So yeah. *wince* Dooon't listen.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Kiss Me Deadly
Gawd. I can't sing I tell you!!!! I only did it out of boredom and I only did it because it's Wess and I's song! It's ooour sooong.. And I miss him duh. :P
So yeah. *wince* Dooon't listen.
So yeah. *wince* Dooon't listen.
Today Kinda Sucked
Mmhm. It did.
First thing in the morning I had math. I woke late so I did all my studying at school.. Got to school early so I had some time. But of course the final is reviewing all the things I found confusing.. The little substitution and solving equations crap that I get confused in...
So my head was buzzy upon starting the test and I ended up going slow so I was the very last person to turn in my test. Even though it was multiple choice. Even then there were some questions I simply guessed on because I didn't know how. Upon turning in the test the teacher asked "are you alright with everything? You seemed nervous this morning" and I replied "yeah.. I'm just a bit flakey on all this".
The next period I had normal class, and it was biology. We played Jeopardy the entire period.
I'm socially anxious therefore those little competitive classroom games = hell. I hate being put on the spot and being responsible for bringing my team down. Course there was no way to get out of it. We take turns being responsible for raising the card (the 'buzzer') and answering the question. Every time it was my turn I hoped to get a hard question so I would have a good excuse to not answer, as that I didn't know.
At first I was relieved, because I was in a group of people who didn't study, so they knew no better than I. But I soon found I had one competitive person whom winning was important to. So every time it was my turn he'd tell me to 'raise it raise it', and when I didn't because I couldn't answer the question, he'd get annoyed at me. "I knew the answer!! Why didn't you raise it??" The few times I did raise it and didn't know, he'd whisper random answers and I felt dumb stuttering between ten and twenty-two. The 'buzzer' rotated between four, so I had temporary relief, but not for long. By the third or so time of me raising to too late, he went "TANYA!! What did I tell you? Gah!" loud enough to turn heads in the temporary silence. I tried to just laugh it off but I was embarrassed and terribly stressed.
The next period was less of a burden, my Language Arts final. Only trouble is, I think I got a C. He graded us on the notebooks alone we kept throughout the semester, and I think he took down points for me having a makeshift folder in it instead of one that was already built in. "Didn't believe me at the beginning of the year huh?" "I couldn't find one with folders"
Teacher made fun of me and I shrugged. Sarcasm of how living in a small town it's hard to find a store with those kind of notebooks. It's not my fault.. We looked and looked and no one seemed to have any two section notebook with built in folders.
Some days ago he said that I was raised by wolves, holding my pencil that way.
So today sucked. I feel screwed.
Because the finals to come, harder, no easier.
And the only year I want good grades- I can't get them. The only year I need to get good grades... Damn. I want to get into the college..
I get all A's every year but THIS year. It pisses me off.
The only year I need it!
I'm dreading tomorrow. Tomorrow I have to run for a final, all the way around Green Lake, and then I have to write an essay on some historical thing from memory. God. Help me.
And then on the last day, biology and Japanese, the two hardest of all. How the hell do I study for Japanese.... I could hardly understand the page she gave us as a freebie.
I'm so very much dreading all this...
First thing in the morning I had math. I woke late so I did all my studying at school.. Got to school early so I had some time. But of course the final is reviewing all the things I found confusing.. The little substitution and solving equations crap that I get confused in...
So my head was buzzy upon starting the test and I ended up going slow so I was the very last person to turn in my test. Even though it was multiple choice. Even then there were some questions I simply guessed on because I didn't know how. Upon turning in the test the teacher asked "are you alright with everything? You seemed nervous this morning" and I replied "yeah.. I'm just a bit flakey on all this".
The next period I had normal class, and it was biology. We played Jeopardy the entire period.
I'm socially anxious therefore those little competitive classroom games = hell. I hate being put on the spot and being responsible for bringing my team down. Course there was no way to get out of it. We take turns being responsible for raising the card (the 'buzzer') and answering the question. Every time it was my turn I hoped to get a hard question so I would have a good excuse to not answer, as that I didn't know.
At first I was relieved, because I was in a group of people who didn't study, so they knew no better than I. But I soon found I had one competitive person whom winning was important to. So every time it was my turn he'd tell me to 'raise it raise it', and when I didn't because I couldn't answer the question, he'd get annoyed at me. "I knew the answer!! Why didn't you raise it??" The few times I did raise it and didn't know, he'd whisper random answers and I felt dumb stuttering between ten and twenty-two. The 'buzzer' rotated between four, so I had temporary relief, but not for long. By the third or so time of me raising to too late, he went "TANYA!! What did I tell you? Gah!" loud enough to turn heads in the temporary silence. I tried to just laugh it off but I was embarrassed and terribly stressed.
The next period was less of a burden, my Language Arts final. Only trouble is, I think I got a C. He graded us on the notebooks alone we kept throughout the semester, and I think he took down points for me having a makeshift folder in it instead of one that was already built in. "Didn't believe me at the beginning of the year huh?" "I couldn't find one with folders"
Teacher made fun of me and I shrugged. Sarcasm of how living in a small town it's hard to find a store with those kind of notebooks. It's not my fault.. We looked and looked and no one seemed to have any two section notebook with built in folders.
Some days ago he said that I was raised by wolves, holding my pencil that way.
So today sucked. I feel screwed.
Because the finals to come, harder, no easier.
And the only year I want good grades- I can't get them. The only year I need to get good grades... Damn. I want to get into the college..
I get all A's every year but THIS year. It pisses me off.
The only year I need it!
I'm dreading tomorrow. Tomorrow I have to run for a final, all the way around Green Lake, and then I have to write an essay on some historical thing from memory. God. Help me.
And then on the last day, biology and Japanese, the two hardest of all. How the hell do I study for Japanese.... I could hardly understand the page she gave us as a freebie.
I'm so very much dreading all this...
Laughing, Remembering
Night before finals and I can't sleep soundly, so I go up to look through cute moments.
Gaaaaaaaaawd it still makes me grin and bubble inside reading this, because it's so damned cute dorky and retarded and I love it.
-leans forward so our noses touch, a semi-serious look on his face- Hi
hi
-with a straight face, our noses still touching, his eyebrow raising as you laugh- Nice weather today, huh?
*glances at your eyes* mmmmhm
-his eyes stay focused onto yours, never moving except to glance back and forth between each eye, the semi-serious expression on his face, he smiles as you do- -his smile fades and his expressions turns back to semi-serious as he continues to look you straight in the eye, our noses still pressing against one another, he whispers in a serious voice- You know ma'am, it's not every day a pretty girl walks up to me on the street and puts there face against mine, is this going to cost me anything? -he smiles warmly-
*"well.." I say, laughing* *she grins "only a kiss"*
-his hand reaches up and his index finger glides against the surface of your lips, as he does so his eyes continue to look straight into yours, his semi-serious expression turns to one of happiness, he smiles, letting his index finger run over your cheek, he whispers "Gladly madame..." he leans his head forward, kissing your lips softly-
*she giggles*
-as he breaks the kiss his head strays over to your ear, he whispers so seriously, yet so lovingly "Ma'am, I do believe I love you" he kisses your ear and chuckles-
"come to sweep me off my feet, sweet stranger?"
-he smiles, whispering "I left my white horse and shining armor at home, hopefully a brown Jeep and raggedy clothes will do"-
"with those eyes and those lips, anything would do"
-kisses your forehead lightly before resting his head atop of yours, he says, as though he wants you to hear but at the same time talking to himself "I wouldn't be able to make it without you"-
*she smiles, wrapping her arms gently around your waist* "you're quite the charming man, sir"
-his hands rest upon the sides of your head and he gently pushes you away and lifting your head up so he can look you in the eyes, he smiles back at you, laughing lightly, that semi-serious expression returns "I try my best.."-
"pretty well for trying, sir, because I believe you've stolen my heart, and I'm not going to ask for it back"
-he smiles warmly "Good because I don't want to give it back"
*cups your face in her hands, looking into your eyes.. "I don't need a knight in shining armor, I don't need someone perfect, honestly, I believe all I need is you, kind sir" she smiles*
-he smiles back, chuckling to himself, sighing happily and nodding to you "I'm yours...for as long as you wish to have me, I'll always be here" his hands lay on top of yours "that's a promise madame" he nudges his forehead onto yours-
*a smile spreads across her lips "do you believe in true love, sir?"*
-strokes the tops of your hands with his thumbs, smiling as he watches you smile, he chuckles "Yes ma'am, I believe in you" he giggles quietly to himself and smiles at you, blushing-
Gaaaaaaaaawd it still makes me grin and bubble inside reading this, because it's so damned cute dorky and retarded and I love it.
-leans forward so our noses touch, a semi-serious look on his face- Hi
hi
-with a straight face, our noses still touching, his eyebrow raising as you laugh- Nice weather today, huh?
*glances at your eyes* mmmmhm
-his eyes stay focused onto yours, never moving except to glance back and forth between each eye, the semi-serious expression on his face, he smiles as you do- -his smile fades and his expressions turns back to semi-serious as he continues to look you straight in the eye, our noses still pressing against one another, he whispers in a serious voice- You know ma'am, it's not every day a pretty girl walks up to me on the street and puts there face against mine, is this going to cost me anything? -he smiles warmly-
*"well.." I say, laughing* *she grins "only a kiss"*
-his hand reaches up and his index finger glides against the surface of your lips, as he does so his eyes continue to look straight into yours, his semi-serious expression turns to one of happiness, he smiles, letting his index finger run over your cheek, he whispers "Gladly madame..." he leans his head forward, kissing your lips softly-
*she giggles*
-as he breaks the kiss his head strays over to your ear, he whispers so seriously, yet so lovingly "Ma'am, I do believe I love you" he kisses your ear and chuckles-
"come to sweep me off my feet, sweet stranger?"
-he smiles, whispering "I left my white horse and shining armor at home, hopefully a brown Jeep and raggedy clothes will do"-
"with those eyes and those lips, anything would do"
-kisses your forehead lightly before resting his head atop of yours, he says, as though he wants you to hear but at the same time talking to himself "I wouldn't be able to make it without you"-
*she smiles, wrapping her arms gently around your waist* "you're quite the charming man, sir"
-his hands rest upon the sides of your head and he gently pushes you away and lifting your head up so he can look you in the eyes, he smiles back at you, laughing lightly, that semi-serious expression returns "I try my best.."-
"pretty well for trying, sir, because I believe you've stolen my heart, and I'm not going to ask for it back"
-he smiles warmly "Good because I don't want to give it back"
*cups your face in her hands, looking into your eyes.. "I don't need a knight in shining armor, I don't need someone perfect, honestly, I believe all I need is you, kind sir" she smiles*
-he smiles back, chuckling to himself, sighing happily and nodding to you "I'm yours...for as long as you wish to have me, I'll always be here" his hands lay on top of yours "that's a promise madame" he nudges his forehead onto yours-
*a smile spreads across her lips "do you believe in true love, sir?"*
-strokes the tops of your hands with his thumbs, smiling as he watches you smile, he chuckles "Yes ma'am, I believe in you" he giggles quietly to himself and smiles at you, blushing-
Monday, January 30, 2006
Bwahaha
I just signed up to Audioblogger, so you may be hearing my voice sometime soon. ^__^
Haha. Fuuun. :D
I can harass you all by updating with "HELLO! I'm at school!" "HELLO! I'm in the car!" etc etc.
--
NO SINGING. T___T
That'd be bad. :P
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Anyway, I got an email from Wess. So I'm not worried anymore. He'll be back in April. The noob is like, skipping V-day and my birthday, but whatever. As long as he drags himself here in the summer.
I love him. I want to hug him soo much. I guess I'll have to look through my chat logs and grin at those, as that I can't talk to him. MUSHY=YAY
I'm hungry. And shit, finals. Fiiinals. Scary finals. T__T AHgh.
They start tomorrow morning. I'm waking at 4 AM FOR SURE! :D Man, suddenly three hours doesn't sound like enough.
Haha. Fuuun. :D
I can harass you all by updating with "HELLO! I'm at school!" "HELLO! I'm in the car!" etc etc.
--
NO SINGING. T___T
That'd be bad. :P
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Anyway, I got an email from Wess. So I'm not worried anymore. He'll be back in April. The noob is like, skipping V-day and my birthday, but whatever. As long as he drags himself here in the summer.
I love him. I want to hug him soo much. I guess I'll have to look through my chat logs and grin at those, as that I can't talk to him. MUSHY=YAY
I'm hungry. And shit, finals. Fiiinals. Scary finals. T__T AHgh.
They start tomorrow morning. I'm waking at 4 AM FOR SURE! :D Man, suddenly three hours doesn't sound like enough.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Meh
Talked to Zach, he taught me the joys of.. ccs..? Yeah.
And less worried now.. I think.
And this quote is for Wess-
"Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds" -Franklin Roosevelt
So true.
And less worried now.. I think.
And this quote is for Wess-
"Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds" -Franklin Roosevelt
So true.
Oh Joy
His ex Sammi is talking to me now. Great.
She left a comment on my blog. Not this one, but evil myspace.
Must she increase my paranoia?
Acting like he's pulling on me what he pulled on her. The being 'gone from the internet' when really he just stopped talking to her.
I wish I knew he loved me so much as not to do that to me. But did he not love her?
I hope not to be the same naive girl I was before. I hope that I have nothing to fear, Wess.
I find it funny that you claim to have little trust yet you trust me, and that I claim to trust yet I don't now. My trust.. It comes easy, but only with reassurance.
I pray that you won't betray my trust.
I trust you but will I too much?
Please.
If your heart is mine to break, please don't take mine and break it first.
If you're still convinced that it won't take long for me to find someone else who's 'better for me' and move on from you, then you're a fool.
I write to you in a journal each night. Because I miss you. It was going to be a gift I think? Valentine's day, birthday, something. I was going to write to you and draw things in it and crap, I don't know. Just a book of sweet things.
Now it's turned into a book to write to you in on long nights when I can't sleep.
I dreamt you came back last night. It sucks.
She left a comment on my blog. Not this one, but evil myspace.
Must she increase my paranoia?
Acting like he's pulling on me what he pulled on her. The being 'gone from the internet' when really he just stopped talking to her.
I wish I knew he loved me so much as not to do that to me. But did he not love her?
I hope not to be the same naive girl I was before. I hope that I have nothing to fear, Wess.
I find it funny that you claim to have little trust yet you trust me, and that I claim to trust yet I don't now. My trust.. It comes easy, but only with reassurance.
I pray that you won't betray my trust.
I trust you but will I too much?
Please.
If your heart is mine to break, please don't take mine and break it first.
If you're still convinced that it won't take long for me to find someone else who's 'better for me' and move on from you, then you're a fool.
I write to you in a journal each night. Because I miss you. It was going to be a gift I think? Valentine's day, birthday, something. I was going to write to you and draw things in it and crap, I don't know. Just a book of sweet things.
Now it's turned into a book to write to you in on long nights when I can't sleep.
I dreamt you came back last night. It sucks.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
I have this missing empty feeling inside.. It's.. a pain in the ass.
I mean..
I feel like I have to do something, need something, that something is missing. I've tried cookies, I've tried museums, I've tried going out (yet everything is closed), yet nothing seems to fill this. ..
I want Wess.. I want to talk to him and know he's okay and sleep soundly knowing I'll have messages in the morning.
God how I miss those messages.
I hope I see him again..
I mean..
I feel like I have to do something, need something, that something is missing. I've tried cookies, I've tried museums, I've tried going out (yet everything is closed), yet nothing seems to fill this. ..
I want Wess.. I want to talk to him and know he's okay and sleep soundly knowing I'll have messages in the morning.
God how I miss those messages.
I hope I see him again..
Tishbite
He'll be back..
Cindy thinks he will, so I won't worry.
He loves me. So how could he leave me for good, when he wanted so much to stay with me?
Wess, I promise, you're still in my heart and always will be.
If you are to decide you still want to be with me, I'm here. I'll be here. And I'll be waiting for your return, you know.
Titled Tishbite because at first it was 'tish', but then it reminded me of the song Tishbite by Cocteau Twins. I couldn't remember what the song sounded like or the lyrics, but it seems funny that I am to think of it now, looking it up and listening. The lyrics are this-
Here am I at a loss I
Don't know what to do
Feel like a waterless Nile
Come here just hold me
To feel safe enough to some
Daring to senses sure
A fable look what happens when
I don't risk losing you
There's no guarantee
How are we to know if the response is coming
I'm in the wrong place
Is it like a, is it like a
Is it like a dream
How does it, how does it
(deep background voice)Seem very untrue
Is it like a, Is it like a, is it like a dream
How does it, how does it
(deep background voice)Seem very untrue
I feel a connection, a deep connection
But it's not reflected
In time spent together
It's reflected cycle
Clear imaginary
Is it like a, is it like a, is it like a dream
(this mountain of pleasure)
How does it, how does it, seem very untrue
(oh oh I want to get lost in it)
Is it like a, is it like a, is it like a dream
(sleeping like a baby)
How does it, how does it, seem very untrue
(still you're asleep, still you're asleep)
Is it like a, is it like a, is it like a dream
How does it, how does it, seem very untrue
(oh until I don't know where you end and, I begin
Until I just, carry it in me carry it in me carry it in me
I wanna get lost)
Cindy thinks he will, so I won't worry.
He loves me. So how could he leave me for good, when he wanted so much to stay with me?
Wess, I promise, you're still in my heart and always will be.
If you are to decide you still want to be with me, I'm here. I'll be here. And I'll be waiting for your return, you know.
Titled Tishbite because at first it was 'tish', but then it reminded me of the song Tishbite by Cocteau Twins. I couldn't remember what the song sounded like or the lyrics, but it seems funny that I am to think of it now, looking it up and listening. The lyrics are this-
Here am I at a loss I
Don't know what to do
Feel like a waterless Nile
Come here just hold me
To feel safe enough to some
Daring to senses sure
A fable look what happens when
I don't risk losing you
There's no guarantee
How are we to know if the response is coming
I'm in the wrong place
Is it like a, is it like a
Is it like a dream
How does it, how does it
(deep background voice)Seem very untrue
Is it like a, Is it like a, is it like a dream
How does it, how does it
(deep background voice)Seem very untrue
I feel a connection, a deep connection
But it's not reflected
In time spent together
It's reflected cycle
Clear imaginary
Is it like a, is it like a, is it like a dream
(this mountain of pleasure)
How does it, how does it, seem very untrue
(oh oh I want to get lost in it)
Is it like a, is it like a, is it like a dream
(sleeping like a baby)
How does it, how does it, seem very untrue
(still you're asleep, still you're asleep)
Is it like a, is it like a, is it like a dream
How does it, how does it, seem very untrue
(oh until I don't know where you end and, I begin
Until I just, carry it in me carry it in me carry it in me
I wanna get lost)
Friday, January 27, 2006
Fuck No
As if.
I'm not moving on.
I refuse.
I will not.
I do not.
I shall not.
If I do, well, surprised I'll be.
But NO.
I fucking want Wess, only Wess, no one else.
WESS if you move on and find someone else when I still love you I won't forgive you.
I love you I love you I love you I love you. And I always will.
Bastard.
YOU CAN LEAVE AND BE GONE YEARS BUT I'M NOT GIVING UP ON YOU.
I'll find you, and damn it you'll be mine.
If you still would love me by then, that is beyond me.
Is your heart still mine? Will it be?
You said you weren't going anywhere. Breaking your word, can you at least have the decency to take me back if I come all the way there to ask you once more?
You said yes, two days after she was gone, on the day that I asked you.
When you knew, another long distance relationship, another hell. And you can't know.
If I'm there, face to face, will you believe me? Will you say yes then? Would you love me?
Would you, do you, do you still love me as you said you would?
You said you could find someone else and be happy, you could leave and find someone who was there with you, but..
"I could go find someone else that I don't care about as much and just be happy...
That's not what I want though because they aren't you...they aren't the person who sat by my side the whole time...made me smile through all the worst shit...
Fuck Tanya, I don't care what you're like in person....right here and now I'm saying I don't give a shit
Even if I find something about you that annoys the shit out of me, I will still stay with you until you flick me off your shoulder because I care about you so damn much..."
"I don't want it to end, I don't want it to....I'll say it again
I DONT WANT IT TO END"
You said this.. You said this- you said this you said this you said this. Can I believe you meant it? Was it just a breakdown, or did you mean those words?
Why were you so afraid of me leaving, when you were the one who left?
It's so... ironic.
Boys can never hold up to Valentine's Day. Do you know, to this day, a boy has never given me a Valentine. Bitches.
Two said they'd send me a birthday present and never did. Valentine's day just went by with no questions asked.
At least Wess had the decency to send me an xmas present.
So I know he's not like they were.
Still bugs me how February seems to bring so much shit.
Yaa.. Time to find things to pass the time. As I wait for days months to pass.. So I can see him.
I want to see him.
I will go there one day. Maybe soon. Maybe not. But I will. I want to fucking hug him. I've waited too long. I will be waiting longer.
But I can wait. And I will.
Fuck boys. Go to hell. I'm not date material. Because I fucking will not be dating.
Pishhh..
*glare*
:P I don't really have to worry though. That guy asking me for my picture was a fluke.
If a guy ever asks me out I will be laughing. I still don't see that happening.
But I'm not going to ever ask anyone out.
Because I'm stubborn.
AND I LOVE WESS.
*hiss*
*pout*
I'm not going anywhere you fucking retard. I'm staying right here and I'll be seeing you.
T_T.
I'm not moving on.
I refuse.
I will not.
I do not.
I shall not.
If I do, well, surprised I'll be.
But NO.
I fucking want Wess, only Wess, no one else.
WESS if you move on and find someone else when I still love you I won't forgive you.
I love you I love you I love you I love you. And I always will.
Bastard.
YOU CAN LEAVE AND BE GONE YEARS BUT I'M NOT GIVING UP ON YOU.
I'll find you, and damn it you'll be mine.
If you still would love me by then, that is beyond me.
Is your heart still mine? Will it be?
You said you weren't going anywhere. Breaking your word, can you at least have the decency to take me back if I come all the way there to ask you once more?
You said yes, two days after she was gone, on the day that I asked you.
When you knew, another long distance relationship, another hell. And you can't know.
If I'm there, face to face, will you believe me? Will you say yes then? Would you love me?
Would you, do you, do you still love me as you said you would?
You said you could find someone else and be happy, you could leave and find someone who was there with you, but..
"I could go find someone else that I don't care about as much and just be happy...
That's not what I want though because they aren't you...they aren't the person who sat by my side the whole time...made me smile through all the worst shit...
Fuck Tanya, I don't care what you're like in person....right here and now I'm saying I don't give a shit
Even if I find something about you that annoys the shit out of me, I will still stay with you until you flick me off your shoulder because I care about you so damn much..."
"I don't want it to end, I don't want it to....I'll say it again
I DONT WANT IT TO END"
You said this.. You said this- you said this you said this you said this. Can I believe you meant it? Was it just a breakdown, or did you mean those words?
Why were you so afraid of me leaving, when you were the one who left?
It's so... ironic.
Boys can never hold up to Valentine's Day. Do you know, to this day, a boy has never given me a Valentine. Bitches.
Two said they'd send me a birthday present and never did. Valentine's day just went by with no questions asked.
At least Wess had the decency to send me an xmas present.
So I know he's not like they were.
Still bugs me how February seems to bring so much shit.
Yaa.. Time to find things to pass the time. As I wait for days months to pass.. So I can see him.
I want to see him.
I will go there one day. Maybe soon. Maybe not. But I will. I want to fucking hug him. I've waited too long. I will be waiting longer.
But I can wait. And I will.
Fuck boys. Go to hell. I'm not date material. Because I fucking will not be dating.
Pishhh..
*glare*
:P I don't really have to worry though. That guy asking me for my picture was a fluke.
If a guy ever asks me out I will be laughing. I still don't see that happening.
But I'm not going to ever ask anyone out.
Because I'm stubborn.
AND I LOVE WESS.
*hiss*
*pout*
I'm not going anywhere you fucking retard. I'm staying right here and I'll be seeing you.
T_T.
Absence
He's not talking to any of his friends anymore, the only people he'll talk to is his family, so yeah. He's disconnecting from all the people he's known. Disconnect from all the requirements of friendship.
Honestly, I wish I could do the same thing.
I'm basically single again. Sucks.
Because I love him and I'm not going anywhere and I don't plan on loving anyone else.
I want Wess and Wess alone. So unless I somehow meet the person who I'm really supposed to be with, I'm waiting for him. And I'll find him. I'll come to New York if I have to, in about two years, if it's that long with no sign from him. I'm not letting him just drop out of my life. I'm not letting such a wonderful guy just disappear.
He thinks I'll soon move on from him. That I'll 'find people to make me happy'. Yeah sure. I'll keep my eyes open and myself unbound but I'm not going to ever 'move on' from him. I love him. I'm surprised I'm not having breakdowns. But I guess it's because, I know.. I'll see him again someday. And if he doesn't come, I'm going there. I refuse to have this be the end of it.
Mom says to me- well, they're getting a little better every time. She means, the guys I fall for.
--
I've been on four different medications now I think. None really work. Pish.
Back on the one I first tried. Because it makes me sleep better, and supposedly I seem more 'up' when I'm on it, though I can't really tell myself.
Whatever. To hell with meds. Socially anxious and forever that way. Who cares. At least it makes me different from the dumb teenagers of this generation.
I have a headache. Fucking finals. Fucking six page paper. I spent all night doing it because the night I had to work on my six page paper, was the night that Wess left me.
So I didn't go to school today. Because I stayed up till 3 AM writing my paper.
I hate this.. I'm getting queasy because I'm thinking. Tomorrow's Saturday. The next day is Sunday. The next day, I'm SCREWED!
I dislike weekends only because I know school is coming back.
'Dear Wess..' is what I write in my journal now.
Honestly, I wish I could do the same thing.
I'm basically single again. Sucks.
Because I love him and I'm not going anywhere and I don't plan on loving anyone else.
I want Wess and Wess alone. So unless I somehow meet the person who I'm really supposed to be with, I'm waiting for him. And I'll find him. I'll come to New York if I have to, in about two years, if it's that long with no sign from him. I'm not letting him just drop out of my life. I'm not letting such a wonderful guy just disappear.
He thinks I'll soon move on from him. That I'll 'find people to make me happy'. Yeah sure. I'll keep my eyes open and myself unbound but I'm not going to ever 'move on' from him. I love him. I'm surprised I'm not having breakdowns. But I guess it's because, I know.. I'll see him again someday. And if he doesn't come, I'm going there. I refuse to have this be the end of it.
Mom says to me- well, they're getting a little better every time. She means, the guys I fall for.
--
I've been on four different medications now I think. None really work. Pish.
Back on the one I first tried. Because it makes me sleep better, and supposedly I seem more 'up' when I'm on it, though I can't really tell myself.
Whatever. To hell with meds. Socially anxious and forever that way. Who cares. At least it makes me different from the dumb teenagers of this generation.
I have a headache. Fucking finals. Fucking six page paper. I spent all night doing it because the night I had to work on my six page paper, was the night that Wess left me.
So I didn't go to school today. Because I stayed up till 3 AM writing my paper.
I hate this.. I'm getting queasy because I'm thinking. Tomorrow's Saturday. The next day is Sunday. The next day, I'm SCREWED!
I dislike weekends only because I know school is coming back.
'Dear Wess..' is what I write in my journal now.
Ten Minutes
Laughing. "nooo~! No no no let go~!~ haha" She pulls at my jacket. "No wonder you're cold, your hood's wet!!" She continues to tug at my jacket "ahhh no let go I'm cooold.." I cling to my jacket, but she manages to yank it from me even so. "Now it's time to go downstairs!" "nooo! I wanna write!!!" "If you write you're gonna be like 'waah' and such so let's go scrapbook!" "I'll be like 'wah' either way!" "Scarpbooking is better. Move." She pulls my chair and I curl into a ball and try to detach her hands from the arms of the chair. "Give me five minutes!!" "No way! You said eight!" "But I want to wriiite!" She pulls me by the legs out of the chair and I cling to it with my arms wrapped around it. "I'm not going!"
"Fine! Ten minutes! What do you want me to do, pour a bucket of water on your head if you stay longer?" "No way" "You're done by 8:16! And I mean done!"
So here I am with five minutes to type.
When I said on my other site with a laugh, 'haha Wess you were right about me being an idiot to think other guys didn't have interest'... I'm not happy.
Honestly, I am not going to move on from him.
I am not cannot. If I do, well, amazing. But I want HIM and I want HIM ALONE. I want my dear Wess. I don't want some hot guy to sweep me off my feet. I want the one that was there when I needed him. I want Wess.
I don't want anyone else.
I will not. Wess, I will not forgive you if you find someone else and move on, if I still love you by the time everything is straightened out.
I love you. So fucking wait for me, please.
Please come back someday.. Please find me. Please stop at my door and surprise me. Please.
If not I'll have to find you.. Somehow save up enough money to go to New York, be overwhelmed and afraid because of the crowds, be stressed... Find you. A whole ticket for one simple question... Do I still have a chance? Is your heart still mine to break?
"Fine! Ten minutes! What do you want me to do, pour a bucket of water on your head if you stay longer?" "No way" "You're done by 8:16! And I mean done!"
So here I am with five minutes to type.
When I said on my other site with a laugh, 'haha Wess you were right about me being an idiot to think other guys didn't have interest'... I'm not happy.
Honestly, I am not going to move on from him.
I am not cannot. If I do, well, amazing. But I want HIM and I want HIM ALONE. I want my dear Wess. I don't want some hot guy to sweep me off my feet. I want the one that was there when I needed him. I want Wess.
I don't want anyone else.
I will not. Wess, I will not forgive you if you find someone else and move on, if I still love you by the time everything is straightened out.
I love you. So fucking wait for me, please.
Please come back someday.. Please find me. Please stop at my door and surprise me. Please.
If not I'll have to find you.. Somehow save up enough money to go to New York, be overwhelmed and afraid because of the crowds, be stressed... Find you. A whole ticket for one simple question... Do I still have a chance? Is your heart still mine to break?
To Malila
*chews on the chocolate cake for consolation* T_T XD
Well well, it's crazy.
Note that my boyfriend is no longer on my friends list. And if you follow the link, he has removed all of his friends.
He's starting over. Meaning.. He's not talking to his internet friends anymore, and he's not going to talk to anyone. He's getting his new job and he's trying to get it all together because he's been depressed and stressed lately.
By the way it sounds, I won't be hearing from him in a number of years.
Pisses me off that he leaves just before valentine's day and my bday.
So basically he's going to concentrate on his career and getting a stable life. In the meantime he's leaving me to do as I wish, never talking to me again.
It's really depressing. It's only been today.. and I'm already feeling sick thinking of how I'll miss his voice and all that stuff. I guess it'll be good for me to date and all that junk, but honestly, I don't think I'll get much further than infatuation with anyone else.
So.. *sigh* I'm going to try not to think about it. If I'm still alone next year and then the year after that- then I'll work on meeting up with him again, to see if he still wants to be with me and is ready with his life in control. To meet him and see if it's meant to be.
Ah well..
Well well, it's crazy.
Note that my boyfriend is no longer on my friends list. And if you follow the link, he has removed all of his friends.
He's starting over. Meaning.. He's not talking to his internet friends anymore, and he's not going to talk to anyone. He's getting his new job and he's trying to get it all together because he's been depressed and stressed lately.
By the way it sounds, I won't be hearing from him in a number of years.
Pisses me off that he leaves just before valentine's day and my bday.
So basically he's going to concentrate on his career and getting a stable life. In the meantime he's leaving me to do as I wish, never talking to me again.
It's really depressing. It's only been today.. and I'm already feeling sick thinking of how I'll miss his voice and all that stuff. I guess it'll be good for me to date and all that junk, but honestly, I don't think I'll get much further than infatuation with anyone else.
So.. *sigh* I'm going to try not to think about it. If I'm still alone next year and then the year after that- then I'll work on meeting up with him again, to see if he still wants to be with me and is ready with his life in control. To meet him and see if it's meant to be.
Ah well..
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Fuck
Dying. Dead. Fuck.
Why the hell is my life a sad movie.. Exactly.. a sad movie.
Walk off into the sunset. Say maybe we'll meet again.. Time will tell.. Goodbye.
Why why why why does February.. *teary eyes*
I don't.. Want to..
Head spinning heart breaking god it's not even me.
Can't think. Can't breathe. Can't think.
He's gone... I'm never.. Going to see him again. Why so suddenly. Why February.. Why February.
If I still love you, three years from now, I'm going to find you. I swear it.. I will find you. However long it takes to find your name that's erased from the phonebooks, however much time it takes to search all of NYC. I will find you..
Fate spins and spins me around and around and around. "I'm not like them" he says but how do I know that fate always has a way of doing this?
But, for his sake. For his life his sanity his happiness.
I'm no longer waiting. If I have him I'll take him. And I'm not bound by anything but my own wishes and desires.
Oh but dizzy.. Nothing but dizzy.
You fall in love and they say they have their life to discover. They want a fresh start. They will never speak to me, never speak to their friends, never speak to anyone again.
I've just lost another..
I hope I don't start crying at school.
"-smiles- If years by now, you honestly feel that way...you'll find a way...-takes your hand in his and squeezes it gently before walking off-"
Fuck. *crying* Fuck.
Why the hell is my life a sad movie.. Exactly.. a sad movie.
Walk off into the sunset. Say maybe we'll meet again.. Time will tell.. Goodbye.
Why why why why does February.. *teary eyes*
I don't.. Want to..
Head spinning heart breaking god it's not even me.
Can't think. Can't breathe. Can't think.
He's gone... I'm never.. Going to see him again. Why so suddenly. Why February.. Why February.
If I still love you, three years from now, I'm going to find you. I swear it.. I will find you. However long it takes to find your name that's erased from the phonebooks, however much time it takes to search all of NYC. I will find you..
Fate spins and spins me around and around and around. "I'm not like them" he says but how do I know that fate always has a way of doing this?
But, for his sake. For his life his sanity his happiness.
I'm no longer waiting. If I have him I'll take him. And I'm not bound by anything but my own wishes and desires.
Oh but dizzy.. Nothing but dizzy.
You fall in love and they say they have their life to discover. They want a fresh start. They will never speak to me, never speak to their friends, never speak to anyone again.
I've just lost another..
I hope I don't start crying at school.
"-smiles- If years by now, you honestly feel that way...you'll find a way...-takes your hand in his and squeezes it gently before walking off-"
Fuck. *crying* Fuck.
Halah
Maybe I hold you to blame for all the reasons that you left.
And close my eyes ’till I see your surprise
And you’re leaving before my time.
Baby won’t you change your mind?
And close my eyes ’till I see your surprise
And you’re leaving before my time.
Baby won’t you change your mind?
Fuck for God's Sake
Why the fuck is February.. My birthday, valentines day, CURSED?
FUCK fuck ..
No fair no fair no fair I told you so damn it. I told you so.
I have a fucking perfect perfect guy.. and I don't.. want.. to risk losing him. No no. I don't wanna risk it. I don't want to even think about it..
*points*
MOM! DEAL WITH IT PLEASE!!
PLEASE make it better.
Please please help me it's killing me.
I hate finals I FUCKING hate finals I hate papers I hate papers and I hate the timing of everything bad in my life!!! TO HELL with all of it!!!! To hell with paranoia and pain and stress! To hell with all that makes my life a living hell!
Bye
FUCK fuck ..
No fair no fair no fair I told you so damn it. I told you so.
I have a fucking perfect perfect guy.. and I don't.. want.. to risk losing him. No no. I don't wanna risk it. I don't want to even think about it..
*points*
MOM! DEAL WITH IT PLEASE!!
PLEASE make it better.
Please please help me it's killing me.
I hate finals I FUCKING hate finals I hate papers I hate papers and I hate the timing of everything bad in my life!!! TO HELL with all of it!!!! To hell with paranoia and pain and stress! To hell with all that makes my life a living hell!
Bye
Monday, January 23, 2006
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Shut Up Shape Up And Stop Whining
Being so negative that it makes me sick.
I'm going to stop that, right now..
I will be fine. He will be fine. It'll be fine. Worse happened, yet it goes fine again in a few days max. He loves me and he will forgive me.. (although a lump in my throat says no to that one).
I'm not an asshole I'm just naive and stubborn..
I'm not I'm not. Even if someone thought I was an asshole I wouldn't be because I know myself better than that. I don't mean any harm ever ever. And how much it hurts me just to upset a friend or loved one shows how deep it runs.
If he can't forgive me to hell with him. Because.. I.. can't change that I'm an idiot in these little ways.. I can't.. I'm not perfect.. I'm far from perfect.. I have so many little flaws and things that are strange about me, off, not right..
Like how no matter what I can't seem to age. I feel just as I have since I was 11.. And it seems, no matter what happens, I can't erase the childish things and mistakes that I made at that age.. They just.. Keep happening.
I'm just.. messed up in a lot of ways. I fear people, crowds, I get jittery and I'm so in need of love that it's strange. I need reassurance that I have a point in this world, I need to be told over and over, like a renewal, a promise that grows dusty until attention comes to it once again. I can't absorb love, I can't understand, I can't get how anyone could stay with me and how anyone could see anything in me.
Did you know I'd lose my legs if I only knew that someone would always be there to help me through each day?
Did you know I've been wishing desperately for someone to be there for me since I was a child? And it doesn't fade..
Did you know I don't speak in fear that my words will be off, awkward, at the wrong time, or taken wrong..?
I'm not reassured that you won't leave me. I'm not.. I don't know why. I feel like someday you'll just be so so sick of it all.. We're all human, why would you stay if you had no reason left to?
I don't know how much you love me. If a lot is so much, even if I knew how much to a sort of measurement, it would be beyond me. Because I don't know what love is.. Not... I know what it is but.. I know how it feels, what it is.. But I don't know how far it goes, what it really means when you say you do. I don't know how much you mean it, I don't have anything to show me but you saying it.. And you know, I feel like it's gone when I hurt you.
My head clears as I know how I feel and why I do.
First off, I hate to hurt anything, anyone, ever. Second, I'm afraid it outweighs the good things I do for you and the happiness I give you. And I'm afraid you'll leave me, at the back of my head.
As the days go by, I also fear I won't speak to you again. I fear we'll be separated, more distanced than we are now.
I'm terribly overwhelmed..
I'm afraid that the last days I can talk to you will be spent this way.. Upsetting you, messing things up, not being able to talk to you all day, and having few conversations. I hate to think that the last days I can talk to you, I can't talk to you.
Sigh.
I'm going to stop that, right now..
I will be fine. He will be fine. It'll be fine. Worse happened, yet it goes fine again in a few days max. He loves me and he will forgive me.. (although a lump in my throat says no to that one).
I'm not an asshole I'm just naive and stubborn..
I'm not I'm not. Even if someone thought I was an asshole I wouldn't be because I know myself better than that. I don't mean any harm ever ever. And how much it hurts me just to upset a friend or loved one shows how deep it runs.
If he can't forgive me to hell with him. Because.. I.. can't change that I'm an idiot in these little ways.. I can't.. I'm not perfect.. I'm far from perfect.. I have so many little flaws and things that are strange about me, off, not right..
Like how no matter what I can't seem to age. I feel just as I have since I was 11.. And it seems, no matter what happens, I can't erase the childish things and mistakes that I made at that age.. They just.. Keep happening.
I'm just.. messed up in a lot of ways. I fear people, crowds, I get jittery and I'm so in need of love that it's strange. I need reassurance that I have a point in this world, I need to be told over and over, like a renewal, a promise that grows dusty until attention comes to it once again. I can't absorb love, I can't understand, I can't get how anyone could stay with me and how anyone could see anything in me.
Did you know I'd lose my legs if I only knew that someone would always be there to help me through each day?
Did you know I've been wishing desperately for someone to be there for me since I was a child? And it doesn't fade..
Did you know I don't speak in fear that my words will be off, awkward, at the wrong time, or taken wrong..?
I'm not reassured that you won't leave me. I'm not.. I don't know why. I feel like someday you'll just be so so sick of it all.. We're all human, why would you stay if you had no reason left to?
I don't know how much you love me. If a lot is so much, even if I knew how much to a sort of measurement, it would be beyond me. Because I don't know what love is.. Not... I know what it is but.. I know how it feels, what it is.. But I don't know how far it goes, what it really means when you say you do. I don't know how much you mean it, I don't have anything to show me but you saying it.. And you know, I feel like it's gone when I hurt you.
My head clears as I know how I feel and why I do.
First off, I hate to hurt anything, anyone, ever. Second, I'm afraid it outweighs the good things I do for you and the happiness I give you. And I'm afraid you'll leave me, at the back of my head.
As the days go by, I also fear I won't speak to you again. I fear we'll be separated, more distanced than we are now.
I'm terribly overwhelmed..
I'm afraid that the last days I can talk to you will be spent this way.. Upsetting you, messing things up, not being able to talk to you all day, and having few conversations. I hate to think that the last days I can talk to you, I can't talk to you.
Sigh.
Please
God just please tell me you love me and that you don't care. Please please tell me you don't care. Please tell me I'm not as useless and stupid as I feel now. Please tell me that you forgive me. Please please just relieve me of this.. Please don't leave like that.. Please don't leave me to feel like this alone.. Please don't give me the night to wonder why you stay.. Please.
Light to dark.
I had a really nice day today.. Truly.
Did well in guitar lessons, got my award for first place, felt embarrassed of my crappy art but felt good, I was giddy giddy taping everyone and everything, and we were all being dorky and dumb and it was making me laugh and grin quite a bit.
I notice..
Every really good day ends sad. Every really sad day ends happy.
I wish I could just have a stable normal life, knowing the good days would stay good and the bad bad, but then will be good again...
It happens every time.. I swear..
Did well in guitar lessons, got my award for first place, felt embarrassed of my crappy art but felt good, I was giddy giddy taping everyone and everything, and we were all being dorky and dumb and it was making me laugh and grin quite a bit.
I notice..
Every really good day ends sad. Every really sad day ends happy.
I wish I could just have a stable normal life, knowing the good days would stay good and the bad bad, but then will be good again...
It happens every time.. I swear..
"course I'm fine, because as long as I'm alive and not in physical pain I'm fine, but I still feel like shit -__- last two/three days I haven't been able to talk really much with wess, and when I do I annoy him.. gives me sick feelings and thoughts such as wondering why he bothers to stay as that I'm always such a pain in the ass"
God with every minute I feel worse and with every moment my mind races and thinks of another reason why I should be stabbed multiple times and left to die.
I feel like the water has just gone over my head. I'm drowning on thoughts and I'm submerged in such a cold feeling. The cold so cold that it makes you burn.
And god I'm sounding so... ...
I want to talk and talk and shout and write until this feeling goes away, but it's not.. And I just sound worse and worse.
With every other breath I can feel a tingling tinge in my veins. It's a strange sensation. Like your heart is sending little shocks down your wrists to clench your hands.
Maybe I'd best curl up and.. Oh how do I think of nice things, how do I daydream about someone knowing they're upset with me?
God with every minute I feel worse and with every moment my mind races and thinks of another reason why I should be stabbed multiple times and left to die.
I feel like the water has just gone over my head. I'm drowning on thoughts and I'm submerged in such a cold feeling. The cold so cold that it makes you burn.
And god I'm sounding so... ...
I want to talk and talk and shout and write until this feeling goes away, but it's not.. And I just sound worse and worse.
With every other breath I can feel a tingling tinge in my veins. It's a strange sensation. Like your heart is sending little shocks down your wrists to clench your hands.
Maybe I'd best curl up and.. Oh how do I think of nice things, how do I daydream about someone knowing they're upset with me?
Mmph..
Sick headache. Sick to stomach sick sick to my cold hands and my lip beneath my teeth, almost flushed face and a glued facial expression I can't seem to wipe off.
I'm not a good friend. I'm not good at these things. I don't know when to keep my mouth shut, I really don't.
I've had my mouth shut all my life- maybe that's why I always can't keep my feelings to myself, when I have the chance to express them. I can't stay quiet in my mind, my fingers move before what I know is right, and it comes easier when not from your own mouth.
It's the only thing I really hate about myself. When I manage to selfishly stubbornly push it all too far, and once I realize it, my insides turn to ice, my heart in my throat, my moral screams 'you bitch' and I feel like an asshole for many more days, and feel like I ruined everything.
Heelp me to the only person online. Though I fake it with just normal conversation.
Talk to me and don't let me upset you. Please please tell me I won't upset you.
Course receiving no response, is just dandy.
Simple words and I sit and wait and wish someone would talk to me without me doing something wrong.
Them going idle just as I speak to them - even more dandy.
I'll go curl up and die now because I feel terrible. Why can't I grow up?? Why can't I learn, why can't I be normal? Why couldn't I have learned from the few friends I spoke to and the few times when I knew how it felt?
God I've said this all before. It's saddening.
I remember these exact words.
the whole..
Why can't I shut up shut up shut up? Why can't I stop? Why can't I keep my feelings to myself? Why do I keep hurting people? Why can't I stop? Why can't I just keep my god damned mouth shut? DO I ever do anything but harm? Can I do anything but hurt people? I'm just a shitty burden and I can't believe me. I keep.. On.. Fucking.. Screwing it all up. Why is it when the only thing I want in the world is to be wanted and make people happy, I make people sad and make people hate me? Why can't I be a better friend? Why do I have to be so stupid? Why do I?? Why can't I learn from these times? Why do I so badly always want to know? Why can't I just not wonder?
Remembering that makes me feel worse. Mmph mmph mmph.
Bite my tongue and shut up shut shut up. God I wish I could.
I wish you knew, always, why.
Wish you could just read my mind and know why. And please, please please please not take me seriously. Stop listening to me... Please.
Just shake me by the shoulders and tell me.. Tell me something I can understand. Understand I'm a stupid child inside who wonders naively everything and she won't stop asking why why why and please don't take it like I know how to be anything but a little kid. Tell me WHY. Why. Why won't you tell me.
Because I don't know, don't understand.
I'm given it too much, too much!
'I don't want to tell you' 'I can't tell you'
Saved by the online person coming back. I laugh at the simplicity of my emotions and how how.. Just.. I don't even know. How easy I am to save yet how hard it is to find someone who does. Or how easy it would be to cheer up, yet I don't.
God I feel like such such such an asshole and such an idiot. I hate it~
The only thing I can't do in life, the only thing I can't do, the one thing I really can't forgive myself for- hurting people I care about. It makes me die inside and makes me hate my head my heart and all about me.
Please ignore this..
Just another night with something I regret.
I'll.. get.. over it.
But right now I need to curl up in a corner and die for all I'm worth.
I'm not like you guys. These things really really bother me. I can't just shrug and say, I make mistakes. I can't say I'll learn, because I FUCKING never have never do.
Argh again I just want to rot away so I'll stop bothering people. My blood tingles in my veins and eyes sting warm.
sane side says, god, why do I have to worry my friends like this.
See, I'm just afraid to hurt people. Afraid to say anything, because I'm going to hurt someone.
These times, I feel like all I can do is bad, and suddenly everything good I ever did just fades away and is so weighed out by the bad I do, I feel I'm undeserving, I feel I shouldn't have anything.
God I used to do this all the time. I'll shut up now. Gotta learn how to do that.
I'm not a good friend. I'm not good at these things. I don't know when to keep my mouth shut, I really don't.
I've had my mouth shut all my life- maybe that's why I always can't keep my feelings to myself, when I have the chance to express them. I can't stay quiet in my mind, my fingers move before what I know is right, and it comes easier when not from your own mouth.
It's the only thing I really hate about myself. When I manage to selfishly stubbornly push it all too far, and once I realize it, my insides turn to ice, my heart in my throat, my moral screams 'you bitch' and I feel like an asshole for many more days, and feel like I ruined everything.
Heelp me to the only person online. Though I fake it with just normal conversation.
Talk to me and don't let me upset you. Please please tell me I won't upset you.
Course receiving no response, is just dandy.
Simple words and I sit and wait and wish someone would talk to me without me doing something wrong.
Them going idle just as I speak to them - even more dandy.
I'll go curl up and die now because I feel terrible. Why can't I grow up?? Why can't I learn, why can't I be normal? Why couldn't I have learned from the few friends I spoke to and the few times when I knew how it felt?
God I've said this all before. It's saddening.
I remember these exact words.
the whole..
Why can't I shut up shut up shut up? Why can't I stop? Why can't I keep my feelings to myself? Why do I keep hurting people? Why can't I stop? Why can't I just keep my god damned mouth shut? DO I ever do anything but harm? Can I do anything but hurt people? I'm just a shitty burden and I can't believe me. I keep.. On.. Fucking.. Screwing it all up. Why is it when the only thing I want in the world is to be wanted and make people happy, I make people sad and make people hate me? Why can't I be a better friend? Why do I have to be so stupid? Why do I?? Why can't I learn from these times? Why do I so badly always want to know? Why can't I just not wonder?
Remembering that makes me feel worse. Mmph mmph mmph.
Bite my tongue and shut up shut shut up. God I wish I could.
I wish you knew, always, why.
Wish you could just read my mind and know why. And please, please please please not take me seriously. Stop listening to me... Please.
Just shake me by the shoulders and tell me.. Tell me something I can understand. Understand I'm a stupid child inside who wonders naively everything and she won't stop asking why why why and please don't take it like I know how to be anything but a little kid. Tell me WHY. Why. Why won't you tell me.
Because I don't know, don't understand.
I'm given it too much, too much!
'I don't want to tell you' 'I can't tell you'
Saved by the online person coming back. I laugh at the simplicity of my emotions and how how.. Just.. I don't even know. How easy I am to save yet how hard it is to find someone who does. Or how easy it would be to cheer up, yet I don't.
God I feel like such such such an asshole and such an idiot. I hate it~
The only thing I can't do in life, the only thing I can't do, the one thing I really can't forgive myself for- hurting people I care about. It makes me die inside and makes me hate my head my heart and all about me.
Please ignore this..
Just another night with something I regret.
I'll.. get.. over it.
But right now I need to curl up in a corner and die for all I'm worth.
I'm not like you guys. These things really really bother me. I can't just shrug and say, I make mistakes. I can't say I'll learn, because I FUCKING never have never do.
Argh again I just want to rot away so I'll stop bothering people. My blood tingles in my veins and eyes sting warm.
sane side says, god, why do I have to worry my friends like this.
See, I'm just afraid to hurt people. Afraid to say anything, because I'm going to hurt someone.
These times, I feel like all I can do is bad, and suddenly everything good I ever did just fades away and is so weighed out by the bad I do, I feel I'm undeserving, I feel I shouldn't have anything.
God I used to do this all the time. I'll shut up now. Gotta learn how to do that.
Strange Dreams
I don't remember it all.
I dreamt a woman died. So... I burned her with a lighter, and ate her.
I saved a piece of her dress. Black lace.
I wrote a story about her, and wondered, did anyone know how much it all meant?
I dreamt a woman died. So... I burned her with a lighter, and ate her.
I saved a piece of her dress. Black lace.
I wrote a story about her, and wondered, did anyone know how much it all meant?
Wess is Being a Noob/ Wess is Cute
-___-
Baaah.
Anyway. Yesterday he said he'd talk to me more/ (*cough*) be gushy after he watched the movie. I leave for five minutes, the movie had apparently ended and he started up another one which he couldn't stop because he payed for it. Fool!
And today I waited for him for a good hour and he came to say he was watching a horror movie with his brother and then anime after that, and he'd be here in an hour and a half, 'if you're lucky'.
-_______-
Hiss.
Wess owes me big time.
He always does but he owes me more now.
Weird how he has more and less of a life than I at the same time.
--
Besides being really annoyed at him, he's really cute. Sweet, adorable. <3
If he didn't have that cutesy 'I love you so much' side I wouldn't be very tolerant. :P
*laughs and shakes head*
Baaah.
Anyway. Yesterday he said he'd talk to me more/ (*cough*) be gushy after he watched the movie. I leave for five minutes, the movie had apparently ended and he started up another one which he couldn't stop because he payed for it. Fool!
And today I waited for him for a good hour and he came to say he was watching a horror movie with his brother and then anime after that, and he'd be here in an hour and a half, 'if you're lucky'.
-_______-
Hiss.
Wess owes me big time.
He always does but he owes me more now.
Weird how he has more and less of a life than I at the same time.
--
Besides being really annoyed at him, he's really cute. Sweet, adorable. <3
If he didn't have that cutesy 'I love you so much' side I wouldn't be very tolerant. :P
*laughs and shakes head*
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Haha..
I like to spam Wess as much as possible in my free time.
Mostly myspace, just because it's the easiest way to do so. Myspace suck sucks sucks but it's good if you pretend the dumb teenagers residing there don't exist.
About six comments a day on his page. Spam spam spam.. But it's fun.
He gave me ten comments once. My email was flooded with 'you have a new message from Crossdressing Nun' which was really funny. Yeah, that's his username, he changes it to something random every few weeks. My username is 'Tanya... Wishes she could be a flaming dragqueen' ; which is actually true. I see that as really fun, being able to express yourself so boldly..
Having a boyfriend is really really fun. Sucks sometimes because you miss them, but it's fuun..
Long-distance, especially tricky. But you learn to appreciate all you get from it. The little things mean so much, which is why if it works out it tends to be a good relationship.. Just because.. Love grows with distance, and the more you miss them the more you appreciate them being there when they are.
I may see Wess for the first time in some months, but I don't know. Someday. Hopefully in less than a year.
I should go to bed now...
Mostly myspace, just because it's the easiest way to do so. Myspace suck sucks sucks but it's good if you pretend the dumb teenagers residing there don't exist.
About six comments a day on his page. Spam spam spam.. But it's fun.
He gave me ten comments once. My email was flooded with 'you have a new message from Crossdressing Nun' which was really funny. Yeah, that's his username, he changes it to something random every few weeks. My username is 'Tanya... Wishes she could be a flaming dragqueen' ; which is actually true. I see that as really fun, being able to express yourself so boldly..
Having a boyfriend is really really fun. Sucks sometimes because you miss them, but it's fuun..
Long-distance, especially tricky. But you learn to appreciate all you get from it. The little things mean so much, which is why if it works out it tends to be a good relationship.. Just because.. Love grows with distance, and the more you miss them the more you appreciate them being there when they are.
I may see Wess for the first time in some months, but I don't know. Someday. Hopefully in less than a year.
I should go to bed now...
Hi
Long time no update.. What can I tell you about...
Somehow I managed to get first place in the photography section of Seattle's Reflections, a little thing for elementary school to high school where you can submit art and have it judged and displayed.
My mom wanted me to submit something because it'd 'look good for my resume' blah blah so I did. Just took what I could find. And to my surprise it got 1st... Strange strange strange. It was my little photography I did when I was bored, that I later decided was my statement that society puts too much pressure on women to look beautiful, and that makeup is an ugly thing.
So now it's moving on to state, wonder how far it'll get.
If I get first in state I'll laugh, because that's pathetic. Mine's plain old digital color photography, dramatic yet unprofessional. We'll see..
--
Dear Wess got back to sleeping right, his sleeping schedule was absolutely crazy some days ago, he'd wake at 1 AM, then sleep during the day and wake again at night.. And even so he didn't get much sleep. He finally got a lot of sleep at 10 PM day before yesterday I think, and he got really good sleep.. Which is pretty rare for him. Anyway, he went to bed again at 10 PM, 8 PM my time, so I'm glad because I'll get to see him more.
To my disappointment I managed to miss him by 15 minutes, or at least, he was idle 15 minutes when I got there, and I didn't get to talk to him before he decided to go to bed. As that he was gloomy, he didn't even say hi.
This morning I woke up 15 minutes too late too, which is highly irritating, because I've not been able to talk to him much when his sleeping was messed up, and now that I can, I keep missing him just by a bit.
Tomorrow morning I'm going to try really hard not to fall back to sleep.. I'm going to wake up at 4 AM and stay awake. Probably see him at 5 AM, which is 8 AM his time.. Yeah.
Japanese is such a hard class. I feel like I missed something... Always.. Like I missed some key explanation.. I think it's because I wasn't taught some of the things..
Like the kanji combining thing.. And Katakana... *sigh*
I hope I can pass the final.
Somehow I managed to get first place in the photography section of Seattle's Reflections, a little thing for elementary school to high school where you can submit art and have it judged and displayed.
My mom wanted me to submit something because it'd 'look good for my resume' blah blah so I did. Just took what I could find. And to my surprise it got 1st... Strange strange strange. It was my little photography I did when I was bored, that I later decided was my statement that society puts too much pressure on women to look beautiful, and that makeup is an ugly thing.
So now it's moving on to state, wonder how far it'll get.
If I get first in state I'll laugh, because that's pathetic. Mine's plain old digital color photography, dramatic yet unprofessional. We'll see..
--
Dear Wess got back to sleeping right, his sleeping schedule was absolutely crazy some days ago, he'd wake at 1 AM, then sleep during the day and wake again at night.. And even so he didn't get much sleep. He finally got a lot of sleep at 10 PM day before yesterday I think, and he got really good sleep.. Which is pretty rare for him. Anyway, he went to bed again at 10 PM, 8 PM my time, so I'm glad because I'll get to see him more.
To my disappointment I managed to miss him by 15 minutes, or at least, he was idle 15 minutes when I got there, and I didn't get to talk to him before he decided to go to bed. As that he was gloomy, he didn't even say hi.
This morning I woke up 15 minutes too late too, which is highly irritating, because I've not been able to talk to him much when his sleeping was messed up, and now that I can, I keep missing him just by a bit.
Tomorrow morning I'm going to try really hard not to fall back to sleep.. I'm going to wake up at 4 AM and stay awake. Probably see him at 5 AM, which is 8 AM his time.. Yeah.
Japanese is such a hard class. I feel like I missed something... Always.. Like I missed some key explanation.. I think it's because I wasn't taught some of the things..
Like the kanji combining thing.. And Katakana... *sigh*
I hope I can pass the final.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Yelling family, little brother playing a spoiled brat...
Looking for reason to why he's going to stay home.
Stressing mom out.
I'm stressed already, I've been gloomy, why does my family have to have these arguments and crap?
I hope I wasn't that bad when I didn't want to go to school. I know I was sometimes a brat and sometimes rude but I hope I wasn't this bad. Mom said I was good at communicating, and that's why she's yelling right now.. He won't talk to her so all she gets is a shouting match with him.
He refuses to go to school because he says things aren't changing.
He has ADHD so things are hard, he can't even write..
But.. He doesn't have to act like this. Not not at all. Doesn't have to throw a fit. He takes everything personally, we threw a waterballoon at him when we were having a waterballoon fight and he ran off crying. What is with him?
At least this time I'm not adding to the family stress. When I don't do my homework, my parents don't really know. But I try to make it back up eventually.
Looking for reason to why he's going to stay home.
Stressing mom out.
I'm stressed already, I've been gloomy, why does my family have to have these arguments and crap?
I hope I wasn't that bad when I didn't want to go to school. I know I was sometimes a brat and sometimes rude but I hope I wasn't this bad. Mom said I was good at communicating, and that's why she's yelling right now.. He won't talk to her so all she gets is a shouting match with him.
He refuses to go to school because he says things aren't changing.
He has ADHD so things are hard, he can't even write..
But.. He doesn't have to act like this. Not not at all. Doesn't have to throw a fit. He takes everything personally, we threw a waterballoon at him when we were having a waterballoon fight and he ran off crying. What is with him?
At least this time I'm not adding to the family stress. When I don't do my homework, my parents don't really know. But I try to make it back up eventually.
By the way.. Bleh am I disgusted at how often I get sad.
I see other happy people and question, what is with me, anyway?
Guess I'm just a sensitive person, with a lot of hard times.
But I was happy for quite a long time, really.. Compared to how it was before. Anyone who saw my writings from months ago would know, I was in a more happy time, considering I found what I feel is the love of my life and he's mine. But I guess not seeing him or talking to him gets to me. My apologies for so much gloom.
I see other happy people and question, what is with me, anyway?
Guess I'm just a sensitive person, with a lot of hard times.
But I was happy for quite a long time, really.. Compared to how it was before. Anyone who saw my writings from months ago would know, I was in a more happy time, considering I found what I feel is the love of my life and he's mine. But I guess not seeing him or talking to him gets to me. My apologies for so much gloom.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Somber Flavor
Somber somber mood I've got going today. I think it's as I've felt quite a long time before happy days came along.
You just think to yourself, what can I do? I can't do anything. And you feel chained by the things you have to do and feel sick sick sick thinking about it.
I just want to be free...! I want to get a job and I want to learn to live on my own, I want to see Wess and I want to know what love really is. I want to be independent and I want to be an author, I want to help people and I want to draw and play guitar. I want to lay in the grass and actually enjoy my life. Why must I be chained to school and life and so much that I have to fear.
I can't concentrate, I have no willpower, I was an all A student once but that was only because I was so afraid to disappoint anyone, that forgetting or not doing an assignment KILLED me inside with embarrassment and the feeling I was a stupid irresponsible and a slacker.
Maybe if I go off pills I'll feel like throwing up each morning when I don't have my homework done, and then maybe I'll get A's again... I haven't gone insane yet, have I? There were days when I thought the stress would buckle this mind and make me unable to be happy.
I have the chance at freedom! I have the chance to go to college, I have the chance. I just have to get A's, I just have to pass the ACT two years early.. God I want out of it.. Let me go to college, so I can be free and get away from all these people....
I hate how they look at me... Or I hate how they don't? I can't tell. Nah, I just dislike looking at them. I dislike their fashion-bound heads and their gossip, their talk of boyfriends and their talk of drugs and sex.
I hate people like them because... They don't understand....
More.. I wish... Being right.. Or doing what I feel is right, was without so much opposition.
I wish society didn't make them so right....
Them with their silver-sequined shoes and their manicured nails, their ironed hair, their perfect haircuts and their false faces.. I wish they weren't liked for their conforming to what everyone else is doing. I wish their beauty that everyone seems to see but me, at least, their beauty there but is not beautiful... Wasn't.. Embraced.
Ah ah I know why I'm sad, again. I'm forgetting that I am loved, I'm forgetting that people care, for god knows what number of times it is now.
Last time was a month ago, Elizabeth?
It was going pretty bad for me that time. I was really really low. Truly felt my friends didn't care about me and I didn't have friends. Though it is true that they kinda disappear and reappear, and that they're kinda... Not.. There. But I do have a few. I have you Elizabeth, and Mayre who never evaporates even though we never see each other, have no classes, she still manages to track me to my locker and poke me to say we should hang out. And then there's Artemisa, she likes to spend time with me and I can go to her house, her mom likes me, and she's so sheltered and I should bring her places. Annamarie follows through, if only through her yearly party invitations..
--
But nah, I'm not plaguing so much over friends.. As that I never liked having friends so much anyway... Nah, that's not exactly true.. But it makes me nervous, I feel uncomfortable. I like having them but I don't like the requirements and how I have to always have something to say to them.
I'm just getting empty feelings.. Because I have no real.. ... Although I have it, I don't. I don't but I do.
There's one thing I really badly wanted in my life, and it was someone just like me who could be my silent company, who could make me smile and feel better through any hard times in my life.. That could understand my silent words and who could be on the same wavelength, who I wouldn't have to change for, who I wouldn't try to please. That I could just stay silently with for hours just for company, without that strange and awkward silence falling over it all.
I have it. But I forget... That that's what it is. That he's really there, that he's really going to be here, that he's going to stay.
I can't feel him, can't see him, so I can't... grasp him really being there..
I forget that he's mine, forget that he loves me. With the silence comes the memory of when it always was, so it feels like it comes once again.
Guess I'm afraid of it going back to how it once was? Alone, quiet, without that person who will be there for you whom you can rely on.
Yeah, behind it all I'm really afraid to lose him.
Every time it gets quiet like this I remember how it was and get scared.
I guess it's the whole 'what if' getting to me. What if he's gone tomorrow. What if he doesn't come back. What if something happens that changes it all. What if he decides, it's not worth it all..
Am I really worth such a wait?
Makeup.. Why is it, that every time I get depressed, I want to put on makeup and go out and wear strange things and wander the streets..?
What if I wake up from this dream? What if the clock strikes 12 and it'll all be over?
You just think to yourself, what can I do? I can't do anything. And you feel chained by the things you have to do and feel sick sick sick thinking about it.
I just want to be free...! I want to get a job and I want to learn to live on my own, I want to see Wess and I want to know what love really is. I want to be independent and I want to be an author, I want to help people and I want to draw and play guitar. I want to lay in the grass and actually enjoy my life. Why must I be chained to school and life and so much that I have to fear.
I can't concentrate, I have no willpower, I was an all A student once but that was only because I was so afraid to disappoint anyone, that forgetting or not doing an assignment KILLED me inside with embarrassment and the feeling I was a stupid irresponsible and a slacker.
Maybe if I go off pills I'll feel like throwing up each morning when I don't have my homework done, and then maybe I'll get A's again... I haven't gone insane yet, have I? There were days when I thought the stress would buckle this mind and make me unable to be happy.
I have the chance at freedom! I have the chance to go to college, I have the chance. I just have to get A's, I just have to pass the ACT two years early.. God I want out of it.. Let me go to college, so I can be free and get away from all these people....
I hate how they look at me... Or I hate how they don't? I can't tell. Nah, I just dislike looking at them. I dislike their fashion-bound heads and their gossip, their talk of boyfriends and their talk of drugs and sex.
I hate people like them because... They don't understand....
More.. I wish... Being right.. Or doing what I feel is right, was without so much opposition.
I wish society didn't make them so right....
Them with their silver-sequined shoes and their manicured nails, their ironed hair, their perfect haircuts and their false faces.. I wish they weren't liked for their conforming to what everyone else is doing. I wish their beauty that everyone seems to see but me, at least, their beauty there but is not beautiful... Wasn't.. Embraced.
Ah ah I know why I'm sad, again. I'm forgetting that I am loved, I'm forgetting that people care, for god knows what number of times it is now.
Last time was a month ago, Elizabeth?
It was going pretty bad for me that time. I was really really low. Truly felt my friends didn't care about me and I didn't have friends. Though it is true that they kinda disappear and reappear, and that they're kinda... Not.. There. But I do have a few. I have you Elizabeth, and Mayre who never evaporates even though we never see each other, have no classes, she still manages to track me to my locker and poke me to say we should hang out. And then there's Artemisa, she likes to spend time with me and I can go to her house, her mom likes me, and she's so sheltered and I should bring her places. Annamarie follows through, if only through her yearly party invitations..
--
But nah, I'm not plaguing so much over friends.. As that I never liked having friends so much anyway... Nah, that's not exactly true.. But it makes me nervous, I feel uncomfortable. I like having them but I don't like the requirements and how I have to always have something to say to them.
I'm just getting empty feelings.. Because I have no real.. ... Although I have it, I don't. I don't but I do.
There's one thing I really badly wanted in my life, and it was someone just like me who could be my silent company, who could make me smile and feel better through any hard times in my life.. That could understand my silent words and who could be on the same wavelength, who I wouldn't have to change for, who I wouldn't try to please. That I could just stay silently with for hours just for company, without that strange and awkward silence falling over it all.
I have it. But I forget... That that's what it is. That he's really there, that he's really going to be here, that he's going to stay.
I can't feel him, can't see him, so I can't... grasp him really being there..
I forget that he's mine, forget that he loves me. With the silence comes the memory of when it always was, so it feels like it comes once again.
Guess I'm afraid of it going back to how it once was? Alone, quiet, without that person who will be there for you whom you can rely on.
Yeah, behind it all I'm really afraid to lose him.
Every time it gets quiet like this I remember how it was and get scared.
I guess it's the whole 'what if' getting to me. What if he's gone tomorrow. What if he doesn't come back. What if something happens that changes it all. What if he decides, it's not worth it all..
Am I really worth such a wait?
Makeup.. Why is it, that every time I get depressed, I want to put on makeup and go out and wear strange things and wander the streets..?
What if I wake up from this dream? What if the clock strikes 12 and it'll all be over?
I'm depressed, down in the dumps, and shut up shut up and don't tell me not to be, because I don't want to hear it and I'll just be sad for a while.
Just want to mess up my face for a day and ruin my hair and sleep late and bury my face in my pillow for a while..
Huh...
Mom just gave me a hug and is crying because she yelled at me when I told her to 'turn off turn off turn off' the TV, because I'm sick of hearing disasters and scares of diseases and flus and crap that will never ever happen or effect me but will only depress me.. She was irritated at me as that she was going to do it but I told her to do it quicker anyhow. Surprised because it's nothing to cry over. Most moms have those days.
Told me to do the laundry today because I messed up my bed (period, joy) and she's 'sick' of doing things she doesn't have to. So I did, though I wasn't very happy to hear her keep telling me to do it, because I was tired.
Then she asked me to get the milk for all of them when we were eating brownies upstairs, but I declined and said to do it herself because I don't want to get them milk, been doing laundry and don't want to have to do things.
So I guess she feels bad, sinking in that she's been bugging me a tad all day, so she breaks down a bit. Says she doesn't know why she's been so cranky these days and apologized more than once.
---
Picked up the free AOL disk that is such a waste, but maybe not so much, making a good mirror. I look at my reflection, how do I look when I get teary-eyed? Not much difference, just a tinge of pink around my eyes and more reflection, making my eyes look watery and shiny.
Not so much teary-eyed from depression, but more a long yawn and the tad hopelessness I get.
---
I'm going to go play guitar till my fingers are numb playing a sad question of a song and then drawing, because I've had the itch to all day. Actually, maybe after another or more entries.. I feel the need to purge myself of words.
Just want to mess up my face for a day and ruin my hair and sleep late and bury my face in my pillow for a while..
Huh...
Mom just gave me a hug and is crying because she yelled at me when I told her to 'turn off turn off turn off' the TV, because I'm sick of hearing disasters and scares of diseases and flus and crap that will never ever happen or effect me but will only depress me.. She was irritated at me as that she was going to do it but I told her to do it quicker anyhow. Surprised because it's nothing to cry over. Most moms have those days.
Told me to do the laundry today because I messed up my bed (period, joy) and she's 'sick' of doing things she doesn't have to. So I did, though I wasn't very happy to hear her keep telling me to do it, because I was tired.
Then she asked me to get the milk for all of them when we were eating brownies upstairs, but I declined and said to do it herself because I don't want to get them milk, been doing laundry and don't want to have to do things.
So I guess she feels bad, sinking in that she's been bugging me a tad all day, so she breaks down a bit. Says she doesn't know why she's been so cranky these days and apologized more than once.
---
Picked up the free AOL disk that is such a waste, but maybe not so much, making a good mirror. I look at my reflection, how do I look when I get teary-eyed? Not much difference, just a tinge of pink around my eyes and more reflection, making my eyes look watery and shiny.
Not so much teary-eyed from depression, but more a long yawn and the tad hopelessness I get.
---
I'm going to go play guitar till my fingers are numb playing a sad question of a song and then drawing, because I've had the itch to all day. Actually, maybe after another or more entries.. I feel the need to purge myself of words.
Wess is getting a late-shift job at a pharmacy in New York. Currently in South Carolina, he's going to New York about February 4th..
This means, he'll be sleeping all day and working all night... I won't get to talk to him much. So, we'll be relying on emails and messages alone..
I was gloomy, so he said to me-
Trust me...you're all I'm going to be thinking about...every hour at work, wondering how you are....every minute I'm up on a normal day, hoping you're having a good day....every dream I have because of how much I'll be thinking about you...I don't know how but everything I look at will reminds me of you, I'm sure -wraps his arms around you tight- I'll miss you like crazy but it'll be okay and we'll see each other. If it takes even close to a year, I won't let that happen. We have an entire summer...spring break later on...I'll find something...
I'm hoping I won't go crazy.
This means, he'll be sleeping all day and working all night... I won't get to talk to him much. So, we'll be relying on emails and messages alone..
I was gloomy, so he said to me-
Trust me...you're all I'm going to be thinking about...every hour at work, wondering how you are....every minute I'm up on a normal day, hoping you're having a good day....every dream I have because of how much I'll be thinking about you...I don't know how but everything I look at will reminds me of you, I'm sure -wraps his arms around you tight- I'll miss you like crazy but it'll be okay and we'll see each other. If it takes even close to a year, I won't let that happen. We have an entire summer...spring break later on...I'll find something...
I'm hoping I won't go crazy.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
The First Conversation I Ever Had With My Boyfriend
This is the first time I ever spoke to my boyfriend. He didn't know me, I didn't know him, and he randomly starts talking to me. This is what was said. (lmao)
Toast is good
?
I've been petting my walrus all morning and thought you'd like to sniff my sausages
interesting.
Indeed
The only question is
If I have you an option between beating the sea creatures with the pitch fork of doom would you?
so, who are you?
I am Monkey D. Luffy
And you are?
*gives a look* I am a straaanger of the internet
I am a pirate :D
hurray
Arr matey
you do remind me of someone
Whom?
my friend who's kinda crazy, Mayre (lmao Elizabeth..!)
I can promise you, I'm not crazy for one, just an extremely bored guy and no I'm not your friend
ahah I see
^-^
:P so, did you randomly find me on DA and decide to chat?
-Nods-
ahah
interesting.. you're the second to ever do that
since yesterday
Haha, since yesterday?
yeah
only one other person has, and that was yesterday
huh. So who are you?
besides Monkey D. Luffy
Roronoa Zoro?
do you have a name? :P
;) Name is Weston
ahah
and how old are you, if I may ask?
16, will be 17 on July 24th
ahah
why me, of all people to randomly talk to?
-Shrugs- I liked your hair? lol
lol
hah.
^-^
I was wondering if anyone would actually do what you just did, it's been about a year now
I had it on there at least half the time
Erm.....what did I just do?
randomly talk to me
and are you on DA?
Nope :( friend of mine is
ahah
who are they?
Drop of Red is his name.....I think....
oooh
that weird person
*salutes*
o-O Why are you saluting me...?
random ackknowledgment
O-K....so at least you know who he is lol
hah.
hardly, but ya
^-^ -Drinks his vodka-
lol
bad.
bad.
It would be.. if it was really vodka
It's Mountain Dew: Code Red
hah
Hah back at you
I don't think I'll ever drink, it's kinda stupid-ish
Least you're smart, I don't drink either and if I do, it's just taste tests, I never even drink a shot of something
mhm
Drinking = Stupid, Smoking = Idiotic, Drugs = For Losers
yes, I agree
-Bows-
*bows back*
hai. Soudesu.
Erm...waffles and eggs....senorita?
hah
yes. It is so
is what that meant
*random*
Just realized
hahaa, right
You're just as strange as my friend
mm.. maybe
but only because I feel like being random, because I don't know you
No...you are lol it's not even a maybe situation
It's fun though, least it's never a dull moment
yup
aren't you tired?
Aren't YOU?
yup
Go to bed
I always am, tho
lol
Oh haha
someone just told me that
but I'm too.. I dunno
bored
Boredom = nothing to do with sleep
I'm watching the weirdest damn movie ever
what movie?
Dahmer
huh.. haven't heard of it
Meh, ever heard of Jeffery Dahmer?
nah
Either you're really young.....or really sheltered
I'm lazy, and I never pay attention to anything
Okay well......for the sake of conversation
He was a serial killer back in like....the 80s? He would drug men around his age at his apartment, have sex with their bodies, OD them so they would die, continue to have sex with their bodies and then mutilate them slowly
He did this since the age of like 17
wow.
scary
Yeah, the only reason he was caught is he decided to start eating the bodies because there wasn't enough room under his house to keep any more (or so he said)
And his house smelled so bad neighbors could smell it and they called the police
ew
So yeah and the movie is...just.....damn.......take you in the mind of this guy is so disturbing
I bet
You like the movie Good Fellas?
haha, I haven't seen that either
-_-
haha
I never keep up with movies...
we're just like "oh. that movie's out. We should see it." and we never do
Mind if I ask your age? You don't have to tell, just want to even see if it was possible for you to see some of these movies
heck, you saw my DA page, didn't you?
15
Like I read all of it, I don't read profiles or anything.....it's boring. Just saw your hair and was like "She's cool....time to bug her"
haha
you bug people whom you think are cool, huh?
Not often.....once like every 10 months? :P
ah
No, I have to be really bored.....REALLY REALLY bored, possibly intoxicated (with soda) and tired
haha
ever played Diablo II?
Nope
lol
sheltered!
*kidding*
No...I just find MMORPGS to be stupid and I can't stand the: "omfg j00 d00d j00 n00b j00 d0n7 d0 7h47"
haha
it's not that kind of game
it's not online, or anything
just fun
well, I think it can be online, but I never play it online
Diablo? Diablo is supposed to be online....maybe it's just the first one.
hmm
well, you have a choice, I know. I've played both
Don't know....either way, never played...might someday -shrugs- I'm more of a console type of guy, never had a thing for PC games
I own every single system except a Jaguar
yeah
coool
I have a lot too....
I guess....more like a fire hazard
hah
let's see.. we have..........
Nintendo, Super Nintendo, Nintendo 64, Atari (broken), Turbo Grafix um.. *random numbers...
Playstation, Dreamcast, PS2, XBOX....
hmmm.........
that may be it
Nice collection either way
yup
And I guess I don't have all, forgot I didn't have a Turbo Grafix and realized there's a few of those oldschool, never did well systems I don't have
Mine pretty much adds up to....
4 Different PS2s, Xbox, Gamecube, N64, Playstation, Nintendo, SNES, Atari, Sega CD, Genesis, Dreamcast, Saturn, PSP, gameboy systems, Game Gear...random junk ones that never did well on shelves that I can't even remember the name to anymore because they are broke
I get this weird feeling that you could possibly be Drop-of-red themself, but maybe not
hoooow would I know?
(shall you ever stop typing? :P)
In a way...I have a Drop of Red on Sheezy Art....the one on DA has my work but that's only because my girlfriend kept telling me to submit my stuff there cause "It'd do well" so she's like "Fine, can I just remake your site on DA?" and so I said go for it. Like I said, I'm bored and found some random person to talk to because my friend Zach is getting on my nerves with his problems and my friend Tyler.......is Tyler.....you'd have to know him
No I'll type forever
And I'll never stop
Not even God himself cou.....I'm done now
who's Zach, and who's Tyler?
Zach is a friend of mine from out of state, known him for about 2 years. He's a very pessimistic person but also a very very good friend and has stuck by me for a long although it's hard to take him seriously sometimes
hah
I'm very pessimistic too, though, you have to know
Tyler is a friend of mine who I'd just like to slap sometimes because he's so dense but gotta love the guy anyway
haah
Yeah so am I but he is that kind of annoying pessimistic
Gotta love it when your girlfriend calls you at 12 in the morning and asks you to sing her to sleep because she can't go back to sleep.......if I didn't love her so much I probably would have thrown the phone straight out the window
haha
Let the neighbor's dog have a piece of it
*pokes*
-Explodes-
Pick a random topic, I'll talk about anything...I'm tired, I'm an open boo....hey look a kitty
hah
I don't know......
Well I'm getting another Mountain Dew, so you think about it -looks at the 8 MD cans on his desk- think I should cut back?........Nah, brb
Booya
I have no idea, but, a random question for you
?
whendya meet ur girlfriend?
and how?
Met her through my friend Sara, we met over a year ago, started dating March 11th
ah, wow
Yes ma'am, 3 months coming up soon....went by so quick o-O haha, which is good I suppose....would suck if it dragged on and on
yup
^-^
-------
It's so incredibly strange to look at this and know.. we had no idea that we'd fall in love..
Toast is good
?
I've been petting my walrus all morning and thought you'd like to sniff my sausages
interesting.
Indeed
The only question is
If I have you an option between beating the sea creatures with the pitch fork of doom would you?
so, who are you?
I am Monkey D. Luffy
And you are?
*gives a look* I am a straaanger of the internet
I am a pirate :D
hurray
Arr matey
you do remind me of someone
Whom?
my friend who's kinda crazy, Mayre (lmao Elizabeth..!)
I can promise you, I'm not crazy for one, just an extremely bored guy and no I'm not your friend
ahah I see
^-^
:P so, did you randomly find me on DA and decide to chat?
-Nods-
ahah
interesting.. you're the second to ever do that
since yesterday
Haha, since yesterday?
yeah
only one other person has, and that was yesterday
huh. So who are you?
besides Monkey D. Luffy
Roronoa Zoro?
do you have a name? :P
;) Name is Weston
ahah
and how old are you, if I may ask?
16, will be 17 on July 24th
ahah
why me, of all people to randomly talk to?
-Shrugs- I liked your hair? lol
lol
hah.
^-^
I was wondering if anyone would actually do what you just did, it's been about a year now
I had it on there at least half the time
Erm.....what did I just do?
randomly talk to me
and are you on DA?
Nope :( friend of mine is
ahah
who are they?
Drop of Red is his name.....I think....
oooh
that weird person
*salutes*
o-O Why are you saluting me...?
random ackknowledgment
O-K....so at least you know who he is lol
hah.
hardly, but ya
^-^ -Drinks his vodka-
lol
bad.
bad.
It would be.. if it was really vodka
It's Mountain Dew: Code Red
hah
Hah back at you
I don't think I'll ever drink, it's kinda stupid-ish
Least you're smart, I don't drink either and if I do, it's just taste tests, I never even drink a shot of something
mhm
Drinking = Stupid, Smoking = Idiotic, Drugs = For Losers
yes, I agree
-Bows-
*bows back*
hai. Soudesu.
Erm...waffles and eggs....senorita?
hah
yes. It is so
is what that meant
*random*
Just realized
hahaa, right
You're just as strange as my friend
mm.. maybe
but only because I feel like being random, because I don't know you
No...you are lol it's not even a maybe situation
It's fun though, least it's never a dull moment
yup
aren't you tired?
Aren't YOU?
yup
Go to bed
I always am, tho
lol
Oh haha
someone just told me that
but I'm too.. I dunno
bored
Boredom = nothing to do with sleep
I'm watching the weirdest damn movie ever
what movie?
Dahmer
huh.. haven't heard of it
Meh, ever heard of Jeffery Dahmer?
nah
Either you're really young.....or really sheltered
I'm lazy, and I never pay attention to anything
Okay well......for the sake of conversation
He was a serial killer back in like....the 80s? He would drug men around his age at his apartment, have sex with their bodies, OD them so they would die, continue to have sex with their bodies and then mutilate them slowly
He did this since the age of like 17
wow.
scary
Yeah, the only reason he was caught is he decided to start eating the bodies because there wasn't enough room under his house to keep any more (or so he said)
And his house smelled so bad neighbors could smell it and they called the police
ew
So yeah and the movie is...just.....damn.......take you in the mind of this guy is so disturbing
I bet
You like the movie Good Fellas?
haha, I haven't seen that either
-_-
haha
I never keep up with movies...
we're just like "oh. that movie's out. We should see it." and we never do
Mind if I ask your age? You don't have to tell, just want to even see if it was possible for you to see some of these movies
heck, you saw my DA page, didn't you?
15
Like I read all of it, I don't read profiles or anything.....it's boring. Just saw your hair and was like "She's cool....time to bug her"
haha
you bug people whom you think are cool, huh?
Not often.....once like every 10 months? :P
ah
No, I have to be really bored.....REALLY REALLY bored, possibly intoxicated (with soda) and tired
haha
ever played Diablo II?
Nope
lol
sheltered!
*kidding*
No...I just find MMORPGS to be stupid and I can't stand the: "omfg j00 d00d j00 n00b j00 d0n7 d0 7h47"
haha
it's not that kind of game
it's not online, or anything
just fun
well, I think it can be online, but I never play it online
Diablo? Diablo is supposed to be online....maybe it's just the first one.
hmm
well, you have a choice, I know. I've played both
Don't know....either way, never played...might someday -shrugs- I'm more of a console type of guy, never had a thing for PC games
I own every single system except a Jaguar
yeah
coool
I have a lot too....
I guess....more like a fire hazard
hah
let's see.. we have..........
Nintendo, Super Nintendo, Nintendo 64, Atari (broken), Turbo Grafix um.. *random numbers...
Playstation, Dreamcast, PS2, XBOX....
hmmm.........
that may be it
Nice collection either way
yup
And I guess I don't have all, forgot I didn't have a Turbo Grafix and realized there's a few of those oldschool, never did well systems I don't have
Mine pretty much adds up to....
4 Different PS2s, Xbox, Gamecube, N64, Playstation, Nintendo, SNES, Atari, Sega CD, Genesis, Dreamcast, Saturn, PSP, gameboy systems, Game Gear...random junk ones that never did well on shelves that I can't even remember the name to anymore because they are broke
I get this weird feeling that you could possibly be Drop-of-red themself, but maybe not
hoooow would I know?
(shall you ever stop typing? :P)
In a way...I have a Drop of Red on Sheezy Art....the one on DA has my work but that's only because my girlfriend kept telling me to submit my stuff there cause "It'd do well" so she's like "Fine, can I just remake your site on DA?" and so I said go for it. Like I said, I'm bored and found some random person to talk to because my friend Zach is getting on my nerves with his problems and my friend Tyler.......is Tyler.....you'd have to know him
No I'll type forever
And I'll never stop
Not even God himself cou.....I'm done now
who's Zach, and who's Tyler?
Zach is a friend of mine from out of state, known him for about 2 years. He's a very pessimistic person but also a very very good friend and has stuck by me for a long although it's hard to take him seriously sometimes
hah
I'm very pessimistic too, though, you have to know
Tyler is a friend of mine who I'd just like to slap sometimes because he's so dense but gotta love the guy anyway
haah
Yeah so am I but he is that kind of annoying pessimistic
Gotta love it when your girlfriend calls you at 12 in the morning and asks you to sing her to sleep because she can't go back to sleep.......if I didn't love her so much I probably would have thrown the phone straight out the window
haha
Let the neighbor's dog have a piece of it
*pokes*
-Explodes-
Pick a random topic, I'll talk about anything...I'm tired, I'm an open boo....hey look a kitty
hah
I don't know......
Well I'm getting another Mountain Dew, so you think about it -looks at the 8 MD cans on his desk- think I should cut back?........Nah, brb
Booya
I have no idea, but, a random question for you
?
whendya meet ur girlfriend?
and how?
Met her through my friend Sara, we met over a year ago, started dating March 11th
ah, wow
Yes ma'am, 3 months coming up soon....went by so quick o-O haha, which is good I suppose....would suck if it dragged on and on
yup
^-^
-------
It's so incredibly strange to look at this and know.. we had no idea that we'd fall in love..
Hurtful
"need to stop taking shitty pictures
you pathetic waste of e-space"
That's all Alex has to say to me.
That and he won't shut up, telling me to dye my hair red again because it looks 'shitty' and stupid now. And that I should cut my hair short again.
He's a control freak, and he won't like me unless I'm exactly how I want him to be.
you pathetic waste of e-space"
That's all Alex has to say to me.
That and he won't shut up, telling me to dye my hair red again because it looks 'shitty' and stupid now. And that I should cut my hair short again.
He's a control freak, and he won't like me unless I'm exactly how I want him to be.
It feels strange for it to be in my hands...
That what I do, decides our fate.. What I think, how I feel.. Because his feelings are set in stone. He can't remove it however he may wish to and however his mind thinks against it.
----
"You say enjoy it while it lasts but somehow I can't just stare that thought in the face and deal with it
Because I WANT a relationship with you but once we meet it's basically out of my hands and I hate that...
-sighs and shakes his head-
It's unbelieveable that my mind can think all of this and still want to be with you....
If it were anyone else, I'm sure I would've been gone by now...
At first I thought "Well what if I'm clinging too..." but then i realized, no I'm not
Because I've come to realize now that other people WILL care about me that way, and if I broke up with you this minute, it'd hurt for the longest time but I could always move on
I could go find someone else that I don't care about as much and just be happy...
That's not what I want though because they aren't you...they aren't the person who sat by my side the whole time...made me smile through all the worst shit...
Fuck Tanya, I don't care what you're like in person....right here and now I'm saying I don't give a shit
Even if I find something about you that annoys the shit out of me, I will still stay with you until you flick me off your shoulder because I care about you so damn much...
I care about you enough that you could have an annoying, noticeable flaw but I would disregard it no matter how bad and stay...
I don't want it to end, I don't want it to....I'll say it again
I DONT WANT IT TO END"
----
Amazes me, that I'm now in the opposite situation than I've always been in. I think it's part of what I wanted?
"I wish for once fate would be on my side and that I wouldn't love someone who I had to wait for to choose, me, or someone else... I'm sick of waiting for it all to be for or against me, to find I'm yet again second best"
Now I will hope, I'll never have to ask myself "How can you do that knowing how it feels? Break someone's heart?"
I asked someone that once.
How the hell do you break hearts when all you've wanted is for yours to stop breaking..
All in my hands. But how wary is my phrase, that comes to me on gloomy nights, "what can these hands do but harm?"
I'm hoping my hands, my smile, my love, will do some good for once. Not just be another burden and cause of pain for us both.
Gentle hearted but sharp tongued.. Quick to smile but quick to cry. Jumps to mood swings and jumps to conclusions, far far too fast.
----
I am the son
And the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Oh, of nothing in particular
-
When you say it’s gonna happen now
Well, when exactly do you mean ?
See, I’ve already waited too long
And all my hope is gone
Oh ...
Oh ...
You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way ?
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does
-How Soon is Now, Smiths
---
I hope you can trust me to not hurt you. I see you and I see a sweet boy whom I love very very much.. And I can't imagine anything changing that. Come here soon, please, so I can say 'I told you so'
I haven't talked to you today. And I already miss you terribly.
That what I do, decides our fate.. What I think, how I feel.. Because his feelings are set in stone. He can't remove it however he may wish to and however his mind thinks against it.
----
"You say enjoy it while it lasts but somehow I can't just stare that thought in the face and deal with it
Because I WANT a relationship with you but once we meet it's basically out of my hands and I hate that...
-sighs and shakes his head-
It's unbelieveable that my mind can think all of this and still want to be with you....
If it were anyone else, I'm sure I would've been gone by now...
At first I thought "Well what if I'm clinging too..." but then i realized, no I'm not
Because I've come to realize now that other people WILL care about me that way, and if I broke up with you this minute, it'd hurt for the longest time but I could always move on
I could go find someone else that I don't care about as much and just be happy...
That's not what I want though because they aren't you...they aren't the person who sat by my side the whole time...made me smile through all the worst shit...
Fuck Tanya, I don't care what you're like in person....right here and now I'm saying I don't give a shit
Even if I find something about you that annoys the shit out of me, I will still stay with you until you flick me off your shoulder because I care about you so damn much...
I care about you enough that you could have an annoying, noticeable flaw but I would disregard it no matter how bad and stay...
I don't want it to end, I don't want it to....I'll say it again
I DONT WANT IT TO END"
----
Amazes me, that I'm now in the opposite situation than I've always been in. I think it's part of what I wanted?
"I wish for once fate would be on my side and that I wouldn't love someone who I had to wait for to choose, me, or someone else... I'm sick of waiting for it all to be for or against me, to find I'm yet again second best"
Now I will hope, I'll never have to ask myself "How can you do that knowing how it feels? Break someone's heart?"
I asked someone that once.
How the hell do you break hearts when all you've wanted is for yours to stop breaking..
All in my hands. But how wary is my phrase, that comes to me on gloomy nights, "what can these hands do but harm?"
I'm hoping my hands, my smile, my love, will do some good for once. Not just be another burden and cause of pain for us both.
Gentle hearted but sharp tongued.. Quick to smile but quick to cry. Jumps to mood swings and jumps to conclusions, far far too fast.
----
I am the son
And the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Oh, of nothing in particular
-
When you say it’s gonna happen now
Well, when exactly do you mean ?
See, I’ve already waited too long
And all my hope is gone
Oh ...
Oh ...
You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way ?
I am human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does
-How Soon is Now, Smiths
---
I hope you can trust me to not hurt you. I see you and I see a sweet boy whom I love very very much.. And I can't imagine anything changing that. Come here soon, please, so I can say 'I told you so'
I haven't talked to you today. And I already miss you terribly.
Point of My Life
Some ask, why am I here? What am I living for? I already know. I live to do the following.
To love and be loved.
To give.
To enjoy the simple joys of life.
To laugh and have fun and not care what people think.
To help and make happy the people in need.
To aid all who can use my services.
To be happy.
To give anyone what they can’t obtain from someone other than me.
To write about experiences and to reflect on all I’ve done and plan what I will do.
To help the lonely, useless, sorrow-filled.
To offer advice and a shoulder to cry on.
To give hope to the hopeless.
To write and find as many ways I can to express and draw out the world around me.
And that is all.
To love and be loved.
To give.
To enjoy the simple joys of life.
To laugh and have fun and not care what people think.
To help and make happy the people in need.
To aid all who can use my services.
To be happy.
To give anyone what they can’t obtain from someone other than me.
To write about experiences and to reflect on all I’ve done and plan what I will do.
To help the lonely, useless, sorrow-filled.
To offer advice and a shoulder to cry on.
To give hope to the hopeless.
To write and find as many ways I can to express and draw out the world around me.
And that is all.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Can Hardly Express...
..How he makes me feel, how wonderful it is to have found him. How much I love him, how much he means to me...
*holds you tight against her* I can't express how glad I am that you're here, that I found you, and how much I love you
-he holds you lovingly in his arms, his hands rubbing your back- You're the best thing to walk into my life Tanya, I'm glad I found you too and I'm glad that I can make you so happy
*smiles softly* it's so wonderful..
Hehe, yes it is...-he falls gently into your lap, closing his eyes and snuggling close to your stomach, his arms wrapped around your waist like a little kid- You're all I need
*smiles, looking down at you* *chuckles* odd as it is, all I've ever really wanted in life is for someone to want me to be around, to need me, love me, something
-half asleep he whispers- Know, that no matter what, even if it doesn't work or no matter how far apart we are or no matter how long it takes for us to meet or no matter what gets in our way...I will always care about you -his arms tighten very gently around your waist- I will always love you and you will always be a part of my heart...you've given me something that no one else ever has and I can't even tell you what it is, I can just feel it. You've given me all I've hoped for...-smiles- I need you around...I do...-he nudges against your stomach- I love you, with all my heart -his eyes open and he turns to look up at you, his hand reaches up and lands on your cheek, he smiles as his thumb runs along the skin under your eye-
*holds you close, smiling* *takes your hands in hers, squeezing them softly*
-he smiles, gripping your hands back gently as his eyes begin to close once again-
I'm so glad..
-he whispers- Me too
I'll always always be here for you *runs fingers across forehead* *smiles at you* *giggles* you're so precious..
-he takes your hand away from his forehead, bringing it down to his face and kissing it gently, he whisper tiredly- Thank you...-his head falls so that his face points at your stomach, he doesn't let go of your hand, he pulls it to his chest and keeps it close-
*sighs happily, pressing her lips to your hair once again, whispering 'my sweet sweet darling..'* *smiles, hugging you close to her* I wish I could take care of you for all the times you were sick, sit with you and gently rub your forehead till you fall asleep, I wish I could've hugged you every time you were sad, and been there to make it all better, to kiss you when you got afraid or when things seemed to be all going wrong.. wish I could hold you now
-smiles- I wish I could go into the past and hold you close to me every time you felt like the world was against you or every time Alex hurt you or every time someone or something made you feel worthless or sad, I wish I could go back everytime and whisper in your ear that it will all be okay because I would always be there to protect you, I wish I could fall asleep with you tonight and every night for the rest of my life, I wish for it all....just you and me, alone in our desert made of glass to forever lay with each other and keep each other safe from harm....you're a girlfriend, a best friend, and a great person in my heart...you're everything a guy could ask for...-holds you as close as he can, clinging onto you like a child-
---
How could I ask for anything more....?
What were the chances of us meeting..? Of being together..?
He says hello at random, a stranger, just another random IMer from the depths of the internet. I weird him out, he weirds me out, I think he's an odd average 17 year old. He has a girlfriend, he tells me how she called once in the middle of the night because she couldn't sleep, at like 3 AM when he was sleeping. He said it was really annoying but he loved her too much to care.
How does fate twist to make him, this stranger, this taken boy thousands of miles away, to be like me in all ways, my mirror, twin, and love? When I didn't even know it?
We become friends of chance. I run into him again, we talk some, and we grow to trust each other. We help each other through the pains of love, with people who weren't good for us.
And now we're together.. Out of millions of people.. He drops into my life and somehow, everything falls into place...
He's more than I ever expected to get, he's more than I'd ever hoped for.. He's my everything.
*holds you tight against her* I can't express how glad I am that you're here, that I found you, and how much I love you
-he holds you lovingly in his arms, his hands rubbing your back- You're the best thing to walk into my life Tanya, I'm glad I found you too and I'm glad that I can make you so happy
*smiles softly* it's so wonderful..
Hehe, yes it is...-he falls gently into your lap, closing his eyes and snuggling close to your stomach, his arms wrapped around your waist like a little kid- You're all I need
*smiles, looking down at you* *chuckles* odd as it is, all I've ever really wanted in life is for someone to want me to be around, to need me, love me, something
-half asleep he whispers- Know, that no matter what, even if it doesn't work or no matter how far apart we are or no matter how long it takes for us to meet or no matter what gets in our way...I will always care about you -his arms tighten very gently around your waist- I will always love you and you will always be a part of my heart...you've given me something that no one else ever has and I can't even tell you what it is, I can just feel it. You've given me all I've hoped for...-smiles- I need you around...I do...-he nudges against your stomach- I love you, with all my heart -his eyes open and he turns to look up at you, his hand reaches up and lands on your cheek, he smiles as his thumb runs along the skin under your eye-
*holds you close, smiling* *takes your hands in hers, squeezing them softly*
-he smiles, gripping your hands back gently as his eyes begin to close once again-
I'm so glad..
-he whispers- Me too
I'll always always be here for you *runs fingers across forehead* *smiles at you* *giggles* you're so precious..
-he takes your hand away from his forehead, bringing it down to his face and kissing it gently, he whisper tiredly- Thank you...-his head falls so that his face points at your stomach, he doesn't let go of your hand, he pulls it to his chest and keeps it close-
*sighs happily, pressing her lips to your hair once again, whispering 'my sweet sweet darling..'* *smiles, hugging you close to her* I wish I could take care of you for all the times you were sick, sit with you and gently rub your forehead till you fall asleep, I wish I could've hugged you every time you were sad, and been there to make it all better, to kiss you when you got afraid or when things seemed to be all going wrong.. wish I could hold you now
-smiles- I wish I could go into the past and hold you close to me every time you felt like the world was against you or every time Alex hurt you or every time someone or something made you feel worthless or sad, I wish I could go back everytime and whisper in your ear that it will all be okay because I would always be there to protect you, I wish I could fall asleep with you tonight and every night for the rest of my life, I wish for it all....just you and me, alone in our desert made of glass to forever lay with each other and keep each other safe from harm....you're a girlfriend, a best friend, and a great person in my heart...you're everything a guy could ask for...-holds you as close as he can, clinging onto you like a child-
---
How could I ask for anything more....?
What were the chances of us meeting..? Of being together..?
He says hello at random, a stranger, just another random IMer from the depths of the internet. I weird him out, he weirds me out, I think he's an odd average 17 year old. He has a girlfriend, he tells me how she called once in the middle of the night because she couldn't sleep, at like 3 AM when he was sleeping. He said it was really annoying but he loved her too much to care.
How does fate twist to make him, this stranger, this taken boy thousands of miles away, to be like me in all ways, my mirror, twin, and love? When I didn't even know it?
We become friends of chance. I run into him again, we talk some, and we grow to trust each other. We help each other through the pains of love, with people who weren't good for us.
And now we're together.. Out of millions of people.. He drops into my life and somehow, everything falls into place...
He's more than I ever expected to get, he's more than I'd ever hoped for.. He's my everything.
Friday, January 06, 2006
Love, Romance.. Beautiful
Says the one who has never felt someone's touch, never had lips upon their own..
Never held hands, never hugged, never kissed. Yet I can say this- It feels great.
Though being unfelt and distant, it does little. It only makes the long awaited meeting of us, when we can finally feel the meaning behind each other's words, hear each other's voice, see each other's face.
Love grows with distance, and I can see why. I'm in love, and it's grown from air.
I don't need to feel him, I don't need to see him, I don't need to hear him, I can love him with the absence of all that makes him.
Love is blind. Love is without limits. Love grows each day we're apart.
I love him with the very minimum, the so very small amount I have. I require nothing but his words that reach from afar.
Which makes me feel amazed. Because I could love him so much more. He's not even here, and I love him this much. I've never seen him, never felt him. Yet I can love him with all my heart.
With time grows anticipation, and promises and laughter, what we'll do, say, how we'll kiss, smile.
-----
just need someone to hug in my head
Haha aw...-wraps his arms around you, keeping you close- I'm sorry I can't be there
you will be soon enough
-nod- Yup and then you can hug me and kiss me and never let go if you don't want to
^__^ a good hour
Haha
It's still beyond my length of thought of what it'd be like to have someone to cuddle/kiss whenever I please
-Laughs- Soon enough :)
mmmhm
You don't have to let go if you dont' want to :P just let me use the restroom freely
XD wouldn't it get in the way when you're wanting to do something? *laugh*
Haha -kisses the top of your head- nah :P
XD yay
Think we'll be inseparable?
lol, possibly, at least attached by hand
^_^
I'll have to randomly pause to kiss you randomly when walking places :P
-Laughs- That'd be cute, I wouldn't mind :P
Hm...well I could meet your parents and your family (dreading to meet Alex) we could hang out in downtown, go shopping, see movies, hang around in whatever park or large area of nothingness you have XD, we could just walk and talk, we could hang out at your house and I could whip you at video games, we could get mooshy and lay and cuddle at night and look at the stars and the clouds, we could do silly things in public, I could meet your friends if you'd want me too (total nervousness XD), um... That's all I can think of at the moment
you know what my ideal first date is? (it's weird)
Hm?
'my ideal first date is in a box, on a hill or in my backyard on the garage roof or something, cuddled up sleeping outside watching the stars' XD
-Giggles- It's weird but it's really cute and quite romantic sounding XD
oh yes, and if we had drinks, swirly straws XD I like being childish :P still have all my dolls and teddies and everything
Hahaha, you're a little girl at heart :P
Cuddling would be nice ^___^
yees :) I love cuddling it's so warm and nice -^____^- and I like the safe happy feeling you get
Hehe, apparently I keep warm >.> people like my hugs (or so they've said)
haha well most people are warm to hug :P
Hehe, yeah but when you're hugging a big guy it's like a hugging a bear ^___^ and you'll always be protected when I hold you :)
hehe ^___^ love to imagine it :P
So do I, it's a nice daydreaming type feeling
I daydream a lot, lol everday on the way to school and back, I think of you :P
:D I think about you on and off throughout the whole day. You just randomly pop into my head XD or when I'm about to go to bed / wake up in the morning
XDD I walked home today, when I was getting tired and bored I started humming under my breath 'Wessy Wessy Wessy Wessy I love Wessy Wessy Wessy Wessy Wessy"
lol
Never held hands, never hugged, never kissed. Yet I can say this- It feels great.
Though being unfelt and distant, it does little. It only makes the long awaited meeting of us, when we can finally feel the meaning behind each other's words, hear each other's voice, see each other's face.
Love grows with distance, and I can see why. I'm in love, and it's grown from air.
I don't need to feel him, I don't need to see him, I don't need to hear him, I can love him with the absence of all that makes him.
Love is blind. Love is without limits. Love grows each day we're apart.
I love him with the very minimum, the so very small amount I have. I require nothing but his words that reach from afar.
Which makes me feel amazed. Because I could love him so much more. He's not even here, and I love him this much. I've never seen him, never felt him. Yet I can love him with all my heart.
With time grows anticipation, and promises and laughter, what we'll do, say, how we'll kiss, smile.
-----
just need someone to hug in my head
Haha aw...-wraps his arms around you, keeping you close- I'm sorry I can't be there
you will be soon enough
-nod- Yup and then you can hug me and kiss me and never let go if you don't want to
^__^ a good hour
Haha
It's still beyond my length of thought of what it'd be like to have someone to cuddle/kiss whenever I please
-Laughs- Soon enough :)
mmmhm
You don't have to let go if you dont' want to :P just let me use the restroom freely
XD wouldn't it get in the way when you're wanting to do something? *laugh*
Haha -kisses the top of your head- nah :P
XD yay
Think we'll be inseparable?
lol, possibly, at least attached by hand
^_^
I'll have to randomly pause to kiss you randomly when walking places :P
-Laughs- That'd be cute, I wouldn't mind :P
Hm...well I could meet your parents and your family (dreading to meet Alex) we could hang out in downtown, go shopping, see movies, hang around in whatever park or large area of nothingness you have XD, we could just walk and talk, we could hang out at your house and I could whip you at video games, we could get mooshy and lay and cuddle at night and look at the stars and the clouds, we could do silly things in public, I could meet your friends if you'd want me too (total nervousness XD), um... That's all I can think of at the moment
you know what my ideal first date is? (it's weird)
Hm?
'my ideal first date is in a box, on a hill or in my backyard on the garage roof or something, cuddled up sleeping outside watching the stars' XD
-Giggles- It's weird but it's really cute and quite romantic sounding XD
oh yes, and if we had drinks, swirly straws XD I like being childish :P still have all my dolls and teddies and everything
Hahaha, you're a little girl at heart :P
Cuddling would be nice ^___^
yees :) I love cuddling it's so warm and nice -^____^- and I like the safe happy feeling you get
Hehe, apparently I keep warm >.> people like my hugs (or so they've said)
haha well most people are warm to hug :P
Hehe, yeah but when you're hugging a big guy it's like a hugging a bear ^___^ and you'll always be protected when I hold you :)
hehe ^___^ love to imagine it :P
So do I, it's a nice daydreaming type feeling
I daydream a lot, lol everday on the way to school and back, I think of you :P
:D I think about you on and off throughout the whole day. You just randomly pop into my head XD or when I'm about to go to bed / wake up in the morning
XDD I walked home today, when I was getting tired and bored I started humming under my breath 'Wessy Wessy Wessy Wessy I love Wessy Wessy Wessy Wessy Wessy"
lol
After Thought
"Would you stop it with that? If I honestly thought you were that bad of a person I wouldn't even be here right now
-runs his fingers gently through your hair, his other hand running slowly up and down your back- I love you kiddo...nothing is going to change that...-he kisses your cheek gently-"
It still amazes me that he can say that to me after I piss him off terribly, throw a foolish and selfish fit, and then try to take it all back. All I can say is, thank god he deals with me.
I need to watch my words, learn to hold emotions back and not be so rash. I say things I don't mean when my emotions get the best of me. I'm rude and unkind when overwhelmed with too many feelings at once.
Life doesn't always go your way, bite back disappointment and be patient and understanding. Patience, that's my weakness.
But I'd wait forever just to see him, hold his hand, be able to hear his voice without a phone and have him solid in front of me.
-runs his fingers gently through your hair, his other hand running slowly up and down your back- I love you kiddo...nothing is going to change that...-he kisses your cheek gently-"
It still amazes me that he can say that to me after I piss him off terribly, throw a foolish and selfish fit, and then try to take it all back. All I can say is, thank god he deals with me.
I need to watch my words, learn to hold emotions back and not be so rash. I say things I don't mean when my emotions get the best of me. I'm rude and unkind when overwhelmed with too many feelings at once.
Life doesn't always go your way, bite back disappointment and be patient and understanding. Patience, that's my weakness.
But I'd wait forever just to see him, hold his hand, be able to hear his voice without a phone and have him solid in front of me.
Thursday, January 05, 2006
Stung
Times like these, I hate myself very much. I manage to hurt the people I love with my words, because I'm afraid, I'm selfish, and I'm a fool. I get so wrapped up in my emotions I forget how terrible, simply terrible I'm being and sounding. Just makes me want to crawl up and die, remove myself from these kind people I don't deserve.
I just want a pair of calming arms, a sane moment in my life. As it grows further, my hope for my life to be much more than suffering grows lower and lower. And with this I bite back tears, fail to do so, and then my mind screams, why.
Why can't a dream come true. Why can't it be easier. Why can't one hope be not proven false. Why can't my dreaming mind accept reality. I break down as the weight grows to be too much.
Apologies unaccepted. I could tell you I'm sorry but it means very little. My mind and my selfish stupidity is beyond understanding.
And as my brother stand behind me, now, I couldn't feel more upset and more like, I deserve nothing I ever have had.
I don't deserve him, I don't deserve love, I don't deserve a god damned thing.
Because I can't be happy with anything without selfishly asking for more, asking more than I should of someone.
Please leave me, please leave me, I can't live knowing I hurt you.
I just want a pair of calming arms, a sane moment in my life. As it grows further, my hope for my life to be much more than suffering grows lower and lower. And with this I bite back tears, fail to do so, and then my mind screams, why.
Why can't a dream come true. Why can't it be easier. Why can't one hope be not proven false. Why can't my dreaming mind accept reality. I break down as the weight grows to be too much.
Apologies unaccepted. I could tell you I'm sorry but it means very little. My mind and my selfish stupidity is beyond understanding.
And as my brother stand behind me, now, I couldn't feel more upset and more like, I deserve nothing I ever have had.
I don't deserve him, I don't deserve love, I don't deserve a god damned thing.
Because I can't be happy with anything without selfishly asking for more, asking more than I should of someone.
Please leave me, please leave me, I can't live knowing I hurt you.
Day runs grey, it's no surprise..
laughless lips and heavy eyes
what news the future bares
rug burned wrists and hard tugged hair
with one person's return
memories burn
and all must be silent..
bite my tongue, remain defiant
of all it puts upon me..
of all it used to be..
not one more word can be said
keeping words inside my head
my fear, an endless reminder
these days to me, weren't much kinder
but run back to the past
a brittled cast
protection from these words
cover ears, it can't be heard
unprotected from such sorrows
hoping, wishing, what soon tomorrow
distant dreams of February....
laughless lips and heavy eyes
what news the future bares
rug burned wrists and hard tugged hair
with one person's return
memories burn
and all must be silent..
bite my tongue, remain defiant
of all it puts upon me..
of all it used to be..
not one more word can be said
keeping words inside my head
my fear, an endless reminder
these days to me, weren't much kinder
but run back to the past
a brittled cast
protection from these words
cover ears, it can't be heard
unprotected from such sorrows
hoping, wishing, what soon tomorrow
distant dreams of February....
Morning
Exhausted.. A bit cold. A lonely morning once again. Woke up late today, 5 AM instead of 4 AM. I feel sick already as school's only one hour away...
I have to run again today, my legs are still exceedingly sore from Wednesday, but I'll manage. Didn't take a shower this morning, didn't have time, and figured- I'm just going to be dirty after today (especially) anyway. Sick thoughts go through my head.. He's not leaving...
Endless mocking, hitting, shouting and tears. That's what he gave me. I had hope when he moved hours away, going to school far off.. Now it seems, I'll have to deal with it all once more. Shouting at him to leave me alone, I can remember very well the sting of my wrists as he grabbed them, dragging me as I dug my feet into the carpet, yelling at him to let go, that it hurt. Wrists felt like a rug-burn, friction of his hands and me forcing my weight backwards as he pulled me forward.
He controls me like a father, an abusive husband, cruel demeaning, constantly cutting at my confidence.
This is, I think, why whenever someone tells me to do something, I wish badly to refuse.
His tears mean little to me, as that he refuses any comfort from me, and would never help me on low days. He created my low days.. And every day when I'm reminded, I once again hate him. Hate him for the disrespect, the way he treats me like a little spoiled child, in need of punishment. How he feels, he must punish me. I'm surprised he didn't decide to beat me. His sharp sarcasm, his tone of voice that said, you ignorant little bitch, you have no place in this world and you are useless, you are wrong and you are stupid.. You will never amount to anything, you're a fool and destined to always learn the hard way, those you love use you and those you love mean little.
Maybe that's why when Wess and I first fought, his sarcasm hurt me so much. Words I remember.. That feeling you get.. Sick feeling.
Memories and dull reminders of pain, the hopelessness that now follows his return, that makes my days miserable. My Christmas was sour, and I couldn't tell my family of my newfound love without whispering, because 'it upset Alex'. Just his presence alone upsets me. I've had to deal with it all winter break, and into the very first days of school, which upon I hide my writing and my conversations as he walks by.
He blackmails me with the fact that he can get to anything on the computer, read any of my files, look over any conversation. It stings fear into me.
I'm alone this morning, and without Wess the days run grey. Yesterday, I survived my day knowing that at the end of it he would be there.. But we were unable to speak, as my family got in the way. I nearly cried, because, as I remembered, "this will be the last time we'll be able to speak interrupted, leave me alone..!" I was made to leave early that day. I was right.
I get terribly lonely and hopeless when he's not around, because he's the only one that makes me smile and feel loved.
How I pray for February..... When I will see him, for the very first time.. When I will have him in my arms and he will melt away any fears I have... Distant dreams of my birthday.....
I have to run again today, my legs are still exceedingly sore from Wednesday, but I'll manage. Didn't take a shower this morning, didn't have time, and figured- I'm just going to be dirty after today (especially) anyway. Sick thoughts go through my head.. He's not leaving...
Endless mocking, hitting, shouting and tears. That's what he gave me. I had hope when he moved hours away, going to school far off.. Now it seems, I'll have to deal with it all once more. Shouting at him to leave me alone, I can remember very well the sting of my wrists as he grabbed them, dragging me as I dug my feet into the carpet, yelling at him to let go, that it hurt. Wrists felt like a rug-burn, friction of his hands and me forcing my weight backwards as he pulled me forward.
He controls me like a father, an abusive husband, cruel demeaning, constantly cutting at my confidence.
This is, I think, why whenever someone tells me to do something, I wish badly to refuse.
His tears mean little to me, as that he refuses any comfort from me, and would never help me on low days. He created my low days.. And every day when I'm reminded, I once again hate him. Hate him for the disrespect, the way he treats me like a little spoiled child, in need of punishment. How he feels, he must punish me. I'm surprised he didn't decide to beat me. His sharp sarcasm, his tone of voice that said, you ignorant little bitch, you have no place in this world and you are useless, you are wrong and you are stupid.. You will never amount to anything, you're a fool and destined to always learn the hard way, those you love use you and those you love mean little.
Maybe that's why when Wess and I first fought, his sarcasm hurt me so much. Words I remember.. That feeling you get.. Sick feeling.
Memories and dull reminders of pain, the hopelessness that now follows his return, that makes my days miserable. My Christmas was sour, and I couldn't tell my family of my newfound love without whispering, because 'it upset Alex'. Just his presence alone upsets me. I've had to deal with it all winter break, and into the very first days of school, which upon I hide my writing and my conversations as he walks by.
He blackmails me with the fact that he can get to anything on the computer, read any of my files, look over any conversation. It stings fear into me.
I'm alone this morning, and without Wess the days run grey. Yesterday, I survived my day knowing that at the end of it he would be there.. But we were unable to speak, as my family got in the way. I nearly cried, because, as I remembered, "this will be the last time we'll be able to speak interrupted, leave me alone..!" I was made to leave early that day. I was right.
I get terribly lonely and hopeless when he's not around, because he's the only one that makes me smile and feel loved.
How I pray for February..... When I will see him, for the very first time.. When I will have him in my arms and he will melt away any fears I have... Distant dreams of my birthday.....
Yesterday
I was playing guitar. My little brother came into my room, I looked up.
"You should come upstairs, Alex is crying and hyperventalating and everything because of his grades and I think we should all give him attention and try to make him feel better, might help.."
Jeezus he was right.
I've never seen a person hyperventilate before.
Sobbing his eyes out, or more, gone into shock and hyperventilating, unable to stop gasping and crying. I don't remember ever seeing him cry.. Maybe once but not this bad.
Course, still being Alex, he refused to let me hold his hand, making it into a fist and pushing my hand away.
Kept on throwing up nothing and he'd gone into a sweat, hyperventilating, sobbing when he would stop, then hyperventalating again.
He was sleeping all day today, and apparently because he was afraid to look. He knew it was bad. When he knew, went into shock, as he's been staying in 'hell' for months, didn't like the school and wasn't doing well.
His ego is a big thing, and knowing he got bad grades in college... not good.
Mom and Dad trying to snap him out of it.. Dad flunked out in college, yet he has a good and very solid job at Boeing, been there more than 25 years. ..
But my question now is.. Does that mean he'll be staying at home?
The answer, if he chooses, is yes....
I can't deal with him being home more than a week or two. He's started countless fights already between me and Carson, claiming I hog the G5 computer too much (we have five computers) and such. I loath having my writings and things strewn all over everywhere on all different computers, so I primarily use one. I had been having a conversation with Weston, it was Christmas, and I wanted to talk to him. But Carson wanted to play a computer that could only work on that computer. I said, I want to talk to my boyfriend on Christmas. They wanted to play games so we argued all the way home, and everyone was against me, bitching at me at once, and I got miserable.
I'm pretty much misearble these days, so he doesn't help that much, besides when he helps me with my math.
School exhausts and stresses me out, and I'm finding my meds don't kill off that nervousness that wracks my mind and body just before school. Feel all queasy and afraid, for no real reason.
He calls my bf an idiot and asks why I love him. Or he mentions to guests how I have an internet boyfriend, therefore automatically giving them the stereotypical image of someone who's fallen for a 40 year old pedophile by chatting.
Mom talks to him sometimes and apparently he said that he wanted me to be with someone who's on my level (aka fairly 'smart'), here and good for me, yet he can't say anything directly to me except 'why do you like that idiot?' and 'you're being really stupid', or 'he's really stupid'.
When I talk about the adventure he's planning on going on, he says 'He's an idiot, I hope he dies'
Thinking of me saying that about his future girlfriend (which he claims, he will never have, doesn't want, and I think I agree..), it's more amazing. I accept that he'll insult everything I do, everyone I love, because that's how he is. But thinking of myself, really puts it in perspective. Amazing that he can be that rude to me. But it's nothing new.
When he's around, I can't speak. Not to my family, can't open my mouth.
(mom's crying now too because she feels bad for putting so much pressure on him)
I have to go, I'm getting very so very paranoid.
And mom asks me what I'm doing, and says to 'do something' instead of sitting around with my music. Sigh. Why do I have to?
Nah, I'm not leaving yet.
I can't think straight.....
-----
"You should come upstairs, Alex is crying and hyperventalating and everything because of his grades and I think we should all give him attention and try to make him feel better, might help.."
Jeezus he was right.
I've never seen a person hyperventilate before.
Sobbing his eyes out, or more, gone into shock and hyperventilating, unable to stop gasping and crying. I don't remember ever seeing him cry.. Maybe once but not this bad.
Course, still being Alex, he refused to let me hold his hand, making it into a fist and pushing my hand away.
Kept on throwing up nothing and he'd gone into a sweat, hyperventilating, sobbing when he would stop, then hyperventalating again.
He was sleeping all day today, and apparently because he was afraid to look. He knew it was bad. When he knew, went into shock, as he's been staying in 'hell' for months, didn't like the school and wasn't doing well.
His ego is a big thing, and knowing he got bad grades in college... not good.
Mom and Dad trying to snap him out of it.. Dad flunked out in college, yet he has a good and very solid job at Boeing, been there more than 25 years. ..
But my question now is.. Does that mean he'll be staying at home?
The answer, if he chooses, is yes....
I can't deal with him being home more than a week or two. He's started countless fights already between me and Carson, claiming I hog the G5 computer too much (we have five computers) and such. I loath having my writings and things strewn all over everywhere on all different computers, so I primarily use one. I had been having a conversation with Weston, it was Christmas, and I wanted to talk to him. But Carson wanted to play a computer that could only work on that computer. I said, I want to talk to my boyfriend on Christmas. They wanted to play games so we argued all the way home, and everyone was against me, bitching at me at once, and I got miserable.
I'm pretty much misearble these days, so he doesn't help that much, besides when he helps me with my math.
School exhausts and stresses me out, and I'm finding my meds don't kill off that nervousness that wracks my mind and body just before school. Feel all queasy and afraid, for no real reason.
He calls my bf an idiot and asks why I love him. Or he mentions to guests how I have an internet boyfriend, therefore automatically giving them the stereotypical image of someone who's fallen for a 40 year old pedophile by chatting.
Mom talks to him sometimes and apparently he said that he wanted me to be with someone who's on my level (aka fairly 'smart'), here and good for me, yet he can't say anything directly to me except 'why do you like that idiot?' and 'you're being really stupid', or 'he's really stupid'.
When I talk about the adventure he's planning on going on, he says 'He's an idiot, I hope he dies'
Thinking of me saying that about his future girlfriend (which he claims, he will never have, doesn't want, and I think I agree..), it's more amazing. I accept that he'll insult everything I do, everyone I love, because that's how he is. But thinking of myself, really puts it in perspective. Amazing that he can be that rude to me. But it's nothing new.
When he's around, I can't speak. Not to my family, can't open my mouth.
(mom's crying now too because she feels bad for putting so much pressure on him)
I have to go, I'm getting very so very paranoid.
And mom asks me what I'm doing, and says to 'do something' instead of sitting around with my music. Sigh. Why do I have to?
Nah, I'm not leaving yet.
I can't think straight.....
-----
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
A new beginning, today...
A fresh start. An unanimous writer, a face in the crowd.
My mask is freshly drawn, dried, and strung.. Now I put it on, once more.
Who are you. What is your name. What is your life...
You don't know. Not a word has been said.
But as time goes on, my story will unfold, unravelling strings and weaving them from this thread that is my blood, body, soul.. to weave them into sentences strung out over time. You shall witness every emotion, love, tear, and change in my life.
With this mask, you'll draw for me your own face, your own image...
How do you see me? How will you?
Pull your hands from we clay and what do you see? You mold me together from the little you know, to fold and beat through to make the curve or a face, the grooves to be soon eyes, a nose, a mouth and two ears, if you find it fitting.. Blind dumb and deaf? However you decide..
Over time, maybe, the face you create from this faded image of me will solidfy, and you can no longer change the features, colors, because I am who you wish me to be.. Maybe your impression, will be cut in stone.
Will my eyes stay closed or open? Do I smile as I talk? What color are my eyes? My expression? Do you see a child, adult, young man or young woman? Do you see beauty, or some sort of flaw in this face? What What am I? Raceless, bodyless, seamless?
Draw out my soul.
Maybe someday.. You can tell me what you see. What you see these eyes as, what you see me as looking like, sounding like, being like. It's completely up to you. Male, female, tall short, big little.. Gay, straight, bi... I would wonder, what you would see, if I was not who I am, bound by body and bound to be, forever the same, forever me...
Over the days, you'll hear bad poetry, lyrics, little worries and foolish dreams, maybe things you see as reckless, or silly. Some days I may write things directed at one person, letters and questions, heard or not.. I hold no secrets, I have no care, because what you make me is of no concern.
Friends who find me, please, you may call me by name but nothing more. My age, looks, grade, sexual orientation, gender, that should be kept to yourself. I'm giving all who witness, a choice to form me as they will, until I decide to draw out myself as I truly am..
If you go against this, I will remove what is said.
Welcome or unwelcomed.. I present myself now.
So, who shall I be?
A fresh start. An unanimous writer, a face in the crowd.
My mask is freshly drawn, dried, and strung.. Now I put it on, once more.
Who are you. What is your name. What is your life...
You don't know. Not a word has been said.
But as time goes on, my story will unfold, unravelling strings and weaving them from this thread that is my blood, body, soul.. to weave them into sentences strung out over time. You shall witness every emotion, love, tear, and change in my life.
With this mask, you'll draw for me your own face, your own image...
How do you see me? How will you?
Pull your hands from we clay and what do you see? You mold me together from the little you know, to fold and beat through to make the curve or a face, the grooves to be soon eyes, a nose, a mouth and two ears, if you find it fitting.. Blind dumb and deaf? However you decide..
Over time, maybe, the face you create from this faded image of me will solidfy, and you can no longer change the features, colors, because I am who you wish me to be.. Maybe your impression, will be cut in stone.
Will my eyes stay closed or open? Do I smile as I talk? What color are my eyes? My expression? Do you see a child, adult, young man or young woman? Do you see beauty, or some sort of flaw in this face? What What am I? Raceless, bodyless, seamless?
Draw out my soul.
Maybe someday.. You can tell me what you see. What you see these eyes as, what you see me as looking like, sounding like, being like. It's completely up to you. Male, female, tall short, big little.. Gay, straight, bi... I would wonder, what you would see, if I was not who I am, bound by body and bound to be, forever the same, forever me...
Over the days, you'll hear bad poetry, lyrics, little worries and foolish dreams, maybe things you see as reckless, or silly. Some days I may write things directed at one person, letters and questions, heard or not.. I hold no secrets, I have no care, because what you make me is of no concern.
Friends who find me, please, you may call me by name but nothing more. My age, looks, grade, sexual orientation, gender, that should be kept to yourself. I'm giving all who witness, a choice to form me as they will, until I decide to draw out myself as I truly am..
If you go against this, I will remove what is said.
Welcome or unwelcomed.. I present myself now.
So, who shall I be?
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