Ow.......

Ow ow ow ow ow owowow I feel like crying for the first time in months and months..

And I ache everywhere. My heart literally aches. Well, technically just all the muscles in my chest have tensed up, but it feels like my heart is aching.
And it sucks. Hurts a lot. I just want to cry my eyes out.


Hey Zandry.. It's not your fault, I'll give you that much. Bless my fucking idiotic soul, I'm not blaming you for shit.
You even said after I said.....

"He's calm but I think he's freaking out because I'm talking to you..."
"lol"
"I told him"
"why?"
"I'm not going to hide things from him, jeesh.. I should tell him these things"
"it's your funeral"
"haha.."

Jesus you were quite correct Zandry. It still freaks me out how you said "Be with Wess!" all the time. But you also said "Be with Nikhil!" haha. But you were close enough. Sorry I didn't listen, I couldn't listen at the time. He wasn't even single, sheesh. :P and I didn't know he'd make a nice boyfriend.

Well, a nice boyfriend. but.. I don't know why he's so.. I don't know what the hell is making him... I don't know why the hell he's doing this.........

I love him to fucking death *squeezes eyes shut* I love him I love him why can't he get that. Why can't he understand I never want to hurt him and I'd give so much just for him to understand and know I'll stay.

I'm not a pretty girl who'll leave in a flash, I'm not someone that anyone has to try to deserve.

It hurts a lot. To hurt people.. There's nothing that hurts me more than that. Which is why I'm so broken right now. I hurt him and he continues to hurt me by making me realize that. And not being forgiven...
I remember at 13, I would hate myself constantly for stupid little things. Someone waved to me and I didn't have time to wave back, I stuttered, I bumped into someone.. For doing this I felt such an intense regret that I hated that I was alive. I cringed at every tiny little thing I did wrong.
That diminished mostly, but it still hurts me. Because I don't give much of a damn about myself, I just want the people I'm with to be happy. And when I hurt them somehow.. I feel more pain than you know.

I don't hold any protection against what I do.. When I step on a snail I feel so upset and have to pay my respects. When I do something wrong, even when they forgive me I feel quite terrible.

My life, that's how it is. Kinda hurts being alive when everything you do wrong (which is a lot) hurts more than it should.

Oh whatever, I'll go cry now.