Shut Up Shape Up And Stop Whining

Being so negative that it makes me sick.
I'm going to stop that, right now..

I will be fine. He will be fine. It'll be fine. Worse happened, yet it goes fine again in a few days max. He loves me and he will forgive me.. (although a lump in my throat says no to that one).
I'm not an asshole I'm just naive and stubborn..
I'm not I'm not. Even if someone thought I was an asshole I wouldn't be because I know myself better than that. I don't mean any harm ever ever. And how much it hurts me just to upset a friend or loved one shows how deep it runs.
If he can't forgive me to hell with him. Because.. I.. can't change that I'm an idiot in these little ways.. I can't.. I'm not perfect.. I'm far from perfect.. I have so many little flaws and things that are strange about me, off, not right..
Like how no matter what I can't seem to age. I feel just as I have since I was 11.. And it seems, no matter what happens, I can't erase the childish things and mistakes that I made at that age.. They just.. Keep happening.
I'm just.. messed up in a lot of ways. I fear people, crowds, I get jittery and I'm so in need of love that it's strange. I need reassurance that I have a point in this world, I need to be told over and over, like a renewal, a promise that grows dusty until attention comes to it once again. I can't absorb love, I can't understand, I can't get how anyone could stay with me and how anyone could see anything in me.

Did you know I'd lose my legs if I only knew that someone would always be there to help me through each day?

Did you know I've been wishing desperately for someone to be there for me since I was a child? And it doesn't fade..

Did you know I don't speak in fear that my words will be off, awkward, at the wrong time, or taken wrong..?

I'm not reassured that you won't leave me. I'm not.. I don't know why. I feel like someday you'll just be so so sick of it all.. We're all human, why would you stay if you had no reason left to?
I don't know how much you love me. If a lot is so much, even if I knew how much to a sort of measurement, it would be beyond me. Because I don't know what love is.. Not... I know what it is but.. I know how it feels, what it is.. But I don't know how far it goes, what it really means when you say you do. I don't know how much you mean it, I don't have anything to show me but you saying it.. And you know, I feel like it's gone when I hurt you.

My head clears as I know how I feel and why I do.

First off, I hate to hurt anything, anyone, ever. Second, I'm afraid it outweighs the good things I do for you and the happiness I give you. And I'm afraid you'll leave me, at the back of my head.
As the days go by, I also fear I won't speak to you again. I fear we'll be separated, more distanced than we are now.
I'm terribly overwhelmed..
I'm afraid that the last days I can talk to you will be spent this way.. Upsetting you, messing things up, not being able to talk to you all day, and having few conversations. I hate to think that the last days I can talk to you, I can't talk to you.

Sigh.