Morning

Exhausted.. A bit cold. A lonely morning once again. Woke up late today, 5 AM instead of 4 AM. I feel sick already as school's only one hour away...
I have to run again today, my legs are still exceedingly sore from Wednesday, but I'll manage. Didn't take a shower this morning, didn't have time, and figured- I'm just going to be dirty after today (especially) anyway. Sick thoughts go through my head.. He's not leaving...
Endless mocking, hitting, shouting and tears. That's what he gave me. I had hope when he moved hours away, going to school far off.. Now it seems, I'll have to deal with it all once more. Shouting at him to leave me alone, I can remember very well the sting of my wrists as he grabbed them, dragging me as I dug my feet into the carpet, yelling at him to let go, that it hurt. Wrists felt like a rug-burn, friction of his hands and me forcing my weight backwards as he pulled me forward.
He controls me like a father, an abusive husband, cruel demeaning, constantly cutting at my confidence.
This is, I think, why whenever someone tells me to do something, I wish badly to refuse.
His tears mean little to me, as that he refuses any comfort from me, and would never help me on low days. He created my low days.. And every day when I'm reminded, I once again hate him. Hate him for the disrespect, the way he treats me like a little spoiled child, in need of punishment. How he feels, he must punish me. I'm surprised he didn't decide to beat me. His sharp sarcasm, his tone of voice that said, you ignorant little bitch, you have no place in this world and you are useless, you are wrong and you are stupid.. You will never amount to anything, you're a fool and destined to always learn the hard way, those you love use you and those you love mean little.
Maybe that's why when Wess and I first fought, his sarcasm hurt me so much. Words I remember.. That feeling you get.. Sick feeling.

Memories and dull reminders of pain, the hopelessness that now follows his return, that makes my days miserable. My Christmas was sour, and I couldn't tell my family of my newfound love without whispering, because 'it upset Alex'. Just his presence alone upsets me. I've had to deal with it all winter break, and into the very first days of school, which upon I hide my writing and my conversations as he walks by.
He blackmails me with the fact that he can get to anything on the computer, read any of my files, look over any conversation. It stings fear into me.

I'm alone this morning, and without Wess the days run grey. Yesterday, I survived my day knowing that at the end of it he would be there.. But we were unable to speak, as my family got in the way. I nearly cried, because, as I remembered, "this will be the last time we'll be able to speak interrupted, leave me alone..!" I was made to leave early that day. I was right.
I get terribly lonely and hopeless when he's not around, because he's the only one that makes me smile and feel loved.

How I pray for February..... When I will see him, for the very first time.. When I will have him in my arms and he will melt away any fears I have... Distant dreams of my birthday.....