Yesterday

I was playing guitar. My little brother came into my room, I looked up.
"You should come upstairs, Alex is crying and hyperventalating and everything because of his grades and I think we should all give him attention and try to make him feel better, might help.."
Jeezus he was right.

I've never seen a person hyperventilate before.

Sobbing his eyes out, or more, gone into shock and hyperventilating, unable to stop gasping and crying. I don't remember ever seeing him cry.. Maybe once but not this bad.
Course, still being Alex, he refused to let me hold his hand, making it into a fist and pushing my hand away.
Kept on throwing up nothing and he'd gone into a sweat, hyperventilating, sobbing when he would stop, then hyperventalating again.

He was sleeping all day today, and apparently because he was afraid to look. He knew it was bad. When he knew, went into shock, as he's been staying in 'hell' for months, didn't like the school and wasn't doing well.

His ego is a big thing, and knowing he got bad grades in college... not good.
Mom and Dad trying to snap him out of it.. Dad flunked out in college, yet he has a good and very solid job at Boeing, been there more than 25 years. ..

But my question now is.. Does that mean he'll be staying at home?
The answer, if he chooses, is yes....

I can't deal with him being home more than a week or two. He's started countless fights already between me and Carson, claiming I hog the G5 computer too much (we have five computers) and such. I loath having my writings and things strewn all over everywhere on all different computers, so I primarily use one. I had been having a conversation with Weston, it was Christmas, and I wanted to talk to him. But Carson wanted to play a computer that could only work on that computer. I said, I want to talk to my boyfriend on Christmas. They wanted to play games so we argued all the way home, and everyone was against me, bitching at me at once, and I got miserable.

I'm pretty much misearble these days, so he doesn't help that much, besides when he helps me with my math.
School exhausts and stresses me out, and I'm finding my meds don't kill off that nervousness that wracks my mind and body just before school. Feel all queasy and afraid, for no real reason.

He calls my bf an idiot and asks why I love him. Or he mentions to guests how I have an internet boyfriend, therefore automatically giving them the stereotypical image of someone who's fallen for a 40 year old pedophile by chatting.

Mom talks to him sometimes and apparently he said that he wanted me to be with someone who's on my level (aka fairly 'smart'), here and good for me, yet he can't say anything directly to me except 'why do you like that idiot?' and 'you're being really stupid', or 'he's really stupid'.
When I talk about the adventure he's planning on going on, he says 'He's an idiot, I hope he dies'
Thinking of me saying that about his future girlfriend (which he claims, he will never have, doesn't want, and I think I agree..), it's more amazing. I accept that he'll insult everything I do, everyone I love, because that's how he is. But thinking of myself, really puts it in perspective. Amazing that he can be that rude to me. But it's nothing new.

When he's around, I can't speak. Not to my family, can't open my mouth.

(mom's crying now too because she feels bad for putting so much pressure on him)

I have to go, I'm getting very so very paranoid.
And mom asks me what I'm doing, and says to 'do something' instead of sitting around with my music. Sigh. Why do I have to?

Nah, I'm not leaving yet.
I can't think straight.....
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