Today, Smile

My apologies to Renan for not responding to his email yet--... It's been chaotic trying to finish homework. And I've kinda been banned from the computer until I finish it..

I called Wess today. .. ...... :)
<3

I felt slightly retarded but I enjoyed talking even so.
^ ^;;... Yes I laugh to myself at every pause, when nothing is said, when something comes to my head. And yes I can't figure out how to put anything to words, and cannot read Wess' nearly constant sarcasm. I basically giggled or went "hehe.." to myself about.. at least 20 times during the 1 or 2 hour phone call.
I guess that's my way of smiling over the phone. They can't see me, and silence is kinda like.. you wonder why it's so quiet. So a small giggle to show that I'm happy here or enjoying a thought. Who knows. But it's something I do all the time, at least, on the phone with Wess.

He says he's shy. :P I can't imagine that when he's talking away and throwing out sarcastic jokes and laughs at the randomness of my giggling and telling me about things. But when it gets quiet I can see it. But when he's quiet I don't see it as shy, just more.. sweet? Quiet isn't shy.. But I guess it depends.

I love how soft and honest his voice sounds when he says he loves me. ^__^ Just gives me that warm happy feeling every time I hear it. Just thinking about it is making me get that warm fizzy feeling. :)

Hm.. For some reason I couldn't really say what was on my mind though. I guess it was I just couldn't put it to words or question. I don't exactly know how to express- that I'm dying to hear ..- I'd give a lot to hear.. just.. ... ..... ...... even here I'm having trouble putting it to words...... ...
When he talks about sweet things.. or.. when he starts talking about things we'll do together.. (the lights down at central park, how I'd bundle up and he'd carry me, cuddling as we take a nap..) his voice just gets soft and quiet, and the way it sound is just.. I don't know. Lulling, relaxing, sweet, makes me smile and just feel... Loved and like hugging him and not letting go. Or like for just a moment he's here. And whenever he talks that way, I lose any doubt of him ever leaving, lose all doubts about the possibility of it not working.. It's like a silent promise that he'll always love me, and that I really mean something to him.

How I would explain this over the phone.. Impossible, which is why I went silent, and I laughed and say, how am I supposed to ask this?

He wondered if it was making out I had in mind, which could be (would be nice) but that's not what I meant.

I'm.. Not confident, not reassured, so I guess I just want to curl up and listen to.. haha... 'sweet nothings'... (but not nothings at all). I'm like a child, I already said... Give me a lullaby, tell me a story, speak softly. Curl up in the embrace of your voice.
I don't know why.. just.. bleh I'm odd.
It's like how I always stay in bed for a long time, just so I can close my eyes and think about things I wish. Just to daydream and feel safe and untouchable, like nothing's to fear and nothing will hurt me. A temporary sanctuary, a safety.
.. I'd like to be safe in your arms. (that was random)

Anyway, enough rambling.......