Somber Flavor

Somber somber mood I've got going today. I think it's as I've felt quite a long time before happy days came along.
You just think to yourself, what can I do? I can't do anything. And you feel chained by the things you have to do and feel sick sick sick thinking about it.
I just want to be free...! I want to get a job and I want to learn to live on my own, I want to see Wess and I want to know what love really is. I want to be independent and I want to be an author, I want to help people and I want to draw and play guitar. I want to lay in the grass and actually enjoy my life. Why must I be chained to school and life and so much that I have to fear.
I can't concentrate, I have no willpower, I was an all A student once but that was only because I was so afraid to disappoint anyone, that forgetting or not doing an assignment KILLED me inside with embarrassment and the feeling I was a stupid irresponsible and a slacker.
Maybe if I go off pills I'll feel like throwing up each morning when I don't have my homework done, and then maybe I'll get A's again... I haven't gone insane yet, have I? There were days when I thought the stress would buckle this mind and make me unable to be happy.
I have the chance at freedom! I have the chance to go to college, I have the chance. I just have to get A's, I just have to pass the ACT two years early.. God I want out of it.. Let me go to college, so I can be free and get away from all these people....

I hate how they look at me... Or I hate how they don't? I can't tell. Nah, I just dislike looking at them. I dislike their fashion-bound heads and their gossip, their talk of boyfriends and their talk of drugs and sex.
I hate people like them because... They don't understand....

More.. I wish... Being right.. Or doing what I feel is right, was without so much opposition.

I wish society didn't make them so right....

Them with their silver-sequined shoes and their manicured nails, their ironed hair, their perfect haircuts and their false faces.. I wish they weren't liked for their conforming to what everyone else is doing. I wish their beauty that everyone seems to see but me, at least, their beauty there but is not beautiful... Wasn't.. Embraced.

Ah ah I know why I'm sad, again. I'm forgetting that I am loved, I'm forgetting that people care, for god knows what number of times it is now.

Last time was a month ago, Elizabeth?
It was going pretty bad for me that time. I was really really low. Truly felt my friends didn't care about me and I didn't have friends. Though it is true that they kinda disappear and reappear, and that they're kinda... Not.. There. But I do have a few. I have you Elizabeth, and Mayre who never evaporates even though we never see each other, have no classes, she still manages to track me to my locker and poke me to say we should hang out. And then there's Artemisa, she likes to spend time with me and I can go to her house, her mom likes me, and she's so sheltered and I should bring her places. Annamarie follows through, if only through her yearly party invitations..
--

But nah, I'm not plaguing so much over friends.. As that I never liked having friends so much anyway... Nah, that's not exactly true.. But it makes me nervous, I feel uncomfortable. I like having them but I don't like the requirements and how I have to always have something to say to them.
I'm just getting empty feelings.. Because I have no real.. ... Although I have it, I don't. I don't but I do.
There's one thing I really badly wanted in my life, and it was someone just like me who could be my silent company, who could make me smile and feel better through any hard times in my life.. That could understand my silent words and who could be on the same wavelength, who I wouldn't have to change for, who I wouldn't try to please. That I could just stay silently with for hours just for company, without that strange and awkward silence falling over it all.
I have it. But I forget... That that's what it is. That he's really there, that he's really going to be here, that he's going to stay.
I can't feel him, can't see him, so I can't... grasp him really being there..
I forget that he's mine, forget that he loves me. With the silence comes the memory of when it always was, so it feels like it comes once again.
Guess I'm afraid of it going back to how it once was? Alone, quiet, without that person who will be there for you whom you can rely on.
Yeah, behind it all I'm really afraid to lose him.
Every time it gets quiet like this I remember how it was and get scared.
I guess it's the whole 'what if' getting to me. What if he's gone tomorrow. What if he doesn't come back. What if something happens that changes it all. What if he decides, it's not worth it all..
Am I really worth such a wait?

Makeup.. Why is it, that every time I get depressed, I want to put on makeup and go out and wear strange things and wander the streets..?

What if I wake up from this dream? What if the clock strikes 12 and it'll all be over?