I swear Wess' friends will be the death of him.
On his own he has enough on his mind and enough to bother him.
Last night at 11 PM my time and 2 AM his time, Rebekka's boyfriend broke up with her and she went into a near-suicide state.
So far he's dealt with 5 suicide threats from friends.
I know it's 'cruel' and 'mean' of me to act annoyed at people who need help, acting like he should turn them away or something.... But WHY Wess? For god's sake. Can they not see he's not doing the best himself? They have to put it all onto him? Do they have to stress him out more than he is already, give him the obligation to be their constant source of advice and help?
It just makes me sad knowing the pressure he goes through and having this shit added to it. I want him to be at peace for just a day or two and his friends create an endless drama in his life, to the point of him not wanting to wake the next day, wondering what will happen next.
Pisses me off quite honestly.
Leave him the hell alone, would you? Would you do him a favor back sometime??!
Maybe if it made him feel good to help people I wouldn't be so distraught. But the thing is, he feels like shit either way, and it doesn't help in the least.
I haven't spoken to him all day. He was up all night, and he gave up on trying to stay awake all today...
I'm just sick of it, you know? I'm not sick of his sleep patterns, I'm not sick of him, I'm sick of them and the endless things that they push his way. Just all the unnecessary stress they put on him.
I want Wess to be happy. And all of it makes him unhappy. Therefore, go to hell, or find someone else to whine to all day.
Friday, April 28, 2006
Sunday, April 23, 2006
B-l-e-h
I must say, I feel like shit.
So much for weekend rejuvenation.
Saturday night fight.
Sunday afternoon- he has the last word, signs off
Sunday afternoon- I summon sir guardian angel to help me + tears
Sunday evening- I get the last word, sign off. He calls. Talk. Hang up on him. Calls again. Pick up and hang up.
Sunday evening- IM again. I call. More tears, but not mine. Forgiveness.
and now, Sunday evening gloom.
What a fun weekend. -__-
If you don't come back I'm going to go nuts, ya hear?
Could you come back to me?
You know.. the almost happy go lucky, the sarcastic but sweet smartass I remember.
Either that or make summer come sooner so I can smile with you again..
Mom's banning me from the computer because I'm not going downstairs and it's not even my bed time.
What the fuck.
Anyways, hope your weekend was better than mine.
So much for weekend rejuvenation.
Saturday night fight.
Sunday afternoon- he has the last word, signs off
Sunday afternoon- I summon sir guardian angel to help me + tears
Sunday evening- I get the last word, sign off. He calls. Talk. Hang up on him. Calls again. Pick up and hang up.
Sunday evening- IM again. I call. More tears, but not mine. Forgiveness.
and now, Sunday evening gloom.
What a fun weekend. -__-
If you don't come back I'm going to go nuts, ya hear?
Could you come back to me?
You know.. the almost happy go lucky, the sarcastic but sweet smartass I remember.
Either that or make summer come sooner so I can smile with you again..
Mom's banning me from the computer because I'm not going downstairs and it's not even my bed time.
What the fuck.
Anyways, hope your weekend was better than mine.
Help
save me when all falls apart
save me when I break my own heart
save me when I can't do anything more
than feel blindly with my hands
angel save me
----
Joey please help me. Please help me. Please help me please help me....
Falling apart.
Falling apart.
Joey you did it before. Can you again, when it's even more complicated.....
You asked me then..
You asked me yesterday, before the fight...
"Are you okay?"
You knew it was going to happen.
He got like this when he left me.. He got depressed.. He stopped talking..
A week and a half and I thought he could be gone.
He said he needed to get away from it all......
Wess, are you going to leave me again?
Clear your head while mine overflows.
Will you blame me for sending him to speak to you... When I believe all I can do now is hurt you.
No matter how I try, to write peace for the wrongs that I.. have done to you, I'll always fail..
I'll climb the mountains high, I'll fly the darkest skies, to see the fires that I let burn....
And losing you was everything, I'll smooth out over everything, try to find the words to sing, smooth out over everything. I've seen the pains that love can bring, to smooth out over everything.. I lost my heart again, I crossed my heart again..
And dreams of you surround, my waking hours I've found, they comfort me when you're gone....
I'd sail the blackest seas, through storms and oceans deep, to see the fires that I let burn.
And losing you was everything, I'll smooth out over everything. I'll try to find the words to sing, to smooth out over everything. I've seen the pains that love can bring, smooth out over everything..
I cross my heart again.. I cross my heart again...
-Cross My Heart, Yum Yum
....
save me when I break my own heart
save me when I can't do anything more
than feel blindly with my hands
angel save me
----
Joey please help me. Please help me. Please help me please help me....
Falling apart.
Falling apart.
Joey you did it before. Can you again, when it's even more complicated.....
You asked me then..
You asked me yesterday, before the fight...
"Are you okay?"
You knew it was going to happen.
He got like this when he left me.. He got depressed.. He stopped talking..
A week and a half and I thought he could be gone.
He said he needed to get away from it all......
Wess, are you going to leave me again?
Clear your head while mine overflows.
Will you blame me for sending him to speak to you... When I believe all I can do now is hurt you.
No matter how I try, to write peace for the wrongs that I.. have done to you, I'll always fail..
I'll climb the mountains high, I'll fly the darkest skies, to see the fires that I let burn....
And losing you was everything, I'll smooth out over everything, try to find the words to sing, smooth out over everything. I've seen the pains that love can bring, to smooth out over everything.. I lost my heart again, I crossed my heart again..
And dreams of you surround, my waking hours I've found, they comfort me when you're gone....
I'd sail the blackest seas, through storms and oceans deep, to see the fires that I let burn.
And losing you was everything, I'll smooth out over everything. I'll try to find the words to sing, to smooth out over everything. I've seen the pains that love can bring, smooth out over everything..
I cross my heart again.. I cross my heart again...
-Cross My Heart, Yum Yum
....
Thursday, April 20, 2006
April 13th and the Best Week Of My Life
I feel I owe at least some of the story to you. I'll shorten it, but tell nearly all.
My boyfriend of 4 months. My family referred to it as a not-so-blind date. A boyfriend I'd only seen pictures of, talked to, but had never been in presence with. We got together, became boyfriend girlfriend, internet relationship, on December 5th, 2005, and are still together now.
I had a brief fight with him when he told me he couldn't visit during spring break. I wasn't so much upset that he quit the job (which sucked ass anyway), but that if he tried he truly could come. He wasn't old enough to stay in a hotel, and was uncomfortable staying at my house. This was upsetting because I'd do anything to be able to see him, and that includes being uncomfortable with a family I didn't know.. But I eventually came to terms with it, and let it go, waiting for summer to come so I could see him for the first time.
Ends up about a week later, he changed his mind. He didn't tell me this. He talked to my parents and arranged for him to come visit around April 11th as a surprise.
Mom was running a long errand and I thought nothing of it.. She called me downstairs, and I wondered what she wanted. "Okaay, I'm coming" I shouted down the stairs, and I slid from my chair and plunked down the steps...
She wasn't in the kitchen, so I headed to the living room.. In the doorway, my eyes fell upon someone standing in front of the front door, and I quickly recognized him and stopped dead in my tracks. I just stared for a moment, and then made my way through the living room, to where he stood, where I said "Oh my god.... ... This... How..?" aloud.
I gave him a big hug and he returned my embrace.
"Well this is how she looks in her everyday state" Mom said, pointing to my lazy clothes. I chuckled and wished I had worn something more presentable, still hugging him tight.
He sat down on a couch, petting Cocoa which was a strange sight.
He was wearing his black trench coat that I had seen a bit in pictures, and that he had told me about, and his jeans.
We went out on our first date. We walked down to one of my favorite restaurants, China Village. There I quietly stared at him and he laughed and asked if I was alright as he drank an incredible amount of water. I chuckled and nodded, slowly eating, distracted by the shock I was still going through and my nervousness. I sipped my water, and nearly choked on it when his foot grazed mine under the table. I grinned at him and shook my head.
Wess can down a lot of water, and he was on about his 4th glass when he asked for them to just give him a pitcher. While he was on his 3rd, I was still sipping my first.
We laughed quietly and he commented on how my eyes wandered all over as I said nothing. I said to him "Shy, yeah right.. You're talking with no effort and I'm dead silent" He told me that he knew and it was odd because usually he was silent too, but he felt strangely comfortable with me so he wasn't experiencing any shyness. I smiled at that. Before we had ordered I held his hand across the table.
We finished quickly because my appetite was wavering with my nervousness. He had also lost most of his appetite, although he hadn't eaten all day. I was surprised at how little he ate.
When we were done, I called mom on his cellphone and said we were done. We went outside and walked towards the parking lot, looking for a place to wait. I saw an odd little wood staircase that was along a short wall in the parking lot below the fence. A strange little moveable staircase leading to nowhere in particular, chipped white.
We walked towards it and I sat down on the second step, but stood up again pointing to the small spider on cobwebs along the side. He flicked it off for me and sat down, and sat on the left of him, and cuddled up with him. He took my hands in his, leaning his head against me. His hands were larger than mine, and his skin was rough in comparison. Yet at the same time his hands were soft as I squeezed them, mine more thin and bony.
We murmured words and I expressed my disbelief at him finally being with me, at the moment and night being real and not just a dream. He whispered "I'm here, I promise it's real"
I saw the car pull up in the parking lot and saw them before they saw us. I got up and waved, and we walked hand in hand in the car. We were still hand in hand as they drove us back.
.. I'll continue the story later, it's getting a bit late. There'll be a part two. That's only the first half of the first day.
My boyfriend of 4 months. My family referred to it as a not-so-blind date. A boyfriend I'd only seen pictures of, talked to, but had never been in presence with. We got together, became boyfriend girlfriend, internet relationship, on December 5th, 2005, and are still together now.
I had a brief fight with him when he told me he couldn't visit during spring break. I wasn't so much upset that he quit the job (which sucked ass anyway), but that if he tried he truly could come. He wasn't old enough to stay in a hotel, and was uncomfortable staying at my house. This was upsetting because I'd do anything to be able to see him, and that includes being uncomfortable with a family I didn't know.. But I eventually came to terms with it, and let it go, waiting for summer to come so I could see him for the first time.
Ends up about a week later, he changed his mind. He didn't tell me this. He talked to my parents and arranged for him to come visit around April 11th as a surprise.
Mom was running a long errand and I thought nothing of it.. She called me downstairs, and I wondered what she wanted. "Okaay, I'm coming" I shouted down the stairs, and I slid from my chair and plunked down the steps...
She wasn't in the kitchen, so I headed to the living room.. In the doorway, my eyes fell upon someone standing in front of the front door, and I quickly recognized him and stopped dead in my tracks. I just stared for a moment, and then made my way through the living room, to where he stood, where I said "Oh my god.... ... This... How..?" aloud.
I gave him a big hug and he returned my embrace.
"Well this is how she looks in her everyday state" Mom said, pointing to my lazy clothes. I chuckled and wished I had worn something more presentable, still hugging him tight.
He sat down on a couch, petting Cocoa which was a strange sight.
He was wearing his black trench coat that I had seen a bit in pictures, and that he had told me about, and his jeans.
We went out on our first date. We walked down to one of my favorite restaurants, China Village. There I quietly stared at him and he laughed and asked if I was alright as he drank an incredible amount of water. I chuckled and nodded, slowly eating, distracted by the shock I was still going through and my nervousness. I sipped my water, and nearly choked on it when his foot grazed mine under the table. I grinned at him and shook my head.
Wess can down a lot of water, and he was on about his 4th glass when he asked for them to just give him a pitcher. While he was on his 3rd, I was still sipping my first.
We laughed quietly and he commented on how my eyes wandered all over as I said nothing. I said to him "Shy, yeah right.. You're talking with no effort and I'm dead silent" He told me that he knew and it was odd because usually he was silent too, but he felt strangely comfortable with me so he wasn't experiencing any shyness. I smiled at that. Before we had ordered I held his hand across the table.
We finished quickly because my appetite was wavering with my nervousness. He had also lost most of his appetite, although he hadn't eaten all day. I was surprised at how little he ate.
When we were done, I called mom on his cellphone and said we were done. We went outside and walked towards the parking lot, looking for a place to wait. I saw an odd little wood staircase that was along a short wall in the parking lot below the fence. A strange little moveable staircase leading to nowhere in particular, chipped white.
We walked towards it and I sat down on the second step, but stood up again pointing to the small spider on cobwebs along the side. He flicked it off for me and sat down, and sat on the left of him, and cuddled up with him. He took my hands in his, leaning his head against me. His hands were larger than mine, and his skin was rough in comparison. Yet at the same time his hands were soft as I squeezed them, mine more thin and bony.
We murmured words and I expressed my disbelief at him finally being with me, at the moment and night being real and not just a dream. He whispered "I'm here, I promise it's real"
I saw the car pull up in the parking lot and saw them before they saw us. I got up and waved, and we walked hand in hand in the car. We were still hand in hand as they drove us back.
.. I'll continue the story later, it's getting a bit late. There'll be a part two. That's only the first half of the first day.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Lmao, how embarrassing. o__o
Hahahhaha!!!!
Okay, let me tell you a stooory.
Our phonebill came yesterday. For some reason that we all didn't understand, it had constant, CONSTANT calls to Longbeach California. I was like 'wtf, I don't know anyone from there..', nor did any of us. We didn't get it and tried to figure it out. "When were the calls made?" "Well, there are some on the weekend, a lot during the week.." "Well that doesn't make much sense... If it was me, I wouldn't be calling during school...."
Just this morning it occurred to me.
'oh shit.. you must be kidding..'
We actually called the company to try to figure out what the hell was up with the phonebill.... The lady said she hadn't seen anything like it in ten years.
When mom told me this morning that they said it's untrackable, a cellphone, and when I recognized the last four numbers of the telephone number... and that when you call, music plays.... I went 'oooh shit, you're kidding?!'
"Call the number again" I said to her, and she handed me the phone.
I turn bright red.
Wess' cellphone.
-----
Now let me show you the phonebill... Thing is, I've made sure that Wess calls me too most of the time, so my parents won't kill me for calling him so much long-distance.
My mom will never, ever, stop teasing me about this one........
"hahhaaha, I have a teenager!! And she said she hadn't seen anything like it in TEN years, *continues laughing*"
"oh shut up.... -__-;;;; Maaan.. it was over a good month.. it adds up, "
"You've gotta save that phonebill Tanya, you'll look back on it and laugh"
"Yeah... my first boyfriend.. and how obsessed I was..."
Okay okay I'll show you it..... ......
The calls start on February 12th.....
Time to list.
Feb. 12- 2:58 PM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 13- 10:31 AM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 13- 2:08 PM. Call. 117 minutes.
Feb. 14- 3:11 PM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 14- 4:52 PM. Call. 29 minutes.
Feb. 14- 7:43 PM. Message machine. 3 minutes
Feb. 15- 3:03 PM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 15- 4:26 PM. Hang up. 1 minute
Feb. 15- 4:32 PM. Hang up. 1 minute
Feb. 15- 4:51 PM. Hang up. 1 minute
Feb. 15- 5:24 PM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 15- 7:15 PM. Hang up. 1 minute
Feb. 16- 7:02 AM. (too lazy to fill out, I'll only show real calls)
Feb. 16- 3:01 PM.
Feb. 16- 7:58 PM.
Feb. 16- 8:03 PM.
Feb. 18- 12:07 AM.
Feb. 18- 11:03 AM. 45 minutes.
Feb. 19- 6:43 PM.
Feb. 19- 8:29 PM.
Feb. 19- 9:53 PM.
Feb. 20- 5:49 PM.
Feb. 20- 5:58 PM.
Feb. 20- 6:03 PM.
Feb. 20- 6:04 PM.
Feb. 20- 6:14 PM.
Feb. 20- 6:35 PM. 15 minutes.
Feb. 20- 6:51 PM. 16 minutes.
Feb. 20- 7:08 PM.
Feb. 22- 4:01 PM.
Feb. 22- 8:16 PM.
Feb. 22- 11:37 PM.
Feb. 23- 12:21 AM.
Feb. 23- 12:25 PM.
Feb. 23- 12:26 PM.
Feb. 23- 12:27 PM.
Feb. 23- 11:44 PM.
... continues.
I made 65 calls to Wess' cellphone between February 12th and March 9th.
Hahahaha...
Oh god. XD
Why I didn't recognize Wess' number immediately when I saw it on the bill was, I haven't called his cell in a long time. Why? Because in South Carolina, there's no signal. So he can't answer it.
*laughs and shakes head slowly*
I blame Wess for never answering his phone. I have to call like three times to get him to answer it. Which is why I called so many damned times for only 1 minute.
But this is so funny... So I'm calling Wess to tell him the story... Hahaha.
Go me.
He's the only person I call. I don't call anyone else, ever. Pity it's longdistance.
Okay, let me tell you a stooory.
Our phonebill came yesterday. For some reason that we all didn't understand, it had constant, CONSTANT calls to Longbeach California. I was like 'wtf, I don't know anyone from there..', nor did any of us. We didn't get it and tried to figure it out. "When were the calls made?" "Well, there are some on the weekend, a lot during the week.." "Well that doesn't make much sense... If it was me, I wouldn't be calling during school...."
Just this morning it occurred to me.
'oh shit.. you must be kidding..'
We actually called the company to try to figure out what the hell was up with the phonebill.... The lady said she hadn't seen anything like it in ten years.
When mom told me this morning that they said it's untrackable, a cellphone, and when I recognized the last four numbers of the telephone number... and that when you call, music plays.... I went 'oooh shit, you're kidding?!'
"Call the number again" I said to her, and she handed me the phone.
I turn bright red.
Wess' cellphone.
-----
Now let me show you the phonebill... Thing is, I've made sure that Wess calls me too most of the time, so my parents won't kill me for calling him so much long-distance.
My mom will never, ever, stop teasing me about this one........
"hahhaaha, I have a teenager!! And she said she hadn't seen anything like it in TEN years, *continues laughing*"
"oh shut up.... -__-;;;; Maaan.. it was over a good month.. it adds up, "
"You've gotta save that phonebill Tanya, you'll look back on it and laugh"
"Yeah... my first boyfriend.. and how obsessed I was..."
Okay okay I'll show you it..... ......
The calls start on February 12th.....
Time to list.
Feb. 12- 2:58 PM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 13- 10:31 AM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 13- 2:08 PM. Call. 117 minutes.
Feb. 14- 3:11 PM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 14- 4:52 PM. Call. 29 minutes.
Feb. 14- 7:43 PM. Message machine. 3 minutes
Feb. 15- 3:03 PM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 15- 4:26 PM. Hang up. 1 minute
Feb. 15- 4:32 PM. Hang up. 1 minute
Feb. 15- 4:51 PM. Hang up. 1 minute
Feb. 15- 5:24 PM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 15- 7:15 PM. Hang up. 1 minute
Feb. 16- 7:02 AM. (too lazy to fill out, I'll only show real calls)
Feb. 16- 3:01 PM.
Feb. 16- 7:58 PM.
Feb. 16- 8:03 PM.
Feb. 18- 12:07 AM.
Feb. 18- 11:03 AM. 45 minutes.
Feb. 19- 6:43 PM.
Feb. 19- 8:29 PM.
Feb. 19- 9:53 PM.
Feb. 20- 5:49 PM.
Feb. 20- 5:58 PM.
Feb. 20- 6:03 PM.
Feb. 20- 6:04 PM.
Feb. 20- 6:14 PM.
Feb. 20- 6:35 PM. 15 minutes.
Feb. 20- 6:51 PM. 16 minutes.
Feb. 20- 7:08 PM.
Feb. 22- 4:01 PM.
Feb. 22- 8:16 PM.
Feb. 22- 11:37 PM.
Feb. 23- 12:21 AM.
Feb. 23- 12:25 PM.
Feb. 23- 12:26 PM.
Feb. 23- 12:27 PM.
Feb. 23- 11:44 PM.
... continues.
I made 65 calls to Wess' cellphone between February 12th and March 9th.
Hahahaha...
Oh god. XD
Why I didn't recognize Wess' number immediately when I saw it on the bill was, I haven't called his cell in a long time. Why? Because in South Carolina, there's no signal. So he can't answer it.
*laughs and shakes head slowly*
I blame Wess for never answering his phone. I have to call like three times to get him to answer it. Which is why I called so many damned times for only 1 minute.
But this is so funny... So I'm calling Wess to tell him the story... Hahaha.
Go me.
He's the only person I call. I don't call anyone else, ever. Pity it's longdistance.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Written on Mypsace, yesterday
Hello.
Who are you? Why are you here?
Comment because you can, whether I know you are not.
Why did you join myspace? Are you of the extreme mass who hoped to meet hot guys/chicks with big dicks/tits? Oh hahaha that sorta rhymes. Sorry to be brutally blunt.
Were you pushed into it by your myspacian friends?
Or did you join so you could be a bit more in contact with everyone?
I'll shut up with the questions. But I wouldn't mind them answered.
My poor kitty. She's just laying there, she looks sort of dozed or bored.. She's waiting for me to go to bed... I'm bad at doing my homework. I should I should. But I get so restless with my thoughts and inspiration... And I just met another guy from India, randomly. And I talked to Harmony for the first time in five months.
I make a small sound in regard to my cat, and she gives me her wide-eyed look, wanting me to stand up so she can run down the stairs in front of me, to my room.. She lays on her side now, looking adorable..... hehe.
I wanted to lay in the driveway with him, and listen to him talk of how beautiful the cosmos are, and tell me about movies and hum songs from Nightmare Before Christmas.
We'd cuddle and look at the stars and smile..
You have no idea how much I want to..
Little moments. I would do a lot for those little things. Just the feeling of his hands in mine and his smile when he saw me. His bear hugs. His laugh. Want it terribly.
Two months..? Three..? Three... Or four..
Oh I wish I could know..
But I suppose then life would feel like an eternal countdown. So maybe it's best unknown. But I still wish I knew everything would work out in the way that eventually we'd successfully arrange a day for him to come here..
When I think of love in general, I think of the romance scenes in movies, the very strong and dramatic feeling that brings two people so close. I think of that, and then think of Wess, and think to myself.... He really feels that for me...?
I can't see that, haha.
But I know he loves me. 'with all his heart'..?
Such is unabsorbable. I can't absorb any of this till I know it as I see it. See it to believe it...
I can't see us as a real couple.. I can't see this as truly real.. Well.. I mean...... It doesn't sink in. Yes I see us as a couple and yes I get it, but I don't get it, haha. It's hard to explain. It's like saying 'yes yes I understand' and nodding your head, but not understanding the inner meaning of it all. Getting only the big picture, and not seeing what's really underneath.
I don't know love. I never have. I mean.. I don't know what being loved is.. It's just new to me...
I don't know affection.. Maybe that's what I mean.
When he holds me and when I can see him and feel him and hear every word right there for myself and know from it all that he really means it.. Then I'll know. Then I'll understand truly.
Who are you? Why are you here?
Comment because you can, whether I know you are not.
Why did you join myspace? Are you of the extreme mass who hoped to meet hot guys/chicks with big dicks/tits? Oh hahaha that sorta rhymes. Sorry to be brutally blunt.
Were you pushed into it by your myspacian friends?
Or did you join so you could be a bit more in contact with everyone?
I'll shut up with the questions. But I wouldn't mind them answered.
My poor kitty. She's just laying there, she looks sort of dozed or bored.. She's waiting for me to go to bed... I'm bad at doing my homework. I should I should. But I get so restless with my thoughts and inspiration... And I just met another guy from India, randomly. And I talked to Harmony for the first time in five months.
I make a small sound in regard to my cat, and she gives me her wide-eyed look, wanting me to stand up so she can run down the stairs in front of me, to my room.. She lays on her side now, looking adorable..... hehe.
I wanted to lay in the driveway with him, and listen to him talk of how beautiful the cosmos are, and tell me about movies and hum songs from Nightmare Before Christmas.
We'd cuddle and look at the stars and smile..
You have no idea how much I want to..
Little moments. I would do a lot for those little things. Just the feeling of his hands in mine and his smile when he saw me. His bear hugs. His laugh. Want it terribly.
Two months..? Three..? Three... Or four..
Oh I wish I could know..
But I suppose then life would feel like an eternal countdown. So maybe it's best unknown. But I still wish I knew everything would work out in the way that eventually we'd successfully arrange a day for him to come here..
When I think of love in general, I think of the romance scenes in movies, the very strong and dramatic feeling that brings two people so close. I think of that, and then think of Wess, and think to myself.... He really feels that for me...?
I can't see that, haha.
But I know he loves me. 'with all his heart'..?
Such is unabsorbable. I can't absorb any of this till I know it as I see it. See it to believe it...
I can't see us as a real couple.. I can't see this as truly real.. Well.. I mean...... It doesn't sink in. Yes I see us as a couple and yes I get it, but I don't get it, haha. It's hard to explain. It's like saying 'yes yes I understand' and nodding your head, but not understanding the inner meaning of it all. Getting only the big picture, and not seeing what's really underneath.
I don't know love. I never have. I mean.. I don't know what being loved is.. It's just new to me...
I don't know affection.. Maybe that's what I mean.
When he holds me and when I can see him and feel him and hear every word right there for myself and know from it all that he really means it.. Then I'll know. Then I'll understand truly.
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