These things came to mind....
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Honestly, I really wish I could be a camera whore. I wish I could be vain. I wish I could take pictures of myself in dramatic ways and I wish I could flaunt these on the internet. I wish I could do whatever the hell I want. I wish I could do stupid selfish things like that, and not be judged for it. I wish I could and have no one really care. I wish I didn’t care what people thought and did whatever the heck I feel I want to.
I wish I could do what was stereotypically goth, emo, scene, preppy, without someone telling me I was one of these things.
I wish I could be a model, because I’d like to try on the neat clothes and be an image of art. I wish I could be a model who only wore makeup to emphasis and went without botox.
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I have odd sides to me. I have the side, that says, I want to be not held in by this mold of what I should or shouldn't do, not because it's against what I believe, but because other people would see me wrongly because of it. The side that wants to go against what makes the stereotypical Tanya.
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I don't like going to school, because subconsciously, though I'm used to it, I'm thinking of how I look... Constantly. I'm wincing at my hair. I'm trying to smooth out the tinted greasy locks that I didn't have time to wash. My hands go to my face.. Only half aware, my fingernails run over every scab mark or flaw. I only know myself aware because I try to conceal this action. Makeup in the morning to hide the red. Babypowder to hide the shine of grease in my hair. Another glance in the mirror and the prayer that I don't look as terrible as I feel I do. In pictures I move my hair over my eye, half of habit, or maybe especially to hide the flaws of my face that clash against pale skin.
I have to wear bandaids on my face at night, because I get nervous. And when I'm nervous, what happens? Fingers to face. So a bandaid to anything I can feel in contrast, if I run my fingers down my face. It just makes it look worse, though for some reason it's calming to make it so instead of feeling the roughness of scabs or acne I feel blood instead. Comfort in knowing that'll 'heal' and be gone. Right. Known not to be true, but I guess I'd be willing to bloody my face if the flaws could be gone. Wasting kleenex pressing it to my face to stop the most minor yet endless flow of blood, a pain in the ass. So I stop at that point. But a day later, no doubt I'll give to temptation.
Though calming, the next day it makes me feel worse about my looks. And when I feel bad about my looks, I maim up my face more. Funny how that is.
I once said to one, it's my way of self mutilation. Course he worried when I called it that. Sounds a lot more dramatic.
What habits..
My hands are very restless. Nervous restless, I need to feel something, do something, when I'm nervous. Commonly during class my hands have nothing but eachother.. Unlike the average, my nails aren't short because I bite them. They are because I peel them. Also I've recently been bobbing my leg at an uncontrollable rate, making Carson say "quit doing that!" feeling the vibrations on the couch. When nervous I also play with my hair, and put my hands in my pockets. Or I draw all over my hands, writing the things on my mind keeping me so restless.
I have a lot of odd nasty habits such as that. I don't mention it because it's gross, but I may as well. Honestly I don't really consciously hate the way I look, or anything like that.. Yet I subconsciously do all these things.. All things that have to do with 'flaws' and self-conscious thoughts. I guess it's odd and interesting.
Ha-ha Wess, I'm a handful.
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