I just received the best news ever. The best news ever...
Weston.. The guy I'm in love with.. Is coming to visit.. April 10th.. Oh.. my.. god.
I'm so happy.
I can hug him and hold him and kiss him and cuddle and laugh with him and we'll be dorks together.. singing obnoxiously:
"We got together like ramalamalama iidangidangada.. Remember forever, a shooapshooap boopibiboopti wa.. Chang chang, changitychangchubop, that's the way it should beeee! Wooooah yeah!"
*laughs*
I'm meeting the boy I love. .. wow. The guy who loves me a crapload. God I am SO happy. Happy happy happy.
32 days until I meet him for the first time.
Talked on the phone with him.. I'm so excited.
*giggles immaturely* he said 'I love you too baby' before hanging up. Heeheheh. XD Sorry, I'm elated as hell.
Funny how my life works this way.. It goes to hell for a week or two, and then turns around and becomes the best time of my life.
Last night I was crying my eyes out. Because I was a complete idiot and said things I didn't want to say, and I didn't realize it until it was too late. Terrible.. I'm sure anyone who I ever attempted a relationship with would know how I am sometimes. A selfish, immature bitch. Yeah I get that way.. I don't realize how I sound until it's all laid out in front of me, and at that point I realize 'shit. no.'
I hadn't cried in months and months, and even then the tears weren't coming although I really wanted to cry. I was so upset with myself. Just wanted to take absolutely everything back and hurt no one but myself. Upon him ditching me to take a shower because I hurt him, I swore to myself for a good ten minutes and then dialed his number. I listened to his ringtone and waited for the familiar sound of the message machine. My mind had gone completely blank with despair to what I would say and do when the message machine came on, but I had to say something more.
I was surprised and startled to here the ringing stop and hear his voice, and a lot less low and harsh than I expected.. 'hello?' he said like any normal person, when the most I expected was a pained silence or short harsh words.
"Wess...." I whispered, voice wavering. I choked on my words and the tears finally started pouring out, and I didn't speak. "Tanya.." he said quietly, sighing "..are you crying?" Sobbing now, I managed a "Yes-". "Baby.. it's okay.. shh shh shh..." I continued crying uncontrollably. Something along the lines of this was said. "What happened to 'people make mistakes'? We all make mistakes, you're only human" "I don't care I don't care I hate it I hurt you and-... I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry.." "I've forgiven you, okay? I love you, I'm not leaving you" "I wish I could just shut up.. Just shut the fuck up.. I don't know to until it's too late and I've said everything I don't want to" silence and then more of me crying "Yes you can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but everyone is. Every relationship has times when we're stupid because we care so much about each other. Yes you can be, but behind that you're the most wonderful girl I've ever met. You make me happy, Tanya. You make me happier than I've ever been." (and more muffled crying) "I don't care.. I'm just so.. I'm sorry.. I wish I could be perfect for you" "I don't want you to be perfect. I love you just as you are and don't want you to change. And I've forgiven you." "You shouldn't..."
This goes on for quite some time, I'm crying at least ten or fifteen minutes straight, and for some time he just goes silent with an occasional comforting word.
After I finally stopped crying and got a hold of myself we talked, and by the end hours later I was laughing.
"why did you answer the phone...? You sounded so.. so... I don't know.. you just said what you did and left.. I didn't expect you to answer it.." I said to him quietly, after my tears had subsided "Well.. I was out getting clothes for the shower, and then the phone rang and I saw that it was you, so I couldn't not answer... I wanted to check to see if you were okay" "Even though you were pissed off at me?" "Yes" "Weird.." "It's called love dear" "Well it's new to me.." "I know."
After I had calmed down and figured out why I got so upset at him and understood where I had warped things in my head, relief came in a wave and it became a sort of thing you laugh and shake your head at, thinking 'jeez, all that because of that'
Shows he truly loves me, to be concerned and comforting even when he had just gotten pissed at me.
After that it was the sort of time when you've plagued over something for a long time, and then suddenly you ask what to do and why and what, and it all makes sense, so you say "okay.......- okay..." and everything is over.
With the absence of all my fears all at once, I felt an extreme closeness to him. Unlike all others I had been 'with', he had forgiven me without the grudge that I am so used to receiving for my stupid mistakes.
He said I had been acting different since the time he fell a bit apart. When I told him why is when my words were too much, when my misunderstandings caused what lead to me sobbing to him over the phone. Now that I was lifted from what had been making me unhappy, the belief that I would never be able to lift him from the depressed time he had been going through, I could once more laugh and smile and be dorky with him.. Just be as I usually was. As was he.
Today I heard that tomorrow my brother is coming home. I realized, spring break is a long way away.. So I wondered, wait a second, he's not here during spring break? That was one of the reasons I wanted Wess to visit in the summer instead of the spring. I realized.. Maybe he can come. Then I was reminded that I was getting six teeth pulled that week. So I'd be laid up and miserable. With the realization that a stupid appointment was all that was keeping me from meeting Wess, I begged to my mom to reschedule.
She did... And now it's saved for June.
Wess said to me on the phone after I left him a message of how he might be able to come and he later responded that he'd ask his mom about it.. "Looks like I'm coming then"
Jump for joy my darling boy is coming to see me.
Things always seem to make a lot more sense when said aloud. It was so simple, such a simple confusion that had me freaked out. It was said so simply that it was funny. Something I had somehow managed to miss through the typing of hands and text on a screen. His voice tells me what I've overlooked, and to speak allows me to express it all so much more clearly.
I can say 'fuck fuck fuck' all I want there and I can say 'I'm so sorry', but until he hears my voice and hears the emotion behind it, it means so very little.
I didn't even know I was upset enough to cry that much.
Anyway, life has jumped from dark to light.
I feel light with happiness now.
I get to see him.....
I'm going to take a million pictures of us.
And jeezus, I have a buzzcut. Great. But he said it looks awesome or something, and said again today when I expressed my annoyance at cutting my hair when he was coming so soon. "I want to look more like myself when I meet you" "You do look like yourself, you're a freak" that made me laugh.
I said to him.. "wouldn't it be funny if you had really long hair and I had my buzzcut again when we met..." I didn't know that would be true.
He wears the locket I gave him always, never takes it off..
We're such a funky couple.... And that's fun.
We're going to cuddle up every night, we're going to watch movies and be retarded together. I can't wait.
32 days until I see him.... Gosh...
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