So yeah. *wince* Dooon't listen.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Kiss Me Deadly
Gawd. I can't sing I tell you!!!! I only did it out of boredom and I only did it because it's Wess and I's song! It's ooour sooong.. And I miss him duh. :P
So yeah. *wince* Dooon't listen.
So yeah. *wince* Dooon't listen.
Today Kinda Sucked
Mmhm. It did.
First thing in the morning I had math. I woke late so I did all my studying at school.. Got to school early so I had some time. But of course the final is reviewing all the things I found confusing.. The little substitution and solving equations crap that I get confused in...
So my head was buzzy upon starting the test and I ended up going slow so I was the very last person to turn in my test. Even though it was multiple choice. Even then there were some questions I simply guessed on because I didn't know how. Upon turning in the test the teacher asked "are you alright with everything? You seemed nervous this morning" and I replied "yeah.. I'm just a bit flakey on all this".
The next period I had normal class, and it was biology. We played Jeopardy the entire period.
I'm socially anxious therefore those little competitive classroom games = hell. I hate being put on the spot and being responsible for bringing my team down. Course there was no way to get out of it. We take turns being responsible for raising the card (the 'buzzer') and answering the question. Every time it was my turn I hoped to get a hard question so I would have a good excuse to not answer, as that I didn't know.
At first I was relieved, because I was in a group of people who didn't study, so they knew no better than I. But I soon found I had one competitive person whom winning was important to. So every time it was my turn he'd tell me to 'raise it raise it', and when I didn't because I couldn't answer the question, he'd get annoyed at me. "I knew the answer!! Why didn't you raise it??" The few times I did raise it and didn't know, he'd whisper random answers and I felt dumb stuttering between ten and twenty-two. The 'buzzer' rotated between four, so I had temporary relief, but not for long. By the third or so time of me raising to too late, he went "TANYA!! What did I tell you? Gah!" loud enough to turn heads in the temporary silence. I tried to just laugh it off but I was embarrassed and terribly stressed.
The next period was less of a burden, my Language Arts final. Only trouble is, I think I got a C. He graded us on the notebooks alone we kept throughout the semester, and I think he took down points for me having a makeshift folder in it instead of one that was already built in. "Didn't believe me at the beginning of the year huh?" "I couldn't find one with folders"
Teacher made fun of me and I shrugged. Sarcasm of how living in a small town it's hard to find a store with those kind of notebooks. It's not my fault.. We looked and looked and no one seemed to have any two section notebook with built in folders.
Some days ago he said that I was raised by wolves, holding my pencil that way.
So today sucked. I feel screwed.
Because the finals to come, harder, no easier.
And the only year I want good grades- I can't get them. The only year I need to get good grades... Damn. I want to get into the college..
I get all A's every year but THIS year. It pisses me off.
The only year I need it!
I'm dreading tomorrow. Tomorrow I have to run for a final, all the way around Green Lake, and then I have to write an essay on some historical thing from memory. God. Help me.
And then on the last day, biology and Japanese, the two hardest of all. How the hell do I study for Japanese.... I could hardly understand the page she gave us as a freebie.
I'm so very much dreading all this...
First thing in the morning I had math. I woke late so I did all my studying at school.. Got to school early so I had some time. But of course the final is reviewing all the things I found confusing.. The little substitution and solving equations crap that I get confused in...
So my head was buzzy upon starting the test and I ended up going slow so I was the very last person to turn in my test. Even though it was multiple choice. Even then there were some questions I simply guessed on because I didn't know how. Upon turning in the test the teacher asked "are you alright with everything? You seemed nervous this morning" and I replied "yeah.. I'm just a bit flakey on all this".
The next period I had normal class, and it was biology. We played Jeopardy the entire period.
I'm socially anxious therefore those little competitive classroom games = hell. I hate being put on the spot and being responsible for bringing my team down. Course there was no way to get out of it. We take turns being responsible for raising the card (the 'buzzer') and answering the question. Every time it was my turn I hoped to get a hard question so I would have a good excuse to not answer, as that I didn't know.
At first I was relieved, because I was in a group of people who didn't study, so they knew no better than I. But I soon found I had one competitive person whom winning was important to. So every time it was my turn he'd tell me to 'raise it raise it', and when I didn't because I couldn't answer the question, he'd get annoyed at me. "I knew the answer!! Why didn't you raise it??" The few times I did raise it and didn't know, he'd whisper random answers and I felt dumb stuttering between ten and twenty-two. The 'buzzer' rotated between four, so I had temporary relief, but not for long. By the third or so time of me raising to too late, he went "TANYA!! What did I tell you? Gah!" loud enough to turn heads in the temporary silence. I tried to just laugh it off but I was embarrassed and terribly stressed.
The next period was less of a burden, my Language Arts final. Only trouble is, I think I got a C. He graded us on the notebooks alone we kept throughout the semester, and I think he took down points for me having a makeshift folder in it instead of one that was already built in. "Didn't believe me at the beginning of the year huh?" "I couldn't find one with folders"
Teacher made fun of me and I shrugged. Sarcasm of how living in a small town it's hard to find a store with those kind of notebooks. It's not my fault.. We looked and looked and no one seemed to have any two section notebook with built in folders.
Some days ago he said that I was raised by wolves, holding my pencil that way.
So today sucked. I feel screwed.
Because the finals to come, harder, no easier.
And the only year I want good grades- I can't get them. The only year I need to get good grades... Damn. I want to get into the college..
I get all A's every year but THIS year. It pisses me off.
The only year I need it!
I'm dreading tomorrow. Tomorrow I have to run for a final, all the way around Green Lake, and then I have to write an essay on some historical thing from memory. God. Help me.
And then on the last day, biology and Japanese, the two hardest of all. How the hell do I study for Japanese.... I could hardly understand the page she gave us as a freebie.
I'm so very much dreading all this...
Laughing, Remembering
Night before finals and I can't sleep soundly, so I go up to look through cute moments.
Gaaaaaaaaawd it still makes me grin and bubble inside reading this, because it's so damned cute dorky and retarded and I love it.
-leans forward so our noses touch, a semi-serious look on his face- Hi
hi
-with a straight face, our noses still touching, his eyebrow raising as you laugh- Nice weather today, huh?
*glances at your eyes* mmmmhm
-his eyes stay focused onto yours, never moving except to glance back and forth between each eye, the semi-serious expression on his face, he smiles as you do- -his smile fades and his expressions turns back to semi-serious as he continues to look you straight in the eye, our noses still pressing against one another, he whispers in a serious voice- You know ma'am, it's not every day a pretty girl walks up to me on the street and puts there face against mine, is this going to cost me anything? -he smiles warmly-
*"well.." I say, laughing* *she grins "only a kiss"*
-his hand reaches up and his index finger glides against the surface of your lips, as he does so his eyes continue to look straight into yours, his semi-serious expression turns to one of happiness, he smiles, letting his index finger run over your cheek, he whispers "Gladly madame..." he leans his head forward, kissing your lips softly-
*she giggles*
-as he breaks the kiss his head strays over to your ear, he whispers so seriously, yet so lovingly "Ma'am, I do believe I love you" he kisses your ear and chuckles-
"come to sweep me off my feet, sweet stranger?"
-he smiles, whispering "I left my white horse and shining armor at home, hopefully a brown Jeep and raggedy clothes will do"-
"with those eyes and those lips, anything would do"
-kisses your forehead lightly before resting his head atop of yours, he says, as though he wants you to hear but at the same time talking to himself "I wouldn't be able to make it without you"-
*she smiles, wrapping her arms gently around your waist* "you're quite the charming man, sir"
-his hands rest upon the sides of your head and he gently pushes you away and lifting your head up so he can look you in the eyes, he smiles back at you, laughing lightly, that semi-serious expression returns "I try my best.."-
"pretty well for trying, sir, because I believe you've stolen my heart, and I'm not going to ask for it back"
-he smiles warmly "Good because I don't want to give it back"
*cups your face in her hands, looking into your eyes.. "I don't need a knight in shining armor, I don't need someone perfect, honestly, I believe all I need is you, kind sir" she smiles*
-he smiles back, chuckling to himself, sighing happily and nodding to you "I'm yours...for as long as you wish to have me, I'll always be here" his hands lay on top of yours "that's a promise madame" he nudges his forehead onto yours-
*a smile spreads across her lips "do you believe in true love, sir?"*
-strokes the tops of your hands with his thumbs, smiling as he watches you smile, he chuckles "Yes ma'am, I believe in you" he giggles quietly to himself and smiles at you, blushing-
Gaaaaaaaaawd it still makes me grin and bubble inside reading this, because it's so damned cute dorky and retarded and I love it.
-leans forward so our noses touch, a semi-serious look on his face- Hi
hi
-with a straight face, our noses still touching, his eyebrow raising as you laugh- Nice weather today, huh?
*glances at your eyes* mmmmhm
-his eyes stay focused onto yours, never moving except to glance back and forth between each eye, the semi-serious expression on his face, he smiles as you do- -his smile fades and his expressions turns back to semi-serious as he continues to look you straight in the eye, our noses still pressing against one another, he whispers in a serious voice- You know ma'am, it's not every day a pretty girl walks up to me on the street and puts there face against mine, is this going to cost me anything? -he smiles warmly-
*"well.." I say, laughing* *she grins "only a kiss"*
-his hand reaches up and his index finger glides against the surface of your lips, as he does so his eyes continue to look straight into yours, his semi-serious expression turns to one of happiness, he smiles, letting his index finger run over your cheek, he whispers "Gladly madame..." he leans his head forward, kissing your lips softly-
*she giggles*
-as he breaks the kiss his head strays over to your ear, he whispers so seriously, yet so lovingly "Ma'am, I do believe I love you" he kisses your ear and chuckles-
"come to sweep me off my feet, sweet stranger?"
-he smiles, whispering "I left my white horse and shining armor at home, hopefully a brown Jeep and raggedy clothes will do"-
"with those eyes and those lips, anything would do"
-kisses your forehead lightly before resting his head atop of yours, he says, as though he wants you to hear but at the same time talking to himself "I wouldn't be able to make it without you"-
*she smiles, wrapping her arms gently around your waist* "you're quite the charming man, sir"
-his hands rest upon the sides of your head and he gently pushes you away and lifting your head up so he can look you in the eyes, he smiles back at you, laughing lightly, that semi-serious expression returns "I try my best.."-
"pretty well for trying, sir, because I believe you've stolen my heart, and I'm not going to ask for it back"
-he smiles warmly "Good because I don't want to give it back"
*cups your face in her hands, looking into your eyes.. "I don't need a knight in shining armor, I don't need someone perfect, honestly, I believe all I need is you, kind sir" she smiles*
-he smiles back, chuckling to himself, sighing happily and nodding to you "I'm yours...for as long as you wish to have me, I'll always be here" his hands lay on top of yours "that's a promise madame" he nudges his forehead onto yours-
*a smile spreads across her lips "do you believe in true love, sir?"*
-strokes the tops of your hands with his thumbs, smiling as he watches you smile, he chuckles "Yes ma'am, I believe in you" he giggles quietly to himself and smiles at you, blushing-
Monday, January 30, 2006
Bwahaha
I just signed up to Audioblogger, so you may be hearing my voice sometime soon. ^__^
Haha. Fuuun. :D
I can harass you all by updating with "HELLO! I'm at school!" "HELLO! I'm in the car!" etc etc.
--
NO SINGING. T___T
That'd be bad. :P
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Anyway, I got an email from Wess. So I'm not worried anymore. He'll be back in April. The noob is like, skipping V-day and my birthday, but whatever. As long as he drags himself here in the summer.
I love him. I want to hug him soo much. I guess I'll have to look through my chat logs and grin at those, as that I can't talk to him. MUSHY=YAY
I'm hungry. And shit, finals. Fiiinals. Scary finals. T__T AHgh.
They start tomorrow morning. I'm waking at 4 AM FOR SURE! :D Man, suddenly three hours doesn't sound like enough.
Haha. Fuuun. :D
I can harass you all by updating with "HELLO! I'm at school!" "HELLO! I'm in the car!" etc etc.
--
NO SINGING. T___T
That'd be bad. :P
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Anyway, I got an email from Wess. So I'm not worried anymore. He'll be back in April. The noob is like, skipping V-day and my birthday, but whatever. As long as he drags himself here in the summer.
I love him. I want to hug him soo much. I guess I'll have to look through my chat logs and grin at those, as that I can't talk to him. MUSHY=YAY
I'm hungry. And shit, finals. Fiiinals. Scary finals. T__T AHgh.
They start tomorrow morning. I'm waking at 4 AM FOR SURE! :D Man, suddenly three hours doesn't sound like enough.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Meh
Talked to Zach, he taught me the joys of.. ccs..? Yeah.
And less worried now.. I think.
And this quote is for Wess-
"Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds" -Franklin Roosevelt
So true.
And less worried now.. I think.
And this quote is for Wess-
"Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds" -Franklin Roosevelt
So true.
Oh Joy
His ex Sammi is talking to me now. Great.
She left a comment on my blog. Not this one, but evil myspace.
Must she increase my paranoia?
Acting like he's pulling on me what he pulled on her. The being 'gone from the internet' when really he just stopped talking to her.
I wish I knew he loved me so much as not to do that to me. But did he not love her?
I hope not to be the same naive girl I was before. I hope that I have nothing to fear, Wess.
I find it funny that you claim to have little trust yet you trust me, and that I claim to trust yet I don't now. My trust.. It comes easy, but only with reassurance.
I pray that you won't betray my trust.
I trust you but will I too much?
Please.
If your heart is mine to break, please don't take mine and break it first.
If you're still convinced that it won't take long for me to find someone else who's 'better for me' and move on from you, then you're a fool.
I write to you in a journal each night. Because I miss you. It was going to be a gift I think? Valentine's day, birthday, something. I was going to write to you and draw things in it and crap, I don't know. Just a book of sweet things.
Now it's turned into a book to write to you in on long nights when I can't sleep.
I dreamt you came back last night. It sucks.
She left a comment on my blog. Not this one, but evil myspace.
Must she increase my paranoia?
Acting like he's pulling on me what he pulled on her. The being 'gone from the internet' when really he just stopped talking to her.
I wish I knew he loved me so much as not to do that to me. But did he not love her?
I hope not to be the same naive girl I was before. I hope that I have nothing to fear, Wess.
I find it funny that you claim to have little trust yet you trust me, and that I claim to trust yet I don't now. My trust.. It comes easy, but only with reassurance.
I pray that you won't betray my trust.
I trust you but will I too much?
Please.
If your heart is mine to break, please don't take mine and break it first.
If you're still convinced that it won't take long for me to find someone else who's 'better for me' and move on from you, then you're a fool.
I write to you in a journal each night. Because I miss you. It was going to be a gift I think? Valentine's day, birthday, something. I was going to write to you and draw things in it and crap, I don't know. Just a book of sweet things.
Now it's turned into a book to write to you in on long nights when I can't sleep.
I dreamt you came back last night. It sucks.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
I have this missing empty feeling inside.. It's.. a pain in the ass.
I mean..
I feel like I have to do something, need something, that something is missing. I've tried cookies, I've tried museums, I've tried going out (yet everything is closed), yet nothing seems to fill this. ..
I want Wess.. I want to talk to him and know he's okay and sleep soundly knowing I'll have messages in the morning.
God how I miss those messages.
I hope I see him again..
I mean..
I feel like I have to do something, need something, that something is missing. I've tried cookies, I've tried museums, I've tried going out (yet everything is closed), yet nothing seems to fill this. ..
I want Wess.. I want to talk to him and know he's okay and sleep soundly knowing I'll have messages in the morning.
God how I miss those messages.
I hope I see him again..
Tishbite
He'll be back..
Cindy thinks he will, so I won't worry.
He loves me. So how could he leave me for good, when he wanted so much to stay with me?
Wess, I promise, you're still in my heart and always will be.
If you are to decide you still want to be with me, I'm here. I'll be here. And I'll be waiting for your return, you know.
Titled Tishbite because at first it was 'tish', but then it reminded me of the song Tishbite by Cocteau Twins. I couldn't remember what the song sounded like or the lyrics, but it seems funny that I am to think of it now, looking it up and listening. The lyrics are this-
Here am I at a loss I
Don't know what to do
Feel like a waterless Nile
Come here just hold me
To feel safe enough to some
Daring to senses sure
A fable look what happens when
I don't risk losing you
There's no guarantee
How are we to know if the response is coming
I'm in the wrong place
Is it like a, is it like a
Is it like a dream
How does it, how does it
(deep background voice)Seem very untrue
Is it like a, Is it like a, is it like a dream
How does it, how does it
(deep background voice)Seem very untrue
I feel a connection, a deep connection
But it's not reflected
In time spent together
It's reflected cycle
Clear imaginary
Is it like a, is it like a, is it like a dream
(this mountain of pleasure)
How does it, how does it, seem very untrue
(oh oh I want to get lost in it)
Is it like a, is it like a, is it like a dream
(sleeping like a baby)
How does it, how does it, seem very untrue
(still you're asleep, still you're asleep)
Is it like a, is it like a, is it like a dream
How does it, how does it, seem very untrue
(oh until I don't know where you end and, I begin
Until I just, carry it in me carry it in me carry it in me
I wanna get lost)
Cindy thinks he will, so I won't worry.
He loves me. So how could he leave me for good, when he wanted so much to stay with me?
Wess, I promise, you're still in my heart and always will be.
If you are to decide you still want to be with me, I'm here. I'll be here. And I'll be waiting for your return, you know.
Titled Tishbite because at first it was 'tish', but then it reminded me of the song Tishbite by Cocteau Twins. I couldn't remember what the song sounded like or the lyrics, but it seems funny that I am to think of it now, looking it up and listening. The lyrics are this-
Here am I at a loss I
Don't know what to do
Feel like a waterless Nile
Come here just hold me
To feel safe enough to some
Daring to senses sure
A fable look what happens when
I don't risk losing you
There's no guarantee
How are we to know if the response is coming
I'm in the wrong place
Is it like a, is it like a
Is it like a dream
How does it, how does it
(deep background voice)Seem very untrue
Is it like a, Is it like a, is it like a dream
How does it, how does it
(deep background voice)Seem very untrue
I feel a connection, a deep connection
But it's not reflected
In time spent together
It's reflected cycle
Clear imaginary
Is it like a, is it like a, is it like a dream
(this mountain of pleasure)
How does it, how does it, seem very untrue
(oh oh I want to get lost in it)
Is it like a, is it like a, is it like a dream
(sleeping like a baby)
How does it, how does it, seem very untrue
(still you're asleep, still you're asleep)
Is it like a, is it like a, is it like a dream
How does it, how does it, seem very untrue
(oh until I don't know where you end and, I begin
Until I just, carry it in me carry it in me carry it in me
I wanna get lost)
Friday, January 27, 2006
Fuck No
As if.
I'm not moving on.
I refuse.
I will not.
I do not.
I shall not.
If I do, well, surprised I'll be.
But NO.
I fucking want Wess, only Wess, no one else.
WESS if you move on and find someone else when I still love you I won't forgive you.
I love you I love you I love you I love you. And I always will.
Bastard.
YOU CAN LEAVE AND BE GONE YEARS BUT I'M NOT GIVING UP ON YOU.
I'll find you, and damn it you'll be mine.
If you still would love me by then, that is beyond me.
Is your heart still mine? Will it be?
You said you weren't going anywhere. Breaking your word, can you at least have the decency to take me back if I come all the way there to ask you once more?
You said yes, two days after she was gone, on the day that I asked you.
When you knew, another long distance relationship, another hell. And you can't know.
If I'm there, face to face, will you believe me? Will you say yes then? Would you love me?
Would you, do you, do you still love me as you said you would?
You said you could find someone else and be happy, you could leave and find someone who was there with you, but..
"I could go find someone else that I don't care about as much and just be happy...
That's not what I want though because they aren't you...they aren't the person who sat by my side the whole time...made me smile through all the worst shit...
Fuck Tanya, I don't care what you're like in person....right here and now I'm saying I don't give a shit
Even if I find something about you that annoys the shit out of me, I will still stay with you until you flick me off your shoulder because I care about you so damn much..."
"I don't want it to end, I don't want it to....I'll say it again
I DONT WANT IT TO END"
You said this.. You said this- you said this you said this you said this. Can I believe you meant it? Was it just a breakdown, or did you mean those words?
Why were you so afraid of me leaving, when you were the one who left?
It's so... ironic.
Boys can never hold up to Valentine's Day. Do you know, to this day, a boy has never given me a Valentine. Bitches.
Two said they'd send me a birthday present and never did. Valentine's day just went by with no questions asked.
At least Wess had the decency to send me an xmas present.
So I know he's not like they were.
Still bugs me how February seems to bring so much shit.
Yaa.. Time to find things to pass the time. As I wait for days months to pass.. So I can see him.
I want to see him.
I will go there one day. Maybe soon. Maybe not. But I will. I want to fucking hug him. I've waited too long. I will be waiting longer.
But I can wait. And I will.
Fuck boys. Go to hell. I'm not date material. Because I fucking will not be dating.
Pishhh..
*glare*
:P I don't really have to worry though. That guy asking me for my picture was a fluke.
If a guy ever asks me out I will be laughing. I still don't see that happening.
But I'm not going to ever ask anyone out.
Because I'm stubborn.
AND I LOVE WESS.
*hiss*
*pout*
I'm not going anywhere you fucking retard. I'm staying right here and I'll be seeing you.
T_T.
I'm not moving on.
I refuse.
I will not.
I do not.
I shall not.
If I do, well, surprised I'll be.
But NO.
I fucking want Wess, only Wess, no one else.
WESS if you move on and find someone else when I still love you I won't forgive you.
I love you I love you I love you I love you. And I always will.
Bastard.
YOU CAN LEAVE AND BE GONE YEARS BUT I'M NOT GIVING UP ON YOU.
I'll find you, and damn it you'll be mine.
If you still would love me by then, that is beyond me.
Is your heart still mine? Will it be?
You said you weren't going anywhere. Breaking your word, can you at least have the decency to take me back if I come all the way there to ask you once more?
You said yes, two days after she was gone, on the day that I asked you.
When you knew, another long distance relationship, another hell. And you can't know.
If I'm there, face to face, will you believe me? Will you say yes then? Would you love me?
Would you, do you, do you still love me as you said you would?
You said you could find someone else and be happy, you could leave and find someone who was there with you, but..
"I could go find someone else that I don't care about as much and just be happy...
That's not what I want though because they aren't you...they aren't the person who sat by my side the whole time...made me smile through all the worst shit...
Fuck Tanya, I don't care what you're like in person....right here and now I'm saying I don't give a shit
Even if I find something about you that annoys the shit out of me, I will still stay with you until you flick me off your shoulder because I care about you so damn much..."
"I don't want it to end, I don't want it to....I'll say it again
I DONT WANT IT TO END"
You said this.. You said this- you said this you said this you said this. Can I believe you meant it? Was it just a breakdown, or did you mean those words?
Why were you so afraid of me leaving, when you were the one who left?
It's so... ironic.
Boys can never hold up to Valentine's Day. Do you know, to this day, a boy has never given me a Valentine. Bitches.
Two said they'd send me a birthday present and never did. Valentine's day just went by with no questions asked.
At least Wess had the decency to send me an xmas present.
So I know he's not like they were.
Still bugs me how February seems to bring so much shit.
Yaa.. Time to find things to pass the time. As I wait for days months to pass.. So I can see him.
I want to see him.
I will go there one day. Maybe soon. Maybe not. But I will. I want to fucking hug him. I've waited too long. I will be waiting longer.
But I can wait. And I will.
Fuck boys. Go to hell. I'm not date material. Because I fucking will not be dating.
Pishhh..
*glare*
:P I don't really have to worry though. That guy asking me for my picture was a fluke.
If a guy ever asks me out I will be laughing. I still don't see that happening.
But I'm not going to ever ask anyone out.
Because I'm stubborn.
AND I LOVE WESS.
*hiss*
*pout*
I'm not going anywhere you fucking retard. I'm staying right here and I'll be seeing you.
T_T.
Absence
He's not talking to any of his friends anymore, the only people he'll talk to is his family, so yeah. He's disconnecting from all the people he's known. Disconnect from all the requirements of friendship.
Honestly, I wish I could do the same thing.
I'm basically single again. Sucks.
Because I love him and I'm not going anywhere and I don't plan on loving anyone else.
I want Wess and Wess alone. So unless I somehow meet the person who I'm really supposed to be with, I'm waiting for him. And I'll find him. I'll come to New York if I have to, in about two years, if it's that long with no sign from him. I'm not letting him just drop out of my life. I'm not letting such a wonderful guy just disappear.
He thinks I'll soon move on from him. That I'll 'find people to make me happy'. Yeah sure. I'll keep my eyes open and myself unbound but I'm not going to ever 'move on' from him. I love him. I'm surprised I'm not having breakdowns. But I guess it's because, I know.. I'll see him again someday. And if he doesn't come, I'm going there. I refuse to have this be the end of it.
Mom says to me- well, they're getting a little better every time. She means, the guys I fall for.
--
I've been on four different medications now I think. None really work. Pish.
Back on the one I first tried. Because it makes me sleep better, and supposedly I seem more 'up' when I'm on it, though I can't really tell myself.
Whatever. To hell with meds. Socially anxious and forever that way. Who cares. At least it makes me different from the dumb teenagers of this generation.
I have a headache. Fucking finals. Fucking six page paper. I spent all night doing it because the night I had to work on my six page paper, was the night that Wess left me.
So I didn't go to school today. Because I stayed up till 3 AM writing my paper.
I hate this.. I'm getting queasy because I'm thinking. Tomorrow's Saturday. The next day is Sunday. The next day, I'm SCREWED!
I dislike weekends only because I know school is coming back.
'Dear Wess..' is what I write in my journal now.
Honestly, I wish I could do the same thing.
I'm basically single again. Sucks.
Because I love him and I'm not going anywhere and I don't plan on loving anyone else.
I want Wess and Wess alone. So unless I somehow meet the person who I'm really supposed to be with, I'm waiting for him. And I'll find him. I'll come to New York if I have to, in about two years, if it's that long with no sign from him. I'm not letting him just drop out of my life. I'm not letting such a wonderful guy just disappear.
He thinks I'll soon move on from him. That I'll 'find people to make me happy'. Yeah sure. I'll keep my eyes open and myself unbound but I'm not going to ever 'move on' from him. I love him. I'm surprised I'm not having breakdowns. But I guess it's because, I know.. I'll see him again someday. And if he doesn't come, I'm going there. I refuse to have this be the end of it.
Mom says to me- well, they're getting a little better every time. She means, the guys I fall for.
--
I've been on four different medications now I think. None really work. Pish.
Back on the one I first tried. Because it makes me sleep better, and supposedly I seem more 'up' when I'm on it, though I can't really tell myself.
Whatever. To hell with meds. Socially anxious and forever that way. Who cares. At least it makes me different from the dumb teenagers of this generation.
I have a headache. Fucking finals. Fucking six page paper. I spent all night doing it because the night I had to work on my six page paper, was the night that Wess left me.
So I didn't go to school today. Because I stayed up till 3 AM writing my paper.
I hate this.. I'm getting queasy because I'm thinking. Tomorrow's Saturday. The next day is Sunday. The next day, I'm SCREWED!
I dislike weekends only because I know school is coming back.
'Dear Wess..' is what I write in my journal now.
Ten Minutes
Laughing. "nooo~! No no no let go~!~ haha" She pulls at my jacket. "No wonder you're cold, your hood's wet!!" She continues to tug at my jacket "ahhh no let go I'm cooold.." I cling to my jacket, but she manages to yank it from me even so. "Now it's time to go downstairs!" "nooo! I wanna write!!!" "If you write you're gonna be like 'waah' and such so let's go scrapbook!" "I'll be like 'wah' either way!" "Scarpbooking is better. Move." She pulls my chair and I curl into a ball and try to detach her hands from the arms of the chair. "Give me five minutes!!" "No way! You said eight!" "But I want to wriiite!" She pulls me by the legs out of the chair and I cling to it with my arms wrapped around it. "I'm not going!"
"Fine! Ten minutes! What do you want me to do, pour a bucket of water on your head if you stay longer?" "No way" "You're done by 8:16! And I mean done!"
So here I am with five minutes to type.
When I said on my other site with a laugh, 'haha Wess you were right about me being an idiot to think other guys didn't have interest'... I'm not happy.
Honestly, I am not going to move on from him.
I am not cannot. If I do, well, amazing. But I want HIM and I want HIM ALONE. I want my dear Wess. I don't want some hot guy to sweep me off my feet. I want the one that was there when I needed him. I want Wess.
I don't want anyone else.
I will not. Wess, I will not forgive you if you find someone else and move on, if I still love you by the time everything is straightened out.
I love you. So fucking wait for me, please.
Please come back someday.. Please find me. Please stop at my door and surprise me. Please.
If not I'll have to find you.. Somehow save up enough money to go to New York, be overwhelmed and afraid because of the crowds, be stressed... Find you. A whole ticket for one simple question... Do I still have a chance? Is your heart still mine to break?
"Fine! Ten minutes! What do you want me to do, pour a bucket of water on your head if you stay longer?" "No way" "You're done by 8:16! And I mean done!"
So here I am with five minutes to type.
When I said on my other site with a laugh, 'haha Wess you were right about me being an idiot to think other guys didn't have interest'... I'm not happy.
Honestly, I am not going to move on from him.
I am not cannot. If I do, well, amazing. But I want HIM and I want HIM ALONE. I want my dear Wess. I don't want some hot guy to sweep me off my feet. I want the one that was there when I needed him. I want Wess.
I don't want anyone else.
I will not. Wess, I will not forgive you if you find someone else and move on, if I still love you by the time everything is straightened out.
I love you. So fucking wait for me, please.
Please come back someday.. Please find me. Please stop at my door and surprise me. Please.
If not I'll have to find you.. Somehow save up enough money to go to New York, be overwhelmed and afraid because of the crowds, be stressed... Find you. A whole ticket for one simple question... Do I still have a chance? Is your heart still mine to break?
To Malila
*chews on the chocolate cake for consolation* T_T XD
Well well, it's crazy.
Note that my boyfriend is no longer on my friends list. And if you follow the link, he has removed all of his friends.
He's starting over. Meaning.. He's not talking to his internet friends anymore, and he's not going to talk to anyone. He's getting his new job and he's trying to get it all together because he's been depressed and stressed lately.
By the way it sounds, I won't be hearing from him in a number of years.
Pisses me off that he leaves just before valentine's day and my bday.
So basically he's going to concentrate on his career and getting a stable life. In the meantime he's leaving me to do as I wish, never talking to me again.
It's really depressing. It's only been today.. and I'm already feeling sick thinking of how I'll miss his voice and all that stuff. I guess it'll be good for me to date and all that junk, but honestly, I don't think I'll get much further than infatuation with anyone else.
So.. *sigh* I'm going to try not to think about it. If I'm still alone next year and then the year after that- then I'll work on meeting up with him again, to see if he still wants to be with me and is ready with his life in control. To meet him and see if it's meant to be.
Ah well..
Well well, it's crazy.
Note that my boyfriend is no longer on my friends list. And if you follow the link, he has removed all of his friends.
He's starting over. Meaning.. He's not talking to his internet friends anymore, and he's not going to talk to anyone. He's getting his new job and he's trying to get it all together because he's been depressed and stressed lately.
By the way it sounds, I won't be hearing from him in a number of years.
Pisses me off that he leaves just before valentine's day and my bday.
So basically he's going to concentrate on his career and getting a stable life. In the meantime he's leaving me to do as I wish, never talking to me again.
It's really depressing. It's only been today.. and I'm already feeling sick thinking of how I'll miss his voice and all that stuff. I guess it'll be good for me to date and all that junk, but honestly, I don't think I'll get much further than infatuation with anyone else.
So.. *sigh* I'm going to try not to think about it. If I'm still alone next year and then the year after that- then I'll work on meeting up with him again, to see if he still wants to be with me and is ready with his life in control. To meet him and see if it's meant to be.
Ah well..
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