache that comes and goes with the presence of the rest of my family.
When I get in moods like this I don't really take good care of myself. I really had to use the bathroom when I woke up at 12 in the afternoon, but I didn't go until 4 PM when I finally got out of bed. I was really hungry but I didn't eat anything except what my mom randomly brought me, because I just didn't want to move or get up or do anything.
I've been getting this mood a lot lately. It's not exactly normal for me. Sure I'd be a bit sad but usually I wasn't miserable.
It's funny because Alison Moyet doesn't sound like a singer who would sing love songs but that's all she sings. Some of her songs are really awful and very 80's but others are nice. Her voice is good. It seems like in some albums she suddenly got ahold of her music and made it a lot better.
When I was younger I used to make a hobby of trying to translate songs (as in write them down). That was before I knew you could look it up online.
"I am running up the stairs, I can hardly breathe again. Into your arms, and a perfect day. From the garden where we lay, with the roses all aflame, you called my name, and I meant to say.. Dorothy it's been too long, so long. I looked for your face watching down from the window; wave me till I'm gone. I remember the dress you wore, and you're still here with me but maybe, Dorothy it's been too long, so long."
(Dorothy, Alison Moyet)
I feel like finding parts I like so pardon me and endless quotes. It's a good way to get used to writing. I'm writing what I hear.
"I can't began to tell you how it feels.... It's clear blue sky. Out here my heart, so full, it's fit to burst.. Just counting the hours. Home.. such a long way gone, how to share a day, here's my only way. Send myself to you, wishing you were here. Wishing you were here. I can't begin to tell you where I've been. It's a world behind. And if we are to find our heaven here.. We just have to look harder. Now, I can see you, I never could before, now I want nothing more. When I close my eyes, wishing you were here. Wishing you were here."
(Wishing You Were Here, Alison Moyet)
"I would not have believed you, had I never seen. Now you and I are intimately pictured in my dreams. I could not forsake you fall tumbling away. And if I live in wonderland, I'm better off this way. I choose never to forget, I want our lips to kiss, and our limbs to entwine, let our bodies be twisted but never our minds. Is this love?"
(Is This Love, Alison Moyet)
No matter how much time passes, I always seem to like Kite by Nick Heyward. The music if not the singing. I wonder why. Satisfying sound I suppose.
I can't seem to find a song I want to hear though.
It's funny who you fall in love with. I fear offending people, he tends to enjoy it. I'm obsessively skinny, he's overweight. I'm neautral in my opinions, he has strong ones. I tend to be optimistic, he's an extreme pessimist. I'm a dreamer, he's a realist. I write poetry, he writes songs. I like chinese food, he likes mexican. I'm a clean freak, he's messy. I like to get out, he likes to stay home. I'm obsessed with doing things right away, he likes to put things off. I love anime, he only kind of likes it. I love to read, he rarely reads. I'm in high school, he stopped going. I'm in college, he's not. I like clubs, he hates clubs. He would always drink, I never drank. I hardly listen to music, he listens to music all the time.
This says you can't really predict or regulate who you'll end up being inseparable from. You can say what you prefer, but what you prefer won't necessarily be what you cherish. Strange, huh?
All these differences don't worry me. Because I accept that he's messy, for example, and enjoy going through his stuff and tidying. He doesn't mind that.
I didn't realize until this second that I really don't want to go to college. I feel so.. something.. I feel like it's wrong for me to not want to, first of all. I feel so pressured by my family to go and I feel like I have to to survive in the world. I feel like all my ambitions have gone down the drain. I feel like I can't survive. I can't do this much longer. It hurts so much living like this. Living without him. I feel like there's nothing left to be happy about.
According to the college site I could have depression. I kind of wonder if that's true. They say, 'loss of interest/enjoyment towards things you used to enjoy'. I didn't know that was true until I tried to write this. I wonder, what causes depression? Could this? It's traumatic enough for me. Please don't blame yourself. I just feel so miserably alone I could cry, sometimes. I think of all the memories and no matter how recent it was it feels like forever ago, so out of reach, untouchable. It's so hard to trudge on, sometimes. There are days like this when I could just sit here all day; have no willpower to move from the spot. The only thing that signifies that I'm awake is the light ranging to splitting headache that comes and goes with the presence of the rest of my family.
When I get in moods like this I don't really take good care of myself. I really had to use the bathroom when I woke up at 12 in the afternoon, but I didn't go until 4 PM when I finally got out of bed. I was really hungry but I didn't eat anything except what my mom randomly brought me, because I just didn't want to move or get up or do anything.
I've been getting this mood a lot lately. It's not exactly normal for me. Sure I'd be a bit sad but usually I wasn't miserable.
It's funny because Alison Moyet doesn't sound like a singer who would sing love songs but that's all she sings. Some of her songs are really awful and very 80's but others are nice. Her voice is good. It seems like in some albums she suddenly got ahold of her music and made it a lot better.
When I was younger I used to make a hobby of trying to translate songs (as in write them down). That was before I knew you could look it up online.
"I am running up the stairs, I can hardly breathe again. Into your arms, and a perfect day. From the garden where we lay, with the roses all aflame, you called my name, and I meant to say.. Dorothy it's been too long, so long. I looked for your face watching down from the window; wave me till I'm gone. I remember the dress you wore, and you're still here with me but maybe, Dorothy it's been too long, so long."
(Dorothy, Alison Moyet)
I feel like finding parts I like so pardon me and endless quotes. It's a good way to get used to writing. I'm writing what I hear.
"I can't began to tell you how it feels.... It's clear blue sky. Out here my heart, so full, it's fit to burst.. Just counting the hours. Home.. such a long way gone, how to share a day, here's my only way. Send myself to you, wishing you were here. Wishing you were here. I can't begin to tell you where I've been. It's a world behind. And if we are to find our heaven here.. We just have to look harder. Now, I can see you, I never could before, now I want nothing more. When I close my eyes, wishing you were here. Wishing you were here."
(Wishing You Were Here, Alison Moyet)
"I would not have believed you, had I never seen. Now you and I are intimately pictured in my dreams. I could not forsake you fall tumbling away. And if I live in wonderland, I'm better off this way. I choose never to forget, I want our lips to kiss, and our limbs to entwine, let our bodies be twisted but never our minds. Is this love?"
(Is This Love, Alison Moyet)
No matter how much time passes, I always seem to like Kite by Nick Heyward. The music if not the singing. I wonder why. Satisfying sound I suppose.
I can't seem to find a song I want to hear though.
It's funny who you fall in love with. I fear offending people, he tends to enjoy it. I'm obsessively skinny, he's overweight. I'm neautral in my opinions, he has strong ones. I tend to be optimistic, he's an extreme pessimist. I'm a dreamer, he's a realist. I write poetry, he writes songs. I like chinese food, he likes mexican. I'm a clean freak, he's messy. I like to get out, he likes to stay home. I'm obsessed with doing things right away, he likes to put things off. I love anime, he only kind of likes it. I love to read, he rarely reads. I'm in high school, he stopped going. I'm in college, he's not. I like clubs, he hates clubs. He would always drink, I never drank. I hardly listen to music, he listens to music all the time.
This says you can't really predict or regulate who you'll end up being inseparable from. You can say what you prefer, but what you prefer won't necessarily be what you cherish. Strange, huh?
All these differences don't worry me. Because I accept that he's messy, for example, and enjoy going through his stuff and tidying. He doesn't mind that.
I didn't realize until this second that I really don't want to go to college. I feel so.. something.. I feel like it's wrong for me to not want to, first of all. I feel so pressured by my family to go and I feel like I have to to survive in the world. I feel like all my ambitions have gone down the drain. I feel like I can't survive. I can't do this much longer. It hurts so much living like this. Living without him. I feel like there's nothing left to be happy about.
Friday, October 12, 2007
It's been so long
I'm amazed that I've abandoned my favorite hobby for this long; writing.
I'll tell you all that's happened soon enough..
I'm working on a novel currently. It won't be quite as emo-rific as this blog has been, though. It won't be fiction either.
I just haven't had time, I guess. And I haven't thought to do this.
I'll tell you all that's happened soon enough..
I'm working on a novel currently. It won't be quite as emo-rific as this blog has been, though. It won't be fiction either.
I just haven't had time, I guess. And I haven't thought to do this.
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