So hungry that I feel sick.
I slept through dinner, and now I wake again at 5 Am with an empty stomach, no lunch, no dinner, empty. Sick.
Was going to make myself a waaay past midnight dinner but found that there are no noodles in the cabinet. Bah. So I eat a banana and some ritz peanut-butter thingies. Now my stomach is no longer jabbing from the inside.
Today I was on the phone with my fiance, getting annoyed as someone wasn't taking the hint that the line was busy, trying to call over and over. After about half an hour my mom came in, sounding annoyed, saying I had to hang up the phone right now. That it was apparently an emergency, and Robin had been trying to call. Emergency or not, I was very much bothered.
I was more bothered when they didn't need the phone and the emergency wasn't an emergency, but simply stupidity.
The emergency was this- my little brother's best friend was over at his house, which mind you, is ONE house away from his, and his mom didn't know where he was and -assumed- we weren't home because the line was busy! Jesus fucking christ!
I'm growing irritated at the increasing need for the line to be open. It's a five-person family, they shouldn't expect the line to be open all the time. Mom has long blabbers with old friends, I have long blabbers with my fiance whom I miss to death. Normally I would just chat with him but he's in NY, without a computer. And I need to take care of him.
So mom made me hang up on him, and I got upset so I went to sleep ignoring everyone when she said about two minutes later that I could have the phone back. I mean for fuck's sake.. Why the hell did you make me hang up on him?? There's a line two you know, and in my room, it only has line one!
After a half-nap I went into deep sleep, and that was at about 5 PM.
Now, I woke up, at 5 AM.
God-damn.
I'm afraid I missed something, I'm afraid he could maybe not be okay, I'm afraid that he was having thoughts again.
He was alone at central park and he's been really depressed for several days now. I need to be there for him... I needed to be there for him.. God I wish I was.
Fucking house.
That was the last real thing I said to him before hanging up. "I hate this effing house" "Now don't get upset or angsty about it, just text me when I can call back, okay?" "mm......" "It'll be fine, don't worry. I love you baby" "I love you too.. bye..." "bye"
Haven't had the chance to talk to him since.
It's morning over there, 8 AM... So I'm going to call him now to make up for it.
I'm so sorry I fell asleep Wess..
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
October 13th
Using lipstick to cross off the days until I see him again. Kind of ironic.
Near-crying again. Well, cried a bit and then stopped. Too stressed to cry.
Do you really think I care -what- Daniel is like?? I know she's a mess and I don't like her, that's all there is too it. I know she's someone I never want to be. I don't want you to explain her fucking disorder to me and make up excuses for why she's a druggie and why she's a near-whore.
I'm writing this here in hopes you will stay out of my life, as I want all of my family to.
As I say.. Friends, read my personal thoughts if you want, but I never, ever, want a word out of you.
I'm emotional again. Carson has three fucking friends over and Dad fucked up the TV. My favorite show cut out in the middle because he was too lazy to use tapes, even though he keeps a supply of more than 5,000 sheets of paper that he never bothers to use. I hate this house. It's just a.. a... the very symbol of waste. Waste and too many possessions.
Now I am crying. God, I still need to work on it.. ........ .But.... ......... Is it a sin to realize that he reads these still? And can I really stop him from that? I don't look anymore.. I don't check. But I know that he looks.
My head hurts so I start crying and then stop and just hurt. Sweating a lot and head is full of shit.
I need a sanctuary. My room is hardly one. I can't avoid my social anxiety when I have the most social brother on earth. Three friends at once today!!! Why the fuck.
What bullocks!
Near-crying again. Well, cried a bit and then stopped. Too stressed to cry.
Do you really think I care -what- Daniel is like?? I know she's a mess and I don't like her, that's all there is too it. I know she's someone I never want to be. I don't want you to explain her fucking disorder to me and make up excuses for why she's a druggie and why she's a near-whore.
I'm writing this here in hopes you will stay out of my life, as I want all of my family to.
As I say.. Friends, read my personal thoughts if you want, but I never, ever, want a word out of you.
I'm emotional again. Carson has three fucking friends over and Dad fucked up the TV. My favorite show cut out in the middle because he was too lazy to use tapes, even though he keeps a supply of more than 5,000 sheets of paper that he never bothers to use. I hate this house. It's just a.. a... the very symbol of waste. Waste and too many possessions.
Now I am crying. God, I still need to work on it.. ........ .But.... ......... Is it a sin to realize that he reads these still? And can I really stop him from that? I don't look anymore.. I don't check. But I know that he looks.
My head hurts so I start crying and then stop and just hurt. Sweating a lot and head is full of shit.
I need a sanctuary. My room is hardly one. I can't avoid my social anxiety when I have the most social brother on earth. Three friends at once today!!! Why the fuck.
What bullocks!
10th
Jealousies
October 10th.
Why is she so attached to him..?
I know best friends are close, but he's been gone anyway. What do they really do besides text? She needs him that much?
Was that crush really just an emotional day's result?
Crying on the phone when he's going to be gone for a few weeks..
It's not like she won't be seeing him soon anyway.
This makes me feel sick to the stomach.
Kind of a 'I need him, not you!' and a feeling of fear and not wanting him taken away from me.
I need him.. stop needing him too. Please go away and be happy with someone else.. Because he's not yours, he's mine.. Please, please stop needing him.
I felt better for a second. But now I feel icky again. I really did feel better though, so it's so ironic. Please don't make me feel bad, I know it's natural for your best friend to want to say goodbye on the phone.. But...... How can I not believe she feels something for you? And how can that not make me afraid?
I know you're not leaving, I just want her to go away. Or at least have the ability to leave you alone for a week.
My eyes are tired. I'm tired. I feel like the longer I'm away the more these things bother me. The more I feel like my time with him is being taken away by his other gal-friends. The more I need him.
"I'm all she's got to confide in"
How hard it is for him and her to separate just makes me feel more sick. Like they -need- each other.
How in all this time can she have not found anyone else to talk to?
I'm falling apart in so many ways.. Why must you take him from me?
You may act more messed up but in ways I believe I'm hurting a lot more than you. I need him a lot more than you do.
They were the only ones I could confide in, and with that I fell in love with them. Is that why I feel so worried?
I couldn't go without them for long... Please don't say you're the same.
I want him to be mine... I don't want to share him.. Yet I constantly am...
Endless thoughts it seems, these days are taking me in and leaving me without much spirit.
You guys talk that much..? I feel like you could be telling her more and confiding in her more than you do me.. I'm jealous, obviously. I don't want there to be anyone else..
....I just refrained from calling them lovebirds. "I'm not keeping you.... two from seeing each other"
I'd rather not poke at sarcasm at this point, because I don't want to fight more, and I don't have a good reason to.
Aye... now we're going to have to argue about it, huh...
October 10th.
Why is she so attached to him..?
I know best friends are close, but he's been gone anyway. What do they really do besides text? She needs him that much?
Was that crush really just an emotional day's result?
Crying on the phone when he's going to be gone for a few weeks..
It's not like she won't be seeing him soon anyway.
This makes me feel sick to the stomach.
Kind of a 'I need him, not you!' and a feeling of fear and not wanting him taken away from me.
I need him.. stop needing him too. Please go away and be happy with someone else.. Because he's not yours, he's mine.. Please, please stop needing him.
I felt better for a second. But now I feel icky again. I really did feel better though, so it's so ironic. Please don't make me feel bad, I know it's natural for your best friend to want to say goodbye on the phone.. But...... How can I not believe she feels something for you? And how can that not make me afraid?
I know you're not leaving, I just want her to go away. Or at least have the ability to leave you alone for a week.
My eyes are tired. I'm tired. I feel like the longer I'm away the more these things bother me. The more I feel like my time with him is being taken away by his other gal-friends. The more I need him.
"I'm all she's got to confide in"
How hard it is for him and her to separate just makes me feel more sick. Like they -need- each other.
How in all this time can she have not found anyone else to talk to?
I'm falling apart in so many ways.. Why must you take him from me?
You may act more messed up but in ways I believe I'm hurting a lot more than you. I need him a lot more than you do.
They were the only ones I could confide in, and with that I fell in love with them. Is that why I feel so worried?
I couldn't go without them for long... Please don't say you're the same.
I want him to be mine... I don't want to share him.. Yet I constantly am...
Endless thoughts it seems, these days are taking me in and leaving me without much spirit.
You guys talk that much..? I feel like you could be telling her more and confiding in her more than you do me.. I'm jealous, obviously. I don't want there to be anyone else..
....I just refrained from calling them lovebirds. "I'm not keeping you.... two from seeing each other"
I'd rather not poke at sarcasm at this point, because I don't want to fight more, and I don't have a good reason to.
Aye... now we're going to have to argue about it, huh...
Pure lyrics, Lightning Seeds
night time slows, raindrops splash rainbows
perhaps someone you know, could sparkle and shine
as daydreams slide to color from shadow
picture the moonglow, that dazzles my eyes
and I love you
just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple every time
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple every time
dreams of sights, of sleigh rides in seasons
where feelings not reasons, can make you decide
as leaves pour down, splash autumn on gardens
as colder nights harden, their moonlit delights
and I love you
just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple every time
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple every time
look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple every time
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
i'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you
if love's the truth then look no lies
and let me swim around your eyes
I've found a place I'll never leave
shut my mouth and just believe
love is the truth I realize
not a stream of pretty lies
to use us up and waste our time
lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple everytime
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime
look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple everytime
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
I'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you
pure and simple just for you
perhaps someone you know, could sparkle and shine
as daydreams slide to color from shadow
picture the moonglow, that dazzles my eyes
and I love you
just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple every time
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple every time
dreams of sights, of sleigh rides in seasons
where feelings not reasons, can make you decide
as leaves pour down, splash autumn on gardens
as colder nights harden, their moonlit delights
and I love you
just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple every time
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple every time
look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple every time
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
i'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you
if love's the truth then look no lies
and let me swim around your eyes
I've found a place I'll never leave
shut my mouth and just believe
love is the truth I realize
not a stream of pretty lies
to use us up and waste our time
lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple everytime
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime
look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple everytime
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
I'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you
pure and simple just for you
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