I now have a larger tendency to post on our blog instead of my own. But I guess it's just because lately I just feel like talking to him, or my thoughts deal with him. I haven't really had many other deep thoughts on anything. I'm really tired.
again, adorkably-yours.blogspot.com
Gah I just want to lay down and sleep.. I wonder why I'm so tired today..
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Packrat
My dad's silly....
He says in frustration 'there's no place to put anything in this house! There's just so much crap!' .... The thing he forgets is, all the crap is his.
I mean, seriously.. I found a broken paper-cutter up here that he never got rid of, and a huge stack of really, really, really ugly paper for the printer. I mean seriously, when are we going to print something on dirty brown or neon pink paper?
He claimed that we 'could' use it so we shouldn't get rid of it. Christ. If we need paper, we can buy some. We don't need to stash ugly paper up here with the rest of our overloaded upstairs.
Yet he had SUCH a hard time getting rid of them. He said "why are these down here" and I said nothing.
Now he sighs quite audibly as he tries to clean up his mess.
I asked him to get rid of some of it but whatever shitty completely useless thing I claim needs to go he says we'll keep because we could use it 'sometime'. God.
I hope he goes nuts and just throws it all out.
We've saved every computer game box, every manual, every CD case, every CD spiral, every keyboard, every guidebook every wire and every monitor to ever enter this home. Every sheet of useless paper, every guide every tutorial, even for things we don't use anymore.
I wish I could take it all and sneak it in the garbage. Because I swear to you, he wouldn't notice. The only reason he would.. would be when he realized the house was so much cleaner.
He says in frustration 'there's no place to put anything in this house! There's just so much crap!' .... The thing he forgets is, all the crap is his.
I mean, seriously.. I found a broken paper-cutter up here that he never got rid of, and a huge stack of really, really, really ugly paper for the printer. I mean seriously, when are we going to print something on dirty brown or neon pink paper?
He claimed that we 'could' use it so we shouldn't get rid of it. Christ. If we need paper, we can buy some. We don't need to stash ugly paper up here with the rest of our overloaded upstairs.
Yet he had SUCH a hard time getting rid of them. He said "why are these down here" and I said nothing.
Now he sighs quite audibly as he tries to clean up his mess.
I asked him to get rid of some of it but whatever shitty completely useless thing I claim needs to go he says we'll keep because we could use it 'sometime'. God.
I hope he goes nuts and just throws it all out.
We've saved every computer game box, every manual, every CD case, every CD spiral, every keyboard, every guidebook every wire and every monitor to ever enter this home. Every sheet of useless paper, every guide every tutorial, even for things we don't use anymore.
I wish I could take it all and sneak it in the garbage. Because I swear to you, he wouldn't notice. The only reason he would.. would be when he realized the house was so much cleaner.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Of Two Lovers
Wess and I are going to have a blog together.
God knows what we'll use it for, but we want to.
I'll link you to it when I create it.
God knows what we'll use it for, but we want to.
I'll link you to it when I create it.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Fear
My heart went to my throat as I realized what had happened.
'I upset him.. somehow.. how..... was it what I read? was it me.. what was it....'
silent panic
I hung up the phone and went upstairs, fear and guilt choking me.
My eyes stared at his away message. 'I made it worse, much much worse.... no.... Wess........'
I looked to myspace, in hopes of some sign, anything.. To say something...
"I need your shoulder tonight"
Just as I was on the phone with him...
My eyes scan for anything more to tell me...
With the bulletin, fear jolted through my veins.
"Snapped"
"he runs out his front door
heading to who knows where
tonight"
My heart hammers in panic. 'Wess.. no.. please.. please please.. don't go..' Fear consumes me and no calm can be achieved with any stupid thoughts of 'he'll be okay'. "no he won't he won't oh god he won't" whispers my head..
To Malila's company I stumble.
"My life sucks more than yours!"
I say this in reference to our conversation that day, how Artemisa and Malila was debating whose life sucked more.
She said to me this:
Malila: Now, Do exactly what I say in the astricks, and scream at the top of your lungs what I type in caps. OK? You ready for this!?
Me: I guess so, I'm home alone, so sure
Malila: *flap arms like chicken and dance* HOW FUNKY IS YOUR CHICKEN!?
Me: *does it and cracks up*
Malila: *dance again* HOW FUNKY IS YOUR CHICKEN!?
Me: not at the top of my lungs but close XD, oh god
Malila: *dance the kabooteh dance* HOW BIG IS YOUR KABOOTEH!?
Me: haha, at least I got a laugh out of that, thank you XDD
At the diversity assembly today, at the end, a large group of people showed us singing from South Africa, and then... They did something else African, in English... And that is what they said. "HOW FUNKY IS YOUR CHICKEN!?" and dancing. It cracked me up for Malila to say that, and I did it which was even funnier.
Though I was in a mad panic, I was glad to smile.
I told her the issue. "Well that's not good"
I told her I was scared scared scared and I didn't know what was wrong and was just so scared..
I said to her.. "to hell with it, I'm calling his home number.. it's 1 AM over there.. *sigh* I hate to disturb his fam"
Malila: well if its an emergency..
Me: I don't know if it is, I don't know if he's just taking a walk or breaking down a whole lot.. Ack ack ack I'll just call.
Thank god, he answered.. I was so relieved but also still so afraid...
"Why are you afraid?"
"What do you mean why am I afraid? You're hurting and I don't know why and it's 1 AM and you're saying you're running off into the night and I don't know what to do!!"
We talk longer.. At first he sounds very peeved at me for being in his face, but I talk to him longer.. And he spills why he's so upset.. And with that I understand, and my voice softens with realization... He's afraid.
Afraid, so very afraid.. Afraid to lose his heart. Because if he does, he feels he'll never love again, and that it'll kill him. He loves me so much that he couldn't love anyone else, he believes. Not even if I left..
He said to me softly, "I want to so badly..", that he wanted to put his trust in me and open his heart to me completely.. But he's afraid.. I told him I understood, and I do. It's the biggest risk and it's so scary.. I whispered to him reassuring words that I truly meant, whispering that I loved him too much and I'd never even thought of leaving him, even when things were really bad. "I love you too much.. when we're fighting or upset, I just want to hug you and say I'm sorry so it can be over with and we can be smiling together again.."
I love him so much.... I want him to trust me.. It's hard for him. He's so afraid that he'll do something again and I won't forgive him, and he'll lose me..
He won't.. He won't.
He loves me too much. I love him too much. I won't abandon him. I won't let it be too much weight and I won't let fears take over, I won't let fights and misunderstandings make me forget how much he loves me..
My poor Wess... He's just afraid....
'I upset him.. somehow.. how..... was it what I read? was it me.. what was it....'
silent panic
I hung up the phone and went upstairs, fear and guilt choking me.
My eyes stared at his away message. 'I made it worse, much much worse.... no.... Wess........'
I looked to myspace, in hopes of some sign, anything.. To say something...
"I need your shoulder tonight"
Just as I was on the phone with him...
My eyes scan for anything more to tell me...
With the bulletin, fear jolted through my veins.
"Snapped"
"he runs out his front door
heading to who knows where
tonight"
My heart hammers in panic. 'Wess.. no.. please.. please please.. don't go..' Fear consumes me and no calm can be achieved with any stupid thoughts of 'he'll be okay'. "no he won't he won't oh god he won't" whispers my head..
To Malila's company I stumble.
"My life sucks more than yours!"
I say this in reference to our conversation that day, how Artemisa and Malila was debating whose life sucked more.
She said to me this:
Malila: Now, Do exactly what I say in the astricks, and scream at the top of your lungs what I type in caps. OK? You ready for this!?
Me: I guess so, I'm home alone, so sure
Malila: *flap arms like chicken and dance* HOW FUNKY IS YOUR CHICKEN!?
Me: *does it and cracks up*
Malila: *dance again* HOW FUNKY IS YOUR CHICKEN!?
Me: not at the top of my lungs but close XD, oh god
Malila: *dance the kabooteh dance* HOW BIG IS YOUR KABOOTEH!?
Me: haha, at least I got a laugh out of that, thank you XDD
At the diversity assembly today, at the end, a large group of people showed us singing from South Africa, and then... They did something else African, in English... And that is what they said. "HOW FUNKY IS YOUR CHICKEN!?" and dancing. It cracked me up for Malila to say that, and I did it which was even funnier.
Though I was in a mad panic, I was glad to smile.
I told her the issue. "Well that's not good"
I told her I was scared scared scared and I didn't know what was wrong and was just so scared..
I said to her.. "to hell with it, I'm calling his home number.. it's 1 AM over there.. *sigh* I hate to disturb his fam"
Malila: well if its an emergency..
Me: I don't know if it is, I don't know if he's just taking a walk or breaking down a whole lot.. Ack ack ack I'll just call.
Thank god, he answered.. I was so relieved but also still so afraid...
"Why are you afraid?"
"What do you mean why am I afraid? You're hurting and I don't know why and it's 1 AM and you're saying you're running off into the night and I don't know what to do!!"
We talk longer.. At first he sounds very peeved at me for being in his face, but I talk to him longer.. And he spills why he's so upset.. And with that I understand, and my voice softens with realization... He's afraid.
Afraid, so very afraid.. Afraid to lose his heart. Because if he does, he feels he'll never love again, and that it'll kill him. He loves me so much that he couldn't love anyone else, he believes. Not even if I left..
He said to me softly, "I want to so badly..", that he wanted to put his trust in me and open his heart to me completely.. But he's afraid.. I told him I understood, and I do. It's the biggest risk and it's so scary.. I whispered to him reassuring words that I truly meant, whispering that I loved him too much and I'd never even thought of leaving him, even when things were really bad. "I love you too much.. when we're fighting or upset, I just want to hug you and say I'm sorry so it can be over with and we can be smiling together again.."
I love him so much.... I want him to trust me.. It's hard for him. He's so afraid that he'll do something again and I won't forgive him, and he'll lose me..
He won't.. He won't.
He loves me too much. I love him too much. I won't abandon him. I won't let it be too much weight and I won't let fears take over, I won't let fights and misunderstandings make me forget how much he loves me..
My poor Wess... He's just afraid....
Friday, March 24, 2006
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Storm's Over
Every happy day ends sad.. But every sad day ends happy.
It holds true.
It really hurt me that I upset him as much as I did, it hurt me more to know I hurt him then it did to know he wasn't coming.
I don't know who's messing up. Me or him. I think we both are when we do this. I'll mess up and I'll deserve the hurt I feel with stinging words from him being hurt, but after that he sees and is sorry for what he said as well.
It was much like that other night on the phone when I was crying my eyes out. I hurt him bad that day, even though it was so small. At that time I called him and he picked up, and listened to me crying on the other side for a good ten minutes before he got ahold of me and explained that I was forgiven and that it was okay.
This time I cried on my own, and his bluntness stung with my questions desperate for anything to comfort. "you've lost your privileges for sugar-coating"
I couldn't stand to blame anyone but him for it not working, and he was sick of being blamed. I threw out demanding questions of why he quit his job and how he could do this when we were so close to being together, and why it matters to stay in a hotel, etc.
He forgave me though, when we both cooled down. I said I still felt like shit even though he forgave me, so he asked if I wanted to call so we could talk before he went to bed. We did.
It always surprises me how he laughs and sounds the same even when I do bad shit and say things I shouldn't out of emotion.
Behind it all, however I upset him, he really hates to hurt me. I know because me crying seems to strangely melt any hostile-ness in his voice. No matter how mad he acts, he suddenly loses all will to argue. He does care.. Sometimes he forgets the feeling behind it and forgets what it feels like.. But he always eventually knows.
I was a bit sullen, still buzzing with thoughts on the phone, but eventually we were both laughing and smiling. As the night went on our words softened as did our voices, and suddenly I felt a lot more shy then I'm used to being. Especially when he said how beautiful I was. I laughed quietly. He asked why I sounded so shy and nervous, and I just chuckled and said "I'm just.. not used to hearing these things..." he replied, voice still soft, "I don't see why", which made me smile. By that I remember I think he meant, 'I don't see why you don't hear it more and why you're not used to hearing it, because it surprises me that people don't tell you all the time'. If I caught it right that is. But I think I did.
I got very shy..
Just how soft his voice was and how he'd ask things made me blush a bit.
I wanted to talk longer, but it was 1 Am and my mom caught me. She caught me very much by surprise, so I was relieved I didn't say anything weird. I had my eyes closed without realizing it, as I listened, only breaking our silences with a small giggle. She had earlier seen me on the phone, but she was up to tell me to go to bed. I quickly and quietly told him I had to go to bed.
The mood of blush shyness and calm still hasn't rubbed off, so I want to call him again today..
It holds true.
It really hurt me that I upset him as much as I did, it hurt me more to know I hurt him then it did to know he wasn't coming.
I don't know who's messing up. Me or him. I think we both are when we do this. I'll mess up and I'll deserve the hurt I feel with stinging words from him being hurt, but after that he sees and is sorry for what he said as well.
It was much like that other night on the phone when I was crying my eyes out. I hurt him bad that day, even though it was so small. At that time I called him and he picked up, and listened to me crying on the other side for a good ten minutes before he got ahold of me and explained that I was forgiven and that it was okay.
This time I cried on my own, and his bluntness stung with my questions desperate for anything to comfort. "you've lost your privileges for sugar-coating"
I couldn't stand to blame anyone but him for it not working, and he was sick of being blamed. I threw out demanding questions of why he quit his job and how he could do this when we were so close to being together, and why it matters to stay in a hotel, etc.
He forgave me though, when we both cooled down. I said I still felt like shit even though he forgave me, so he asked if I wanted to call so we could talk before he went to bed. We did.
It always surprises me how he laughs and sounds the same even when I do bad shit and say things I shouldn't out of emotion.
Behind it all, however I upset him, he really hates to hurt me. I know because me crying seems to strangely melt any hostile-ness in his voice. No matter how mad he acts, he suddenly loses all will to argue. He does care.. Sometimes he forgets the feeling behind it and forgets what it feels like.. But he always eventually knows.
I was a bit sullen, still buzzing with thoughts on the phone, but eventually we were both laughing and smiling. As the night went on our words softened as did our voices, and suddenly I felt a lot more shy then I'm used to being. Especially when he said how beautiful I was. I laughed quietly. He asked why I sounded so shy and nervous, and I just chuckled and said "I'm just.. not used to hearing these things..." he replied, voice still soft, "I don't see why", which made me smile. By that I remember I think he meant, 'I don't see why you don't hear it more and why you're not used to hearing it, because it surprises me that people don't tell you all the time'. If I caught it right that is. But I think I did.
I got very shy..
Just how soft his voice was and how he'd ask things made me blush a bit.
I wanted to talk longer, but it was 1 Am and my mom caught me. She caught me very much by surprise, so I was relieved I didn't say anything weird. I had my eyes closed without realizing it, as I listened, only breaking our silences with a small giggle. She had earlier seen me on the phone, but she was up to tell me to go to bed. I quickly and quietly told him I had to go to bed.
The mood of blush shyness and calm still hasn't rubbed off, so I want to call him again today..
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
I'm choking on tears and I don't know anymore what to say to him.
Please don't leave me.
No.. no.. please don't leave me to suffer this alone. Please don't.
I know I'm horrible I get it.
I deserve nothing more..
For what I say and do..
nothing more than this suffering
this pain.
Sobbing. The tears are endless. Why do I have to.. Why.. do I.. Have to.. be.. like this..
Please don't leave me.
No.. no.. please don't leave me to suffer this alone. Please don't.
I know I'm horrible I get it.
I deserve nothing more..
For what I say and do..
nothing more than this suffering
this pain.
Sobbing. The tears are endless. Why do I have to.. Why.. do I.. Have to.. be.. like this..
Tanya you...... deserve to...
...Hurt, suffer. You deserve it. Stare at the name, you long to say another word. But you deserve this pain. So you won't. You want so badly to. You won't. You won't. You did..
Face the consequences? An excuse...
But really, you deserve the pain of not a word.
But pain.. Pain.. is.. everything.. whether it's silence or words.. Maybe tantalization is pain but facing it is as well.. So pain either way....
Please.. don't.. hurt me any more.......
Though I deserve the pain...... Please.. don't.. hurt me... any more..
I'll lie dormant and except every blow...
But please.. don't.. hurt me any more...
Oh everything I write, even here.. It makes it worse. God I can't.. I can't I can't I can't.. Do anything right..
Face the consequences? An excuse...
But really, you deserve the pain of not a word.
But pain.. Pain.. is.. everything.. whether it's silence or words.. Maybe tantalization is pain but facing it is as well.. So pain either way....
Please.. don't.. hurt me any more.......
Though I deserve the pain...... Please.. don't.. hurt me... any more..
I'll lie dormant and except every blow...
But please.. don't.. hurt me any more...
Oh everything I write, even here.. It makes it worse. God I can't.. I can't I can't I can't.. Do anything right..
Kill Me
Kill me so I won't have to do it myself.
Kill me before my dreams do.
Kill me before the regrets swallow me alive.
Kill me before I have to do wake up again.
Kill me before life slaps me with more realities.
Kill me so I won't be a coward.
Kill me so I won't take the weak way out.
Kill me so I can't hurt anyone anymore.
Kill me so I will never say another selfish word.
Kill me, suicide is selfish.
Kill me, everything I do is selfish.
Kill me so I won't see another day.
Kill me to make it stop.
Kill me to stop the tears.
Kill me so he can be with someone more deserving.
Kill me so I can just once scream aloud.
Kill me so the weight may be lifted.
Kill me before I say another word.
Kill me before my heart tears my life apart.
Kill me before I want to kill myself.
Kill me so grades won't matter.
Kill me so I won't spew more of this.
Kill me so I won't plague anyone any longer.
Kill me to stop the pain.
Kill me so love doesn't.
Kill me and set me free from this regret..
Kill me so I won't harm.
Please..
Make it stop.
Make me stop.
Make me stop.
Kill me before my dreams do.
Kill me before the regrets swallow me alive.
Kill me before I have to do wake up again.
Kill me before life slaps me with more realities.
Kill me so I won't be a coward.
Kill me so I won't take the weak way out.
Kill me so I can't hurt anyone anymore.
Kill me so I will never say another selfish word.
Kill me, suicide is selfish.
Kill me, everything I do is selfish.
Kill me so I won't see another day.
Kill me to make it stop.
Kill me to stop the tears.
Kill me so he can be with someone more deserving.
Kill me so I can just once scream aloud.
Kill me so the weight may be lifted.
Kill me before I say another word.
Kill me before my heart tears my life apart.
Kill me before I want to kill myself.
Kill me so grades won't matter.
Kill me so I won't spew more of this.
Kill me so I won't plague anyone any longer.
Kill me to stop the pain.
Kill me so love doesn't.
Kill me and set me free from this regret..
Kill me so I won't harm.
Please..
Make it stop.
Make me stop.
Make me stop.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Tape Mania and my Locker
Bah.
Haven't seen Wess all today. Hung out for like three hours waiting for him. Oh well.
A bit less self-concious. Guess I just needed a long bath.
*stretches* Uuugh, homework. And ugh my back. Sore.
I remember when I could lay down in the bathtub. I wish I still could. But then I'd be ridiculously short.. So I wish our bathtub was bigger.. but then it wouldn't fit.. I wish we had a bigger bathroom then.
Sharing a bathroom with four people, I wonder if many people do.
I'd sleep easier if I could talk to Wess. I don't like going a day without him.
He's probably exhausted.. At least he'll sleep good.
I hope all is well.
During lunch, about five minutes before Japanese class was to start, two of the freshman boys in my Japanese class started tearing off the large length of tape globs stuck on the wall. There used to be a sort of mural up there, and for each piece of it was about fifty small pieces of rolled tape. They were randomly taking it down, god knows why. Then someone else joins in. And then whats-her-name joins in. And then I think 'to hell with it' and start grabbing at the tape.
I don't know why it was so satisfying. And I don't know why they gave me the strong urge to do it too.
After a while I was gathering a fairly good-sized tape ball, which made it easier to pick up tape because I could just whack the ball on the wall and pull off more. Was fun.
Amazing timing it was, when just before I was thinking of stopping the tape-mania and going to class (I was actually right outside the classroom, convenient), the fire alarm went off. That was neat.
I'm having fun with my locker. On there is posted "Tanya loves Wess A!". I was surprised that it went a good two weeks without anyone touching it or even writing anything on it as graffiti. Someone did attempt to tear it off but I taped it on good, and then taped the tears and wrote on it "Don't rip down my sign, you bastard!", at the very bottom.
I attempted a doodle sheet to see what people would come up with, but I guess my locker was near too many immature freshmen classes, so all I got was some obscenities. So I tore it down the next day. I replaced it with an entry. I wrote on lined paper a sort of 'note to self'. I wrote to remember that high schoolers, especially freshmen boys, should be expected to have the maturity of 6th graders. Then I went on a bit about other things.
I decided to write a little entry everyday and tape it on my locker.
Inside my locker I only have one thing taped on. It says "Boys have cooties! (except Wess)" Because I only have one guy who's a friend of mine (at least an acquaintance), besides Wess and a few online guys I talk to. So I'll use the 'cootie' excuse for not liking them.
I'm sleepy and I still have work to do. Time for me to go.
God I miss you Wess.
Haven't seen Wess all today. Hung out for like three hours waiting for him. Oh well.
A bit less self-concious. Guess I just needed a long bath.
*stretches* Uuugh, homework. And ugh my back. Sore.
I remember when I could lay down in the bathtub. I wish I still could. But then I'd be ridiculously short.. So I wish our bathtub was bigger.. but then it wouldn't fit.. I wish we had a bigger bathroom then.
Sharing a bathroom with four people, I wonder if many people do.
I'd sleep easier if I could talk to Wess. I don't like going a day without him.
He's probably exhausted.. At least he'll sleep good.
I hope all is well.
During lunch, about five minutes before Japanese class was to start, two of the freshman boys in my Japanese class started tearing off the large length of tape globs stuck on the wall. There used to be a sort of mural up there, and for each piece of it was about fifty small pieces of rolled tape. They were randomly taking it down, god knows why. Then someone else joins in. And then whats-her-name joins in. And then I think 'to hell with it' and start grabbing at the tape.
I don't know why it was so satisfying. And I don't know why they gave me the strong urge to do it too.
After a while I was gathering a fairly good-sized tape ball, which made it easier to pick up tape because I could just whack the ball on the wall and pull off more. Was fun.
Amazing timing it was, when just before I was thinking of stopping the tape-mania and going to class (I was actually right outside the classroom, convenient), the fire alarm went off. That was neat.
I'm having fun with my locker. On there is posted "Tanya loves Wess A!". I was surprised that it went a good two weeks without anyone touching it or even writing anything on it as graffiti. Someone did attempt to tear it off but I taped it on good, and then taped the tears and wrote on it "Don't rip down my sign, you bastard!", at the very bottom.
I attempted a doodle sheet to see what people would come up with, but I guess my locker was near too many immature freshmen classes, so all I got was some obscenities. So I tore it down the next day. I replaced it with an entry. I wrote on lined paper a sort of 'note to self'. I wrote to remember that high schoolers, especially freshmen boys, should be expected to have the maturity of 6th graders. Then I went on a bit about other things.
I decided to write a little entry everyday and tape it on my locker.
Inside my locker I only have one thing taped on. It says "Boys have cooties! (except Wess)" Because I only have one guy who's a friend of mine (at least an acquaintance), besides Wess and a few online guys I talk to. So I'll use the 'cootie' excuse for not liking them.
I'm sleepy and I still have work to do. Time for me to go.
God I miss you Wess.
Huh
It's amazing how self-concious I'm feeling these days. Damn. It's really annoying. To look in the mirror and suddenly wince at what you see. Maybe it's because for once I kinda have a reason to care about me looking decent.
Blah. Hands, don't touch face. Leave it alone and it'll be fine.
Blah. Hands, don't touch face. Leave it alone and it'll be fine.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Fate
I said fate was cruel, but what I didn't know before was, fate was right. The times in the past when I thought I was in love, it kept them from coming here. I'm glad.
I now thank fate for causing Wess to be busy on my birthday, unable to visit... Because now comes the possibility of him visiting at a much better time.
So now, fate, I ask of you this.
If it's true, if it's meant to be.. Please let this work. Please give it a chance..
I've waited a long time on this one dream. I'm hoping I've finally got the right idea, that I'm finally right.
If this is right for me, let it work.. Please.
I now thank fate for causing Wess to be busy on my birthday, unable to visit... Because now comes the possibility of him visiting at a much better time.
So now, fate, I ask of you this.
If it's true, if it's meant to be.. Please let this work. Please give it a chance..
I've waited a long time on this one dream. I'm hoping I've finally got the right idea, that I'm finally right.
If this is right for me, let it work.. Please.
Always
I fell asleep listening to the song Always by Blink 182 last night, I had it set on repeat. "Let me hold you, touch you, feel you, always. Kiss you, taste you, all night, always" Wess said it reminds him of me. He was singing it on the phone. We spent most of our time on the phone singing for fun. On the phone for like five hours, haha.
I get upset when he acts like his writings are crap and like everything everyone says negative about him and his works are true... Was enough to get me queasy yesterday. *shakes head*
He refuses to let me pay for any of the plane ticket. He's working at a fairly crappy job for eight hours a day to earn money to see me. I have about 200 dollars in my bank so it's annoying that he won't let me pay even half. He won't let me pay anything at all. I'm wondering if he can really earn 400+ in three weeks.
He said he kisses my locket a lot, haha. I find that really cute.
I love him so very much.. More than I've ever loved anyone before.
I miss him this morning.
I get upset when he acts like his writings are crap and like everything everyone says negative about him and his works are true... Was enough to get me queasy yesterday. *shakes head*
He refuses to let me pay for any of the plane ticket. He's working at a fairly crappy job for eight hours a day to earn money to see me. I have about 200 dollars in my bank so it's annoying that he won't let me pay even half. He won't let me pay anything at all. I'm wondering if he can really earn 400+ in three weeks.
He said he kisses my locket a lot, haha. I find that really cute.
I love him so very much.. More than I've ever loved anyone before.
I miss him this morning.
Interesting
In the last week, my 'self mutilation' has increased about double. By mutilation I mean scratching my face to a pulp. Why? Hell if I know. But I currently have on four bandaids in hopes to keep my fingers away from my face acne and flaws so I won't make it worse.
Is it because I'm nervous..?
I'm not really sure. When I do it I'm nervous usually. When I think and get nervous. Maybe I'm nervous I'm not pretty enough? Funny how what I do when I'm nervous just increases this. Makes me look ten times worse, red blotched and gross. *sigh*
I wish I could stop.
I'm attempting to keep myself from this, gotta make good habits. Wash face, apply bandaids, make it so I can't cause any more harm.
I have to stop if I seriously don't want to be ugly when I meet him. I don't want to be covered in bandaids and blotched. So I'll let that inspire me to not even reach up to my face. .....
*sigh*
Is it because I'm nervous..?
I'm not really sure. When I do it I'm nervous usually. When I think and get nervous. Maybe I'm nervous I'm not pretty enough? Funny how what I do when I'm nervous just increases this. Makes me look ten times worse, red blotched and gross. *sigh*
I wish I could stop.
I'm attempting to keep myself from this, gotta make good habits. Wash face, apply bandaids, make it so I can't cause any more harm.
I have to stop if I seriously don't want to be ugly when I meet him. I don't want to be covered in bandaids and blotched. So I'll let that inspire me to not even reach up to my face. .....
*sigh*
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Saturday, March 18, 2006
A smile for the most trustworthy, the most true, the most honest. What he says he means...
He is like me. I would never betray him, never hurt him, never disappear. So I can believe the same for him.
I suppose I am just trying to purge out any subconscious fears.
I trust you. Now I just have to get ahold of that occasional annoyance at blabby girls and cutesy names that are MINE being used.
But I really don't have to worry.
He loves me.
Absorb that, remember that, let that sink in.
He says it every day. He means it every day. And that is something no one else has done.
23 more days...
He is like me. I would never betray him, never hurt him, never disappear. So I can believe the same for him.
I suppose I am just trying to purge out any subconscious fears.
I trust you. Now I just have to get ahold of that occasional annoyance at blabby girls and cutesy names that are MINE being used.
But I really don't have to worry.
He loves me.
Absorb that, remember that, let that sink in.
He says it every day. He means it every day. And that is something no one else has done.
23 more days...
Why She Doesn't Deserve You
She’s had sex enough. She’s fooled around, played with hearts broken hearts and tested her luck. She’s done all the things you shouldn’t do and she broke her own promises.
She doesn’t ever deserve what I do. No no. Not my half, never. She doesn’t deserve to take away my only happiness. The happiness I earned slowly through pain slowly back to smiles. She can have anyone else. But it’s my turn, my turn, for once. Give me a chance. I’m innocent, I’m kind, I’ve never done it I don’t drink I don’t party I’m a good person in general. I’m no dater. But I found the one I want. The one I love. The one exactly like me. So she will never, ever, take him away from me.
Don’t miss him like I miss him. Don’t need him like I need him. Because he’s mine. And if you want him, you can never have him. The only reason the good guys are always taken is because you’re too slow to find anyone based off anything but sex appeal.
Sex. It’s all sex sex sex. Course it’s on my mind, but I didn’t ever fall for you for that. I fell for everything but that. Remember, you said “gushing isn’t our thing”. It is now, but it wasn’t then. And then is when I fell in love with you. Before we were so sweet to eachother, before we grew intamacy. Just you alone was enough.
Don’t need him. Don’t need to talk to him. Don’t miss him. Because I miss him always, and I’ll be selfish, and every time he’s around you I won’t want him to, because I want him to be with me instead. Because I miss him. Don’t miss him. I love him. A lot more than you would ever.
Don’t steal the only smile I have. Don’t steal it for someone you’ll just try on and get bored of after some time. Go fuck someone else.
You’ll never deserve him. Keep your feelings inside and let them rot with each passing day until they are gone.
Don’t you dare call him sweetie. Don’t say you miss him..
It makes me want to scream.
She doesn’t ever deserve what I do. No no. Not my half, never. She doesn’t deserve to take away my only happiness. The happiness I earned slowly through pain slowly back to smiles. She can have anyone else. But it’s my turn, my turn, for once. Give me a chance. I’m innocent, I’m kind, I’ve never done it I don’t drink I don’t party I’m a good person in general. I’m no dater. But I found the one I want. The one I love. The one exactly like me. So she will never, ever, take him away from me.
Don’t miss him like I miss him. Don’t need him like I need him. Because he’s mine. And if you want him, you can never have him. The only reason the good guys are always taken is because you’re too slow to find anyone based off anything but sex appeal.
Sex. It’s all sex sex sex. Course it’s on my mind, but I didn’t ever fall for you for that. I fell for everything but that. Remember, you said “gushing isn’t our thing”. It is now, but it wasn’t then. And then is when I fell in love with you. Before we were so sweet to eachother, before we grew intamacy. Just you alone was enough.
Don’t need him. Don’t need to talk to him. Don’t miss him. Because I miss him always, and I’ll be selfish, and every time he’s around you I won’t want him to, because I want him to be with me instead. Because I miss him. Don’t miss him. I love him. A lot more than you would ever.
Don’t steal the only smile I have. Don’t steal it for someone you’ll just try on and get bored of after some time. Go fuck someone else.
You’ll never deserve him. Keep your feelings inside and let them rot with each passing day until they are gone.
Don’t you dare call him sweetie. Don’t say you miss him..
It makes me want to scream.
Monday, March 13, 2006
Nothing makes me jump, both started and overjoyed, more than seeing the little sleeping face pop to a yellow smilie face under xxinaay-ennn-el-hombreee on Yahoo. Just looking at a picture I took of the computer screen with him available gives me the same anticipating feeling.
Alex is harassing me because I'm blogging. And because I'm going to Sakura-Con. And saying I'm pointing a camera at my face when I was moving a piece of paper. And he's harassing me about blogging again. "Blogging in my skin... These HTML tags do not woork.."
Ass.
"Whatcha blogging about? Blogging about your great day without your brother?"
No. I had a terrible day with OR without him.
Everyone said the WASL was easy. For some reason, it was hard for me.... Great. Even the stupid people said it was easy. Worse, they said it was fun. I had trouble and couldn't understand what they were asking for. The answers didn't seem to match right, none of the multiple choice ones seemed quite right... *sigh* Why..
I feel stupid now. Because supposedly I'm smart yet I'm the only one who said the WASL reading section was difficult....
Wess.. I miss you. Gloomy, I need a hug. I feel stupid.
Alex is harassing me because I'm blogging. And because I'm going to Sakura-Con. And saying I'm pointing a camera at my face when I was moving a piece of paper. And he's harassing me about blogging again. "Blogging in my skin... These HTML tags do not woork.."
Ass.
"Whatcha blogging about? Blogging about your great day without your brother?"
No. I had a terrible day with OR without him.
Everyone said the WASL was easy. For some reason, it was hard for me.... Great. Even the stupid people said it was easy. Worse, they said it was fun. I had trouble and couldn't understand what they were asking for. The answers didn't seem to match right, none of the multiple choice ones seemed quite right... *sigh* Why..
I feel stupid now. Because supposedly I'm smart yet I'm the only one who said the WASL reading section was difficult....
Wess.. I miss you. Gloomy, I need a hug. I feel stupid.
Theory of Love
People who are meant for each other possess many similar features because upon their creation their soul was split in half to make two. The two halves are sent and born on Earth apart, in different bodies. They may be close, far, sometimes impossible to find. When the two find each other they feel the need to constantly be connected (holding hands, hugging, etc) because it gives them the comfort they had before being sent to the world and getting lost.. linking their souls once again. As a whole instead of a half they can live on, living life happily and enjoying what was once a hell, moving forward freely.. Until they come together, they'll feel a pull, a need, an incompleteness.. Which is their soul looking for its other half. It takes some attempts to find the right one, because connections can easily be mistaken.. A close match can serve as simple satisfaction, reducing the pull and need to search, with the idea that what was searched for is found. But when you find the other half, you know. Those who feel no pull to find their other half have entered this world in acceptance of their other half being gone. But us, romantics, continue searching. And that explains love.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
Angstmuffin, Preteen years, Cheesy Romances
Well well well... What do we have here..
An angst muffin you say?
I stole Mayre's term. Where the hell did you come up with angst muffin Mayre? And is it one word or two?
Anyways, I'm being an angst muffin. Under my definition, I'm being full of angst and for no specific reason that I know of. Or for a reason that doesn't have very much relevance, yet I'm still angstin'.
Angst angst angst anngst.
*waves arms around in a mad panic as seen in anime and manga as a cloud of dust and lines and circles to show the motion of hands*
Ahhh~!!!!
AHHHH! WAHHH!
Oh wait a second. So that last time when I was PMSing.. Wasn't really PMSing..? Oh great. Well well, I'm late, so therefore this is probably PMS. Whoo, it's my new angst excuse. Ah hell if I know what's really PMS. I just guess when I get really angsty for no reason that it could be it.
Wess Wess Wess.. *says in Lum's voice*- "Daaaaaarliiing!"
I just watched the second Urusai Yatsura movie. Pardon if that's spelled wrong.
Ataru is such a bastard, jeezus. Poor Lum.
Makes me appreciate for once not chasing stubbornly after someone who is like 'nuuuuuuu~!' when it comes to love. *exasperated sigh*
Well well, third guy, I guess it's not so bad. Technically Wess is my first boyfriend, and technically I've never dated in my life. Untechnically I've gotten so close to two guys that I really wanted to be their girlfriend but they said 'uh... I don't know.. I have to think about it'... AKA, no. -__-
Well, I'm glad I didn't end up with either of them.. Because thinking about it now, that would have sucked ass.
You wonder, after two miserable failed long-distance- online even, relationships, I'd know not to start another one. Nope nope. So you wonder if I'm being really dumb by doing it again. It's hard to say. I'll find out soon whether this is hopeful or hopeless.
It's so ironic..... After the first.. or was it second..? I said to myself "oh god, I'm never meeting guys on the internet again. It was nice but ended up a disaster" >__>;
Well if this succeeds, then joy for my rebellion.
The thing is, this is a hell of a lot less forced. I was stupid before, pushing it too much. Course they were so extremely and sickeningly vague, and for that reason I had no 'no, I will never be with you' to work off. All I knew is 'maybe after some time he could say yes' sort of thing. With Wess, I asked him and he said "yes." That was it. Kaboom, winner. We were already close.. Was helping him with all his issues and being the shoulder to cry on, that sort of thing. I never did mind. If I can help someone, I sure will.. I like to, never find anyone who I can really help.
He has trouble trusting people, terrible trust issues, yet he trusted me.. I found that interesting. He would show me anything personal so I could give him advice and help.. He would trust me with a lot of things that could be misused or spread around..
I'm surprised he said yes so quick though. Just after he had been hurt too.. Strange how he's so willing to fall into it. Wasn't desperation though, because he asked me worriedly if I was asking it under influence of losing someone close (we both had)..
Ah ah.. I'll quit rambling.
--
I think I'm having jitters about Wess visiting. Not so much him visiting, but the chance that something will get in the way! I'm dying to see him. Just dying to. I'm afraid that something will stop it from happening. ... ugh deja vu. Him (another him) earning money, I wonder if he really did? Because he really had no intention of really coming to see me.
I know Wess does though... Just whether he can succeed in it or not, I don't know.
I talked to him on the phone a bit absentmindedly. He said not to worry about it, just be excited for the chance of it happening and don't think about it not. My only fear is disappointment. I'd rather see him and it be awkward as hell then to not see him at all.. I really want to meet him. I want a dream of mine to become real.
Meeting in the airport. I've thought about this for how many years now? My image of who I was to meet was vague but I knew I wanted to. I wanted to run up and hug the person who's been missing from my life so long.
Wonder why.. As a kid and preteen I kinda daydreamed about my 'true love' popping out of nowhere and telling of his love of me *laughing* that's so cheesy to picture, but of course I daydreamed that.
Did you know I read my entire preteen journal to Wess over the phone? It was the most horrifyingly hilarious thing ever. We were both cracking up because I was so cheesy it was both sad and funny. I remember writing it so it scares me, because it's so.. so.. ..... bad. So bad so cliche soo horrible. Me giggling like a little teenager. "Hehehhehe George.. (guy from a book). Hehehee, he's so hawt. Hehehe, boys. Heehehe." ... That's my journal basically.
I even copied down kissing scenes from books I liked because I was so pathetically romantic and obsessed. .....But honestly, I'm still that way. Which is sad. What was more funny is that about four or five crushes are written in there... And they're about.. three pages apart. It says "He's so cute, I want to talk to him" then three pages later "I hate him, he's a loser" Makes me laugh now.
Anyway, since I was young I've wanted some cute guy to burst through my door, go "I love you with all my heart Tanya, I've been watching you everyday from a distance secretly falling for you and -blah blah blah" and then kissing me or something.
So I guess that's why the daydream I've gotten through long-distance relationships is so strong in my head...
Okay, comparison.. Daydream was of some stranger to fall for me and 'sweep me off my feet' like in the fairytale books and say that he loves me blah blah blah..
Well well.. Wess is technically a stranger, in a way. Yet he loves me with all his heart. And when we meet, we will meet in such a sudden and dramatic way. (*cracks up to self*) And and.. Sorry I can just see it like a dramatic movie in my head. (*laughs more*)
Draamaaaa~
I shall simulate our dramatic meeting in 20x cheesiness (or so). Very briefly and very roughly.
Tanya stands in the crowd of people in the airport, with a cheesy nervous look on her face. She wrings her hands wordlessly, staring at the crowd. As the crowd thins, she gets an anxious look on her face, looking back and forth for her love. She stares at the door, still waiting for her dear Wess to come out.. But sees no one. She sighs, her head bowing and eyes staring down at the floor, disappointed and sad. She clutches to her bag with both hands, and then swiftly turns on her heel and slowly starts walking off, a single tear trailing from her eyes.
Lost in thought she doesn't see the large figure in a black trenchcoat step away from the crowd to sift slowly towards her and then behind her.
She feels a hand on her shoulder; her eyes go wide in surprise and she jerks around, staring, afraid, at the looming figure now in front of her.
The figure, a young man, places his other hand gently on her shoulder. She stares at him still, and she sees a large grin beneath his messy black hair that hangs to his shoulders, and his eyes shine beneath his black-rimmed glasses.
"Hey GI Jane, guess who?"
She laughs in surprise and relief as she hears a most familiar and comforting voice.
"Wess.. Jeezus, you scared the shit out of me"
"Well, I'll make it up to you" Wess says, raising his eyebrows, his grin widening. He pulls Tanya into a hug.
"Bear hug!" Tanya exclaims quietly, giggling under her breath. "I've been waiting to feel one of those" He laughs
Silliness subsiding, Wess holds her for a long time, slowly swaying them from side to side, like slowdancing in the middle of an airport. She smiles big, burying her face into his chest, swaying with him. And then~~ *romance romance romance*
/end of story
There we are, cheesy cheesy. Second half seemed a bit more realistic, considering that's more of how we talk.
What's really funny is he has a trenchcoat.. and he's super looming. At least from what I imagine. I mean he's 6 foot somethin'. And he has long-ish black hair <3 Oh yes.
Anyway, that's the cheesy daydream I have, minus a tiny bit of cheesiness and plus more romance. Hoho.
30 days till we meet.
Anyway, I think I was an angstmuffin because I was worrying more than enjoying the thought. And also Wess will be gone two or three days because he's going back to SC to move with his family to CA. He's in New York now. Basically he was on his own for about a month or so and then his family came to visit, help him pack, and is bringing him to SC to pack up there and move to a place in Cali. Yeaah. Like moving twice in a way. But he was just staying in an apartment in NY with some relatives for a bit.
Three days without Wess is making me go "Oh my god! Ahhhh!" because I'm thaat attached. He said to me on the phone "You'll live" and I said "No I won't!" he says "you did last time" and I say "SO??"
Haha.
Still makes me smile to know he always wears my locket I gave him.
Anyways, yeah, I obviously needed to ramble out some thoughts. There ya go. Bye bye.
An angst muffin you say?
I stole Mayre's term. Where the hell did you come up with angst muffin Mayre? And is it one word or two?
Anyways, I'm being an angst muffin. Under my definition, I'm being full of angst and for no specific reason that I know of. Or for a reason that doesn't have very much relevance, yet I'm still angstin'.
Angst angst angst anngst.
*waves arms around in a mad panic as seen in anime and manga as a cloud of dust and lines and circles to show the motion of hands*
Ahhh~!!!!
AHHHH! WAHHH!
Oh wait a second. So that last time when I was PMSing.. Wasn't really PMSing..? Oh great. Well well, I'm late, so therefore this is probably PMS. Whoo, it's my new angst excuse. Ah hell if I know what's really PMS. I just guess when I get really angsty for no reason that it could be it.
Wess Wess Wess.. *says in Lum's voice*- "Daaaaaarliiing!"
I just watched the second Urusai Yatsura movie. Pardon if that's spelled wrong.
Ataru is such a bastard, jeezus. Poor Lum.
Makes me appreciate for once not chasing stubbornly after someone who is like 'nuuuuuuu~!' when it comes to love. *exasperated sigh*
Well well, third guy, I guess it's not so bad. Technically Wess is my first boyfriend, and technically I've never dated in my life. Untechnically I've gotten so close to two guys that I really wanted to be their girlfriend but they said 'uh... I don't know.. I have to think about it'... AKA, no. -__-
Well, I'm glad I didn't end up with either of them.. Because thinking about it now, that would have sucked ass.
You wonder, after two miserable failed long-distance- online even, relationships, I'd know not to start another one. Nope nope. So you wonder if I'm being really dumb by doing it again. It's hard to say. I'll find out soon whether this is hopeful or hopeless.
It's so ironic..... After the first.. or was it second..? I said to myself "oh god, I'm never meeting guys on the internet again. It was nice but ended up a disaster" >__>;
Well if this succeeds, then joy for my rebellion.
The thing is, this is a hell of a lot less forced. I was stupid before, pushing it too much. Course they were so extremely and sickeningly vague, and for that reason I had no 'no, I will never be with you' to work off. All I knew is 'maybe after some time he could say yes' sort of thing. With Wess, I asked him and he said "yes." That was it. Kaboom, winner. We were already close.. Was helping him with all his issues and being the shoulder to cry on, that sort of thing. I never did mind. If I can help someone, I sure will.. I like to, never find anyone who I can really help.
He has trouble trusting people, terrible trust issues, yet he trusted me.. I found that interesting. He would show me anything personal so I could give him advice and help.. He would trust me with a lot of things that could be misused or spread around..
I'm surprised he said yes so quick though. Just after he had been hurt too.. Strange how he's so willing to fall into it. Wasn't desperation though, because he asked me worriedly if I was asking it under influence of losing someone close (we both had)..
Ah ah.. I'll quit rambling.
--
I think I'm having jitters about Wess visiting. Not so much him visiting, but the chance that something will get in the way! I'm dying to see him. Just dying to. I'm afraid that something will stop it from happening. ... ugh deja vu. Him (another him) earning money, I wonder if he really did? Because he really had no intention of really coming to see me.
I know Wess does though... Just whether he can succeed in it or not, I don't know.
I talked to him on the phone a bit absentmindedly. He said not to worry about it, just be excited for the chance of it happening and don't think about it not. My only fear is disappointment. I'd rather see him and it be awkward as hell then to not see him at all.. I really want to meet him. I want a dream of mine to become real.
Meeting in the airport. I've thought about this for how many years now? My image of who I was to meet was vague but I knew I wanted to. I wanted to run up and hug the person who's been missing from my life so long.
Wonder why.. As a kid and preteen I kinda daydreamed about my 'true love' popping out of nowhere and telling of his love of me *laughing* that's so cheesy to picture, but of course I daydreamed that.
Did you know I read my entire preteen journal to Wess over the phone? It was the most horrifyingly hilarious thing ever. We were both cracking up because I was so cheesy it was both sad and funny. I remember writing it so it scares me, because it's so.. so.. ..... bad. So bad so cliche soo horrible. Me giggling like a little teenager. "Hehehhehe George.. (guy from a book). Hehehee, he's so hawt. Hehehe, boys. Heehehe." ... That's my journal basically.
I even copied down kissing scenes from books I liked because I was so pathetically romantic and obsessed. .....But honestly, I'm still that way. Which is sad. What was more funny is that about four or five crushes are written in there... And they're about.. three pages apart. It says "He's so cute, I want to talk to him" then three pages later "I hate him, he's a loser" Makes me laugh now.
Anyway, since I was young I've wanted some cute guy to burst through my door, go "I love you with all my heart Tanya, I've been watching you everyday from a distance secretly falling for you and -blah blah blah" and then kissing me or something.
So I guess that's why the daydream I've gotten through long-distance relationships is so strong in my head...
Okay, comparison.. Daydream was of some stranger to fall for me and 'sweep me off my feet' like in the fairytale books and say that he loves me blah blah blah..
Well well.. Wess is technically a stranger, in a way. Yet he loves me with all his heart. And when we meet, we will meet in such a sudden and dramatic way. (*cracks up to self*) And and.. Sorry I can just see it like a dramatic movie in my head. (*laughs more*)
Draamaaaa~
I shall simulate our dramatic meeting in 20x cheesiness (or so). Very briefly and very roughly.
Tanya stands in the crowd of people in the airport, with a cheesy nervous look on her face. She wrings her hands wordlessly, staring at the crowd. As the crowd thins, she gets an anxious look on her face, looking back and forth for her love. She stares at the door, still waiting for her dear Wess to come out.. But sees no one. She sighs, her head bowing and eyes staring down at the floor, disappointed and sad. She clutches to her bag with both hands, and then swiftly turns on her heel and slowly starts walking off, a single tear trailing from her eyes.
Lost in thought she doesn't see the large figure in a black trenchcoat step away from the crowd to sift slowly towards her and then behind her.
She feels a hand on her shoulder; her eyes go wide in surprise and she jerks around, staring, afraid, at the looming figure now in front of her.
The figure, a young man, places his other hand gently on her shoulder. She stares at him still, and she sees a large grin beneath his messy black hair that hangs to his shoulders, and his eyes shine beneath his black-rimmed glasses.
"Hey GI Jane, guess who?"
She laughs in surprise and relief as she hears a most familiar and comforting voice.
"Wess.. Jeezus, you scared the shit out of me"
"Well, I'll make it up to you" Wess says, raising his eyebrows, his grin widening. He pulls Tanya into a hug.
"Bear hug!" Tanya exclaims quietly, giggling under her breath. "I've been waiting to feel one of those" He laughs
Silliness subsiding, Wess holds her for a long time, slowly swaying them from side to side, like slowdancing in the middle of an airport. She smiles big, burying her face into his chest, swaying with him. And then~~ *romance romance romance*
/end of story
There we are, cheesy cheesy. Second half seemed a bit more realistic, considering that's more of how we talk.
What's really funny is he has a trenchcoat.. and he's super looming. At least from what I imagine. I mean he's 6 foot somethin'. And he has long-ish black hair <3 Oh yes.
Anyway, that's the cheesy daydream I have, minus a tiny bit of cheesiness and plus more romance. Hoho.
30 days till we meet.
Anyway, I think I was an angstmuffin because I was worrying more than enjoying the thought. And also Wess will be gone two or three days because he's going back to SC to move with his family to CA. He's in New York now. Basically he was on his own for about a month or so and then his family came to visit, help him pack, and is bringing him to SC to pack up there and move to a place in Cali. Yeaah. Like moving twice in a way. But he was just staying in an apartment in NY with some relatives for a bit.
Three days without Wess is making me go "Oh my god! Ahhhh!" because I'm thaat attached. He said to me on the phone "You'll live" and I said "No I won't!" he says "you did last time" and I say "SO??"
Haha.
Still makes me smile to know he always wears my locket I gave him.
Anyways, yeah, I obviously needed to ramble out some thoughts. There ya go. Bye bye.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Swollen Eyes
She stared.
"Your eyes look puffy, swollen"
I yawned and replied "eh, I think it's from sleeping.. in the morning they're puffy.."
Mom says "yeah, my eyes get like that too, it'll probably go away later"
I wander to a mirror, where I look and they indeed are. I touch them lightly with my fingertips, and then know why it was so hard to open my eyes that morning.
Upon staring in the mirror, I remembered. I had been crying all the night before. "oh.." And there went the theory of swollen eyes in the morning.
"Your eyes look puffy, swollen"
I yawned and replied "eh, I think it's from sleeping.. in the morning they're puffy.."
Mom says "yeah, my eyes get like that too, it'll probably go away later"
I wander to a mirror, where I look and they indeed are. I touch them lightly with my fingertips, and then know why it was so hard to open my eyes that morning.
Upon staring in the mirror, I remembered. I had been crying all the night before. "oh.." And there went the theory of swollen eyes in the morning.
My Exact Thoughts in the Bathroom
"As she looked down at her leg, she noted her skin was chapped in such a way that it looked like a phallic symbol. It was small and otherwise completely unnoticeable, if not the current circumstance. Very small, about a fourth of her pinky-nail. She rubbed at it and it seemed gone."
---
"Why god why? Why did this happen?"
Another figure comes from the shadows, standing to the side of the sobbing man "...Because your family was at the wrong place at the wrong time"
The crying man kneels wordless, wringing his hands before his despair leads him to more questions "Why oh why? Why my family? My family? Why did they have to die?? Why!?"
The figure in the darkness replies "..Because your family chose to walk through what was then called a battlefield, a place so violent and so dangerous that a cat walking alone would fear for its life"
"WHY did they have to walk there? Why?"
The figure in the darkness shakes his head "They thought that was the best way home."
"WHY didn't God stop this from happening? Why didn't he??"
The figure laughs quietly "IT, for one, could not change the will of your family. He was sitting by the side watching closely, as a child would an ant farm, watching a few die.. It acknowledges your loss and feels for you, but nothing It can do will help. It mourns for the deaths as a child would for those ants, as It is much like a child.. It is unlike an adult who wouldn't mourn those deaths. It is unlike those who will watch it on the news tonight with so little remorse"
"HOW could you speak like this? Like nothing could be done?"
"Nothing could be, and that is that"
"WHY do you say such things? Does your cruelty have no end to its length?"
"All I've told you, my friend, is the truth.. The truth hurts, no?"
----
"I'm sorry I'm not prettier.. you deserve prettier"
"What? You are pretty"
"Sweet of you to say but I disagree.. Look closely, could you? The details. The details you haven't seen until now.."
"I see the details, and you're pretty"
"Okay.. If you say so.."
----
Upon looking in the mirror
"When I subconsciously think I'm ugly I subconsciously tear my face apart."
---
"Why god why? Why did this happen?"
Another figure comes from the shadows, standing to the side of the sobbing man "...Because your family was at the wrong place at the wrong time"
The crying man kneels wordless, wringing his hands before his despair leads him to more questions "Why oh why? Why my family? My family? Why did they have to die?? Why!?"
The figure in the darkness replies "..Because your family chose to walk through what was then called a battlefield, a place so violent and so dangerous that a cat walking alone would fear for its life"
"WHY did they have to walk there? Why?"
The figure in the darkness shakes his head "They thought that was the best way home."
"WHY didn't God stop this from happening? Why didn't he??"
The figure laughs quietly "IT, for one, could not change the will of your family. He was sitting by the side watching closely, as a child would an ant farm, watching a few die.. It acknowledges your loss and feels for you, but nothing It can do will help. It mourns for the deaths as a child would for those ants, as It is much like a child.. It is unlike an adult who wouldn't mourn those deaths. It is unlike those who will watch it on the news tonight with so little remorse"
"HOW could you speak like this? Like nothing could be done?"
"Nothing could be, and that is that"
"WHY do you say such things? Does your cruelty have no end to its length?"
"All I've told you, my friend, is the truth.. The truth hurts, no?"
----
"I'm sorry I'm not prettier.. you deserve prettier"
"What? You are pretty"
"Sweet of you to say but I disagree.. Look closely, could you? The details. The details you haven't seen until now.."
"I see the details, and you're pretty"
"Okay.. If you say so.."
----
Upon looking in the mirror
"When I subconsciously think I'm ugly I subconsciously tear my face apart."
Hm.. for some reason I feel really down right now. Not sure why. I just get this really empty feeling. It's dark and I feel like I have a lot to worry about yet nothing to do. Just kinda a cold lonesome feeling.
Because my nympho hasn't been indulged? Haha. Well nothing fails to cheer me up like that does I admit.
Don't know. I guess it's just that tired feeling. You don't want to do anything but you want to just do something.. Something that doesn't have a lot of thinking involved but is fun and will make you smile. Can't really think of anything like that right now.
Bleh. Just bleh.
Bye. Maybe I'll eat cookies or something.
Because my nympho hasn't been indulged? Haha. Well nothing fails to cheer me up like that does I admit.
Don't know. I guess it's just that tired feeling. You don't want to do anything but you want to just do something.. Something that doesn't have a lot of thinking involved but is fun and will make you smile. Can't really think of anything like that right now.
Bleh. Just bleh.
Bye. Maybe I'll eat cookies or something.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
(from my DA journal)
I just received the best news ever. The best news ever...
Weston.. The guy I'm in love with.. Is coming to visit.. April 10th.. Oh.. my.. god.
I'm so happy.
I can hug him and hold him and kiss him and cuddle and laugh with him and we'll be dorks together.. singing obnoxiously:
"We got together like ramalamalama iidangidangada.. Remember forever, a shooapshooap boopibiboopti wa.. Chang chang, changitychangchubop, that's the way it should beeee! Wooooah yeah!"
*laughs*
I'm meeting the boy I love. .. wow. The guy who loves me a crapload. God I am SO happy. Happy happy happy.
32 days until I meet him for the first time.
Talked on the phone with him.. I'm so excited.
*giggles immaturely* he said 'I love you too baby' before hanging up. Heeheheh. XD Sorry, I'm elated as hell.
Funny how my life works this way.. It goes to hell for a week or two, and then turns around and becomes the best time of my life.
Last night I was crying my eyes out. Because I was a complete idiot and said things I didn't want to say, and I didn't realize it until it was too late. Terrible.. I'm sure anyone who I ever attempted a relationship with would know how I am sometimes. A selfish, immature bitch. Yeah I get that way.. I don't realize how I sound until it's all laid out in front of me, and at that point I realize 'shit. no.'
I hadn't cried in months and months, and even then the tears weren't coming although I really wanted to cry. I was so upset with myself. Just wanted to take absolutely everything back and hurt no one but myself. Upon him ditching me to take a shower because I hurt him, I swore to myself for a good ten minutes and then dialed his number. I listened to his ringtone and waited for the familiar sound of the message machine. My mind had gone completely blank with despair to what I would say and do when the message machine came on, but I had to say something more.
I was surprised and startled to here the ringing stop and hear his voice, and a lot less low and harsh than I expected.. 'hello?' he said like any normal person, when the most I expected was a pained silence or short harsh words.
"Wess...." I whispered, voice wavering. I choked on my words and the tears finally started pouring out, and I didn't speak. "Tanya.." he said quietly, sighing "..are you crying?" Sobbing now, I managed a "Yes-". "Baby.. it's okay.. shh shh shh..." I continued crying uncontrollably. Something along the lines of this was said. "What happened to 'people make mistakes'? We all make mistakes, you're only human" "I don't care I don't care I hate it I hurt you and-... I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry.." "I've forgiven you, okay? I love you, I'm not leaving you" "I wish I could just shut up.. Just shut the fuck up.. I don't know to until it's too late and I've said everything I don't want to" silence and then more of me crying "Yes you can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but everyone is. Every relationship has times when we're stupid because we care so much about each other. Yes you can be, but behind that you're the most wonderful girl I've ever met. You make me happy, Tanya. You make me happier than I've ever been." (and more muffled crying) "I don't care.. I'm just so.. I'm sorry.. I wish I could be perfect for you" "I don't want you to be perfect. I love you just as you are and don't want you to change. And I've forgiven you." "You shouldn't..."
This goes on for quite some time, I'm crying at least ten or fifteen minutes straight, and for some time he just goes silent with an occasional comforting word.
After I finally stopped crying and got a hold of myself we talked, and by the end hours later I was laughing.
"why did you answer the phone...? You sounded so.. so... I don't know.. you just said what you did and left.. I didn't expect you to answer it.." I said to him quietly, after my tears had subsided "Well.. I was out getting clothes for the shower, and then the phone rang and I saw that it was you, so I couldn't not answer... I wanted to check to see if you were okay" "Even though you were pissed off at me?" "Yes" "Weird.." "It's called love dear" "Well it's new to me.." "I know."
After I had calmed down and figured out why I got so upset at him and understood where I had warped things in my head, relief came in a wave and it became a sort of thing you laugh and shake your head at, thinking 'jeez, all that because of that'
Shows he truly loves me, to be concerned and comforting even when he had just gotten pissed at me.
After that it was the sort of time when you've plagued over something for a long time, and then suddenly you ask what to do and why and what, and it all makes sense, so you say "okay.......- okay..." and everything is over.
With the absence of all my fears all at once, I felt an extreme closeness to him. Unlike all others I had been 'with', he had forgiven me without the grudge that I am so used to receiving for my stupid mistakes.
He said I had been acting different since the time he fell a bit apart. When I told him why is when my words were too much, when my misunderstandings caused what lead to me sobbing to him over the phone. Now that I was lifted from what had been making me unhappy, the belief that I would never be able to lift him from the depressed time he had been going through, I could once more laugh and smile and be dorky with him.. Just be as I usually was. As was he.
Today I heard that tomorrow my brother is coming home. I realized, spring break is a long way away.. So I wondered, wait a second, he's not here during spring break? That was one of the reasons I wanted Wess to visit in the summer instead of the spring. I realized.. Maybe he can come. Then I was reminded that I was getting six teeth pulled that week. So I'd be laid up and miserable. With the realization that a stupid appointment was all that was keeping me from meeting Wess, I begged to my mom to reschedule.
She did... And now it's saved for June.
Wess said to me on the phone after I left him a message of how he might be able to come and he later responded that he'd ask his mom about it.. "Looks like I'm coming then"
Jump for joy my darling boy is coming to see me.
Things always seem to make a lot more sense when said aloud. It was so simple, such a simple confusion that had me freaked out. It was said so simply that it was funny. Something I had somehow managed to miss through the typing of hands and text on a screen. His voice tells me what I've overlooked, and to speak allows me to express it all so much more clearly.
I can say 'fuck fuck fuck' all I want there and I can say 'I'm so sorry', but until he hears my voice and hears the emotion behind it, it means so very little.
I didn't even know I was upset enough to cry that much.
Anyway, life has jumped from dark to light.
I feel light with happiness now.
I get to see him.....
I'm going to take a million pictures of us.
And jeezus, I have a buzzcut. Great. But he said it looks awesome or something, and said again today when I expressed my annoyance at cutting my hair when he was coming so soon. "I want to look more like myself when I meet you" "You do look like yourself, you're a freak" that made me laugh.
I said to him.. "wouldn't it be funny if you had really long hair and I had my buzzcut again when we met..." I didn't know that would be true.
He wears the locket I gave him always, never takes it off..
We're such a funky couple.... And that's fun.
We're going to cuddle up every night, we're going to watch movies and be retarded together. I can't wait.
32 days until I see him.... Gosh...
Weston.. The guy I'm in love with.. Is coming to visit.. April 10th.. Oh.. my.. god.
I'm so happy.
I can hug him and hold him and kiss him and cuddle and laugh with him and we'll be dorks together.. singing obnoxiously:
"We got together like ramalamalama iidangidangada.. Remember forever, a shooapshooap boopibiboopti wa.. Chang chang, changitychangchubop, that's the way it should beeee! Wooooah yeah!"
*laughs*
I'm meeting the boy I love. .. wow. The guy who loves me a crapload. God I am SO happy. Happy happy happy.
32 days until I meet him for the first time.
Talked on the phone with him.. I'm so excited.
*giggles immaturely* he said 'I love you too baby' before hanging up. Heeheheh. XD Sorry, I'm elated as hell.
Funny how my life works this way.. It goes to hell for a week or two, and then turns around and becomes the best time of my life.
Last night I was crying my eyes out. Because I was a complete idiot and said things I didn't want to say, and I didn't realize it until it was too late. Terrible.. I'm sure anyone who I ever attempted a relationship with would know how I am sometimes. A selfish, immature bitch. Yeah I get that way.. I don't realize how I sound until it's all laid out in front of me, and at that point I realize 'shit. no.'
I hadn't cried in months and months, and even then the tears weren't coming although I really wanted to cry. I was so upset with myself. Just wanted to take absolutely everything back and hurt no one but myself. Upon him ditching me to take a shower because I hurt him, I swore to myself for a good ten minutes and then dialed his number. I listened to his ringtone and waited for the familiar sound of the message machine. My mind had gone completely blank with despair to what I would say and do when the message machine came on, but I had to say something more.
I was surprised and startled to here the ringing stop and hear his voice, and a lot less low and harsh than I expected.. 'hello?' he said like any normal person, when the most I expected was a pained silence or short harsh words.
"Wess...." I whispered, voice wavering. I choked on my words and the tears finally started pouring out, and I didn't speak. "Tanya.." he said quietly, sighing "..are you crying?" Sobbing now, I managed a "Yes-". "Baby.. it's okay.. shh shh shh..." I continued crying uncontrollably. Something along the lines of this was said. "What happened to 'people make mistakes'? We all make mistakes, you're only human" "I don't care I don't care I hate it I hurt you and-... I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry.." "I've forgiven you, okay? I love you, I'm not leaving you" "I wish I could just shut up.. Just shut the fuck up.. I don't know to until it's too late and I've said everything I don't want to" silence and then more of me crying "Yes you can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but everyone is. Every relationship has times when we're stupid because we care so much about each other. Yes you can be, but behind that you're the most wonderful girl I've ever met. You make me happy, Tanya. You make me happier than I've ever been." (and more muffled crying) "I don't care.. I'm just so.. I'm sorry.. I wish I could be perfect for you" "I don't want you to be perfect. I love you just as you are and don't want you to change. And I've forgiven you." "You shouldn't..."
This goes on for quite some time, I'm crying at least ten or fifteen minutes straight, and for some time he just goes silent with an occasional comforting word.
After I finally stopped crying and got a hold of myself we talked, and by the end hours later I was laughing.
"why did you answer the phone...? You sounded so.. so... I don't know.. you just said what you did and left.. I didn't expect you to answer it.." I said to him quietly, after my tears had subsided "Well.. I was out getting clothes for the shower, and then the phone rang and I saw that it was you, so I couldn't not answer... I wanted to check to see if you were okay" "Even though you were pissed off at me?" "Yes" "Weird.." "It's called love dear" "Well it's new to me.." "I know."
After I had calmed down and figured out why I got so upset at him and understood where I had warped things in my head, relief came in a wave and it became a sort of thing you laugh and shake your head at, thinking 'jeez, all that because of that'
Shows he truly loves me, to be concerned and comforting even when he had just gotten pissed at me.
After that it was the sort of time when you've plagued over something for a long time, and then suddenly you ask what to do and why and what, and it all makes sense, so you say "okay.......- okay..." and everything is over.
With the absence of all my fears all at once, I felt an extreme closeness to him. Unlike all others I had been 'with', he had forgiven me without the grudge that I am so used to receiving for my stupid mistakes.
He said I had been acting different since the time he fell a bit apart. When I told him why is when my words were too much, when my misunderstandings caused what lead to me sobbing to him over the phone. Now that I was lifted from what had been making me unhappy, the belief that I would never be able to lift him from the depressed time he had been going through, I could once more laugh and smile and be dorky with him.. Just be as I usually was. As was he.
Today I heard that tomorrow my brother is coming home. I realized, spring break is a long way away.. So I wondered, wait a second, he's not here during spring break? That was one of the reasons I wanted Wess to visit in the summer instead of the spring. I realized.. Maybe he can come. Then I was reminded that I was getting six teeth pulled that week. So I'd be laid up and miserable. With the realization that a stupid appointment was all that was keeping me from meeting Wess, I begged to my mom to reschedule.
She did... And now it's saved for June.
Wess said to me on the phone after I left him a message of how he might be able to come and he later responded that he'd ask his mom about it.. "Looks like I'm coming then"
Jump for joy my darling boy is coming to see me.
Things always seem to make a lot more sense when said aloud. It was so simple, such a simple confusion that had me freaked out. It was said so simply that it was funny. Something I had somehow managed to miss through the typing of hands and text on a screen. His voice tells me what I've overlooked, and to speak allows me to express it all so much more clearly.
I can say 'fuck fuck fuck' all I want there and I can say 'I'm so sorry', but until he hears my voice and hears the emotion behind it, it means so very little.
I didn't even know I was upset enough to cry that much.
Anyway, life has jumped from dark to light.
I feel light with happiness now.
I get to see him.....
I'm going to take a million pictures of us.
And jeezus, I have a buzzcut. Great. But he said it looks awesome or something, and said again today when I expressed my annoyance at cutting my hair when he was coming so soon. "I want to look more like myself when I meet you" "You do look like yourself, you're a freak" that made me laugh.
I said to him.. "wouldn't it be funny if you had really long hair and I had my buzzcut again when we met..." I didn't know that would be true.
He wears the locket I gave him always, never takes it off..
We're such a funky couple.... And that's fun.
We're going to cuddle up every night, we're going to watch movies and be retarded together. I can't wait.
32 days until I see him.... Gosh...
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Take the rainclouds away
and hide them behind the trees
take the darkness and white
and paint it blue today
please let me through
these darkened eyes
that color the world cold
please paint the sky blue
please sun, shine through
and pierce this shroud
of dark, that swallows the light
I want some warmth tonight
but no amount of heat
can sink through these cold
shaking hands
that hold to, in
desperation
what's still so far
so beyond my reach
that hold, please
consultation
of what is yet to speak
all the smiles have seeped out
sinked out
drown like ink,
faded blue
this familiar hue..
faded blue, faded blue..
remember you..
down with the scratch of quill
messily in scream
tell me, oh, something..
what was then
is gone
drowned inked pen
another faded,
smeared
tear-soaked page
of what I feel today
and hide them behind the trees
take the darkness and white
and paint it blue today
please let me through
these darkened eyes
that color the world cold
please paint the sky blue
please sun, shine through
and pierce this shroud
of dark, that swallows the light
I want some warmth tonight
but no amount of heat
can sink through these cold
shaking hands
that hold to, in
desperation
what's still so far
so beyond my reach
that hold, please
consultation
of what is yet to speak
all the smiles have seeped out
sinked out
drown like ink,
faded blue
this familiar hue..
faded blue, faded blue..
remember you..
down with the scratch of quill
messily in scream
tell me, oh, something..
what was then
is gone
drowned inked pen
another faded,
smeared
tear-soaked page
of what I feel today
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Ugh
I suddenly have had an intense wave of fear hit me, a fear of losing Wess.
I just feel sick to the stomach.
I left him yet another message on his phone, and I admit I felt I would soon cry or something, because I could hear how down my voice sounded. Just knowing that I'm sad makes me feel like crying for some reason. Just because I realize how deep the feeling runs, when it was unapparent until my feelings came out from beneath the surface, through my voice, that which wavers slightly as I speak.
His depressed absence today just adds fuel to the nausea I feel.
He's not here to tell me otherwise, so I have a lot of time to ponder on the possibilities.
Please don't fall for your best friend. God please don't. Ever.
Because I said I would never break your heart, never break mine. Because believe it or not, it would have just as much of an impact on me as it would on you.
I did imply the high possibility of suicide at the loss of him, at some point. Or, no, not at the loss of him... To seeing myself lose him to someone else. That would kill me. To be not good enough, to the one who loves me more than anyone ever has.
He loves me. He says it every day. And I don't always say it first. He's no liar, he's the most dreadfully honest I've met in a while. But "I love you" is without definition. We can only wonder the depth until shown, and I cannot be shown until the length of being with him is about doubled. AKA, I meet him in person in about three months, if nothing gets in the way.
(oh, something always always gets in the way)
*chuckles to self*
If you'd give 'anything' to kiss me, then you sure as hell better not go to Ireland on the same date as we planned to meet.
Anyways, I feel shitty. Night time, always brings some form of gloom when I'm mentally exhausted.
Bye until I feel better.
I just feel sick to the stomach.
I left him yet another message on his phone, and I admit I felt I would soon cry or something, because I could hear how down my voice sounded. Just knowing that I'm sad makes me feel like crying for some reason. Just because I realize how deep the feeling runs, when it was unapparent until my feelings came out from beneath the surface, through my voice, that which wavers slightly as I speak.
His depressed absence today just adds fuel to the nausea I feel.
He's not here to tell me otherwise, so I have a lot of time to ponder on the possibilities.
Please don't fall for your best friend. God please don't. Ever.
Because I said I would never break your heart, never break mine. Because believe it or not, it would have just as much of an impact on me as it would on you.
I did imply the high possibility of suicide at the loss of him, at some point. Or, no, not at the loss of him... To seeing myself lose him to someone else. That would kill me. To be not good enough, to the one who loves me more than anyone ever has.
He loves me. He says it every day. And I don't always say it first. He's no liar, he's the most dreadfully honest I've met in a while. But "I love you" is without definition. We can only wonder the depth until shown, and I cannot be shown until the length of being with him is about doubled. AKA, I meet him in person in about three months, if nothing gets in the way.
(oh, something always always gets in the way)
*chuckles to self*
If you'd give 'anything' to kiss me, then you sure as hell better not go to Ireland on the same date as we planned to meet.
Anyways, I feel shitty. Night time, always brings some form of gloom when I'm mentally exhausted.
Bye until I feel better.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Better
Things are doing a bit better, I mean, in general things aren't bad. He's eating again and sleeping a bit, so I feel at least a bit better.
Sheesh, Wess. He uncovers things I don't really know about myself, or just haven't noticed.
"So a bisexual a nympho (to a point), AND A RAGING PERVERT"
I guess I'm bisexual then? Am I? It's hard to say. I have a great interest in dragqueens and I like guys who are feminine.. I don't know if I am because I have yet to see a girl whom I would ever date. I have yet to see a girl who I believe is pretty.. And most guys I don't think are cute either. Have you ever seen Dir En Grey? They're a Japanese group of guys that look exactly like girls. Yet I find them hot as hell. And the fact that they're guys just enhances that. And I like guys with long dark hair <3. I'm an odd one.
As for nympho.. Yes and no. I'm a total nympho if it's everything but sex. Excessive desire 24/7 to cuddle kiss hug etc. Mostly those three things.
Snuggling/kissing/being silly with Wess is super fun. Even if it is just through text. Sorta been a while. We're both silly and romantic so it's fun and amusing.
Such as~
-he smiles lightly, leaning forward and whispering back 'I love you too Tanya, so very much' his arms reach up and wrap around you and he grins stupidly 'bear hug, rawr'-
*she laughs and sticks her tongue out, kissing you lightly*
*'my big cuddly bear <3' she says with a laugh and a grin*
-he kisses back gently before laughing, shaking his head lightly before opening his eyes to look at you-
*she looks back, still grinning, asking innocently 'whaaddaya lookin' at?'*
-he says with a straight face 'could be your eyes, could be your lips, could be your nose...' his eyes motion upward then back down to your eyes 'could be your haircut Jane' he laughs lightly, smiling at you widely with a look of "haha, I'm a smartass" across his face-
*she laughs and shakes her head slightly, 'well I hope you're not staring at me just cuz the haircut' she makes a face*
-his eyes look back down into yours and he smiles 'hi'-
'hi ^ ^'
-he leans down and kisses your nose-
*she leans up and returns the favor, running her tongue along the bridge of your nose with a laugh*
-he laughs before leaning down and licking from the tip of your nose up to your forehead-
*she laughs some more, making a face at you*
Silly romanticness. <3
Very nice very nice.
But he was cruel and decided to leave just when things were getting fun, to go get out 'before the night dies'.
Yeah I'm totally going to see him when he gets back. :P Hahah.
Sheesh, Wess. He uncovers things I don't really know about myself, or just haven't noticed.
"So a bisexual a nympho (to a point), AND A RAGING PERVERT"
I guess I'm bisexual then? Am I? It's hard to say. I have a great interest in dragqueens and I like guys who are feminine.. I don't know if I am because I have yet to see a girl whom I would ever date. I have yet to see a girl who I believe is pretty.. And most guys I don't think are cute either. Have you ever seen Dir En Grey? They're a Japanese group of guys that look exactly like girls. Yet I find them hot as hell. And the fact that they're guys just enhances that. And I like guys with long dark hair <3. I'm an odd one.
As for nympho.. Yes and no. I'm a total nympho if it's everything but sex. Excessive desire 24/7 to cuddle kiss hug etc. Mostly those three things.
Snuggling/kissing/being silly with Wess is super fun. Even if it is just through text. Sorta been a while. We're both silly and romantic so it's fun and amusing.
Such as~
-he smiles lightly, leaning forward and whispering back 'I love you too Tanya, so very much' his arms reach up and wrap around you and he grins stupidly 'bear hug, rawr'-
*she laughs and sticks her tongue out, kissing you lightly*
*'my big cuddly bear <3' she says with a laugh and a grin*
-he kisses back gently before laughing, shaking his head lightly before opening his eyes to look at you-
*she looks back, still grinning, asking innocently 'whaaddaya lookin' at?'*
-he says with a straight face 'could be your eyes, could be your lips, could be your nose...' his eyes motion upward then back down to your eyes 'could be your haircut Jane' he laughs lightly, smiling at you widely with a look of "haha, I'm a smartass" across his face-
*she laughs and shakes her head slightly, 'well I hope you're not staring at me just cuz the haircut' she makes a face*
-his eyes look back down into yours and he smiles 'hi'-
'hi ^ ^'
-he leans down and kisses your nose-
*she leans up and returns the favor, running her tongue along the bridge of your nose with a laugh*
-he laughs before leaning down and licking from the tip of your nose up to your forehead-
*she laughs some more, making a face at you*
Silly romanticness. <3
Very nice very nice.
But he was cruel and decided to leave just when things were getting fun, to go get out 'before the night dies'.
Yeah I'm totally going to see him when he gets back. :P Hahah.
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