Crying over a bowl of microwaved broccoli at the kitchen table.
Crying in front of a lit candle-
crying crying crying trying to believe in love.
[everything hurts]

Spesiel van LoE.
If you still read. Please contact me.

I guess I don't care

I don't care if you know who I am. I don't care if other people know what I think. Or if it will someday destroy my reputations, my jobs. I will always be as transparent as cheesecloth. Maybe even more than that. A cheesecloth without threads. I never regret how I feel.

http://retracing-my-steps.tumblr.com/

I lied

I lied about the every day thing.
I think finals and last 2 weeks of school moots everything.

Today

I don't have a more interesting title.
I feel good helping my friends. It's upsetting that my closest friends are the ones that have the worst lives.
I feel fortunate to just have my brain be the problem. I'm glad my anxiety doesn't effect my body besides perhaps making me tired.

I gave some advice to one of my friends, a beneficial thing. She's getting herself out of a situation she's been in for her whole life. A situation full of icky people that she shouldn't have to deal with every week.
I'm hoping she really leaves. And I'm hoping it really benefits her. She was already sure she wanted to.

Best. Day. Ever.

I found a home.. Home!
I danced the night away. A pretty crossdresser complimented my clothes. I smiled and people smiled back. I danced with Wess and we boogied.
That was awesome. "Do it again" says the brain.
I wanted it to never end.

Become Color Blind

I find an extreme importance in color blindness.
Because you need to stop assuming there is a difference.

I look at the 'not specified' in a race statistic of a school, and I'm almost disappointed. Because then I don't know whether or not the admission is color blind. Or maybe not even that; I more don't know how well we are doing in becoming color blind. Or perhaps I just enjoy a visual image. Which creates an irony. Because in the perfect world, there would be no need to specify race.
You can specify what country you are from, because it provides some cultural information. You can provide maybe information like, how many siblings you have. But what race you are being separated is the most ridiculously pointless thing there is on this planet today.

Which is why the word 'multicultural' sometimes makes me very angry. Why? Because it acknowledges color as a part of culture.
Which it is not.

You know why? Not every asian in USA is from Asia. Not every hispanic speaks Spanish at home. Not every American is connected to their US heritage.
In the United States, it is safe to say, that we are all American. And for that reason, because we have come from so many places in our ancestry, we should notice color the least.

Why? Because it does not say one thing about a person.
You cannot determine how someone will act based on their race. It would be ridiculous to assume that someone who looks like they are from outside the US are indeed from outside the US. So why do we still act like races for some reason are separate in their cultures? In a way that is similar enough to be separated into simple categories?

I'm proud to say, I don't notice or care about race. I don't notice it. I notice how you dress, how you act. I am very annoyed that no one catches on that this is important.
Instead, we have people trying to amplify their race. Separate. Minority.
We do need to fight against racism and against minorities being treated differently. But one step forward and backward is those who accentuate their race as an important fact of their lives.

We should not respect different cultures based on race. We shouldn't assume anyone's culture based on their race. We shouldn't have races that have groups, because races shouldn't hang out with only each other, and they shouldn't act like they have everything in common.
Because they don't. Just like I have very little in common with the white person next to me.

This is something people need to start doing. Don't notice race. Don't talk about it. Don't think of people as things besides individuals. You can describe them visual by their race, and that's it. Just like I can point out someone who is blond. But it says nothing about them, their culture, their heritage, or their personality.
So don't assume a thing. You won't know until you meet them.

That is an important world to make. It's not important to have evenly balanced races attending schools. It's important to allow a variety of cultures into schools, and to not discriminate against different cultures. A person is not related to their race. So Universities making it easier for different races to get in is ridiculous. Because I don't think that race makes anyone different from each other.
So it's just buying more into racism.

Get me?

Yesterday, and Today, and Social Anxiety Disorder

Yesterday, I went to the DMV to get my ID for my age 21ness.
It was really funny, because after the three hours I had my photo taken, and it turned out really nice. The DMV lady said she could tell I was 'an angel'. She says she sees a lot of people and how they act and she repeated at least 3 times that she was certain I was an angel (in context of personality).
I kind of liked that, because I don't hear anyone say anything like that, so if people do find me to be a kind person, I frankly have no idea. My thoughts lead people to thinking I'm a mean or blunt or crass person, which I am inside sometimes but I would never hurt someone with it. So it's nice to see that it's at least noticeable that I wish to be kind, and overall probably am. Because I'm kind because I wish more people were, and also for the benefit of others. And because I legitimately care about how people feel, even to a neurotic extent.

Today I was cutting thick paper, a delicate design from a greeting card, and a small triangle piece snapped off and ricocheted into my eye. Terrifying. I was scared it stabbed it. Wess was there for an emergency paper-in-eye retrieval, thankfully. I'm not an injury prone person so that scared me. The first time I burned my finger months back was completely traumatizing.

I'm touched today. I feel like I'm a faker when I tell people I have social anxiety disorder. Because they act like I'm overstating. And because it's so normal for me. Also, I don't have panic attacks, which is a lucky break. Anxiety feels like it's just like breathing. I have this etiquette that feels like any normal human would have. Guilt that is not very normal, but the feeling of this anxiety is not even describable anymore. I don't know which parts are normal and abnormal.
So when I read about social anxiety disorder, my heart jumps. Because I'm amazed. That's me!

From wikipedia, the best at summarizing, my heart jumped!:

In cognitive models of social anxiety disorder, social phobics experience dread over how they will be presented to others. They may be overly self-conscious, pay high self-attention after the activity, or have high performance standards for themselves. According to the social psychology theory of self-presentation, a sufferer attempts to create a well-mannered impression on others but believes he or she is unable to do so. Many times, prior to the potentially anxiety-provoking social situation, sufferers may deliberately go over what could go wrong and how to deal with each unexpected case. After the event, they may have the perception they performed unsatisfactorily. Consequently, they will review anything that may have possibly been abnormal or embarrassing. These thoughts do not just terminate soon after the encounter, but may extend for weeks or longer.[8] Those with social phobia tend to interpret neutral or ambiguous conversations with a negative outlook and many studies suggest that socially anxious individuals remember more negative memories than those less distressed.

Every single sentence. Every single sentence.
I stress out for weeks. It never ends. I trip a little in front of someone.. For most that memory stays a day, for me, it lasts years. It never stops.
If I feel like I've hurt or offended someone, the guilt never leaves.