New Self, negative?

I've been finding myself in a bit of a bind in my life. Oh I'm actually more tired than I thought, so this'll be a bunch of nonsense.
Throughout life there are always tense moments and frustration. There's a lot of sadness and confusion, despair, sometimes unnecessary overall. But I feel an onset of a new type of feeling that almost bothers me more. A constant feeling of unfulfillable, that is extremely disappointing and disheartening. And a growing anxiety for every moment of life. Maybe now that I don't have finding love everlasting to keep myself occupied, I am thinking about the voids in my life that are expected of me or needed to make me feel happy. And the more I think about them the more I panic about life.
Overwhelming. There isn't enough time, there isn't enough time. Constantly in my head. They say to treasure every moment. I feel immense guilt for when I don't. And then I wonder, why? There isn't a huge goal to life. It's mostly just surviving for yourself. Yet I feel immense guilt every moment I don't work towards one of my goals. Even if it doesn't really matter if I do it immediately. Life moves fast. Right now I work from home, so I'm terrified of when real-real life hits and I won't even have time to breathe. I don't know how I won't go crazy so in these days I'm desperate to do the things that need to be done and fast so I can enjoy it. But there's always something left to do, so I can't enjoy it at all. I keep thinking, summer, is my only opportunity. My only chance to get these things done. And then I don't do anything. Mostly petrified by anxiety.
Too afraid to fail before I try.

I feel like a kid clinging to their summer break, except instead of just being summer break, it's my life.
It keeps me from sleeping. Every hour I sleep is an hour of consciousness wasted.

I'm scared because the energy is never positive. It's belittling, self-mutilating. And it's turning me into a bitter person.

I worry about my marriage, and myself. I worry because the divine happiness is melting away into my extreme obsessiveness.
I wash my hands often, and can't stop thinking about my hands being dirty every time I touch the dishes or the rats or something dusty. I can't kiss my husband because I freak out about his breath or his lips being too wet or my face being greasy.
When my heart would beat normally, when I would see through different eyes, it was the biggest privilege and a magical experience.
But now, I'm twitching in my restlessness of things needing to be done. And everything being imperfect in situation to allow for a kiss.

I worry about my clothes being dirty and feel like I need to shower if I perspire at all.
I think it connects to my anxiety and worrying if I smell in public. If I do, doooom. Mental panic. So I never do.

My guilt and obsession with time causes me to be mean and grumpy. I'm so prone to criticism it frightens me. I am really jumpy and whine a lot around my husband. I don't like this and wish I could be better. My mom catches me a lot of criticism, and it embarrasses me. But I don't know if she's just over aware or if I'm being weird.
Today, I said, "We're not going to the survey, because Wess is lazy"
I tend to say negative things like this a lot. But I feel I say it because it's the honest thing. But maybe it's bad that I actually view it in that way. He felt lazy and didn't want to call on the phone, so we missed the deadline. Yet I say the short term, more demeaning.

My conversational anxiety is diminishing, my whole family has noticed. Yet my situational anxiety has increased tenfold. I don't know how to laugh any more, how to relax, or how to have fun in public..... I used to a little. I don't have fun, it is beyond me. If I have fun, I feel guilt for the time used. Because lately I don't get much done and do a lot of lazing around.
Playing a whole video game from start to finish used to be a total joy, but now it feels like it pains me. That many hours..

I hate that.

Can anyone help me?

A Gap of Silence

I note that there is now a huge gap of silence of about two years. This is really sad to me because it means I've neglected my writing for that long. How could I? Even with so much work I would think my desire for it would be strong enouh. Bu I suppose that place drained me of inspiration. Hey fuck typos I'll fix them later. This teeny keyboard sucks. My heart is a void without my writing. How could I let the voices convince me that my writing was too unpolished, virtually worthless, and too selfcentered to ever inspire? Why have I let myself give a shit about it? I love my life through my eyes and my eyes only. No one else would ever do I quite like I could. My breath, my eyes, my memory (this is a plagarized reference, it fit too well). I miss you soul. I miss you voice. Speak again hands, sing again my mind. Killed. I miss no one mattering but my heart. You've stolen these things from me, eyes. I fought through you once, cruel judgement. So can I fight pastbyour typical standards for my voice as I fought through your fucking typical expectations of my marriage? I will not fall like your expectation. I will not fail just because you would never have my soul and heart to succeed. That is why, I can be the only one to speak for me.

But after I cry inside a little about it, I will try to forget, until she can forgive. Or forget until it stops hurting. And accept when she decides she never will. And then mourn the loss over that friend I had that was so kind and wonderful, who somehow changed. Or try not to mourn at all, in hopes that she will come back.
All my life I didn't have anyone else who cared about my life.
How could she? Why would she decide that I am bad for her life?

So from now on, until I have to mourn something else, I will try to move back to the immense happiness I have been given and fate has lead me to this month. A chance to make more of my dreams come true. Please don't let my friend's cruelty ruin that for me. I feel like it could if I was reminded each day.

So I will stop thinking about it until I have to. I won't ever forget but I must leave her to decide on her own. But I wanted to say one more thing... Maybe before the end, before a longer time goes by, I will. And after that I must let go.

So help me enjoy what fate has given me despite what fate has taken away.

Ending

I dislike how when happy things happen there are always sad things to ruin the fun. For instance..

The brand new pirate flag I bought him yesterday suddenly has a black stain on the skull. That won't wash out. Don't know where it came from. That was a surprise gift for Wess.
And then a collectible pin you can only get working at Disneyland fell off my purse. I can't find it.

And of course... my former best friend just cussed out my husband online. And made it clear that she never, ever, will care about me again. Over one argument! I have been friends with her for 8 years. I don't know what kind of monster she has become. She expected me to argue with her for 4 days on my vacation. And ended the friendship when I refused to answer her message until the next day, because I was having a fight.
Selfish.
He has the right to call you self-absorbed when you have been.

I was giving more attention to my love than my best friend. That is a reason to throw me out of your life forever.
I can't know what it could be. I'm just not the right kind of perfect for her. She has high standards now... Who does that?

You may have given me an explanation for leaving. But that doesn't make it better. Especially since that reason makes no sense.

And that day..
Weston was only trying to tell you the simple fact that I moved safely. He didn't realize your heart had turned so cold to me that you would never want to hear my name again. Because most people would not. Unless I had done something a lot more horrible than questioning your friendship or what you tell me, and losing my patience. I even apologized, as angry as I was. I will not apologize again, for anything else you seem to think I have done. Because one apology is enough. If you were ever my friend, you owe me an apology for hurting me so badly. By never speaking to me again. I would never do that to you, because I care enough about you to want to be your friend still despite how you have treated me. Not badly but not well. But like a "brick wall". Calling you a brick wall is abusive. It's a name, a label. I don't know what complex you have. I don't know how you became this way. I wish I could help or at least stay, but you have pushed me away.

You could have decided to slowly let go of me. Distance away. And when I emailed, just someday never respond. If you really just didn't want to be my friend anymore to begin with. If you hated my distance, my shyness. But why do it that way?

I don't know who she is anymore. She was probably the one who asked how I can orbit my whole life around one person and think it's ok. Or for all I know the one who ripped my letters off of my lockers, or created a page to harass me and tell me how stupid I looked and how no one likes me and I am alone. I don't know who she is anymore. I don't want to think she has turned into that, but what proof has been shown otherwise? Am I the one who was just too demanding for her personality?

You probably broke your birthday/xmas gift in half. The one I made specially for you. Your name. and rose. And golden girl. And the frame custom made for it. How could you think I am a terrible person? Even if you have become one I would never completely feel you are. But I don't know what to feel about this. Were you planning to do this all along? Asking me to not send a gift.
You hurt me like a bad ex. Because you were more than a temporary boyfriend or short love. You were and are still hanging onto my best friend title. Because I don't have anyone else who wants to be that close of a friend with me. Because I never sent the emails to them that I sent you. Or told them the secrets I told you.

I don't know how I'm going to get over this. Some people don't really understand. She sure doesn't. It was so easy for her to throw me away. Wasn't that how you felt about the s-girl? The one who left your seemingly perfect friendship? It hurt so bad for you but it was so easy for her. So you are the same.
And instead of throwing me away for a good reason, you threw me away for the reason she threw you away. You can never be pleased. Nothing is ever enough. Nothing is ever said right enough to fix anything.
But I would have stayed despite that. Until you felt better. Until your sickness you talk about went away.

So I don't know what to do. I don't want to ever forgive her for what she did. But I wish she would snap out of it, wake up, and realize who I am and understand. And how much I care about her, despite not being the perfect friend. I wish she would just turn back into the person I knew maybe 2 years ago...
The person I could come to about anything, and tell about my problems. The person who would not snap at the smallest word.

I wish she would wake up 3 months from now, and feel better from all that plagues her life, and realize what she did to her best friend. And despite having her reasons, why it was wrong. And forgive me. And apologize...

But I know she never will.