Unworthy

I honestly don't know what to write. Usually I say that and then write more than a page, but in this case, I'm not so sure. The cellphone's sitting next to the mouse pad. At once point I grabbed it and dragged it around trying to use it as a mouse on accident. Next to the cellphone is the camera. I pause to picture myself now. Should I show myself? Hm. Yeah sure.
I watch the photos as they import. Trying to capture myself without shaking the camera and without a fake smile.



There I am, at this minute.

Sitting with headphones on listening to more new songs, with my pajamas on and my hair slowly growing back.
I'm tired.
I'm worried too. Because I have a kanji test tomorrow. I'm terrible at kanji. But I guess if I memorize it I'll be fine.. But 20..? 20 is a lot.. And I have to bring a poem worthy to read in front of a symphony-theatre-sized audience. God I'm not worthy. That's all I can tell you..... How can I touch everyone in my few and only moments ever talking through my soul to an audience? Not like I talk to people at all.. It's the only chance I'll get to be listened to when I speak from my inner mind. I can't see it ever happening again..
Sigh and stress. Tense.

Okay.. what should my focus be.......
Japanese... and US history. Those two need the most effort. I'll try for that....
And I don't want to disappoint Dana (poetry lady), so I'll finish a poem.

I hate disappointing people.. There's nothing that makes me more guilty. For lord's sake, I wish my math teacher would stop bringing up the missing homework and the late assignments..... I'm working on it, I'm doing the best I can.. I'm not good at these things like I used to be. I'll bring up my grade slowly like I always do. I always find some way. For US history seems my magic doesn't work, so I'll have to try.
I got a D in the class last semester.
The thing is, I did most of the work and had a few missing assignments. So I'm honestly not sure why I had a D. Maybe I didn't do something that was worth a lot....
My parents think that there's something wrong with her grading methods or she recorded something wrong. I admit I think I deserve a C, not a D. At least it's not a N (for no credit) like it used to be....

*checks grades* currently I have a B, C, and N. The N is in math where I have a missing test (the only test we've taken so far) and I have some missing assignments. Thing is, it's been two weeks into the second semester or so, so if you're missing things you're kinda in trouble.


I need a to do list.


Mail Zach the CDs.
Type up and email Nana my poems.
Email mom (she's in Italy).
Make up math and Japanese tests.
Ask when I'm getting my teeth pulled.
Show Dana different poems after school Thursday.
Make a doctor appointment after mom gets back.
Write radio script.
Have mom pay me the 80 dollars she owes me.
Type the resume draft.
Schedule interview/job shadow.

5/2/2006 11:35 PM
SO I don't forget!!
To do:
Check on pressed flowers in the scrapbook.
Make my own crazy myspace survey bulletin... (including questions like 'which do you do more, roll your eyes or stick out your tongue?')
talk to Wess all day
eat breakfast
finish FLCL drawing (eventually)
scan doodle of light and dark side

Don't know what else for now.. I'm sure there's more.

Man I hate being busy. Having a scheduled week is my biggest pet peeve. I like doing whatever feels nice at the time. I loath having so much to think about having to do. Gosh. Anyway, pardon me as I study japanese and get a headache.