Day Four Of Hell

Ugh, I'm sick of this.
That's all there is to it. Today at 11:30 I had a doctor appointment. In the waiting room were three old ladies, a 19 year old girl (or so) myself and my mom. I looked through People Magazine for the second or third time in my life in that waiting room. It was a long wait, and for a ridiculously short appointment. All I did was open my mouth, he made sure it was healing right, (about ten second process) and then said have a good summer.
He was old and quite the character. He said that people get their wisdom teeth out early because usually the bone is more flexible, but I had a hard head. With that he said, whatever guy I end up with should watch out. I told Wess this and he said he already noticed.
Current pain level- five out of ten.
The pain killers are sloooooooooowly kicking in. the first two days it was at about 8 or 7. To the point of making you crazy staring at the window waiting for your jaw to stop throbbing.

Last night wasn't very fun, I must say. Wess had a momentary breakdown and I suddenly questioned everything. It wasn't much. Wess just has a lot of friends who are falling apart in some ways right now, so he's really worried. I didn't realize he was upset until I said the wrong things and did the wrong things, so I let him leave.
I was exhausted, worn, and very miserable.
For once, I knew he was crying and didn't call. For once, I thought to myself... 'please, just leave him alone.. please, just don't make it worse..'
Words sting when they're the truth.
I couldn't stand it so I ended up calling after he said he was going to bed in his away message.
He answered his cell, which has next to no signal, so he called me back.
I said I was sorry, and sighed. Mostly silent after that.
He then let out what was bothering him. Lastly he told me what me, his fiance, was doing to make it worse. I took it silently, knowing I deserved it. My mind went to a poem I once heard. "Opening my mouth like a bird to willingly take the poison you believe is yours to administer and mine to take" The words stabbed me on the inside. Truth hurts. Flaws I can't seem to hold back.
I closed my eyes, listening silently. 'anything to make him feel better..' I whispered in my mind.
There was a very long silence after that. I wanted him to say more. To tell me what I did, to make me hurt for it so I would stop..
"I love you" I could hardly hear his voice "what.. did you say something..?" "I said I love you" "..why..?" "What do you mean why? How could you ask why?" "Why do you say this.. why now..?" "Because I do Tanya. Even when I'm annoyed at you, I still love you."

I wanted to cry then. I couldn't. I was too tired, too exhausted. But I just wanted a release. I wanted to cry hard. My breath came out in mock sobs, tearless. "What are you doing..." came his reluctant voice. I said nothing. More long silence, only filled by my breath. "Are you crying..?" Silence, and then "I'm too exhausted to cry". More silence, and then "Equivalent of crying without tears." He sighs at that.
"Tanya.. listen to me.. you're not a bad fiance, you're not a bad girlfriend.."
With this came real tears. Did he read it? Did he? Just an hour before I had written Terrible girlfriend, or should I say, fiance. I won't call myself that until he actually asks. Currently I'm feeling like nothing of the sort.. Just another person adding to the problem. Cried with the words. 'yes I am.. yes I am...' my mind responded. "Please don't cry. You don't need this, you don't need to wake up to even more pain, sobbing will make it worse, please stop crying" 'I don't care' more sobs came with this.
"It's okay.." I just cried harder, pressing my aching face into the blankets on the couch to muffle the sound, tears leaking from the corners of my eyes, hiccuping on choked back sobs.
"Am I not still here Tanya? Did I not say I would go through -anything- for you? I'm not going to leave you. Yes I get annoyed at you, yes I get pissed at you sometimes, but it doesn't make me love you any less. I don't love you any less" Course, at this point, it didn't matter what he said, I'd continue crying. "I'm here Tanya.. please stop crying.." More sobbing. "Tanya, I'm begging you, please stop.. Please calm down.." At the time, I could care less if he begged or got on his knees to make me stop crying. Crying was all I wanted to do. "Take deep breathes... calm down.. I'm here.."
Eventually it died down, though the occasional shudder of a sob would leak through.
I stopped, wiping my eyes and nose.
"Please talk to me.."
"What do you want to know.....?"
"Well gosh.. you just spent.. what.. more than 20, no 30 minutes crying, there must be something going through your head.."
I sighed. "Which? What I was thinking then or now?"
"Both... then and now.. I just want to know, what's going through your head.."
Silence.
"Please tell me.."
Again I sighed, trying to sort my thoughts in my head.
"I'll tell you" "mmkay.." "Just... don't say anything..." "Okay" "not until I finish....."
So I took a deep breath, and after a long pause, I slowly explained everything that was plaguing me. How I was disgusted at myself, how I felt like a terrible girlfriend for the way I act.
I told him how I wished I could just leave him alone for a day, how for some reason I can't stand not knowing where he is or what he's doing. How I hated how I nag him about things, how I miss him constantly. I said that I can't stop thinking about him, that I obsess over him, and I wish I'd just let him have a life. That I feel like I'm dragging him here to talk to me, that I feel like I'm a burden. How I'm upset that I can't help him more. How I wish I wasn't so obsessively intimate, how I can't stop thinking about his touch and what it was like to hold him. How I couldn't even before I met him. I told him I think about it every day and I yearn for it every day, that if I had the choice I would keep him on the phone every night to fall asleep with him, just so I could have the illusion of being by his side. How I want to wake him from his nightmares and want to fall asleep on the phone with him, or simply listen to his sleep. How I feel stupid and selfish with how I want him to be with me constantly. How I wish I could go everywhere with him, and don't want to ever let go. How I feel like such a burden to him. That I can't stop, wish I could, can't, can't stop thinking can't stop wanting and can't stop the need to be with him every moment of the day.

I sighed and with that finished.

He then told me..
I know what I'm saying now, and I know how it sounds and what it means, but I mean every word of it... .I don't care. I don't care that you're so attached, I don't care that you nag, I don't care about any of that. I don't want you to change. I've come to terms with all of that. I've come to terms that you probably won't ever be able to change any of it.. and I don't care.
I don't want you to be less attached.. I don't want you to talk to me less. Do you think I'm on the phone with you all night not wanting to fall asleep with you? I could just as easily say 'I have to go to bed, goodnight', but I stay. I -want- to do that with you, and I want to talk to you that much. You're not a burden.. Ask anyone and they'd say I'm happy to be with you. You make me happy.. It's all worth it, for the times we smile and laugh together.
When I talk to you, I don't talk to anyone else.. If anyone else talks to me, I don't say much. I put all my energy into talking to you because I want to give you the most thoughtful answers and to pay the most attention to you. I don't want to talk to anyone else as much as I want to with you.
I need you in my life Tanya.. I need you. I don't know what I'd do without you.. (at this point, his voice strains, like he's about to cry) I honestly think I'd die without you! How could you think I could leave... I told you.. I promised, although maybe not so obviously as you did, I'm not going to leave.. Not until you do.. I don't care what you do, I don't care how much we fight, I'll move on and I'll always forgive you. And I'll always love you. I don't want you to change.. I don't want you to make those things go away. I want you to be you Tanya.. I want you to remain you, who I fell in love with. All I ask is for you to... To put it simply, not be a bitch when things don't go your way, when I can't do things and when things don't work.. I don't care about the rest... And even if you can't change that, I'll always stay....

With the long string of spilling emotions finished, I whispered "I'm sorry.."
"Your forgiven baby" he said "I love you, with all my heart"
"I love you too.. more than anything

So if I had doubted how long he could stand me, how long he could stand my whining and bitching and impatience, there's my answer..

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, you know? It's so true. So true.
With our fights and breakdowns I just learn even more of how much he loves me and how much I love him, and we somehow allow ourselves to get closer as we smooth the wrinkles in our relationship.

Still engaged, without hesitation.

I'm always afraid he won't forgive me, that I truly hurt him bad by not being reliable or not being good enough.. But he continues to prove he loves me just as I am. He continues to forgive my dumb mistakes and continues to comfort me even when I pissed him off just hours before.
It's amazing, and strange...

Such stories come from this.

Oh, by the way, he's finally sending my Valentine. Four and a half months late, hahahha. Gawd. I sent mine about two months late, so I'm not one to make it look that terrible. But goodness, considering I've only been with him about 7 months, 4 months of putting off a Valentine is quite a while.

Honestly, I don't really care if it sucks, I'm just glad to finally get it. And I love getting things from him. <3

I found it sweet when a few days ago on webcam (HE FINALLY SET ONE UP!!!) he held up the photograph I mailed him. I mailed him a picture of me at 7, with a puffy winter coat and long ratty hair with a poka-dotted dress running with her arms extended wide towards the person with the camera, no doubt my grandma. I wrote on the back 'this will be how I will be when I see you again'

Anyway, quite the long story. I'm done finally.
I guess I should sleep huh.
My daily life can be quite the mess of an adventure. Wess noted, every fight and every little kink in our relationship has always started and ended the night it happens. This I find to be a good thing.

Regards to anyone who reads all of this.
-Tanya.