Ugh

I suddenly have had an intense wave of fear hit me, a fear of losing Wess.
I just feel sick to the stomach.

I left him yet another message on his phone, and I admit I felt I would soon cry or something, because I could hear how down my voice sounded. Just knowing that I'm sad makes me feel like crying for some reason. Just because I realize how deep the feeling runs, when it was unapparent until my feelings came out from beneath the surface, through my voice, that which wavers slightly as I speak.
His depressed absence today just adds fuel to the nausea I feel.
He's not here to tell me otherwise, so I have a lot of time to ponder on the possibilities.

Please don't fall for your best friend. God please don't. Ever.
Because I said I would never break your heart, never break mine. Because believe it or not, it would have just as much of an impact on me as it would on you.

I did imply the high possibility of suicide at the loss of him, at some point. Or, no, not at the loss of him... To seeing myself lose him to someone else. That would kill me. To be not good enough, to the one who loves me more than anyone ever has.

He loves me. He says it every day. And I don't always say it first. He's no liar, he's the most dreadfully honest I've met in a while. But "I love you" is without definition. We can only wonder the depth until shown, and I cannot be shown until the length of being with him is about doubled. AKA, I meet him in person in about three months, if nothing gets in the way.
(oh, something always always gets in the way)
*chuckles to self*
If you'd give 'anything' to kiss me, then you sure as hell better not go to Ireland on the same date as we planned to meet.

Anyways, I feel shitty. Night time, always brings some form of gloom when I'm mentally exhausted.
Bye until I feel better.