Fear

My heart went to my throat as I realized what had happened.
'I upset him.. somehow.. how..... was it what I read? was it me.. what was it....'
silent panic
I hung up the phone and went upstairs, fear and guilt choking me.
My eyes stared at his away message. 'I made it worse, much much worse.... no.... Wess........'

I looked to myspace, in hopes of some sign, anything.. To say something...
"I need your shoulder tonight"
Just as I was on the phone with him...
My eyes scan for anything more to tell me...
With the bulletin, fear jolted through my veins.
"Snapped"
"he runs out his front door
heading to who knows where
tonight"

My heart hammers in panic. 'Wess.. no.. please.. please please.. don't go..' Fear consumes me and no calm can be achieved with any stupid thoughts of 'he'll be okay'. "no he won't he won't oh god he won't" whispers my head..
To Malila's company I stumble.
"My life sucks more than yours!"
I say this in reference to our conversation that day, how Artemisa and Malila was debating whose life sucked more.
She said to me this:

Malila: Now, Do exactly what I say in the astricks, and scream at the top of your lungs what I type in caps. OK? You ready for this!?
Me: I guess so, I'm home alone, so sure
Malila: *flap arms like chicken and dance* HOW FUNKY IS YOUR CHICKEN!?
Me: *does it and cracks up*
Malila: *dance again* HOW FUNKY IS YOUR CHICKEN!?
Me: not at the top of my lungs but close XD, oh god
Malila: *dance the kabooteh dance* HOW BIG IS YOUR KABOOTEH!?
Me: haha, at least I got a laugh out of that, thank you XDD

At the diversity assembly today, at the end, a large group of people showed us singing from South Africa, and then... They did something else African, in English... And that is what they said. "HOW FUNKY IS YOUR CHICKEN!?" and dancing. It cracked me up for Malila to say that, and I did it which was even funnier.

Though I was in a mad panic, I was glad to smile.
I told her the issue. "Well that's not good"
I told her I was scared scared scared and I didn't know what was wrong and was just so scared..

I said to her.. "to hell with it, I'm calling his home number.. it's 1 AM over there.. *sigh* I hate to disturb his fam"
Malila: well if its an emergency..
Me: I don't know if it is, I don't know if he's just taking a walk or breaking down a whole lot.. Ack ack ack I'll just call.

Thank god, he answered.. I was so relieved but also still so afraid...
"Why are you afraid?"
"What do you mean why am I afraid? You're hurting and I don't know why and it's 1 AM and you're saying you're running off into the night and I don't know what to do!!"

We talk longer.. At first he sounds very peeved at me for being in his face, but I talk to him longer.. And he spills why he's so upset.. And with that I understand, and my voice softens with realization... He's afraid.
Afraid, so very afraid.. Afraid to lose his heart. Because if he does, he feels he'll never love again, and that it'll kill him. He loves me so much that he couldn't love anyone else, he believes. Not even if I left..
He said to me softly, "I want to so badly..", that he wanted to put his trust in me and open his heart to me completely.. But he's afraid.. I told him I understood, and I do. It's the biggest risk and it's so scary.. I whispered to him reassuring words that I truly meant, whispering that I loved him too much and I'd never even thought of leaving him, even when things were really bad. "I love you too much.. when we're fighting or upset, I just want to hug you and say I'm sorry so it can be over with and we can be smiling together again.."
I love him so much.... I want him to trust me.. It's hard for him. He's so afraid that he'll do something again and I won't forgive him, and he'll lose me..
He won't.. He won't.
He loves me too much. I love him too much. I won't abandon him. I won't let it be too much weight and I won't let fears take over, I won't let fights and misunderstandings make me forget how much he loves me..

My poor Wess... He's just afraid....