It feels strange for it to be in my hands...
That what I do, decides our fate.. What I think, how I feel.. Because his feelings are set in stone. He can't remove it however he may wish to and however his mind thinks against it.
----

"You say enjoy it while it lasts but somehow I can't just stare that thought in the face and deal with it
Because I WANT a relationship with you but once we meet it's basically out of my hands and I hate that...
-sighs and shakes his head-
It's unbelieveable that my mind can think all of this and still want to be with you....
If it were anyone else, I'm sure I would've been gone by now...
At first I thought "Well what if I'm clinging too..." but then i realized, no I'm not
Because I've come to realize now that other people WILL care about me that way, and if I broke up with you this minute, it'd hurt for the longest time but I could always move on
I could go find someone else that I don't care about as much and just be happy...
That's not what I want though because they aren't you...they aren't the person who sat by my side the whole time...made me smile through all the worst shit...
Fuck Tanya, I don't care what you're like in person....right here and now I'm saying I don't give a shit
Even if I find something about you that annoys the shit out of me, I will still stay with you until you flick me off your shoulder because I care about you so damn much...
I care about you enough that you could have an annoying, noticeable flaw but I would disregard it no matter how bad and stay...
I don't want it to end, I don't want it to....I'll say it again
I DONT WANT IT TO END"
----

Amazes me, that I'm now in the opposite situation than I've always been in. I think it's part of what I wanted?
"I wish for once fate would be on my side and that I wouldn't love someone who I had to wait for to choose, me, or someone else... I'm sick of waiting for it all to be for or against me, to find I'm yet again second best"

Now I will hope, I'll never have to ask myself "How can you do that knowing how it feels? Break someone's heart?"
I asked someone that once.
How the hell do you break hearts when all you've wanted is for yours to stop breaking..

All in my hands. But how wary is my phrase, that comes to me on gloomy nights, "what can these hands do but harm?"
I'm hoping my hands, my smile, my love, will do some good for once. Not just be another burden and cause of pain for us both.

Gentle hearted but sharp tongued.. Quick to smile but quick to cry. Jumps to mood swings and jumps to conclusions, far far too fast.
----


I am the son
And the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Oh, of nothing in particular
-
When you say it’s gonna happen now
Well, when exactly do you mean ?
See, I’ve already waited too long
And all my hope is gone

Oh ...
Oh ...

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way ?
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does
-How Soon is Now, Smiths
---


I hope you can trust me to not hurt you. I see you and I see a sweet boy whom I love very very much.. And I can't imagine anything changing that. Come here soon, please, so I can say 'I told you so'

I haven't talked to you today. And I already miss you terribly.