Who would ever think it could get this far?
Who could ever think that a year of love could turn to this?
A year and I've bet my heart it's going to work. Ring, marriage.. I've bet my life at 16.
And by my character, is it so unusual? I've been looking for sir prince charming since age 10. Six years later, booya. Found him.
He ain't as I pictured, no no. But god, has he got the charm. Those words and I melt like the day he said yes.
And like the good fiancé he is, he's coming. Coming to stay. No more goodbyes...
How many goodbyes so far? He said goodbye before we even met and I still have trouble forgiving him for that. "Fuck! He does this just before Valentine's day! But don't all guys do that?"
I remember what I did that day.
I went down to University Village and tried to cuss it off, in a way. Went with my mom, and shared my greif. My frustration. I was stubborn, I was in denial. Irony was, a guy flirted with me that day, but it was the first time it ever happened. I was almost saying in my head 'ha, see, I can get guys, take that' but nothing would really take away the lonliness I felt that day. I felt like he was breaking up with me that day. I felt he couldn't take it, so that was that. Gone. "Why did he have to do it before Valentine's Day? Before my birthday..?" was in tears.
He didn't last long though. Long enough to scare me, but not long enough to leave me empty.
I removed his picture that day. I was trying to be open to dating people, I was trying to pretend I was open. Course I didn't want to date anyone.
I emailed him, even though I wasn't supposed to. His response was short and poetic. It was tantalizing and painful.
Like all our goodbyes though, it was only temporary.
That was our first goodbye. The rest were from visits, plane rides back and forth.
Second was April... Then I visited... Then he visited for three weeks.. And he visited again recently. Were those all the times? It's amazing how you forget.
Five goodbyes. Sixth in January.
But after that... no more.
The last goodbye was the hardest. Tears on both ends. It never felt so hard to let go before. The drive was bittersweet. I pretended we were just going for a drive, but I let it sink in as we drew closer. We listened to our songs. That helped but didn't. Emotional, to say the least. Held him tight the whole ride. At the airport we stopped in front of the security entrance, I coudn't just say goodbye and let him go. Hug after hug and we finally tore apart and said goodbye. I couldn't walk off, so I stood aimlessly, watching him. Cried a lot. Hurts even to think about.
September 11th 2006 is a funny day for such a wonderful thing to happen. He proposed.
We bought the ring together. The jewler advised a stronger jem, but I like topaz too much to care if it wears out. I figure, with a laugh, that would just give him a chance to propose to me again.
He likes to do it over and over again. He has once in person, but he asks me every now and then.
He says he's going to propose to me again in his living room, in front of the Christmas tree.
That will be a warm and happy time.
But right now I feel cold and nostolgic. Never a good thing.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
What Crap
So hungry that I feel sick.
I slept through dinner, and now I wake again at 5 Am with an empty stomach, no lunch, no dinner, empty. Sick.
Was going to make myself a waaay past midnight dinner but found that there are no noodles in the cabinet. Bah. So I eat a banana and some ritz peanut-butter thingies. Now my stomach is no longer jabbing from the inside.
Today I was on the phone with my fiance, getting annoyed as someone wasn't taking the hint that the line was busy, trying to call over and over. After about half an hour my mom came in, sounding annoyed, saying I had to hang up the phone right now. That it was apparently an emergency, and Robin had been trying to call. Emergency or not, I was very much bothered.
I was more bothered when they didn't need the phone and the emergency wasn't an emergency, but simply stupidity.
The emergency was this- my little brother's best friend was over at his house, which mind you, is ONE house away from his, and his mom didn't know where he was and -assumed- we weren't home because the line was busy! Jesus fucking christ!
I'm growing irritated at the increasing need for the line to be open. It's a five-person family, they shouldn't expect the line to be open all the time. Mom has long blabbers with old friends, I have long blabbers with my fiance whom I miss to death. Normally I would just chat with him but he's in NY, without a computer. And I need to take care of him.
So mom made me hang up on him, and I got upset so I went to sleep ignoring everyone when she said about two minutes later that I could have the phone back. I mean for fuck's sake.. Why the hell did you make me hang up on him?? There's a line two you know, and in my room, it only has line one!
After a half-nap I went into deep sleep, and that was at about 5 PM.
Now, I woke up, at 5 AM.
God-damn.
I'm afraid I missed something, I'm afraid he could maybe not be okay, I'm afraid that he was having thoughts again.
He was alone at central park and he's been really depressed for several days now. I need to be there for him... I needed to be there for him.. God I wish I was.
Fucking house.
That was the last real thing I said to him before hanging up. "I hate this effing house" "Now don't get upset or angsty about it, just text me when I can call back, okay?" "mm......" "It'll be fine, don't worry. I love you baby" "I love you too.. bye..." "bye"
Haven't had the chance to talk to him since.
It's morning over there, 8 AM... So I'm going to call him now to make up for it.
I'm so sorry I fell asleep Wess..
I slept through dinner, and now I wake again at 5 Am with an empty stomach, no lunch, no dinner, empty. Sick.
Was going to make myself a waaay past midnight dinner but found that there are no noodles in the cabinet. Bah. So I eat a banana and some ritz peanut-butter thingies. Now my stomach is no longer jabbing from the inside.
Today I was on the phone with my fiance, getting annoyed as someone wasn't taking the hint that the line was busy, trying to call over and over. After about half an hour my mom came in, sounding annoyed, saying I had to hang up the phone right now. That it was apparently an emergency, and Robin had been trying to call. Emergency or not, I was very much bothered.
I was more bothered when they didn't need the phone and the emergency wasn't an emergency, but simply stupidity.
The emergency was this- my little brother's best friend was over at his house, which mind you, is ONE house away from his, and his mom didn't know where he was and -assumed- we weren't home because the line was busy! Jesus fucking christ!
I'm growing irritated at the increasing need for the line to be open. It's a five-person family, they shouldn't expect the line to be open all the time. Mom has long blabbers with old friends, I have long blabbers with my fiance whom I miss to death. Normally I would just chat with him but he's in NY, without a computer. And I need to take care of him.
So mom made me hang up on him, and I got upset so I went to sleep ignoring everyone when she said about two minutes later that I could have the phone back. I mean for fuck's sake.. Why the hell did you make me hang up on him?? There's a line two you know, and in my room, it only has line one!
After a half-nap I went into deep sleep, and that was at about 5 PM.
Now, I woke up, at 5 AM.
God-damn.
I'm afraid I missed something, I'm afraid he could maybe not be okay, I'm afraid that he was having thoughts again.
He was alone at central park and he's been really depressed for several days now. I need to be there for him... I needed to be there for him.. God I wish I was.
Fucking house.
That was the last real thing I said to him before hanging up. "I hate this effing house" "Now don't get upset or angsty about it, just text me when I can call back, okay?" "mm......" "It'll be fine, don't worry. I love you baby" "I love you too.. bye..." "bye"
Haven't had the chance to talk to him since.
It's morning over there, 8 AM... So I'm going to call him now to make up for it.
I'm so sorry I fell asleep Wess..
October 13th
Using lipstick to cross off the days until I see him again. Kind of ironic.
Near-crying again. Well, cried a bit and then stopped. Too stressed to cry.
Do you really think I care -what- Daniel is like?? I know she's a mess and I don't like her, that's all there is too it. I know she's someone I never want to be. I don't want you to explain her fucking disorder to me and make up excuses for why she's a druggie and why she's a near-whore.
I'm writing this here in hopes you will stay out of my life, as I want all of my family to.
As I say.. Friends, read my personal thoughts if you want, but I never, ever, want a word out of you.
I'm emotional again. Carson has three fucking friends over and Dad fucked up the TV. My favorite show cut out in the middle because he was too lazy to use tapes, even though he keeps a supply of more than 5,000 sheets of paper that he never bothers to use. I hate this house. It's just a.. a... the very symbol of waste. Waste and too many possessions.
Now I am crying. God, I still need to work on it.. ........ .But.... ......... Is it a sin to realize that he reads these still? And can I really stop him from that? I don't look anymore.. I don't check. But I know that he looks.
My head hurts so I start crying and then stop and just hurt. Sweating a lot and head is full of shit.
I need a sanctuary. My room is hardly one. I can't avoid my social anxiety when I have the most social brother on earth. Three friends at once today!!! Why the fuck.
What bullocks!
Near-crying again. Well, cried a bit and then stopped. Too stressed to cry.
Do you really think I care -what- Daniel is like?? I know she's a mess and I don't like her, that's all there is too it. I know she's someone I never want to be. I don't want you to explain her fucking disorder to me and make up excuses for why she's a druggie and why she's a near-whore.
I'm writing this here in hopes you will stay out of my life, as I want all of my family to.
As I say.. Friends, read my personal thoughts if you want, but I never, ever, want a word out of you.
I'm emotional again. Carson has three fucking friends over and Dad fucked up the TV. My favorite show cut out in the middle because he was too lazy to use tapes, even though he keeps a supply of more than 5,000 sheets of paper that he never bothers to use. I hate this house. It's just a.. a... the very symbol of waste. Waste and too many possessions.
Now I am crying. God, I still need to work on it.. ........ .But.... ......... Is it a sin to realize that he reads these still? And can I really stop him from that? I don't look anymore.. I don't check. But I know that he looks.
My head hurts so I start crying and then stop and just hurt. Sweating a lot and head is full of shit.
I need a sanctuary. My room is hardly one. I can't avoid my social anxiety when I have the most social brother on earth. Three friends at once today!!! Why the fuck.
What bullocks!
10th
Jealousies
October 10th.
Why is she so attached to him..?
I know best friends are close, but he's been gone anyway. What do they really do besides text? She needs him that much?
Was that crush really just an emotional day's result?
Crying on the phone when he's going to be gone for a few weeks..
It's not like she won't be seeing him soon anyway.
This makes me feel sick to the stomach.
Kind of a 'I need him, not you!' and a feeling of fear and not wanting him taken away from me.
I need him.. stop needing him too. Please go away and be happy with someone else.. Because he's not yours, he's mine.. Please, please stop needing him.
I felt better for a second. But now I feel icky again. I really did feel better though, so it's so ironic. Please don't make me feel bad, I know it's natural for your best friend to want to say goodbye on the phone.. But...... How can I not believe she feels something for you? And how can that not make me afraid?
I know you're not leaving, I just want her to go away. Or at least have the ability to leave you alone for a week.
My eyes are tired. I'm tired. I feel like the longer I'm away the more these things bother me. The more I feel like my time with him is being taken away by his other gal-friends. The more I need him.
"I'm all she's got to confide in"
How hard it is for him and her to separate just makes me feel more sick. Like they -need- each other.
How in all this time can she have not found anyone else to talk to?
I'm falling apart in so many ways.. Why must you take him from me?
You may act more messed up but in ways I believe I'm hurting a lot more than you. I need him a lot more than you do.
They were the only ones I could confide in, and with that I fell in love with them. Is that why I feel so worried?
I couldn't go without them for long... Please don't say you're the same.
I want him to be mine... I don't want to share him.. Yet I constantly am...
Endless thoughts it seems, these days are taking me in and leaving me without much spirit.
You guys talk that much..? I feel like you could be telling her more and confiding in her more than you do me.. I'm jealous, obviously. I don't want there to be anyone else..
....I just refrained from calling them lovebirds. "I'm not keeping you.... two from seeing each other"
I'd rather not poke at sarcasm at this point, because I don't want to fight more, and I don't have a good reason to.
Aye... now we're going to have to argue about it, huh...
October 10th.
Why is she so attached to him..?
I know best friends are close, but he's been gone anyway. What do they really do besides text? She needs him that much?
Was that crush really just an emotional day's result?
Crying on the phone when he's going to be gone for a few weeks..
It's not like she won't be seeing him soon anyway.
This makes me feel sick to the stomach.
Kind of a 'I need him, not you!' and a feeling of fear and not wanting him taken away from me.
I need him.. stop needing him too. Please go away and be happy with someone else.. Because he's not yours, he's mine.. Please, please stop needing him.
I felt better for a second. But now I feel icky again. I really did feel better though, so it's so ironic. Please don't make me feel bad, I know it's natural for your best friend to want to say goodbye on the phone.. But...... How can I not believe she feels something for you? And how can that not make me afraid?
I know you're not leaving, I just want her to go away. Or at least have the ability to leave you alone for a week.
My eyes are tired. I'm tired. I feel like the longer I'm away the more these things bother me. The more I feel like my time with him is being taken away by his other gal-friends. The more I need him.
"I'm all she's got to confide in"
How hard it is for him and her to separate just makes me feel more sick. Like they -need- each other.
How in all this time can she have not found anyone else to talk to?
I'm falling apart in so many ways.. Why must you take him from me?
You may act more messed up but in ways I believe I'm hurting a lot more than you. I need him a lot more than you do.
They were the only ones I could confide in, and with that I fell in love with them. Is that why I feel so worried?
I couldn't go without them for long... Please don't say you're the same.
I want him to be mine... I don't want to share him.. Yet I constantly am...
Endless thoughts it seems, these days are taking me in and leaving me without much spirit.
You guys talk that much..? I feel like you could be telling her more and confiding in her more than you do me.. I'm jealous, obviously. I don't want there to be anyone else..
....I just refrained from calling them lovebirds. "I'm not keeping you.... two from seeing each other"
I'd rather not poke at sarcasm at this point, because I don't want to fight more, and I don't have a good reason to.
Aye... now we're going to have to argue about it, huh...
Pure lyrics, Lightning Seeds
night time slows, raindrops splash rainbows
perhaps someone you know, could sparkle and shine
as daydreams slide to color from shadow
picture the moonglow, that dazzles my eyes
and I love you
just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple every time
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple every time
dreams of sights, of sleigh rides in seasons
where feelings not reasons, can make you decide
as leaves pour down, splash autumn on gardens
as colder nights harden, their moonlit delights
and I love you
just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple every time
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple every time
look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple every time
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
i'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you
if love's the truth then look no lies
and let me swim around your eyes
I've found a place I'll never leave
shut my mouth and just believe
love is the truth I realize
not a stream of pretty lies
to use us up and waste our time
lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple everytime
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime
look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple everytime
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
I'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you
pure and simple just for you
perhaps someone you know, could sparkle and shine
as daydreams slide to color from shadow
picture the moonglow, that dazzles my eyes
and I love you
just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple every time
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple every time
dreams of sights, of sleigh rides in seasons
where feelings not reasons, can make you decide
as leaves pour down, splash autumn on gardens
as colder nights harden, their moonlit delights
and I love you
just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple every time
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple every time
look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple every time
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
i'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you
if love's the truth then look no lies
and let me swim around your eyes
I've found a place I'll never leave
shut my mouth and just believe
love is the truth I realize
not a stream of pretty lies
to use us up and waste our time
lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple everytime
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime
look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple everytime
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
I'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you
pure and simple just for you
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Amusing
I was laughing at the mall... Because once again, my mom was asking both Dad and I and the air around us, "Is it REALLY possible for two people to just sleep in the same bed together without doing anything??"
She can't fathom ever sleeping in the same bed as a guy without having sex or doing something. That really made me laugh. I love to cuddle with Wess so jeez. She then said "It would be torture!"
Course it's tempting but... every night? Cuddling is so relaxing, who would want to ruin a perfectly good moment like that with sex? Well, at some points but -always-? Nope nope.
For us it would be more tempting considering we don't see each other very much and we don't know when we'll see each other after this. But for an ordinary couple..? How could they not just fall asleep together sometimes? How odd.
Mom and dad are playing Bust-a-Move. "Miss T sucks!" Mom is saying.
Today at the mall she went to Body Works to issue a complaint about their candle burning. Apparently the scent was vanilla, and it was flooding most of the mall with a scent I would call 'melted, or burning candy mixed with cologne'. I say, if you can't get them to stop burning candles, then at least have them choose something that smells nice like pear.. Something sweet and not disgustingly thick. At first we thought it was coming from Hollister co. but it ends up it was the candles across from them.. She talked to them and I pretended not to know her, waiting out on a bench far away. She told me that they said their manager had them burn two candles all day. They gave her a number to whine at, as that as employees the weren't allowed to change what rules were issued.
Now mom is looking at the background of Bust-a-Move and saying it looks like floating bologna.. 'it's ridiculous, why would someone choose floating bubbles of that color? It looks like bologna!'
She's interesting. But endlessly amusing.
She can't fathom ever sleeping in the same bed as a guy without having sex or doing something. That really made me laugh. I love to cuddle with Wess so jeez. She then said "It would be torture!"
Course it's tempting but... every night? Cuddling is so relaxing, who would want to ruin a perfectly good moment like that with sex? Well, at some points but -always-? Nope nope.
For us it would be more tempting considering we don't see each other very much and we don't know when we'll see each other after this. But for an ordinary couple..? How could they not just fall asleep together sometimes? How odd.
Mom and dad are playing Bust-a-Move. "Miss T sucks!" Mom is saying.
Today at the mall she went to Body Works to issue a complaint about their candle burning. Apparently the scent was vanilla, and it was flooding most of the mall with a scent I would call 'melted, or burning candy mixed with cologne'. I say, if you can't get them to stop burning candles, then at least have them choose something that smells nice like pear.. Something sweet and not disgustingly thick. At first we thought it was coming from Hollister co. but it ends up it was the candles across from them.. She talked to them and I pretended not to know her, waiting out on a bench far away. She told me that they said their manager had them burn two candles all day. They gave her a number to whine at, as that as employees the weren't allowed to change what rules were issued.
Now mom is looking at the background of Bust-a-Move and saying it looks like floating bologna.. 'it's ridiculous, why would someone choose floating bubbles of that color? It looks like bologna!'
She's interesting. But endlessly amusing.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
I think I want to be remembered
Why else would I scrounge his every word at age 14, for any sign of myself?
It just makes me get a headache, remembering his journals were known to me to never, ever, make sense. And if they do I read them wrong. He writes in code, and backwards. He never uses names, he uses titles, he never writes a straight sentence.
So it's mostly pointless.
I do it when I'm lonely. Because I want to be remembered?
It's funny.. Really funny actually... .. .. in a sick way? I'm talking about something else now..
I always daydreamed being brought to the hospital in critical condition and staying there with people worrying about me. I got my wish on Thursday!
Maybe not as dramatic as one would hope, but it was the emergency room, and it was for 8 hours. And I was 'severely dehydrated'. Not all that cool either. But one of my worst fears is something happening to my body. I'm afraid of getting near anything that could affect my body in any way negatively (besides food). Inhaling something, something under my skin, parasites.. I take my condition very seriously, because I'm afraid I could mess something in my delicate internal workings and die.
You know what I thought in the hospital, after a few hours?.. "I don't want to die."
I was just sick, but god, it wasn't going away. I was afraid I'd have a fever forever. It'd been 4 days.. The fever went down, but once I fell asleep, I woke up on fire. So it felt like a never-ending cycle of pain. The meds weren't working.. So I thought I could die that way. I couldn't eat anything at all, I thought to myself "I'm withering away huh.." I started throwing up water. So what better to happen.. I would stop being able to eat, lose a bunch of weight, become seriously dehydrated and unable to drink, and then die.
Wess.. he's beautiful.
Very depressing but very beautiful.
I was in the shower before he was going to call last night, before he was crying and before I knew anything about his side of my ER night..
I was smiling at the reflection as I got out, a rare thing. I no longer looked like a zombie, the rashes were slowly receding from my stomach and arms, and my hair was actually a good length. Face was clear too, because my nervous fingers didn't have as much time to attack. (both my parents said I looked especially cute today)
And what'd I think when I looked? I grinned big, stared for a bit, and then gave a big, clasp-handed "THANK YOU!" and said half sarcastically "Confidence is mine!"
I wasn't saying thank you for being blessed with survivable looks. I was saying "THAAAAAAANK YOU" for him.
Wess expresses his love in the strangest way - through his sadness. He shows it best that way. In his fear, in his care, he shows it.
The night I was in the ER... I sent Wess a text message. I was laying on the bed thing and knew that cellphones weren't supposed to be on, but the nurse was like 'ehhh, it's fine'. I told him, "I'm in the ER." I waited a few minutes, no response. "Emergency room, bleegh.." still nothing for quite a while. I figured there was faulty connection, and shrugged. I checked about ten, twenty minutes later it vibrated. All it said was "Why?" I told him about it and such, and later on he said he left a message on the cellphone, and to have me call whenever I could to let him know how I was doing. I told my mom to go outside and call him, so she did.
I spent 8 hours there, rest of the night I kept the cellphone off, figuring I shouldn't be breaking rules if I wanted to get well. They stabbed one of my 'wonderful' veins and I took in 3 liters of water-like-substance. It made my arm cold.
I was fairly uncomfortable. My stomach was still killing me, but my fever was slowly fading away. I watched WWII on TV and watched them steal silverware from the Nazi meeting room. "Not every day your girlfriend gets a gift from Hitler!"
Anyway, the night went like that. I had nasty medicines that made me feel terrible right before I left, and regained my fever right when I got home. "great" I thought. I didn't go back though.
I found out last night what Wess had been doing all this time. In tears last night he told me, once he got the text message, without hesitation he went over to his mom's room and cried his eyes out. I figured he'd panic at least slightly, but that? I don't know. He said he didn't know how I was doing, tried to call multiple times, and just didn't know what to expect, what condition I was in, etc etc. He couldn't sleep that night.
Just the thought of anything happening to me makes him sick to his stomach. Just the nightmares he has about me make him cry when he wakes up, and the dreams he has where he can't hold me leave him shaken.
When he told me in depth about this, I was speechless. It was 4 AM too, how would I respond to him..?
It was beautiful.
It's almost sick of me.. but it's beautiful. Can you understand? I've wanted someone to worry about me for all my life. Wanted there to be someone who actually would worry sick about me and actually give a damn when these things happen. Someone who my life means something to. And not just when I'm hurt, not just when I'm sick, not just when you're supposed to.. He can't live without me. And that means so much, and shows so much depth to how much I mean to him.
'I want to be needed' or, I want to be someone's angel, as I say when I get over-emotional.
And now a bitch is staring at me. I finish this entry here.
It just makes me get a headache, remembering his journals were known to me to never, ever, make sense. And if they do I read them wrong. He writes in code, and backwards. He never uses names, he uses titles, he never writes a straight sentence.
So it's mostly pointless.
I do it when I'm lonely. Because I want to be remembered?
It's funny.. Really funny actually... .. .. in a sick way? I'm talking about something else now..
I always daydreamed being brought to the hospital in critical condition and staying there with people worrying about me. I got my wish on Thursday!
Maybe not as dramatic as one would hope, but it was the emergency room, and it was for 8 hours. And I was 'severely dehydrated'. Not all that cool either. But one of my worst fears is something happening to my body. I'm afraid of getting near anything that could affect my body in any way negatively (besides food). Inhaling something, something under my skin, parasites.. I take my condition very seriously, because I'm afraid I could mess something in my delicate internal workings and die.
You know what I thought in the hospital, after a few hours?.. "I don't want to die."
I was just sick, but god, it wasn't going away. I was afraid I'd have a fever forever. It'd been 4 days.. The fever went down, but once I fell asleep, I woke up on fire. So it felt like a never-ending cycle of pain. The meds weren't working.. So I thought I could die that way. I couldn't eat anything at all, I thought to myself "I'm withering away huh.." I started throwing up water. So what better to happen.. I would stop being able to eat, lose a bunch of weight, become seriously dehydrated and unable to drink, and then die.
Wess.. he's beautiful.
Very depressing but very beautiful.
I was in the shower before he was going to call last night, before he was crying and before I knew anything about his side of my ER night..
I was smiling at the reflection as I got out, a rare thing. I no longer looked like a zombie, the rashes were slowly receding from my stomach and arms, and my hair was actually a good length. Face was clear too, because my nervous fingers didn't have as much time to attack. (both my parents said I looked especially cute today)
And what'd I think when I looked? I grinned big, stared for a bit, and then gave a big, clasp-handed "THANK YOU!" and said half sarcastically "Confidence is mine!"
I wasn't saying thank you for being blessed with survivable looks. I was saying "THAAAAAAANK YOU" for him.
Wess expresses his love in the strangest way - through his sadness. He shows it best that way. In his fear, in his care, he shows it.
The night I was in the ER... I sent Wess a text message. I was laying on the bed thing and knew that cellphones weren't supposed to be on, but the nurse was like 'ehhh, it's fine'. I told him, "I'm in the ER." I waited a few minutes, no response. "Emergency room, bleegh.." still nothing for quite a while. I figured there was faulty connection, and shrugged. I checked about ten, twenty minutes later it vibrated. All it said was "Why?" I told him about it and such, and later on he said he left a message on the cellphone, and to have me call whenever I could to let him know how I was doing. I told my mom to go outside and call him, so she did.
I spent 8 hours there, rest of the night I kept the cellphone off, figuring I shouldn't be breaking rules if I wanted to get well. They stabbed one of my 'wonderful' veins and I took in 3 liters of water-like-substance. It made my arm cold.
I was fairly uncomfortable. My stomach was still killing me, but my fever was slowly fading away. I watched WWII on TV and watched them steal silverware from the Nazi meeting room. "Not every day your girlfriend gets a gift from Hitler!"
Anyway, the night went like that. I had nasty medicines that made me feel terrible right before I left, and regained my fever right when I got home. "great" I thought. I didn't go back though.
I found out last night what Wess had been doing all this time. In tears last night he told me, once he got the text message, without hesitation he went over to his mom's room and cried his eyes out. I figured he'd panic at least slightly, but that? I don't know. He said he didn't know how I was doing, tried to call multiple times, and just didn't know what to expect, what condition I was in, etc etc. He couldn't sleep that night.
Just the thought of anything happening to me makes him sick to his stomach. Just the nightmares he has about me make him cry when he wakes up, and the dreams he has where he can't hold me leave him shaken.
When he told me in depth about this, I was speechless. It was 4 AM too, how would I respond to him..?
It was beautiful.
It's almost sick of me.. but it's beautiful. Can you understand? I've wanted someone to worry about me for all my life. Wanted there to be someone who actually would worry sick about me and actually give a damn when these things happen. Someone who my life means something to. And not just when I'm hurt, not just when I'm sick, not just when you're supposed to.. He can't live without me. And that means so much, and shows so much depth to how much I mean to him.
'I want to be needed' or, I want to be someone's angel, as I say when I get over-emotional.
And now a bitch is staring at me. I finish this entry here.
Monday, August 14, 2006
I've realized...
I -need- to stalk people.
That sounds terrible, no? But I do it all the time. Not like, in real life... ("IRL" sounds too cyber-ish to be used)
In real life I'm p-p-paranoid. They give me a weird look, I get nervous. Wouldn't ever think of that kind of stalking.
I think it's my fascination with secrets. Secrets and the sides I don't usually get to see.
Find myself surfing around, reading, looking about..
I tend to only do it with people know, curious as to who their friends are and what they're thinking. Finding such things is easy with places like blogs, myspace, etc etc.. And all those communities that obviously state who they care about and what their opinions are.
What I find myself doing in my spare time as I sit in my pajamas still a bit queasy from sickness, with Wess going to bed out of both angst and exhaustion.. is seeing what he's said. I like to use it to poke fun at him occasionally, because sometimes he says sarcastic things that I could be offended by if he meant it. Such as.. I went looking at the comments of all the girls he knew, looking at his comments on their pictures. I noticed, that on -any- that showed any bare chest whatsoever (I don't mean chest-chest, I mean literal) he'd say something about their boobs. And with one friend it was her legs he always mentioned. So I gave him a hard time for that.
It's also my way of laughing at how much he worries, because if it was the other way around, heeeeee'd worry a helluva lot. He'd have multiple panic thinking sessions and be convinced after texting all his gal-friends about it that I was going to, whether I particularly wanted to or not, cheat on him.
When I noticed that I mostly just rolled my eyes, and thought to myself, 'shouldn't he kind of be aware that making those jokes would make any normal girlfriend paranoid?'
It still baffles me that he's not clingy. For the amount he worries, he should be clingy. But I guess what he doesn't know doesn't bother him? I just picture him freaking out if he heard I was going to some party at night. Well, he's not that bad, but if there were a lot of cute guys there or any guys I conversed with, sure he'd worry.
I'm the clingy one, he's the worry-wart.
Another reason why the whole boob thing just rolled right off my back.. He gets himself so upset over the idea of not being good enough for me (that sounds so strange to say... 'as if' is all that comes to mind) that I know he wouldn't be serious about any of that stuff. He's not the guy who checks girls out and stuff.. Mostly I've just heard stories of his funny friends dragging him out with them and causing scenes involving that. He's not a huge boob fan anyway.
Speaking of boobs.. Haha. Watching porn with him was funny. Happy 18th to him? I'm wondering how the heck it first came up.. Did he just randomly mention one time the fact that at 3 AM or so there's porn on TV? It's kind of disturbing to hear that in the background of your phone conversation. Funny and gross at the same time. "What're they doing now?" "Two blondes and a redhead having a threesome" "hahaha gross" "Oh ew, her face looks plastic and her boobs are huge" We've had conversations like that. To us porn is mostly a joke. I was icked out to notice that the guys were always so old looking. "Gross, why do they always choose old guys?" "I don't know.."
We questioned why the TV ones bothered trying to have a plot..
After saying that, I'll say, I'm quite pure and demure! Demure is a fun word, I just got the thesaurus for that one. It sounds almost snobby.
... hm. And off subject (doesn't matter, it's my blog).. Eh.. .....
I need to find his shirt, and the letter. Mom cleaned my room whilst I was sick. Maybe I'll write tonight, I seem to be alright for it, unless I burn myself out on this.
That sounds terrible, no? But I do it all the time. Not like, in real life... ("IRL" sounds too cyber-ish to be used)
In real life I'm p-p-paranoid. They give me a weird look, I get nervous. Wouldn't ever think of that kind of stalking.
I think it's my fascination with secrets. Secrets and the sides I don't usually get to see.
Find myself surfing around, reading, looking about..
I tend to only do it with people know, curious as to who their friends are and what they're thinking. Finding such things is easy with places like blogs, myspace, etc etc.. And all those communities that obviously state who they care about and what their opinions are.
What I find myself doing in my spare time as I sit in my pajamas still a bit queasy from sickness, with Wess going to bed out of both angst and exhaustion.. is seeing what he's said. I like to use it to poke fun at him occasionally, because sometimes he says sarcastic things that I could be offended by if he meant it. Such as.. I went looking at the comments of all the girls he knew, looking at his comments on their pictures. I noticed, that on -any- that showed any bare chest whatsoever (I don't mean chest-chest, I mean literal) he'd say something about their boobs. And with one friend it was her legs he always mentioned. So I gave him a hard time for that.
It's also my way of laughing at how much he worries, because if it was the other way around, heeeeee'd worry a helluva lot. He'd have multiple panic thinking sessions and be convinced after texting all his gal-friends about it that I was going to, whether I particularly wanted to or not, cheat on him.
When I noticed that I mostly just rolled my eyes, and thought to myself, 'shouldn't he kind of be aware that making those jokes would make any normal girlfriend paranoid?'
It still baffles me that he's not clingy. For the amount he worries, he should be clingy. But I guess what he doesn't know doesn't bother him? I just picture him freaking out if he heard I was going to some party at night. Well, he's not that bad, but if there were a lot of cute guys there or any guys I conversed with, sure he'd worry.
I'm the clingy one, he's the worry-wart.
Another reason why the whole boob thing just rolled right off my back.. He gets himself so upset over the idea of not being good enough for me (that sounds so strange to say... 'as if' is all that comes to mind) that I know he wouldn't be serious about any of that stuff. He's not the guy who checks girls out and stuff.. Mostly I've just heard stories of his funny friends dragging him out with them and causing scenes involving that. He's not a huge boob fan anyway.
Speaking of boobs.. Haha. Watching porn with him was funny. Happy 18th to him? I'm wondering how the heck it first came up.. Did he just randomly mention one time the fact that at 3 AM or so there's porn on TV? It's kind of disturbing to hear that in the background of your phone conversation. Funny and gross at the same time. "What're they doing now?" "Two blondes and a redhead having a threesome" "hahaha gross" "Oh ew, her face looks plastic and her boobs are huge" We've had conversations like that. To us porn is mostly a joke. I was icked out to notice that the guys were always so old looking. "Gross, why do they always choose old guys?" "I don't know.."
We questioned why the TV ones bothered trying to have a plot..
After saying that, I'll say, I'm quite pure and demure! Demure is a fun word, I just got the thesaurus for that one. It sounds almost snobby.
... hm. And off subject (doesn't matter, it's my blog).. Eh.. .....
I need to find his shirt, and the letter. Mom cleaned my room whilst I was sick. Maybe I'll write tonight, I seem to be alright for it, unless I burn myself out on this.
From D.A. journal
Finally dragged my ass upstairs to write this, now that I can.
I would've on a laptop, but that hurt my eyes..
Anyway, since Thursday I've been -very- sick. I got sick on Thursday with a... 101 F fever or so? Since I got sick I threw up at least once a day, and I couldn't really eat anything. I took medicine and everything, but my virus was immune to things that would lower my fever.
The doctor said it should be over within 72 hours, but it wasn't.. Went down to 99 then up to 102.9 again.
Sooooo I got to go to the emergency room day before yesterday. They gave me 3 liters of water (er.. water-ish-stuff) through an IV and when I got home, my fever went up again. Fun fun fun.
My fever's finally lowering, but my stomach feels iffy.
I'm annoyed because I've had my two most miserable sicknesses this summer... Bleck.
I better feel better soon, I'll be so pissed off if I get all sick again.
I would've on a laptop, but that hurt my eyes..
Anyway, since Thursday I've been -very- sick. I got sick on Thursday with a... 101 F fever or so? Since I got sick I threw up at least once a day, and I couldn't really eat anything. I took medicine and everything, but my virus was immune to things that would lower my fever.
The doctor said it should be over within 72 hours, but it wasn't.. Went down to 99 then up to 102.9 again.
Sooooo I got to go to the emergency room day before yesterday. They gave me 3 liters of water (er.. water-ish-stuff) through an IV and when I got home, my fever went up again. Fun fun fun.
My fever's finally lowering, but my stomach feels iffy.
I'm annoyed because I've had my two most miserable sicknesses this summer... Bleck.
I better feel better soon, I'll be so pissed off if I get all sick again.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Theadooora
Writing this sitting at a... Windows XP probably, waiting for my next appointment. I'm the assistant who is working with people to teach them how to use a computer if they want to learn. On the first day, four people signed up. One for an hour, the rest half an hour. The first forgot their password, so will be back tomorrow after they call their girlfriend to find it out. Someone should be coming soon..
Saturday, July 08, 2006
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http://imreallytiredcan'tyoutellihavenothingbettertodobthansithereandmisswestonbecauseicanandit's1:23AMandIwishIwastherewithhimorhimherewithmebecauseI'mlonelyandIwantkissesandmostofallIwantSEXnonotreallywellyesnomaybeIwantintamacyofcoursejustkissesandmorekisseslighttohardhardtosoftIwanttotastehimagainandsmellhimagainbecauseitgivesmesuchasenseofcomfortandsafetythatIleaveallworriesbehindandifIhaveworrieshe'llmakemetellandthenbanishthemawayImisshimImisshimImissmyfianceIhavenothinggoodtodowithmytimesoIwanttospenditwithhimwanttospendeverymomentofmywholedamnedlifebesideshimbutfornowwejustcan'tmilesseperateusandourtimesandworldsaredifferentweneedeachotherthoughweneedeverybitofeachother'scompanyweneeditmorethananythingintheworldeventhoughwe'redeprivedofiteverydayeverymontheverymomentwesaytoourselves'Iwishtheywereherebesidesme'everytimewesayanythingintheleastlikethatImisshimImisshimandmissinghimonlymakesthetimegoslowerIcan'tsleepatnightforsomereasonIjustdon'twanttosleepIcan'tsaywhyreallyjustIfeellikeIdon'twanttomorrowtocomequiteyetorthatI'mafraidtosleepalltogetherormaybeI'mjustafraidI'llwakeuptobadnewsmorebadnewsnotlikeit'sbeenbadlatelywellithasbutnotthatlatelyImissWessImisshimevenmorebecauseIdidn'tseehimmuchtodayatallnoryesterdaybecauseofthingandI'matlossofwhattodonow
Tasty.
This afternoon I received my fiance's 4-month-late Valentine's Day gift.
It was simply splendid.
Currently I'm drinking one of the eight (about) flavors of hot chocolate he sent me. Peppermint. It's really good. The brand is Sunny's Holiday and it's a relative's hot chocolate factory.
I'm scared to try Jalapeno flavored hot chocolate...
I get a wave of fond memories while drinking it. The smell strongly reminds me of my Christmas scratch-and-sniff book I had when I was little. My favorite was the smell of the tree and the smell of the peppermints.. There was also a Raggedy Anne scratch-and-sniff book that had peppermint smell. Anyway, it smells just like this hot chocolate. Like I'm eating the scratch-and-sniff book..... Yum. :P But it's good, very good.
I'm accustomed to adding hot milk instead of hot water to hot chocolate.. (lot of hot) So I'll ask if it works.. I don't want to waste one of three servings on something that doesn't work. I guess it would but I'm going to ask anyway. Because it tastes a little watery. ...It's like flavored water!
Yum. I wonder if Carson would like it too. He might.
The powder is extremely fine and I found even in the closed bag, little spurts of powder would escape when I squeezed. I opened the bag, and to my surprise it was white, not brown. Couldn't help but think 'crack!!'. It turned brown in the water though.
I'm currently wearing the silver locket Wess got me. I'm very happy to. <3 It's beautiful.
I'm tired, don't want to sleep. Guess I'll play some Chibi-Robo and sleep on the couch, or just do it as I sip my hot chocolate.
It was simply splendid.
Currently I'm drinking one of the eight (about) flavors of hot chocolate he sent me. Peppermint. It's really good. The brand is Sunny's Holiday and it's a relative's hot chocolate factory.
I'm scared to try Jalapeno flavored hot chocolate...
I get a wave of fond memories while drinking it. The smell strongly reminds me of my Christmas scratch-and-sniff book I had when I was little. My favorite was the smell of the tree and the smell of the peppermints.. There was also a Raggedy Anne scratch-and-sniff book that had peppermint smell. Anyway, it smells just like this hot chocolate. Like I'm eating the scratch-and-sniff book..... Yum. :P But it's good, very good.
I'm accustomed to adding hot milk instead of hot water to hot chocolate.. (lot of hot) So I'll ask if it works.. I don't want to waste one of three servings on something that doesn't work. I guess it would but I'm going to ask anyway. Because it tastes a little watery. ...It's like flavored water!
Yum. I wonder if Carson would like it too. He might.
The powder is extremely fine and I found even in the closed bag, little spurts of powder would escape when I squeezed. I opened the bag, and to my surprise it was white, not brown. Couldn't help but think 'crack!!'. It turned brown in the water though.
I'm currently wearing the silver locket Wess got me. I'm very happy to. <3 It's beautiful.
I'm tired, don't want to sleep. Guess I'll play some Chibi-Robo and sleep on the couch, or just do it as I sip my hot chocolate.
Friday, July 07, 2006
My Cat is Calling Me
She's telling me to go to bed. Hopped on my lap then on the table, back down. Guess I should be going then hmm?
Hard to decide. Future pet- bunny, ferret, or bunny? Besides the already owned cat.. Hm. (she's coming with me, for sure)
I was grocery shopping and I saw a fake wedding cake.. Made me think, 'wow, I have to choose that too huh'. Maybe I should start mapping out our wedding. Two years early? Hm.. Eh, some things.
I'm really out of shape so I'm going to exercise tomorrow morning (if I wake in time) and drink water, and sorta map out my food. Eh.. Try, try. I figure I may as well make use of my summer break and attempt to get something self-rewarding.
God. I'm so tempted to take a nice long baaaath.. On mom and I's insane 'grab-everything-you-want' grocery trip at 11 PM tonight, I got some nice new bubble bath stuff. And my aunt randomly gave me bath salt while my teeth were pulled; Maybe she didn't want it? She tends to give spare things that she thinks I'd like. Bath stuff.. <3 I like the smells.. The smells are the best. I also love the completely clean feeling you get when you bother to take a while. I'm so inspired to take a bath at 2 AM (now) and clean my room and make everything -fresh-! I guess my mom will be like 'whatever' about it. I'm staying up late anyway so... Wouldn't hurt to make use of it? Ahhh the cleaning spree feeling.
I need to write down a daily 'must do' list so I'll be more responsible. Like my pills, I need to quit forgetting. I forget and take it a bit late, just hours late but still.
Also I need to make that sign up sheet.. For the Theadora where I'll be working.. Mmm.
Hard to decide. Future pet- bunny, ferret, or bunny? Besides the already owned cat.. Hm. (she's coming with me, for sure)
I was grocery shopping and I saw a fake wedding cake.. Made me think, 'wow, I have to choose that too huh'. Maybe I should start mapping out our wedding. Two years early? Hm.. Eh, some things.
I'm really out of shape so I'm going to exercise tomorrow morning (if I wake in time) and drink water, and sorta map out my food. Eh.. Try, try. I figure I may as well make use of my summer break and attempt to get something self-rewarding.
God. I'm so tempted to take a nice long baaaath.. On mom and I's insane 'grab-everything-you-want' grocery trip at 11 PM tonight, I got some nice new bubble bath stuff. And my aunt randomly gave me bath salt while my teeth were pulled; Maybe she didn't want it? She tends to give spare things that she thinks I'd like. Bath stuff.. <3 I like the smells.. The smells are the best. I also love the completely clean feeling you get when you bother to take a while. I'm so inspired to take a bath at 2 AM (now) and clean my room and make everything -fresh-! I guess my mom will be like 'whatever' about it. I'm staying up late anyway so... Wouldn't hurt to make use of it? Ahhh the cleaning spree feeling.
I need to write down a daily 'must do' list so I'll be more responsible. Like my pills, I need to quit forgetting. I forget and take it a bit late, just hours late but still.
Also I need to make that sign up sheet.. For the Theadora where I'll be working.. Mmm.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
Day Four Of Hell
Ugh, I'm sick of this.
That's all there is to it. Today at 11:30 I had a doctor appointment. In the waiting room were three old ladies, a 19 year old girl (or so) myself and my mom. I looked through People Magazine for the second or third time in my life in that waiting room. It was a long wait, and for a ridiculously short appointment. All I did was open my mouth, he made sure it was healing right, (about ten second process) and then said have a good summer.
He was old and quite the character. He said that people get their wisdom teeth out early because usually the bone is more flexible, but I had a hard head. With that he said, whatever guy I end up with should watch out. I told Wess this and he said he already noticed.
Current pain level- five out of ten.
The pain killers are sloooooooooowly kicking in. the first two days it was at about 8 or 7. To the point of making you crazy staring at the window waiting for your jaw to stop throbbing.
Last night wasn't very fun, I must say. Wess had a momentary breakdown and I suddenly questioned everything. It wasn't much. Wess just has a lot of friends who are falling apart in some ways right now, so he's really worried. I didn't realize he was upset until I said the wrong things and did the wrong things, so I let him leave.
I was exhausted, worn, and very miserable.
For once, I knew he was crying and didn't call. For once, I thought to myself... 'please, just leave him alone.. please, just don't make it worse..'
Words sting when they're the truth.
I couldn't stand it so I ended up calling after he said he was going to bed in his away message.
He answered his cell, which has next to no signal, so he called me back.
I said I was sorry, and sighed. Mostly silent after that.
He then let out what was bothering him. Lastly he told me what me, his fiance, was doing to make it worse. I took it silently, knowing I deserved it. My mind went to a poem I once heard. "Opening my mouth like a bird to willingly take the poison you believe is yours to administer and mine to take" The words stabbed me on the inside. Truth hurts. Flaws I can't seem to hold back.
I closed my eyes, listening silently. 'anything to make him feel better..' I whispered in my mind.
There was a very long silence after that. I wanted him to say more. To tell me what I did, to make me hurt for it so I would stop..
"I love you" I could hardly hear his voice "what.. did you say something..?" "I said I love you" "..why..?" "What do you mean why? How could you ask why?" "Why do you say this.. why now..?" "Because I do Tanya. Even when I'm annoyed at you, I still love you."
I wanted to cry then. I couldn't. I was too tired, too exhausted. But I just wanted a release. I wanted to cry hard. My breath came out in mock sobs, tearless. "What are you doing..." came his reluctant voice. I said nothing. More long silence, only filled by my breath. "Are you crying..?" Silence, and then "I'm too exhausted to cry". More silence, and then "Equivalent of crying without tears." He sighs at that.
"Tanya.. listen to me.. you're not a bad fiance, you're not a bad girlfriend.."
With this came real tears. Did he read it? Did he? Just an hour before I had written Terrible girlfriend, or should I say, fiance. I won't call myself that until he actually asks. Currently I'm feeling like nothing of the sort.. Just another person adding to the problem. Cried with the words. 'yes I am.. yes I am...' my mind responded. "Please don't cry. You don't need this, you don't need to wake up to even more pain, sobbing will make it worse, please stop crying" 'I don't care' more sobs came with this.
"It's okay.." I just cried harder, pressing my aching face into the blankets on the couch to muffle the sound, tears leaking from the corners of my eyes, hiccuping on choked back sobs.
"Am I not still here Tanya? Did I not say I would go through -anything- for you? I'm not going to leave you. Yes I get annoyed at you, yes I get pissed at you sometimes, but it doesn't make me love you any less. I don't love you any less" Course, at this point, it didn't matter what he said, I'd continue crying. "I'm here Tanya.. please stop crying.." More sobbing. "Tanya, I'm begging you, please stop.. Please calm down.." At the time, I could care less if he begged or got on his knees to make me stop crying. Crying was all I wanted to do. "Take deep breathes... calm down.. I'm here.."
Eventually it died down, though the occasional shudder of a sob would leak through.
I stopped, wiping my eyes and nose.
"Please talk to me.."
"What do you want to know.....?"
"Well gosh.. you just spent.. what.. more than 20, no 30 minutes crying, there must be something going through your head.."
I sighed. "Which? What I was thinking then or now?"
"Both... then and now.. I just want to know, what's going through your head.."
Silence.
"Please tell me.."
Again I sighed, trying to sort my thoughts in my head.
"I'll tell you" "mmkay.." "Just... don't say anything..." "Okay" "not until I finish....."
So I took a deep breath, and after a long pause, I slowly explained everything that was plaguing me. How I was disgusted at myself, how I felt like a terrible girlfriend for the way I act.
I told him how I wished I could just leave him alone for a day, how for some reason I can't stand not knowing where he is or what he's doing. How I hated how I nag him about things, how I miss him constantly. I said that I can't stop thinking about him, that I obsess over him, and I wish I'd just let him have a life. That I feel like I'm dragging him here to talk to me, that I feel like I'm a burden. How I'm upset that I can't help him more. How I wish I wasn't so obsessively intimate, how I can't stop thinking about his touch and what it was like to hold him. How I couldn't even before I met him. I told him I think about it every day and I yearn for it every day, that if I had the choice I would keep him on the phone every night to fall asleep with him, just so I could have the illusion of being by his side. How I want to wake him from his nightmares and want to fall asleep on the phone with him, or simply listen to his sleep. How I feel stupid and selfish with how I want him to be with me constantly. How I wish I could go everywhere with him, and don't want to ever let go. How I feel like such a burden to him. That I can't stop, wish I could, can't, can't stop thinking can't stop wanting and can't stop the need to be with him every moment of the day.
I sighed and with that finished.
He then told me..
I know what I'm saying now, and I know how it sounds and what it means, but I mean every word of it... .I don't care. I don't care that you're so attached, I don't care that you nag, I don't care about any of that. I don't want you to change. I've come to terms with all of that. I've come to terms that you probably won't ever be able to change any of it.. and I don't care.
I don't want you to be less attached.. I don't want you to talk to me less. Do you think I'm on the phone with you all night not wanting to fall asleep with you? I could just as easily say 'I have to go to bed, goodnight', but I stay. I -want- to do that with you, and I want to talk to you that much. You're not a burden.. Ask anyone and they'd say I'm happy to be with you. You make me happy.. It's all worth it, for the times we smile and laugh together.
When I talk to you, I don't talk to anyone else.. If anyone else talks to me, I don't say much. I put all my energy into talking to you because I want to give you the most thoughtful answers and to pay the most attention to you. I don't want to talk to anyone else as much as I want to with you.
I need you in my life Tanya.. I need you. I don't know what I'd do without you.. (at this point, his voice strains, like he's about to cry) I honestly think I'd die without you! How could you think I could leave... I told you.. I promised, although maybe not so obviously as you did, I'm not going to leave.. Not until you do.. I don't care what you do, I don't care how much we fight, I'll move on and I'll always forgive you. And I'll always love you. I don't want you to change.. I don't want you to make those things go away. I want you to be you Tanya.. I want you to remain you, who I fell in love with. All I ask is for you to... To put it simply, not be a bitch when things don't go your way, when I can't do things and when things don't work.. I don't care about the rest... And even if you can't change that, I'll always stay....
With the long string of spilling emotions finished, I whispered "I'm sorry.."
"Your forgiven baby" he said "I love you, with all my heart"
"I love you too.. more than anything
So if I had doubted how long he could stand me, how long he could stand my whining and bitching and impatience, there's my answer..
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, you know? It's so true. So true.
With our fights and breakdowns I just learn even more of how much he loves me and how much I love him, and we somehow allow ourselves to get closer as we smooth the wrinkles in our relationship.
Still engaged, without hesitation.
I'm always afraid he won't forgive me, that I truly hurt him bad by not being reliable or not being good enough.. But he continues to prove he loves me just as I am. He continues to forgive my dumb mistakes and continues to comfort me even when I pissed him off just hours before.
It's amazing, and strange...
Such stories come from this.
Oh, by the way, he's finally sending my Valentine. Four and a half months late, hahahha. Gawd. I sent mine about two months late, so I'm not one to make it look that terrible. But goodness, considering I've only been with him about 7 months, 4 months of putting off a Valentine is quite a while.
Honestly, I don't really care if it sucks, I'm just glad to finally get it. And I love getting things from him. <3
I found it sweet when a few days ago on webcam (HE FINALLY SET ONE UP!!!) he held up the photograph I mailed him. I mailed him a picture of me at 7, with a puffy winter coat and long ratty hair with a poka-dotted dress running with her arms extended wide towards the person with the camera, no doubt my grandma. I wrote on the back 'this will be how I will be when I see you again'
Anyway, quite the long story. I'm done finally.
I guess I should sleep huh.
My daily life can be quite the mess of an adventure. Wess noted, every fight and every little kink in our relationship has always started and ended the night it happens. This I find to be a good thing.
Regards to anyone who reads all of this.
-Tanya.
That's all there is to it. Today at 11:30 I had a doctor appointment. In the waiting room were three old ladies, a 19 year old girl (or so) myself and my mom. I looked through People Magazine for the second or third time in my life in that waiting room. It was a long wait, and for a ridiculously short appointment. All I did was open my mouth, he made sure it was healing right, (about ten second process) and then said have a good summer.
He was old and quite the character. He said that people get their wisdom teeth out early because usually the bone is more flexible, but I had a hard head. With that he said, whatever guy I end up with should watch out. I told Wess this and he said he already noticed.
Current pain level- five out of ten.
The pain killers are sloooooooooowly kicking in. the first two days it was at about 8 or 7. To the point of making you crazy staring at the window waiting for your jaw to stop throbbing.
Last night wasn't very fun, I must say. Wess had a momentary breakdown and I suddenly questioned everything. It wasn't much. Wess just has a lot of friends who are falling apart in some ways right now, so he's really worried. I didn't realize he was upset until I said the wrong things and did the wrong things, so I let him leave.
I was exhausted, worn, and very miserable.
For once, I knew he was crying and didn't call. For once, I thought to myself... 'please, just leave him alone.. please, just don't make it worse..'
Words sting when they're the truth.
I couldn't stand it so I ended up calling after he said he was going to bed in his away message.
He answered his cell, which has next to no signal, so he called me back.
I said I was sorry, and sighed. Mostly silent after that.
He then let out what was bothering him. Lastly he told me what me, his fiance, was doing to make it worse. I took it silently, knowing I deserved it. My mind went to a poem I once heard. "Opening my mouth like a bird to willingly take the poison you believe is yours to administer and mine to take" The words stabbed me on the inside. Truth hurts. Flaws I can't seem to hold back.
I closed my eyes, listening silently. 'anything to make him feel better..' I whispered in my mind.
There was a very long silence after that. I wanted him to say more. To tell me what I did, to make me hurt for it so I would stop..
"I love you" I could hardly hear his voice "what.. did you say something..?" "I said I love you" "..why..?" "What do you mean why? How could you ask why?" "Why do you say this.. why now..?" "Because I do Tanya. Even when I'm annoyed at you, I still love you."
I wanted to cry then. I couldn't. I was too tired, too exhausted. But I just wanted a release. I wanted to cry hard. My breath came out in mock sobs, tearless. "What are you doing..." came his reluctant voice. I said nothing. More long silence, only filled by my breath. "Are you crying..?" Silence, and then "I'm too exhausted to cry". More silence, and then "Equivalent of crying without tears." He sighs at that.
"Tanya.. listen to me.. you're not a bad fiance, you're not a bad girlfriend.."
With this came real tears. Did he read it? Did he? Just an hour before I had written Terrible girlfriend, or should I say, fiance. I won't call myself that until he actually asks. Currently I'm feeling like nothing of the sort.. Just another person adding to the problem. Cried with the words. 'yes I am.. yes I am...' my mind responded. "Please don't cry. You don't need this, you don't need to wake up to even more pain, sobbing will make it worse, please stop crying" 'I don't care' more sobs came with this.
"It's okay.." I just cried harder, pressing my aching face into the blankets on the couch to muffle the sound, tears leaking from the corners of my eyes, hiccuping on choked back sobs.
"Am I not still here Tanya? Did I not say I would go through -anything- for you? I'm not going to leave you. Yes I get annoyed at you, yes I get pissed at you sometimes, but it doesn't make me love you any less. I don't love you any less" Course, at this point, it didn't matter what he said, I'd continue crying. "I'm here Tanya.. please stop crying.." More sobbing. "Tanya, I'm begging you, please stop.. Please calm down.." At the time, I could care less if he begged or got on his knees to make me stop crying. Crying was all I wanted to do. "Take deep breathes... calm down.. I'm here.."
Eventually it died down, though the occasional shudder of a sob would leak through.
I stopped, wiping my eyes and nose.
"Please talk to me.."
"What do you want to know.....?"
"Well gosh.. you just spent.. what.. more than 20, no 30 minutes crying, there must be something going through your head.."
I sighed. "Which? What I was thinking then or now?"
"Both... then and now.. I just want to know, what's going through your head.."
Silence.
"Please tell me.."
Again I sighed, trying to sort my thoughts in my head.
"I'll tell you" "mmkay.." "Just... don't say anything..." "Okay" "not until I finish....."
So I took a deep breath, and after a long pause, I slowly explained everything that was plaguing me. How I was disgusted at myself, how I felt like a terrible girlfriend for the way I act.
I told him how I wished I could just leave him alone for a day, how for some reason I can't stand not knowing where he is or what he's doing. How I hated how I nag him about things, how I miss him constantly. I said that I can't stop thinking about him, that I obsess over him, and I wish I'd just let him have a life. That I feel like I'm dragging him here to talk to me, that I feel like I'm a burden. How I'm upset that I can't help him more. How I wish I wasn't so obsessively intimate, how I can't stop thinking about his touch and what it was like to hold him. How I couldn't even before I met him. I told him I think about it every day and I yearn for it every day, that if I had the choice I would keep him on the phone every night to fall asleep with him, just so I could have the illusion of being by his side. How I want to wake him from his nightmares and want to fall asleep on the phone with him, or simply listen to his sleep. How I feel stupid and selfish with how I want him to be with me constantly. How I wish I could go everywhere with him, and don't want to ever let go. How I feel like such a burden to him. That I can't stop, wish I could, can't, can't stop thinking can't stop wanting and can't stop the need to be with him every moment of the day.
I sighed and with that finished.
He then told me..
I know what I'm saying now, and I know how it sounds and what it means, but I mean every word of it... .I don't care. I don't care that you're so attached, I don't care that you nag, I don't care about any of that. I don't want you to change. I've come to terms with all of that. I've come to terms that you probably won't ever be able to change any of it.. and I don't care.
I don't want you to be less attached.. I don't want you to talk to me less. Do you think I'm on the phone with you all night not wanting to fall asleep with you? I could just as easily say 'I have to go to bed, goodnight', but I stay. I -want- to do that with you, and I want to talk to you that much. You're not a burden.. Ask anyone and they'd say I'm happy to be with you. You make me happy.. It's all worth it, for the times we smile and laugh together.
When I talk to you, I don't talk to anyone else.. If anyone else talks to me, I don't say much. I put all my energy into talking to you because I want to give you the most thoughtful answers and to pay the most attention to you. I don't want to talk to anyone else as much as I want to with you.
I need you in my life Tanya.. I need you. I don't know what I'd do without you.. (at this point, his voice strains, like he's about to cry) I honestly think I'd die without you! How could you think I could leave... I told you.. I promised, although maybe not so obviously as you did, I'm not going to leave.. Not until you do.. I don't care what you do, I don't care how much we fight, I'll move on and I'll always forgive you. And I'll always love you. I don't want you to change.. I don't want you to make those things go away. I want you to be you Tanya.. I want you to remain you, who I fell in love with. All I ask is for you to... To put it simply, not be a bitch when things don't go your way, when I can't do things and when things don't work.. I don't care about the rest... And even if you can't change that, I'll always stay....
With the long string of spilling emotions finished, I whispered "I'm sorry.."
"Your forgiven baby" he said "I love you, with all my heart"
"I love you too.. more than anything
So if I had doubted how long he could stand me, how long he could stand my whining and bitching and impatience, there's my answer..
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, you know? It's so true. So true.
With our fights and breakdowns I just learn even more of how much he loves me and how much I love him, and we somehow allow ourselves to get closer as we smooth the wrinkles in our relationship.
Still engaged, without hesitation.
I'm always afraid he won't forgive me, that I truly hurt him bad by not being reliable or not being good enough.. But he continues to prove he loves me just as I am. He continues to forgive my dumb mistakes and continues to comfort me even when I pissed him off just hours before.
It's amazing, and strange...
Such stories come from this.
Oh, by the way, he's finally sending my Valentine. Four and a half months late, hahahha. Gawd. I sent mine about two months late, so I'm not one to make it look that terrible. But goodness, considering I've only been with him about 7 months, 4 months of putting off a Valentine is quite a while.
Honestly, I don't really care if it sucks, I'm just glad to finally get it. And I love getting things from him. <3
I found it sweet when a few days ago on webcam (HE FINALLY SET ONE UP!!!) he held up the photograph I mailed him. I mailed him a picture of me at 7, with a puffy winter coat and long ratty hair with a poka-dotted dress running with her arms extended wide towards the person with the camera, no doubt my grandma. I wrote on the back 'this will be how I will be when I see you again'
Anyway, quite the long story. I'm done finally.
I guess I should sleep huh.
My daily life can be quite the mess of an adventure. Wess noted, every fight and every little kink in our relationship has always started and ended the night it happens. This I find to be a good thing.
Regards to anyone who reads all of this.
-Tanya.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
In pain in a number of ways.. But it always feels better to be clean.
Terrible girlfriend, or should I say, fiance. I won't call myself that until he actually asks. Currently I'm feeling like nothing of the sort.. Just another person adding to the problem.
My stomach is sick. I feel miserable. The pain alone is enough.
Mom kept on staring at me as I walked through the kitchen. "What?" "You just look so sad, so weak.." "What do you expect? I can't even eat.."
That's my excuse. I'm surprised that through these puffed cheeks emotion is still able to be read.
I can't take pain medicine till I eat. And the thought of eating anything right now makes me sick. Torture either way. Either my stomach or my face.. Currently, it's both.
The thought of him sobbing almost drove me to letting go of my 'leave it alone.. let it alone.. leave him alone..' stance, but I have no energy left and what can I say to him? 'It'll be okay'? What will be okay?
It hurts to move my mouth. I tried to call him anyway, yesterday, the day before, the day before.
Pain, more pain. Quite endless... Mental pain, physical pain, mental pain, physical pain.
My face is bruising. A disgusting yellow tint staining my jawline. Bruised apple, best way to describe.
I feel like drawing sad things..
Terrible girlfriend, or should I say, fiance. I won't call myself that until he actually asks. Currently I'm feeling like nothing of the sort.. Just another person adding to the problem.
My stomach is sick. I feel miserable. The pain alone is enough.
Mom kept on staring at me as I walked through the kitchen. "What?" "You just look so sad, so weak.." "What do you expect? I can't even eat.."
That's my excuse. I'm surprised that through these puffed cheeks emotion is still able to be read.
I can't take pain medicine till I eat. And the thought of eating anything right now makes me sick. Torture either way. Either my stomach or my face.. Currently, it's both.
The thought of him sobbing almost drove me to letting go of my 'leave it alone.. let it alone.. leave him alone..' stance, but I have no energy left and what can I say to him? 'It'll be okay'? What will be okay?
It hurts to move my mouth. I tried to call him anyway, yesterday, the day before, the day before.
Pain, more pain. Quite endless... Mental pain, physical pain, mental pain, physical pain.
My face is bruising. A disgusting yellow tint staining my jawline. Bruised apple, best way to describe.
I feel like drawing sad things..
Saturday, June 17, 2006
A Girl Engaged
A ring on my finger
a cloud in my hands
a smile on my face
who could understand?
My life is rendered, melted down to joy
my pain obsolete, tears now dry
Your ring, my hand..
My life, my heart,
my future, I part
to him still a boy
With these rings
I beg for your your smile
for every sorrow to be mine
to hold and sweep
into my arms,
and for every tear you’ve shed,
I promise to make you smile..
For each day to take you awake
to reluctantly let you on your way
with slipped heart kiss
and to sing you to sleep,
with this voice, your lullaby
and hold you as we dream..
My eyes are yours to swim
my mouth, your sanctuary
from any hurt, dare it may..
I’ll fight back your shadows,
I’ll cuss out the past
My eyes soft knives
my words administering
to make right of wrong
to what you believed
was your poison to take..
I pray to coax out the smiles
if not, take mine, wide for us both
And I swear I heard your eyes laugh
from the corner of my mouth..
And what words but..
“I love you...” and “I do..”
could ever ring so true
To speak the side of me
you’ve glanced, not seen
Bubbled in sighs,
but strong to scream
Spreading throughout me,
soft like a dream..
What but ‘surreal..’
what but ‘unbelievable’
what but ‘unreal’
could this all be...
You and me..
a cloud in my hands
a smile on my face
who could understand?
My life is rendered, melted down to joy
my pain obsolete, tears now dry
Your ring, my hand..
My life, my heart,
my future, I part
to him still a boy
With these rings
I beg for your your smile
for every sorrow to be mine
to hold and sweep
into my arms,
and for every tear you’ve shed,
I promise to make you smile..
For each day to take you awake
to reluctantly let you on your way
with slipped heart kiss
and to sing you to sleep,
with this voice, your lullaby
and hold you as we dream..
My eyes are yours to swim
my mouth, your sanctuary
from any hurt, dare it may..
I’ll fight back your shadows,
I’ll cuss out the past
My eyes soft knives
my words administering
to make right of wrong
to what you believed
was your poison to take..
I pray to coax out the smiles
if not, take mine, wide for us both
And I swear I heard your eyes laugh
from the corner of my mouth..
And what words but..
“I love you...” and “I do..”
could ever ring so true
To speak the side of me
you’ve glanced, not seen
Bubbled in sighs,
but strong to scream
Spreading throughout me,
soft like a dream..
What but ‘surreal..’
what but ‘unbelievable’
what but ‘unreal’
could this all be...
You and me..
Sunday, May 28, 2006
In My Arms
Fallen behind
what once was mine
Smile, bittersweet memory
Keeping within, I've tried to pretend
it was once a sweet melody
Behind my eyes
are roses and storms
behind yours,
are sticks and stones
I've kept you soft embraced
through every thorn
And as it tears through
I'll keep you still in my arms
I'll keep you still in my arms...
I know I'm not right,
when you say you're all wrong
I know that we'll fight,
from all that we've done
But behind the light,
I can see through your eyes
Wounded animal, wings that can't fly
And I'll keep you forever,
still in my arms
Whether the thorns tear right through me
and scar up and down
I'll keep you still in my arms
I'll keep you still in my arms...
what once was mine
Smile, bittersweet memory
Keeping within, I've tried to pretend
it was once a sweet melody
Behind my eyes
are roses and storms
behind yours,
are sticks and stones
I've kept you soft embraced
through every thorn
And as it tears through
I'll keep you still in my arms
I'll keep you still in my arms...
I know I'm not right,
when you say you're all wrong
I know that we'll fight,
from all that we've done
But behind the light,
I can see through your eyes
Wounded animal, wings that can't fly
And I'll keep you forever,
still in my arms
Whether the thorns tear right through me
and scar up and down
I'll keep you still in my arms
I'll keep you still in my arms...
Anxiety
Stress is sort of getting to me again.
Why do I feel so shitty.. I'm trying to figure out....
Mmm... Well....
I'm just experiencing a lot of anxieties.
List.. Think..
I have D's on my progress report, for the first time ever. And some C's, and a B......
I have to do those interviews, and write a paper.. And study for Japanese.
Oh.. the poetry portfolio...
Please hug me.
My parents are obviously disappointed, and don't have faith in me.
I don't really have much faith either, because it's so much for me to take in and try to balance..
English (LA), US History, Biology, Japanese, Math... All ones that require quite a bit of thought. All ones that assign quite a bit of homework and have a lot of tests.
If I had just three classes to concentrate on, I could get A's like I used to.. But five? Five that require equal amount of thought, time, and patience.. Patience I don't have. Discipline that I lost...
I just want to pass with okay grades and be fine..
I want to be able to sit down at the table and just get it all done.. Without my mind always wandering and feeling unnerved just having it in front of me.
Whilst being overwhelmed, I also feel very.... Yearning? Basically I really, really miss Wess right now and something has heightened this feeling, not sure what. More worried more attached more lonely. But.. can it be helped? Considering I had three days with the luxury of his presence, only for it to disappear once again... His lips, his eyes, his hair, his smile, his self... Him carefree and a glimpse at what I want more than anything to be my future....
Just feeling an overwhelming need for him to be here, next to me.. To not fall asleep in an empty bed..
I miss you..
Why do I feel so shitty.. I'm trying to figure out....
Mmm... Well....
I'm just experiencing a lot of anxieties.
List.. Think..
I have D's on my progress report, for the first time ever. And some C's, and a B......
I have to do those interviews, and write a paper.. And study for Japanese.
Oh.. the poetry portfolio...
Please hug me.
My parents are obviously disappointed, and don't have faith in me.
I don't really have much faith either, because it's so much for me to take in and try to balance..
English (LA), US History, Biology, Japanese, Math... All ones that require quite a bit of thought. All ones that assign quite a bit of homework and have a lot of tests.
If I had just three classes to concentrate on, I could get A's like I used to.. But five? Five that require equal amount of thought, time, and patience.. Patience I don't have. Discipline that I lost...
I just want to pass with okay grades and be fine..
I want to be able to sit down at the table and just get it all done.. Without my mind always wandering and feeling unnerved just having it in front of me.
Whilst being overwhelmed, I also feel very.... Yearning? Basically I really, really miss Wess right now and something has heightened this feeling, not sure what. More worried more attached more lonely. But.. can it be helped? Considering I had three days with the luxury of his presence, only for it to disappear once again... His lips, his eyes, his hair, his smile, his self... Him carefree and a glimpse at what I want more than anything to be my future....
Just feeling an overwhelming need for him to be here, next to me.. To not fall asleep in an empty bed..
I miss you..
Saturday, May 27, 2006
String of Dreams
It was cold.. A long gate ran along the.. mansion. Everything was white, it was snowing. I was barefoot in the snow. I traced my fingers along the tall metal fence, looking at the barbed wire at the top as I walked. I reached the front, where at the entrance were two burning torches. It was the night, and they provided a warm glow to the cold surroundings. The sky was black and I watched the falling snow. I made it to the front gate where the snow was more slush, and you could see a faint gray were the cement would be. I stood in front of it, looking. The only part of the gate that had no barbed wire. I looked down at the latch, which I expected to be locked, but to my surprise the gate was just a bit open. "It's open.." I whispered. I slowly pushed forward, and slipped through the gate. I moved forward down the walk, towards the staircase. I heard a sound behind me, and my head jerked back. I looked and I saw things, creatures, coming behind me. They looked to be dead people, scuttling slowly forward. I ran up to the door, tugging at the doorknob, but it was locked. I looked down and saw a padlock, with a combination. I tugged at it in panic, and then as the creatures drew closer, someone dropped down to land behind me. He was wearing dark clothes and had messy black hair to his shoulders. He stood in a stance to fight, while he turned to me and whispered the combination. 3.... 15... 5... I turned the knob, looking for the numbers. "I have to do it this time.. Maybe I'll be faster.." I unlocked it, dropping the lock to the floor and pushing open the door, slipping in and closing it firmly behind me. I locked it, and exhaled. The mansion was of dark wood, and a few things were familiar. The same desk was in the middle of the room, and the fireplace in the same place. On top of the desk was a glass aquarium that served as a cage, larger than it used to be. Inside was a large mouse, Keebi. I opened the cage and put my hand in, letting it scuttle up and onto my hand, and then off again.
I was in a ship, a car, something that could hover and fly. We were in the dessert, moving towards the rocks dry and grey, of what seemed to be mountains. I opened the side door and moved out, the wind blowing at my hair as I shut it behind me, standing on the ledge. I held two purple wings, and beckoned to people who were passing by, half flying half running. They regarded me. They were purple-skinned from head to toe, with long dark hair and wings. They glared and shook their heads. I heard a voice in my head "If you're not the same, if you're not a fairy too, they won't join you". I succeeded on having other people board, those of almost human features.
I wandered the halls of a prison, looking for a certain cell. I was to be put into one. I found one with a hole in the ceiling, glowing a shade of pink to red. I went into the cell, and then I swung myself up and grabbed the edge of the hole. I looked over the ledge and was looking out at my front yard. My legs swung below me as I tried to pull myself up. Below me and down the hall I heard "you haven't fixed it yet??" and quick footsteps. I pulled myself all the way up, and dropped down into my yard.
I was in a ship, a car, something that could hover and fly. We were in the dessert, moving towards the rocks dry and grey, of what seemed to be mountains. I opened the side door and moved out, the wind blowing at my hair as I shut it behind me, standing on the ledge. I held two purple wings, and beckoned to people who were passing by, half flying half running. They regarded me. They were purple-skinned from head to toe, with long dark hair and wings. They glared and shook their heads. I heard a voice in my head "If you're not the same, if you're not a fairy too, they won't join you". I succeeded on having other people board, those of almost human features.
I wandered the halls of a prison, looking for a certain cell. I was to be put into one. I found one with a hole in the ceiling, glowing a shade of pink to red. I went into the cell, and then I swung myself up and grabbed the edge of the hole. I looked over the ledge and was looking out at my front yard. My legs swung below me as I tried to pull myself up. Below me and down the hall I heard "you haven't fixed it yet??" and quick footsteps. I pulled myself all the way up, and dropped down into my yard.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Future Thoughts
I've been thinking a lot of my future lately..... What I want, what I'm thinking..
First off, I think of the possibility of my first boyfriend not being the one I end up spending my life with, and it makes me feel sick to the stomach, because I don't want to ever be with anyone but him...
So, my thought is... I imagine because we love each other so much, if we ever break up, we'll someday meet again. If he gets to the point of being so gloomy and so depressed that I can't be around him without hurting, and if that causes me to leave him and be gone for something like a year... I think that either I'll die inside and beg for his return, or he'll beg for me to come back. If neither of those happen, then I'd think he'd come back someday when he felt what caused us to be torn apart was something he had gotten over or I had gotten over, something that was no longer an issue.
We both love each other to pieces, and whenever we fight we're both being idiots in one way or another more so than not getting along.. I can't see not forgiving, and I can't see it getting to the point of wanting to leave each other...
But, now I'm going to be honest..
When I finish college or get well into it, I want him to move in with me.
I want to get into college and get a part-time job, and live in an apartment.. And for him to someday move in with me and we'd split the price.
The thing I really can't do is leave Seattle for good. Because I love this city more than any other, and it's home. Wess has had the experience of moving, but I never have.. So I could never let go of this place.
I'm not saying I won't ever travel.. I'm just saying that I don't want to settle down anywhere else, at least from now till the end of my 20's. I've been kinda cooped up so long that I haven't even opened up to my own home, so I couldn't ditch this place. It has a lot of potential.. And the best weather, weather I'm used to, temperatures I like.
I want to travel to different countries and states and I could stay there weeks or months, but I want to go back to the place I call home, here, Seattle.
If you ever want to live with me Wess, please come to me..
I have so many dreams of things to do with you.
First off, I think of the possibility of my first boyfriend not being the one I end up spending my life with, and it makes me feel sick to the stomach, because I don't want to ever be with anyone but him...
So, my thought is... I imagine because we love each other so much, if we ever break up, we'll someday meet again. If he gets to the point of being so gloomy and so depressed that I can't be around him without hurting, and if that causes me to leave him and be gone for something like a year... I think that either I'll die inside and beg for his return, or he'll beg for me to come back. If neither of those happen, then I'd think he'd come back someday when he felt what caused us to be torn apart was something he had gotten over or I had gotten over, something that was no longer an issue.
We both love each other to pieces, and whenever we fight we're both being idiots in one way or another more so than not getting along.. I can't see not forgiving, and I can't see it getting to the point of wanting to leave each other...
But, now I'm going to be honest..
When I finish college or get well into it, I want him to move in with me.
I want to get into college and get a part-time job, and live in an apartment.. And for him to someday move in with me and we'd split the price.
The thing I really can't do is leave Seattle for good. Because I love this city more than any other, and it's home. Wess has had the experience of moving, but I never have.. So I could never let go of this place.
I'm not saying I won't ever travel.. I'm just saying that I don't want to settle down anywhere else, at least from now till the end of my 20's. I've been kinda cooped up so long that I haven't even opened up to my own home, so I couldn't ditch this place. It has a lot of potential.. And the best weather, weather I'm used to, temperatures I like.
I want to travel to different countries and states and I could stay there weeks or months, but I want to go back to the place I call home, here, Seattle.
If you ever want to live with me Wess, please come to me..
I have so many dreams of things to do with you.
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