I've been finding myself in a bit of a bind in my life. Oh I'm actually more tired than I thought, so this'll be a bunch of nonsense.
Throughout life there are always tense moments and frustration. There's a lot of sadness and confusion, despair, sometimes unnecessary overall. But I feel an onset of a new type of feeling that almost bothers me more. A constant feeling of unfulfillable, that is extremely disappointing and disheartening. And a growing anxiety for every moment of life. Maybe now that I don't have finding love everlasting to keep myself occupied, I am thinking about the voids in my life that are expected of me or needed to make me feel happy. And the more I think about them the more I panic about life.
Overwhelming. There isn't enough time, there isn't enough time. Constantly in my head. They say to treasure every moment. I feel immense guilt for when I don't. And then I wonder, why? There isn't a huge goal to life. It's mostly just surviving for yourself. Yet I feel immense guilt every moment I don't work towards one of my goals. Even if it doesn't really matter if I do it immediately. Life moves fast. Right now I work from home, so I'm terrified of when real-real life hits and I won't even have time to breathe. I don't know how I won't go crazy so in these days I'm desperate to do the things that need to be done and fast so I can enjoy it. But there's always something left to do, so I can't enjoy it at all. I keep thinking, summer, is my only opportunity. My only chance to get these things done. And then I don't do anything. Mostly petrified by anxiety.
Too afraid to fail before I try.
I feel like a kid clinging to their summer break, except instead of just being summer break, it's my life.
It keeps me from sleeping. Every hour I sleep is an hour of consciousness wasted.
I'm scared because the energy is never positive. It's belittling, self-mutilating. And it's turning me into a bitter person.
I worry about my marriage, and myself. I worry because the divine happiness is melting away into my extreme obsessiveness.
I wash my hands often, and can't stop thinking about my hands being dirty every time I touch the dishes or the rats or something dusty. I can't kiss my husband because I freak out about his breath or his lips being too wet or my face being greasy.
When my heart would beat normally, when I would see through different eyes, it was the biggest privilege and a magical experience.
But now, I'm twitching in my restlessness of things needing to be done. And everything being imperfect in situation to allow for a kiss.
I worry about my clothes being dirty and feel like I need to shower if I perspire at all.
I think it connects to my anxiety and worrying if I smell in public. If I do, doooom. Mental panic. So I never do.
My guilt and obsession with time causes me to be mean and grumpy. I'm so prone to criticism it frightens me. I am really jumpy and whine a lot around my husband. I don't like this and wish I could be better. My mom catches me a lot of criticism, and it embarrasses me. But I don't know if she's just over aware or if I'm being weird.
Today, I said, "We're not going to the survey, because Wess is lazy"
I tend to say negative things like this a lot. But I feel I say it because it's the honest thing. But maybe it's bad that I actually view it in that way. He felt lazy and didn't want to call on the phone, so we missed the deadline. Yet I say the short term, more demeaning.
My conversational anxiety is diminishing, my whole family has noticed. Yet my situational anxiety has increased tenfold. I don't know how to laugh any more, how to relax, or how to have fun in public..... I used to a little. I don't have fun, it is beyond me. If I have fun, I feel guilt for the time used. Because lately I don't get much done and do a lot of lazing around.
Playing a whole video game from start to finish used to be a total joy, but now it feels like it pains me. That many hours..
I hate that.
Can anyone help me?
