Future Hopes

Who would ever think it could get this far?
Who could ever think that a year of love could turn to this?
A year and I've bet my heart it's going to work. Ring, marriage.. I've bet my life at 16.
And by my character, is it so unusual? I've been looking for sir prince charming since age 10. Six years later, booya. Found him.
He ain't as I pictured, no no. But god, has he got the charm. Those words and I melt like the day he said yes.
And like the good fiancé he is, he's coming. Coming to stay. No more goodbyes...
How many goodbyes so far? He said goodbye before we even met and I still have trouble forgiving him for that. "Fuck! He does this just before Valentine's day! But don't all guys do that?"
I remember what I did that day.
I went down to University Village and tried to cuss it off, in a way. Went with my mom, and shared my greif. My frustration. I was stubborn, I was in denial. Irony was, a guy flirted with me that day, but it was the first time it ever happened. I was almost saying in my head 'ha, see, I can get guys, take that' but nothing would really take away the lonliness I felt that day. I felt like he was breaking up with me that day. I felt he couldn't take it, so that was that. Gone. "Why did he have to do it before Valentine's Day? Before my birthday..?" was in tears.
He didn't last long though. Long enough to scare me, but not long enough to leave me empty.
I removed his picture that day. I was trying to be open to dating people, I was trying to pretend I was open. Course I didn't want to date anyone.
I emailed him, even though I wasn't supposed to. His response was short and poetic. It was tantalizing and painful.
Like all our goodbyes though, it was only temporary.
That was our first goodbye. The rest were from visits, plane rides back and forth.
Second was April... Then I visited... Then he visited for three weeks.. And he visited again recently. Were those all the times? It's amazing how you forget.
Five goodbyes. Sixth in January.
But after that... no more.
The last goodbye was the hardest. Tears on both ends. It never felt so hard to let go before. The drive was bittersweet. I pretended we were just going for a drive, but I let it sink in as we drew closer. We listened to our songs. That helped but didn't. Emotional, to say the least. Held him tight the whole ride. At the airport we stopped in front of the security entrance, I coudn't just say goodbye and let him go. Hug after hug and we finally tore apart and said goodbye. I couldn't walk off, so I stood aimlessly, watching him. Cried a lot. Hurts even to think about.
September 11th 2006 is a funny day for such a wonderful thing to happen. He proposed.
We bought the ring together. The jewler advised a stronger jem, but I like topaz too much to care if it wears out. I figure, with a laugh, that would just give him a chance to propose to me again.
He likes to do it over and over again. He has once in person, but he asks me every now and then.
He says he's going to propose to me again in his living room, in front of the Christmas tree.
That will be a warm and happy time.
But right now I feel cold and nostolgic. Never a good thing.

What Crap

So hungry that I feel sick.
I slept through dinner, and now I wake again at 5 Am with an empty stomach, no lunch, no dinner, empty. Sick.
Was going to make myself a waaay past midnight dinner but found that there are no noodles in the cabinet. Bah. So I eat a banana and some ritz peanut-butter thingies. Now my stomach is no longer jabbing from the inside.

Today I was on the phone with my fiance, getting annoyed as someone wasn't taking the hint that the line was busy, trying to call over and over. After about half an hour my mom came in, sounding annoyed, saying I had to hang up the phone right now. That it was apparently an emergency, and Robin had been trying to call. Emergency or not, I was very much bothered.
I was more bothered when they didn't need the phone and the emergency wasn't an emergency, but simply stupidity.
The emergency was this- my little brother's best friend was over at his house, which mind you, is ONE house away from his, and his mom didn't know where he was and -assumed- we weren't home because the line was busy! Jesus fucking christ!
I'm growing irritated at the increasing need for the line to be open. It's a five-person family, they shouldn't expect the line to be open all the time. Mom has long blabbers with old friends, I have long blabbers with my fiance whom I miss to death. Normally I would just chat with him but he's in NY, without a computer. And I need to take care of him.
So mom made me hang up on him, and I got upset so I went to sleep ignoring everyone when she said about two minutes later that I could have the phone back. I mean for fuck's sake.. Why the hell did you make me hang up on him?? There's a line two you know, and in my room, it only has line one!
After a half-nap I went into deep sleep, and that was at about 5 PM.
Now, I woke up, at 5 AM.
God-damn.

I'm afraid I missed something, I'm afraid he could maybe not be okay, I'm afraid that he was having thoughts again.
He was alone at central park and he's been really depressed for several days now. I need to be there for him... I needed to be there for him.. God I wish I was.
Fucking house.

That was the last real thing I said to him before hanging up. "I hate this effing house" "Now don't get upset or angsty about it, just text me when I can call back, okay?" "mm......" "It'll be fine, don't worry. I love you baby" "I love you too.. bye..." "bye"
Haven't had the chance to talk to him since.
It's morning over there, 8 AM... So I'm going to call him now to make up for it.

I'm so sorry I fell asleep Wess..

October 13th

Using lipstick to cross off the days until I see him again. Kind of ironic.
Near-crying again. Well, cried a bit and then stopped. Too stressed to cry.

Do you really think I care -what- Daniel is like?? I know she's a mess and I don't like her, that's all there is too it. I know she's someone I never want to be. I don't want you to explain her fucking disorder to me and make up excuses for why she's a druggie and why she's a near-whore.

I'm writing this here in hopes you will stay out of my life, as I want all of my family to.
As I say.. Friends, read my personal thoughts if you want, but I never, ever, want a word out of you.

I'm emotional again. Carson has three fucking friends over and Dad fucked up the TV. My favorite show cut out in the middle because he was too lazy to use tapes, even though he keeps a supply of more than 5,000 sheets of paper that he never bothers to use. I hate this house. It's just a.. a... the very symbol of waste. Waste and too many possessions.

Now I am crying. God, I still need to work on it.. ........ .But.... ......... Is it a sin to realize that he reads these still? And can I really stop him from that? I don't look anymore.. I don't check. But I know that he looks.

My head hurts so I start crying and then stop and just hurt. Sweating a lot and head is full of shit.

I need a sanctuary. My room is hardly one. I can't avoid my social anxiety when I have the most social brother on earth. Three friends at once today!!! Why the fuck.

What bullocks!

10th

Jealousies

October 10th.

Why is she so attached to him..?
I know best friends are close, but he's been gone anyway. What do they really do besides text? She needs him that much?
Was that crush really just an emotional day's result?
Crying on the phone when he's going to be gone for a few weeks..
It's not like she won't be seeing him soon anyway.
This makes me feel sick to the stomach.
Kind of a 'I need him, not you!' and a feeling of fear and not wanting him taken away from me.
I need him.. stop needing him too. Please go away and be happy with someone else.. Because he's not yours, he's mine.. Please, please stop needing him.

I felt better for a second. But now I feel icky again. I really did feel better though, so it's so ironic. Please don't make me feel bad, I know it's natural for your best friend to want to say goodbye on the phone.. But...... How can I not believe she feels something for you? And how can that not make me afraid?
I know you're not leaving, I just want her to go away. Or at least have the ability to leave you alone for a week.

My eyes are tired. I'm tired. I feel like the longer I'm away the more these things bother me. The more I feel like my time with him is being taken away by his other gal-friends. The more I need him.

"I'm all she's got to confide in"

How hard it is for him and her to separate just makes me feel more sick. Like they -need- each other.
How in all this time can she have not found anyone else to talk to?
I'm falling apart in so many ways.. Why must you take him from me?
You may act more messed up but in ways I believe I'm hurting a lot more than you. I need him a lot more than you do.
They were the only ones I could confide in, and with that I fell in love with them. Is that why I feel so worried?
I couldn't go without them for long... Please don't say you're the same.
I want him to be mine... I don't want to share him.. Yet I constantly am...
Endless thoughts it seems, these days are taking me in and leaving me without much spirit.

You guys talk that much..? I feel like you could be telling her more and confiding in her more than you do me.. I'm jealous, obviously. I don't want there to be anyone else..
....I just refrained from calling them lovebirds. "I'm not keeping you.... two from seeing each other"
I'd rather not poke at sarcasm at this point, because I don't want to fight more, and I don't have a good reason to.

Aye... now we're going to have to argue about it, huh...

Pure lyrics, Lightning Seeds

night time slows, raindrops splash rainbows
perhaps someone you know, could sparkle and shine
as daydreams slide to color from shadow
picture the moonglow, that dazzles my eyes
and I love you

just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple every time
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple every time

dreams of sights, of sleigh rides in seasons
where feelings not reasons, can make you decide
as leaves pour down, splash autumn on gardens
as colder nights harden, their moonlit delights
and I love you

just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple every time
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple every time

look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple every time
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
i'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you

if love's the truth then look no lies
and let me swim around your eyes
I've found a place I'll never leave
shut my mouth and just believe
love is the truth I realize
not a stream of pretty lies
to use us up and waste our time

lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple everytime
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime

look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple everytime
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
I'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you
pure and simple just for you

Amusing

I was laughing at the mall... Because once again, my mom was asking both Dad and I and the air around us, "Is it REALLY possible for two people to just sleep in the same bed together without doing anything??"
She can't fathom ever sleeping in the same bed as a guy without having sex or doing something. That really made me laugh. I love to cuddle with Wess so jeez. She then said "It would be torture!"
Course it's tempting but... every night? Cuddling is so relaxing, who would want to ruin a perfectly good moment like that with sex? Well, at some points but -always-? Nope nope.
For us it would be more tempting considering we don't see each other very much and we don't know when we'll see each other after this. But for an ordinary couple..? How could they not just fall asleep together sometimes? How odd.

Mom and dad are playing Bust-a-Move. "Miss T sucks!" Mom is saying.
Today at the mall she went to Body Works to issue a complaint about their candle burning. Apparently the scent was vanilla, and it was flooding most of the mall with a scent I would call 'melted, or burning candy mixed with cologne'. I say, if you can't get them to stop burning candles, then at least have them choose something that smells nice like pear.. Something sweet and not disgustingly thick. At first we thought it was coming from Hollister co. but it ends up it was the candles across from them.. She talked to them and I pretended not to know her, waiting out on a bench far away. She told me that they said their manager had them burn two candles all day. They gave her a number to whine at, as that as employees the weren't allowed to change what rules were issued.

Now mom is looking at the background of Bust-a-Move and saying it looks like floating bologna.. 'it's ridiculous, why would someone choose floating bubbles of that color? It looks like bologna!'
She's interesting. But endlessly amusing.

I think I want to be remembered

Why else would I scrounge his every word at age 14, for any sign of myself?
It just makes me get a headache, remembering his journals were known to me to never, ever, make sense. And if they do I read them wrong. He writes in code, and backwards. He never uses names, he uses titles, he never writes a straight sentence.
So it's mostly pointless.

I do it when I'm lonely. Because I want to be remembered?

It's funny.. Really funny actually... .. .. in a sick way? I'm talking about something else now..
I always daydreamed being brought to the hospital in critical condition and staying there with people worrying about me. I got my wish on Thursday!
Maybe not as dramatic as one would hope, but it was the emergency room, and it was for 8 hours. And I was 'severely dehydrated'. Not all that cool either. But one of my worst fears is something happening to my body. I'm afraid of getting near anything that could affect my body in any way negatively (besides food). Inhaling something, something under my skin, parasites.. I take my condition very seriously, because I'm afraid I could mess something in my delicate internal workings and die.
You know what I thought in the hospital, after a few hours?.. "I don't want to die."
I was just sick, but god, it wasn't going away. I was afraid I'd have a fever forever. It'd been 4 days.. The fever went down, but once I fell asleep, I woke up on fire. So it felt like a never-ending cycle of pain. The meds weren't working.. So I thought I could die that way. I couldn't eat anything at all, I thought to myself "I'm withering away huh.." I started throwing up water. So what better to happen.. I would stop being able to eat, lose a bunch of weight, become seriously dehydrated and unable to drink, and then die.

Wess.. he's beautiful.
Very depressing but very beautiful.
I was in the shower before he was going to call last night, before he was crying and before I knew anything about his side of my ER night..
I was smiling at the reflection as I got out, a rare thing. I no longer looked like a zombie, the rashes were slowly receding from my stomach and arms, and my hair was actually a good length. Face was clear too, because my nervous fingers didn't have as much time to attack. (both my parents said I looked especially cute today)
And what'd I think when I looked? I grinned big, stared for a bit, and then gave a big, clasp-handed "THANK YOU!" and said half sarcastically "Confidence is mine!"
I wasn't saying thank you for being blessed with survivable looks. I was saying "THAAAAAAANK YOU" for him.

Wess expresses his love in the strangest way - through his sadness. He shows it best that way. In his fear, in his care, he shows it.

The night I was in the ER... I sent Wess a text message. I was laying on the bed thing and knew that cellphones weren't supposed to be on, but the nurse was like 'ehhh, it's fine'. I told him, "I'm in the ER." I waited a few minutes, no response. "Emergency room, bleegh.." still nothing for quite a while. I figured there was faulty connection, and shrugged. I checked about ten, twenty minutes later it vibrated. All it said was "Why?" I told him about it and such, and later on he said he left a message on the cellphone, and to have me call whenever I could to let him know how I was doing. I told my mom to go outside and call him, so she did.
I spent 8 hours there, rest of the night I kept the cellphone off, figuring I shouldn't be breaking rules if I wanted to get well. They stabbed one of my 'wonderful' veins and I took in 3 liters of water-like-substance. It made my arm cold.
I was fairly uncomfortable. My stomach was still killing me, but my fever was slowly fading away. I watched WWII on TV and watched them steal silverware from the Nazi meeting room. "Not every day your girlfriend gets a gift from Hitler!"

Anyway, the night went like that. I had nasty medicines that made me feel terrible right before I left, and regained my fever right when I got home. "great" I thought. I didn't go back though.

I found out last night what Wess had been doing all this time. In tears last night he told me, once he got the text message, without hesitation he went over to his mom's room and cried his eyes out. I figured he'd panic at least slightly, but that? I don't know. He said he didn't know how I was doing, tried to call multiple times, and just didn't know what to expect, what condition I was in, etc etc. He couldn't sleep that night.
Just the thought of anything happening to me makes him sick to his stomach. Just the nightmares he has about me make him cry when he wakes up, and the dreams he has where he can't hold me leave him shaken.
When he told me in depth about this, I was speechless. It was 4 AM too, how would I respond to him..?
It was beautiful.
It's almost sick of me.. but it's beautiful. Can you understand? I've wanted someone to worry about me for all my life. Wanted there to be someone who actually would worry sick about me and actually give a damn when these things happen. Someone who my life means something to. And not just when I'm hurt, not just when I'm sick, not just when you're supposed to.. He can't live without me. And that means so much, and shows so much depth to how much I mean to him.
'I want to be needed' or, I want to be someone's angel, as I say when I get over-emotional.


And now a bitch is staring at me. I finish this entry here.

I've realized...

I -need- to stalk people.
That sounds terrible, no? But I do it all the time. Not like, in real life... ("IRL" sounds too cyber-ish to be used)
In real life I'm p-p-paranoid. They give me a weird look, I get nervous. Wouldn't ever think of that kind of stalking.
I think it's my fascination with secrets. Secrets and the sides I don't usually get to see.
Find myself surfing around, reading, looking about..
I tend to only do it with people know, curious as to who their friends are and what they're thinking. Finding such things is easy with places like blogs, myspace, etc etc.. And all those communities that obviously state who they care about and what their opinions are.
What I find myself doing in my spare time as I sit in my pajamas still a bit queasy from sickness, with Wess going to bed out of both angst and exhaustion.. is seeing what he's said. I like to use it to poke fun at him occasionally, because sometimes he says sarcastic things that I could be offended by if he meant it. Such as.. I went looking at the comments of all the girls he knew, looking at his comments on their pictures. I noticed, that on -any- that showed any bare chest whatsoever (I don't mean chest-chest, I mean literal) he'd say something about their boobs. And with one friend it was her legs he always mentioned. So I gave him a hard time for that.
It's also my way of laughing at how much he worries, because if it was the other way around, heeeeee'd worry a helluva lot. He'd have multiple panic thinking sessions and be convinced after texting all his gal-friends about it that I was going to, whether I particularly wanted to or not, cheat on him.
When I noticed that I mostly just rolled my eyes, and thought to myself, 'shouldn't he kind of be aware that making those jokes would make any normal girlfriend paranoid?'
It still baffles me that he's not clingy. For the amount he worries, he should be clingy. But I guess what he doesn't know doesn't bother him? I just picture him freaking out if he heard I was going to some party at night. Well, he's not that bad, but if there were a lot of cute guys there or any guys I conversed with, sure he'd worry.
I'm the clingy one, he's the worry-wart.

Another reason why the whole boob thing just rolled right off my back.. He gets himself so upset over the idea of not being good enough for me (that sounds so strange to say... 'as if' is all that comes to mind) that I know he wouldn't be serious about any of that stuff. He's not the guy who checks girls out and stuff.. Mostly I've just heard stories of his funny friends dragging him out with them and causing scenes involving that. He's not a huge boob fan anyway.

Speaking of boobs.. Haha. Watching porn with him was funny. Happy 18th to him? I'm wondering how the heck it first came up.. Did he just randomly mention one time the fact that at 3 AM or so there's porn on TV? It's kind of disturbing to hear that in the background of your phone conversation. Funny and gross at the same time. "What're they doing now?" "Two blondes and a redhead having a threesome" "hahaha gross" "Oh ew, her face looks plastic and her boobs are huge" We've had conversations like that. To us porn is mostly a joke. I was icked out to notice that the guys were always so old looking. "Gross, why do they always choose old guys?" "I don't know.."
We questioned why the TV ones bothered trying to have a plot..

After saying that, I'll say, I'm quite pure and demure! Demure is a fun word, I just got the thesaurus for that one. It sounds almost snobby.

... hm. And off subject (doesn't matter, it's my blog).. Eh.. .....
I need to find his shirt, and the letter. Mom cleaned my room whilst I was sick. Maybe I'll write tonight, I seem to be alright for it, unless I burn myself out on this.

From D.A. journal

Finally dragged my ass upstairs to write this, now that I can.
I would've on a laptop, but that hurt my eyes..

Anyway, since Thursday I've been -very- sick. I got sick on Thursday with a... 101 F fever or so? Since I got sick I threw up at least once a day, and I couldn't really eat anything. I took medicine and everything, but my virus was immune to things that would lower my fever.
The doctor said it should be over within 72 hours, but it wasn't.. Went down to 99 then up to 102.9 again.
Sooooo I got to go to the emergency room day before yesterday. They gave me 3 liters of water (er.. water-ish-stuff) through an IV and when I got home, my fever went up again. Fun fun fun.
My fever's finally lowering, but my stomach feels iffy.
I'm annoyed because I've had my two most miserable sicknesses this summer... Bleck.
I better feel better soon, I'll be so pissed off if I get all sick again.

Theadooora

Writing this sitting at a... Windows XP probably, waiting for my next appointment. I'm the assistant who is working with people to teach them how to use a computer if they want to learn. On the first day, four people signed up. One for an hour, the rest half an hour. The first forgot their password, so will be back tomorrow after they call their girlfriend to find it out. Someone should be coming soon..

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Tasty.

This afternoon I received my fiance's 4-month-late Valentine's Day gift.
It was simply splendid.
Currently I'm drinking one of the eight (about) flavors of hot chocolate he sent me. Peppermint. It's really good. The brand is Sunny's Holiday and it's a relative's hot chocolate factory.
I'm scared to try Jalapeno flavored hot chocolate...

I get a wave of fond memories while drinking it. The smell strongly reminds me of my Christmas scratch-and-sniff book I had when I was little. My favorite was the smell of the tree and the smell of the peppermints.. There was also a Raggedy Anne scratch-and-sniff book that had peppermint smell. Anyway, it smells just like this hot chocolate. Like I'm eating the scratch-and-sniff book..... Yum. :P But it's good, very good.
I'm accustomed to adding hot milk instead of hot water to hot chocolate.. (lot of hot) So I'll ask if it works.. I don't want to waste one of three servings on something that doesn't work. I guess it would but I'm going to ask anyway. Because it tastes a little watery. ...It's like flavored water!
Yum. I wonder if Carson would like it too. He might.
The powder is extremely fine and I found even in the closed bag, little spurts of powder would escape when I squeezed. I opened the bag, and to my surprise it was white, not brown. Couldn't help but think 'crack!!'. It turned brown in the water though.
I'm currently wearing the silver locket Wess got me. I'm very happy to. <3 It's beautiful.

I'm tired, don't want to sleep. Guess I'll play some Chibi-Robo and sleep on the couch, or just do it as I sip my hot chocolate.

My Cat is Calling Me

She's telling me to go to bed. Hopped on my lap then on the table, back down. Guess I should be going then hmm?
Hard to decide. Future pet- bunny, ferret, or bunny? Besides the already owned cat.. Hm. (she's coming with me, for sure)
I was grocery shopping and I saw a fake wedding cake.. Made me think, 'wow, I have to choose that too huh'. Maybe I should start mapping out our wedding. Two years early? Hm.. Eh, some things.
I'm really out of shape so I'm going to exercise tomorrow morning (if I wake in time) and drink water, and sorta map out my food. Eh.. Try, try. I figure I may as well make use of my summer break and attempt to get something self-rewarding.

God. I'm so tempted to take a nice long baaaath.. On mom and I's insane 'grab-everything-you-want' grocery trip at 11 PM tonight, I got some nice new bubble bath stuff. And my aunt randomly gave me bath salt while my teeth were pulled; Maybe she didn't want it? She tends to give spare things that she thinks I'd like. Bath stuff.. <3 I like the smells.. The smells are the best. I also love the completely clean feeling you get when you bother to take a while. I'm so inspired to take a bath at 2 AM (now) and clean my room and make everything -fresh-! I guess my mom will be like 'whatever' about it. I'm staying up late anyway so... Wouldn't hurt to make use of it? Ahhh the cleaning spree feeling.
I need to write down a daily 'must do' list so I'll be more responsible. Like my pills, I need to quit forgetting. I forget and take it a bit late, just hours late but still.
Also I need to make that sign up sheet.. For the Theadora where I'll be working.. Mmm.

Day Four Of Hell

Ugh, I'm sick of this.
That's all there is to it. Today at 11:30 I had a doctor appointment. In the waiting room were three old ladies, a 19 year old girl (or so) myself and my mom. I looked through People Magazine for the second or third time in my life in that waiting room. It was a long wait, and for a ridiculously short appointment. All I did was open my mouth, he made sure it was healing right, (about ten second process) and then said have a good summer.
He was old and quite the character. He said that people get their wisdom teeth out early because usually the bone is more flexible, but I had a hard head. With that he said, whatever guy I end up with should watch out. I told Wess this and he said he already noticed.
Current pain level- five out of ten.
The pain killers are sloooooooooowly kicking in. the first two days it was at about 8 or 7. To the point of making you crazy staring at the window waiting for your jaw to stop throbbing.

Last night wasn't very fun, I must say. Wess had a momentary breakdown and I suddenly questioned everything. It wasn't much. Wess just has a lot of friends who are falling apart in some ways right now, so he's really worried. I didn't realize he was upset until I said the wrong things and did the wrong things, so I let him leave.
I was exhausted, worn, and very miserable.
For once, I knew he was crying and didn't call. For once, I thought to myself... 'please, just leave him alone.. please, just don't make it worse..'
Words sting when they're the truth.
I couldn't stand it so I ended up calling after he said he was going to bed in his away message.
He answered his cell, which has next to no signal, so he called me back.
I said I was sorry, and sighed. Mostly silent after that.
He then let out what was bothering him. Lastly he told me what me, his fiance, was doing to make it worse. I took it silently, knowing I deserved it. My mind went to a poem I once heard. "Opening my mouth like a bird to willingly take the poison you believe is yours to administer and mine to take" The words stabbed me on the inside. Truth hurts. Flaws I can't seem to hold back.
I closed my eyes, listening silently. 'anything to make him feel better..' I whispered in my mind.
There was a very long silence after that. I wanted him to say more. To tell me what I did, to make me hurt for it so I would stop..
"I love you" I could hardly hear his voice "what.. did you say something..?" "I said I love you" "..why..?" "What do you mean why? How could you ask why?" "Why do you say this.. why now..?" "Because I do Tanya. Even when I'm annoyed at you, I still love you."

I wanted to cry then. I couldn't. I was too tired, too exhausted. But I just wanted a release. I wanted to cry hard. My breath came out in mock sobs, tearless. "What are you doing..." came his reluctant voice. I said nothing. More long silence, only filled by my breath. "Are you crying..?" Silence, and then "I'm too exhausted to cry". More silence, and then "Equivalent of crying without tears." He sighs at that.
"Tanya.. listen to me.. you're not a bad fiance, you're not a bad girlfriend.."
With this came real tears. Did he read it? Did he? Just an hour before I had written Terrible girlfriend, or should I say, fiance. I won't call myself that until he actually asks. Currently I'm feeling like nothing of the sort.. Just another person adding to the problem. Cried with the words. 'yes I am.. yes I am...' my mind responded. "Please don't cry. You don't need this, you don't need to wake up to even more pain, sobbing will make it worse, please stop crying" 'I don't care' more sobs came with this.
"It's okay.." I just cried harder, pressing my aching face into the blankets on the couch to muffle the sound, tears leaking from the corners of my eyes, hiccuping on choked back sobs.
"Am I not still here Tanya? Did I not say I would go through -anything- for you? I'm not going to leave you. Yes I get annoyed at you, yes I get pissed at you sometimes, but it doesn't make me love you any less. I don't love you any less" Course, at this point, it didn't matter what he said, I'd continue crying. "I'm here Tanya.. please stop crying.." More sobbing. "Tanya, I'm begging you, please stop.. Please calm down.." At the time, I could care less if he begged or got on his knees to make me stop crying. Crying was all I wanted to do. "Take deep breathes... calm down.. I'm here.."
Eventually it died down, though the occasional shudder of a sob would leak through.
I stopped, wiping my eyes and nose.
"Please talk to me.."
"What do you want to know.....?"
"Well gosh.. you just spent.. what.. more than 20, no 30 minutes crying, there must be something going through your head.."
I sighed. "Which? What I was thinking then or now?"
"Both... then and now.. I just want to know, what's going through your head.."
Silence.
"Please tell me.."
Again I sighed, trying to sort my thoughts in my head.
"I'll tell you" "mmkay.." "Just... don't say anything..." "Okay" "not until I finish....."
So I took a deep breath, and after a long pause, I slowly explained everything that was plaguing me. How I was disgusted at myself, how I felt like a terrible girlfriend for the way I act.
I told him how I wished I could just leave him alone for a day, how for some reason I can't stand not knowing where he is or what he's doing. How I hated how I nag him about things, how I miss him constantly. I said that I can't stop thinking about him, that I obsess over him, and I wish I'd just let him have a life. That I feel like I'm dragging him here to talk to me, that I feel like I'm a burden. How I'm upset that I can't help him more. How I wish I wasn't so obsessively intimate, how I can't stop thinking about his touch and what it was like to hold him. How I couldn't even before I met him. I told him I think about it every day and I yearn for it every day, that if I had the choice I would keep him on the phone every night to fall asleep with him, just so I could have the illusion of being by his side. How I want to wake him from his nightmares and want to fall asleep on the phone with him, or simply listen to his sleep. How I feel stupid and selfish with how I want him to be with me constantly. How I wish I could go everywhere with him, and don't want to ever let go. How I feel like such a burden to him. That I can't stop, wish I could, can't, can't stop thinking can't stop wanting and can't stop the need to be with him every moment of the day.

I sighed and with that finished.

He then told me..
I know what I'm saying now, and I know how it sounds and what it means, but I mean every word of it... .I don't care. I don't care that you're so attached, I don't care that you nag, I don't care about any of that. I don't want you to change. I've come to terms with all of that. I've come to terms that you probably won't ever be able to change any of it.. and I don't care.
I don't want you to be less attached.. I don't want you to talk to me less. Do you think I'm on the phone with you all night not wanting to fall asleep with you? I could just as easily say 'I have to go to bed, goodnight', but I stay. I -want- to do that with you, and I want to talk to you that much. You're not a burden.. Ask anyone and they'd say I'm happy to be with you. You make me happy.. It's all worth it, for the times we smile and laugh together.
When I talk to you, I don't talk to anyone else.. If anyone else talks to me, I don't say much. I put all my energy into talking to you because I want to give you the most thoughtful answers and to pay the most attention to you. I don't want to talk to anyone else as much as I want to with you.
I need you in my life Tanya.. I need you. I don't know what I'd do without you.. (at this point, his voice strains, like he's about to cry) I honestly think I'd die without you! How could you think I could leave... I told you.. I promised, although maybe not so obviously as you did, I'm not going to leave.. Not until you do.. I don't care what you do, I don't care how much we fight, I'll move on and I'll always forgive you. And I'll always love you. I don't want you to change.. I don't want you to make those things go away. I want you to be you Tanya.. I want you to remain you, who I fell in love with. All I ask is for you to... To put it simply, not be a bitch when things don't go your way, when I can't do things and when things don't work.. I don't care about the rest... And even if you can't change that, I'll always stay....

With the long string of spilling emotions finished, I whispered "I'm sorry.."
"Your forgiven baby" he said "I love you, with all my heart"
"I love you too.. more than anything

So if I had doubted how long he could stand me, how long he could stand my whining and bitching and impatience, there's my answer..

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, you know? It's so true. So true.
With our fights and breakdowns I just learn even more of how much he loves me and how much I love him, and we somehow allow ourselves to get closer as we smooth the wrinkles in our relationship.

Still engaged, without hesitation.

I'm always afraid he won't forgive me, that I truly hurt him bad by not being reliable or not being good enough.. But he continues to prove he loves me just as I am. He continues to forgive my dumb mistakes and continues to comfort me even when I pissed him off just hours before.
It's amazing, and strange...

Such stories come from this.

Oh, by the way, he's finally sending my Valentine. Four and a half months late, hahahha. Gawd. I sent mine about two months late, so I'm not one to make it look that terrible. But goodness, considering I've only been with him about 7 months, 4 months of putting off a Valentine is quite a while.

Honestly, I don't really care if it sucks, I'm just glad to finally get it. And I love getting things from him. <3

I found it sweet when a few days ago on webcam (HE FINALLY SET ONE UP!!!) he held up the photograph I mailed him. I mailed him a picture of me at 7, with a puffy winter coat and long ratty hair with a poka-dotted dress running with her arms extended wide towards the person with the camera, no doubt my grandma. I wrote on the back 'this will be how I will be when I see you again'

Anyway, quite the long story. I'm done finally.
I guess I should sleep huh.
My daily life can be quite the mess of an adventure. Wess noted, every fight and every little kink in our relationship has always started and ended the night it happens. This I find to be a good thing.

Regards to anyone who reads all of this.
-Tanya.

In pain in a number of ways.. But it always feels better to be clean.
Terrible girlfriend, or should I say, fiance. I won't call myself that until he actually asks. Currently I'm feeling like nothing of the sort.. Just another person adding to the problem.
My stomach is sick. I feel miserable. The pain alone is enough.
Mom kept on staring at me as I walked through the kitchen. "What?" "You just look so sad, so weak.." "What do you expect? I can't even eat.."
That's my excuse. I'm surprised that through these puffed cheeks emotion is still able to be read.
I can't take pain medicine till I eat. And the thought of eating anything right now makes me sick. Torture either way. Either my stomach or my face.. Currently, it's both.
The thought of him sobbing almost drove me to letting go of my 'leave it alone.. let it alone.. leave him alone..' stance, but I have no energy left and what can I say to him? 'It'll be okay'? What will be okay?
It hurts to move my mouth. I tried to call him anyway, yesterday, the day before, the day before.
Pain, more pain. Quite endless... Mental pain, physical pain, mental pain, physical pain.

My face is bruising. A disgusting yellow tint staining my jawline. Bruised apple, best way to describe.
I feel like drawing sad things..

A Girl Engaged

A ring on my finger
a cloud in my hands
a smile on my face
who could understand?
My life is rendered, melted down to joy
my pain obsolete, tears now dry
Your ring, my hand..
My life, my heart,
my future, I part
to him still a boy

With these rings
I beg for your your smile
for every sorrow to be mine
to hold and sweep
into my arms,
and for every tear you’ve shed,
I promise to make you smile..
For each day to take you awake
to reluctantly let you on your way
with slipped heart kiss
and to sing you to sleep,
with this voice, your lullaby
and hold you as we dream..

My eyes are yours to swim
my mouth, your sanctuary
from any hurt, dare it may..
I’ll fight back your shadows,
I’ll cuss out the past
My eyes soft knives
my words administering
to make right of wrong
to what you believed
was your poison to take..

I pray to coax out the smiles
if not, take mine, wide for us both
And I swear I heard your eyes laugh
from the corner of my mouth..

And what words but..
“I love you...” and “I do..”
could ever ring so true
To speak the side of me
you’ve glanced, not seen
Bubbled in sighs,
but strong to scream
Spreading throughout me,
soft like a dream..
What but ‘surreal..’
what but ‘unbelievable’
what but ‘unreal’
could this all be...

You and me..

In My Arms

Fallen behind
what once was mine
Smile, bittersweet memory
Keeping within, I've tried to pretend
it was once a sweet melody
Behind my eyes
are roses and storms
behind yours,
are sticks and stones
I've kept you soft embraced
through every thorn
And as it tears through
I'll keep you still in my arms
I'll keep you still in my arms...
I know I'm not right,
when you say you're all wrong
I know that we'll fight,
from all that we've done
But behind the light,
I can see through your eyes
Wounded animal, wings that can't fly
And I'll keep you forever,
still in my arms
Whether the thorns tear right through me
and scar up and down
I'll keep you still in my arms
I'll keep you still in my arms...

Anxiety

Stress is sort of getting to me again.
Why do I feel so shitty.. I'm trying to figure out....
Mmm... Well....
I'm just experiencing a lot of anxieties.

List.. Think..

I have D's on my progress report, for the first time ever. And some C's, and a B......
I have to do those interviews, and write a paper.. And study for Japanese.
Oh.. the poetry portfolio...
Please hug me.
My parents are obviously disappointed, and don't have faith in me.
I don't really have much faith either, because it's so much for me to take in and try to balance..
English (LA), US History, Biology, Japanese, Math... All ones that require quite a bit of thought. All ones that assign quite a bit of homework and have a lot of tests.
If I had just three classes to concentrate on, I could get A's like I used to.. But five? Five that require equal amount of thought, time, and patience.. Patience I don't have. Discipline that I lost...
I just want to pass with okay grades and be fine..
I want to be able to sit down at the table and just get it all done.. Without my mind always wandering and feeling unnerved just having it in front of me.
Whilst being overwhelmed, I also feel very.... Yearning? Basically I really, really miss Wess right now and something has heightened this feeling, not sure what. More worried more attached more lonely. But.. can it be helped? Considering I had three days with the luxury of his presence, only for it to disappear once again... His lips, his eyes, his hair, his smile, his self... Him carefree and a glimpse at what I want more than anything to be my future....
Just feeling an overwhelming need for him to be here, next to me.. To not fall asleep in an empty bed..

I miss you..

String of Dreams

It was cold.. A long gate ran along the.. mansion. Everything was white, it was snowing. I was barefoot in the snow. I traced my fingers along the tall metal fence, looking at the barbed wire at the top as I walked. I reached the front, where at the entrance were two burning torches. It was the night, and they provided a warm glow to the cold surroundings. The sky was black and I watched the falling snow. I made it to the front gate where the snow was more slush, and you could see a faint gray were the cement would be. I stood in front of it, looking. The only part of the gate that had no barbed wire. I looked down at the latch, which I expected to be locked, but to my surprise the gate was just a bit open. "It's open.." I whispered. I slowly pushed forward, and slipped through the gate. I moved forward down the walk, towards the staircase. I heard a sound behind me, and my head jerked back. I looked and I saw things, creatures, coming behind me. They looked to be dead people, scuttling slowly forward. I ran up to the door, tugging at the doorknob, but it was locked. I looked down and saw a padlock, with a combination. I tugged at it in panic, and then as the creatures drew closer, someone dropped down to land behind me. He was wearing dark clothes and had messy black hair to his shoulders. He stood in a stance to fight, while he turned to me and whispered the combination. 3.... 15... 5... I turned the knob, looking for the numbers. "I have to do it this time.. Maybe I'll be faster.." I unlocked it, dropping the lock to the floor and pushing open the door, slipping in and closing it firmly behind me. I locked it, and exhaled. The mansion was of dark wood, and a few things were familiar. The same desk was in the middle of the room, and the fireplace in the same place. On top of the desk was a glass aquarium that served as a cage, larger than it used to be. Inside was a large mouse, Keebi. I opened the cage and put my hand in, letting it scuttle up and onto my hand, and then off again.

I was in a ship, a car, something that could hover and fly. We were in the dessert, moving towards the rocks dry and grey, of what seemed to be mountains. I opened the side door and moved out, the wind blowing at my hair as I shut it behind me, standing on the ledge. I held two purple wings, and beckoned to people who were passing by, half flying half running. They regarded me. They were purple-skinned from head to toe, with long dark hair and wings. They glared and shook their heads. I heard a voice in my head "If you're not the same, if you're not a fairy too, they won't join you". I succeeded on having other people board, those of almost human features.

I wandered the halls of a prison, looking for a certain cell. I was to be put into one. I found one with a hole in the ceiling, glowing a shade of pink to red. I went into the cell, and then I swung myself up and grabbed the edge of the hole. I looked over the ledge and was looking out at my front yard. My legs swung below me as I tried to pull myself up. Below me and down the hall I heard "you haven't fixed it yet??" and quick footsteps. I pulled myself all the way up, and dropped down into my yard.

Future Thoughts

I've been thinking a lot of my future lately..... What I want, what I'm thinking..
First off, I think of the possibility of my first boyfriend not being the one I end up spending my life with, and it makes me feel sick to the stomach, because I don't want to ever be with anyone but him...
So, my thought is... I imagine because we love each other so much, if we ever break up, we'll someday meet again. If he gets to the point of being so gloomy and so depressed that I can't be around him without hurting, and if that causes me to leave him and be gone for something like a year... I think that either I'll die inside and beg for his return, or he'll beg for me to come back. If neither of those happen, then I'd think he'd come back someday when he felt what caused us to be torn apart was something he had gotten over or I had gotten over, something that was no longer an issue.
We both love each other to pieces, and whenever we fight we're both being idiots in one way or another more so than not getting along.. I can't see not forgiving, and I can't see it getting to the point of wanting to leave each other...

But, now I'm going to be honest..
When I finish college or get well into it, I want him to move in with me.
I want to get into college and get a part-time job, and live in an apartment.. And for him to someday move in with me and we'd split the price.
The thing I really can't do is leave Seattle for good. Because I love this city more than any other, and it's home. Wess has had the experience of moving, but I never have.. So I could never let go of this place.
I'm not saying I won't ever travel.. I'm just saying that I don't want to settle down anywhere else, at least from now till the end of my 20's. I've been kinda cooped up so long that I haven't even opened up to my own home, so I couldn't ditch this place. It has a lot of potential.. And the best weather, weather I'm used to, temperatures I like.
I want to travel to different countries and states and I could stay there weeks or months, but I want to go back to the place I call home, here, Seattle.

If you ever want to live with me Wess, please come to me..
I have so many dreams of things to do with you.

Future... 'if'

Engagement/wedding ring..
Gold band, single or three-stoned. One medium-sized main stone (centered) , and if any others, small set-in stones to each side.
Shape of main stone- either cut in the shape of a heart or a smooth sort of dew-drop
Amethyst, ruby, or sapphire.... Or something cheaper and just as pretty.
Custom made.
If possible.. The band is shaped in a way that the stone appears to be held up by branches or fingers. These fingers/branches hold it, spread apart slightly. An earthy-antiquie style ring.
If not gold, some other warm metal.
Possibly engraved for extra.

For guy, if possible/desired, matching styled ring without stones.

One ring serves as both wedding and engagement, the wedding bands will not hold part in it.


Department store/mall jeweler-bought ring is unacceptable.

A Half-Mindless Freewrite.

Set go. Let it go. Let it be. We're with me and I can see. Blah blah blah and the fan goes whirling round and round, I can't type fast as it though I wish my lightning-quick fingers could match godspeed. Itch, break of conversation. Concentration. The words slip and meld together like melted metal. Soup stains. Stains of chocolate milk out of anger flecked on lightly. Stain of blood on yellow dress. Stain of blood on the pink of a ballroom dance. Painless, though. Soft fabric now, it keeps warm and feels dry. Tired eyes. I'll tell you the worries if what you find isn't too much. I'm demanding, demanding demanding. And one could go mad I feel. I have a high demand on life and everything around me, though I don't ask it, I feel it and only feel it. Never say it. Rest, stop, tired. Tired eyes, yet again. Screen blinding, invisible flickers. Faster than the clicks of time. don't think. don't think don't feel don't worry you can do it find and you will be well as well can be with flowers and eyes that don't follow glossy like those of porcelain dolls, follow. dots cigarettes souvenirs that come in shops and crack as they hit the floor, hold back your tears as they fall, can you let go of it all? can the spaces intetwine and intervene and keep you clean and free of salt studded wetness falling down to dirt to not so fresh waters? Bones and aches, twists in our hearts and doors that don't open. Could it be? We wonder. I don't make sense as I ramble, both tired and bored and without much thought. So let's bring him to mind. Smile. No smile but a smile in my head, knowing smile. Found, found it. Check off the list, we're good. we found a sidekick, we found a connoisseur we found a live-for. We found the shoulder and the hankie and the lips to warm any ache. To catch from any trip to fall. The reflections of water spread like light, pulsing with the trembling of a misplaced leg hard against the wood. Oh but we have things to show, a lot to show. The beams spread apart and widen with themovement and they flicker almost. Hungry only with chocolate in the stomach and taste in the mouth. Paranoia, I can't be here. We already know this.. We don't care.
Call her for me, says the eternally grateful. Like grating cheese. It makes no sense. Is grateful not great? Is it not something of stupendous? Head shoots up to grow towards the door of the light that switches on. Almost what caught us with our pants off. The blinds blow in the wind and the wind is summer-warm. No school is the feeling but sadly not the truth. Studyless. We are unprepared. Coughing realizations. Coughing choking on feelings of course but the coughs are held within. One surfaces. Exhaustion of both pride and joy, too much to handle for one day. We lean in hopes to come closer to the one we owe our lives to. Oh thank you thank you. We don't know how to.. Oh thank you thank you. You feel you owe me for the sour words shared and taken. But I owe you for the honey spread and dripped... never careless. Never cold. Warm as the spring and in anticipation for summer. You were always warm.

Delirium...

"the meal was loose.. the wheel"

Cold and hot at the sametime. Please someone help me.
I'm sick.. And my boyfriend is sad.
Please help me.

Joey, pop up?

Unworthy

I honestly don't know what to write. Usually I say that and then write more than a page, but in this case, I'm not so sure. The cellphone's sitting next to the mouse pad. At once point I grabbed it and dragged it around trying to use it as a mouse on accident. Next to the cellphone is the camera. I pause to picture myself now. Should I show myself? Hm. Yeah sure.
I watch the photos as they import. Trying to capture myself without shaking the camera and without a fake smile.



There I am, at this minute.

Sitting with headphones on listening to more new songs, with my pajamas on and my hair slowly growing back.
I'm tired.
I'm worried too. Because I have a kanji test tomorrow. I'm terrible at kanji. But I guess if I memorize it I'll be fine.. But 20..? 20 is a lot.. And I have to bring a poem worthy to read in front of a symphony-theatre-sized audience. God I'm not worthy. That's all I can tell you..... How can I touch everyone in my few and only moments ever talking through my soul to an audience? Not like I talk to people at all.. It's the only chance I'll get to be listened to when I speak from my inner mind. I can't see it ever happening again..
Sigh and stress. Tense.

Okay.. what should my focus be.......
Japanese... and US history. Those two need the most effort. I'll try for that....
And I don't want to disappoint Dana (poetry lady), so I'll finish a poem.

I hate disappointing people.. There's nothing that makes me more guilty. For lord's sake, I wish my math teacher would stop bringing up the missing homework and the late assignments..... I'm working on it, I'm doing the best I can.. I'm not good at these things like I used to be. I'll bring up my grade slowly like I always do. I always find some way. For US history seems my magic doesn't work, so I'll have to try.
I got a D in the class last semester.
The thing is, I did most of the work and had a few missing assignments. So I'm honestly not sure why I had a D. Maybe I didn't do something that was worth a lot....
My parents think that there's something wrong with her grading methods or she recorded something wrong. I admit I think I deserve a C, not a D. At least it's not a N (for no credit) like it used to be....

*checks grades* currently I have a B, C, and N. The N is in math where I have a missing test (the only test we've taken so far) and I have some missing assignments. Thing is, it's been two weeks into the second semester or so, so if you're missing things you're kinda in trouble.


I need a to do list.


Mail Zach the CDs.
Type up and email Nana my poems.
Email mom (she's in Italy).
Make up math and Japanese tests.
Ask when I'm getting my teeth pulled.
Show Dana different poems after school Thursday.
Make a doctor appointment after mom gets back.
Write radio script.
Have mom pay me the 80 dollars she owes me.
Type the resume draft.
Schedule interview/job shadow.

5/2/2006 11:35 PM
SO I don't forget!!
To do:
Check on pressed flowers in the scrapbook.
Make my own crazy myspace survey bulletin... (including questions like 'which do you do more, roll your eyes or stick out your tongue?')
talk to Wess all day
eat breakfast
finish FLCL drawing (eventually)
scan doodle of light and dark side

Don't know what else for now.. I'm sure there's more.

Man I hate being busy. Having a scheduled week is my biggest pet peeve. I like doing whatever feels nice at the time. I loath having so much to think about having to do. Gosh. Anyway, pardon me as I study japanese and get a headache.

(More ranting~)

I swear Wess' friends will be the death of him.
On his own he has enough on his mind and enough to bother him.

Last night at 11 PM my time and 2 AM his time, Rebekka's boyfriend broke up with her and she went into a near-suicide state.
So far he's dealt with 5 suicide threats from friends.

I know it's 'cruel' and 'mean' of me to act annoyed at people who need help, acting like he should turn them away or something.... But WHY Wess? For god's sake. Can they not see he's not doing the best himself? They have to put it all onto him? Do they have to stress him out more than he is already, give him the obligation to be their constant source of advice and help?

It just makes me sad knowing the pressure he goes through and having this shit added to it. I want him to be at peace for just a day or two and his friends create an endless drama in his life, to the point of him not wanting to wake the next day, wondering what will happen next.
Pisses me off quite honestly.
Leave him the hell alone, would you? Would you do him a favor back sometime??!

Maybe if it made him feel good to help people I wouldn't be so distraught. But the thing is, he feels like shit either way, and it doesn't help in the least.

I haven't spoken to him all day. He was up all night, and he gave up on trying to stay awake all today...
I'm just sick of it, you know? I'm not sick of his sleep patterns, I'm not sick of him, I'm sick of them and the endless things that they push his way. Just all the unnecessary stress they put on him.

I want Wess to be happy. And all of it makes him unhappy. Therefore, go to hell, or find someone else to whine to all day.

I Fucking Hate Fights.

B-l-e-h

I must say, I feel like shit.
So much for weekend rejuvenation.
Saturday night fight.
Sunday afternoon- he has the last word, signs off
Sunday afternoon- I summon sir guardian angel to help me + tears
Sunday evening- I get the last word, sign off. He calls. Talk. Hang up on him. Calls again. Pick up and hang up.
Sunday evening- IM again. I call. More tears, but not mine. Forgiveness.
and now, Sunday evening gloom.

What a fun weekend. -__-

If you don't come back I'm going to go nuts, ya hear?
Could you come back to me?
You know.. the almost happy go lucky, the sarcastic but sweet smartass I remember.
Either that or make summer come sooner so I can smile with you again..

Mom's banning me from the computer because I'm not going downstairs and it's not even my bed time.
What the fuck.

Anyways, hope your weekend was better than mine.

Help

save me when all falls apart
save me when I break my own heart
save me when I can't do anything more
than feel blindly with my hands

angel save me
----

Joey please help me. Please help me. Please help me please help me....
Falling apart.
Falling apart.
Joey you did it before. Can you again, when it's even more complicated.....
You asked me then..
You asked me yesterday, before the fight...
"Are you okay?"

You knew it was going to happen.

He got like this when he left me.. He got depressed.. He stopped talking..
A week and a half and I thought he could be gone.
He said he needed to get away from it all......

Wess, are you going to leave me again?

Clear your head while mine overflows.

Will you blame me for sending him to speak to you... When I believe all I can do now is hurt you.


No matter how I try, to write peace for the wrongs that I.. have done to you, I'll always fail..
I'll climb the mountains high, I'll fly the darkest skies, to see the fires that I let burn....
And losing you was everything, I'll smooth out over everything, try to find the words to sing, smooth out over everything. I've seen the pains that love can bring, to smooth out over everything.. I lost my heart again, I crossed my heart again..
And dreams of you surround, my waking hours I've found, they comfort me when you're gone....
I'd sail the blackest seas, through storms and oceans deep, to see the fires that I let burn.
And losing you was everything, I'll smooth out over everything. I'll try to find the words to sing, to smooth out over everything. I've seen the pains that love can bring, smooth out over everything..
I cross my heart again.. I cross my heart again...

-Cross My Heart, Yum Yum


....

April 13th and the Best Week Of My Life

I feel I owe at least some of the story to you. I'll shorten it, but tell nearly all.


My boyfriend of 4 months. My family referred to it as a not-so-blind date. A boyfriend I'd only seen pictures of, talked to, but had never been in presence with. We got together, became boyfriend girlfriend, internet relationship, on December 5th, 2005, and are still together now.

I had a brief fight with him when he told me he couldn't visit during spring break. I wasn't so much upset that he quit the job (which sucked ass anyway), but that if he tried he truly could come. He wasn't old enough to stay in a hotel, and was uncomfortable staying at my house. This was upsetting because I'd do anything to be able to see him, and that includes being uncomfortable with a family I didn't know.. But I eventually came to terms with it, and let it go, waiting for summer to come so I could see him for the first time.

Ends up about a week later, he changed his mind. He didn't tell me this. He talked to my parents and arranged for him to come visit around April 11th as a surprise.

Mom was running a long errand and I thought nothing of it.. She called me downstairs, and I wondered what she wanted. "Okaay, I'm coming" I shouted down the stairs, and I slid from my chair and plunked down the steps...
She wasn't in the kitchen, so I headed to the living room.. In the doorway, my eyes fell upon someone standing in front of the front door, and I quickly recognized him and stopped dead in my tracks. I just stared for a moment, and then made my way through the living room, to where he stood, where I said "Oh my god.... ... This... How..?" aloud.
I gave him a big hug and he returned my embrace.
"Well this is how she looks in her everyday state" Mom said, pointing to my lazy clothes. I chuckled and wished I had worn something more presentable, still hugging him tight.
He sat down on a couch, petting Cocoa which was a strange sight.
He was wearing his black trench coat that I had seen a bit in pictures, and that he had told me about, and his jeans.

We went out on our first date. We walked down to one of my favorite restaurants, China Village. There I quietly stared at him and he laughed and asked if I was alright as he drank an incredible amount of water. I chuckled and nodded, slowly eating, distracted by the shock I was still going through and my nervousness. I sipped my water, and nearly choked on it when his foot grazed mine under the table. I grinned at him and shook my head.
Wess can down a lot of water, and he was on about his 4th glass when he asked for them to just give him a pitcher. While he was on his 3rd, I was still sipping my first.
We laughed quietly and he commented on how my eyes wandered all over as I said nothing. I said to him "Shy, yeah right.. You're talking with no effort and I'm dead silent" He told me that he knew and it was odd because usually he was silent too, but he felt strangely comfortable with me so he wasn't experiencing any shyness. I smiled at that. Before we had ordered I held his hand across the table.

We finished quickly because my appetite was wavering with my nervousness. He had also lost most of his appetite, although he hadn't eaten all day. I was surprised at how little he ate.
When we were done, I called mom on his cellphone and said we were done. We went outside and walked towards the parking lot, looking for a place to wait. I saw an odd little wood staircase that was along a short wall in the parking lot below the fence. A strange little moveable staircase leading to nowhere in particular, chipped white.
We walked towards it and I sat down on the second step, but stood up again pointing to the small spider on cobwebs along the side. He flicked it off for me and sat down, and sat on the left of him, and cuddled up with him. He took my hands in his, leaning his head against me. His hands were larger than mine, and his skin was rough in comparison. Yet at the same time his hands were soft as I squeezed them, mine more thin and bony.
We murmured words and I expressed my disbelief at him finally being with me, at the moment and night being real and not just a dream. He whispered "I'm here, I promise it's real"

I saw the car pull up in the parking lot and saw them before they saw us. I got up and waved, and we walked hand in hand in the car. We were still hand in hand as they drove us back.

.. I'll continue the story later, it's getting a bit late. There'll be a part two. That's only the first half of the first day.

Lmao, how embarrassing. o__o

Hahahhaha!!!!

Okay, let me tell you a stooory.

Our phonebill came yesterday. For some reason that we all didn't understand, it had constant, CONSTANT calls to Longbeach California. I was like 'wtf, I don't know anyone from there..', nor did any of us. We didn't get it and tried to figure it out. "When were the calls made?" "Well, there are some on the weekend, a lot during the week.." "Well that doesn't make much sense... If it was me, I wouldn't be calling during school...."

Just this morning it occurred to me.

'oh shit.. you must be kidding..'

We actually called the company to try to figure out what the hell was up with the phonebill.... The lady said she hadn't seen anything like it in ten years.

When mom told me this morning that they said it's untrackable, a cellphone, and when I recognized the last four numbers of the telephone number... and that when you call, music plays.... I went 'oooh shit, you're kidding?!'

"Call the number again" I said to her, and she handed me the phone.

I turn bright red.

Wess' cellphone.
-----

Now let me show you the phonebill... Thing is, I've made sure that Wess calls me too most of the time, so my parents won't kill me for calling him so much long-distance.

My mom will never, ever, stop teasing me about this one........

"hahhaaha, I have a teenager!! And she said she hadn't seen anything like it in TEN years, *continues laughing*"
"oh shut up.... -__-;;;; Maaan.. it was over a good month.. it adds up, "
"You've gotta save that phonebill Tanya, you'll look back on it and laugh"
"Yeah... my first boyfriend.. and how obsessed I was..."

Okay okay I'll show you it..... ......

The calls start on February 12th.....
Time to list.

Feb. 12- 2:58 PM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 13- 10:31 AM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 13- 2:08 PM. Call. 117 minutes.
Feb. 14- 3:11 PM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 14- 4:52 PM. Call. 29 minutes.
Feb. 14- 7:43 PM. Message machine. 3 minutes
Feb. 15- 3:03 PM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 15- 4:26 PM. Hang up. 1 minute
Feb. 15- 4:32 PM. Hang up. 1 minute
Feb. 15- 4:51 PM. Hang up. 1 minute
Feb. 15- 5:24 PM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 15- 7:15 PM. Hang up. 1 minute
Feb. 16- 7:02 AM. (too lazy to fill out, I'll only show real calls)
Feb. 16- 3:01 PM.
Feb. 16- 7:58 PM.
Feb. 16- 8:03 PM.
Feb. 18- 12:07 AM.
Feb. 18- 11:03 AM. 45 minutes.
Feb. 19- 6:43 PM.
Feb. 19- 8:29 PM.
Feb. 19- 9:53 PM.
Feb. 20- 5:49 PM.
Feb. 20- 5:58 PM.
Feb. 20- 6:03 PM.
Feb. 20- 6:04 PM.
Feb. 20- 6:14 PM.
Feb. 20- 6:35 PM. 15 minutes.
Feb. 20- 6:51 PM. 16 minutes.
Feb. 20- 7:08 PM.
Feb. 22- 4:01 PM.
Feb. 22- 8:16 PM.
Feb. 22- 11:37 PM.
Feb. 23- 12:21 AM.
Feb. 23- 12:25 PM.
Feb. 23- 12:26 PM.
Feb. 23- 12:27 PM.
Feb. 23- 11:44 PM.
... continues.


I made 65 calls to Wess' cellphone between February 12th and March 9th.
Hahahaha...

Oh god. XD

Why I didn't recognize Wess' number immediately when I saw it on the bill was, I haven't called his cell in a long time. Why? Because in South Carolina, there's no signal. So he can't answer it.
*laughs and shakes head slowly*

I blame Wess for never answering his phone. I have to call like three times to get him to answer it. Which is why I called so many damned times for only 1 minute.

But this is so funny... So I'm calling Wess to tell him the story... Hahaha.
Go me.

He's the only person I call. I don't call anyone else, ever. Pity it's longdistance.

Written on Mypsace, yesterday

Hello.
Who are you? Why are you here?
Comment because you can, whether I know you are not.
Why did you join myspace? Are you of the extreme mass who hoped to meet hot guys/chicks with big dicks/tits? Oh hahaha that sorta rhymes. Sorry to be brutally blunt.
Were you pushed into it by your myspacian friends?
Or did you join so you could be a bit more in contact with everyone?

I'll shut up with the questions. But I wouldn't mind them answered.

My poor kitty. She's just laying there, she looks sort of dozed or bored.. She's waiting for me to go to bed... I'm bad at doing my homework. I should I should. But I get so restless with my thoughts and inspiration... And I just met another guy from India, randomly. And I talked to Harmony for the first time in five months.

I make a small sound in regard to my cat, and she gives me her wide-eyed look, wanting me to stand up so she can run down the stairs in front of me, to my room.. She lays on her side now, looking adorable..... hehe.

I wanted to lay in the driveway with him, and listen to him talk of how beautiful the cosmos are, and tell me about movies and hum songs from Nightmare Before Christmas.
We'd cuddle and look at the stars and smile..
You have no idea how much I want to..
Little moments. I would do a lot for those little things. Just the feeling of his hands in mine and his smile when he saw me. His bear hugs. His laugh. Want it terribly.
Two months..? Three..? Three... Or four..
Oh I wish I could know..
But I suppose then life would feel like an eternal countdown. So maybe it's best unknown. But I still wish I knew everything would work out in the way that eventually we'd successfully arrange a day for him to come here..

When I think of love in general, I think of the romance scenes in movies, the very strong and dramatic feeling that brings two people so close. I think of that, and then think of Wess, and think to myself.... He really feels that for me...?
I can't see that, haha.
But I know he loves me. 'with all his heart'..?
Such is unabsorbable. I can't absorb any of this till I know it as I see it. See it to believe it...
I can't see us as a real couple.. I can't see this as truly real.. Well.. I mean...... It doesn't sink in. Yes I see us as a couple and yes I get it, but I don't get it, haha. It's hard to explain. It's like saying 'yes yes I understand' and nodding your head, but not understanding the inner meaning of it all. Getting only the big picture, and not seeing what's really underneath.
I don't know love. I never have. I mean.. I don't know what being loved is.. It's just new to me...
I don't know affection.. Maybe that's what I mean.
When he holds me and when I can see him and feel him and hear every word right there for myself and know from it all that he really means it.. Then I'll know. Then I'll understand truly.

I now have a larger tendency to post on our blog instead of my own. But I guess it's just because lately I just feel like talking to him, or my thoughts deal with him. I haven't really had many other deep thoughts on anything. I'm really tired.

again, adorkably-yours.blogspot.com

Gah I just want to lay down and sleep.. I wonder why I'm so tired today..

Packrat

My dad's silly....
He says in frustration 'there's no place to put anything in this house! There's just so much crap!' .... The thing he forgets is, all the crap is his.
I mean, seriously.. I found a broken paper-cutter up here that he never got rid of, and a huge stack of really, really, really ugly paper for the printer. I mean seriously, when are we going to print something on dirty brown or neon pink paper?
He claimed that we 'could' use it so we shouldn't get rid of it. Christ. If we need paper, we can buy some. We don't need to stash ugly paper up here with the rest of our overloaded upstairs.
Yet he had SUCH a hard time getting rid of them. He said "why are these down here" and I said nothing.
Now he sighs quite audibly as he tries to clean up his mess.
I asked him to get rid of some of it but whatever shitty completely useless thing I claim needs to go he says we'll keep because we could use it 'sometime'. God.
I hope he goes nuts and just throws it all out.
We've saved every computer game box, every manual, every CD case, every CD spiral, every keyboard, every guidebook every wire and every monitor to ever enter this home. Every sheet of useless paper, every guide every tutorial, even for things we don't use anymore.
I wish I could take it all and sneak it in the garbage. Because I swear to you, he wouldn't notice. The only reason he would.. would be when he realized the house was so much cleaner.

Address to our Blog

http://adorkably-yours.blogspot.com/


Enjoy?

Of Two Lovers

Wess and I are going to have a blog together.
God knows what we'll use it for, but we want to.

I'll link you to it when I create it.

Fear

My heart went to my throat as I realized what had happened.
'I upset him.. somehow.. how..... was it what I read? was it me.. what was it....'
silent panic
I hung up the phone and went upstairs, fear and guilt choking me.
My eyes stared at his away message. 'I made it worse, much much worse.... no.... Wess........'

I looked to myspace, in hopes of some sign, anything.. To say something...
"I need your shoulder tonight"
Just as I was on the phone with him...
My eyes scan for anything more to tell me...
With the bulletin, fear jolted through my veins.
"Snapped"
"he runs out his front door
heading to who knows where
tonight"

My heart hammers in panic. 'Wess.. no.. please.. please please.. don't go..' Fear consumes me and no calm can be achieved with any stupid thoughts of 'he'll be okay'. "no he won't he won't oh god he won't" whispers my head..
To Malila's company I stumble.
"My life sucks more than yours!"
I say this in reference to our conversation that day, how Artemisa and Malila was debating whose life sucked more.
She said to me this:

Malila: Now, Do exactly what I say in the astricks, and scream at the top of your lungs what I type in caps. OK? You ready for this!?
Me: I guess so, I'm home alone, so sure
Malila: *flap arms like chicken and dance* HOW FUNKY IS YOUR CHICKEN!?
Me: *does it and cracks up*
Malila: *dance again* HOW FUNKY IS YOUR CHICKEN!?
Me: not at the top of my lungs but close XD, oh god
Malila: *dance the kabooteh dance* HOW BIG IS YOUR KABOOTEH!?
Me: haha, at least I got a laugh out of that, thank you XDD

At the diversity assembly today, at the end, a large group of people showed us singing from South Africa, and then... They did something else African, in English... And that is what they said. "HOW FUNKY IS YOUR CHICKEN!?" and dancing. It cracked me up for Malila to say that, and I did it which was even funnier.

Though I was in a mad panic, I was glad to smile.
I told her the issue. "Well that's not good"
I told her I was scared scared scared and I didn't know what was wrong and was just so scared..

I said to her.. "to hell with it, I'm calling his home number.. it's 1 AM over there.. *sigh* I hate to disturb his fam"
Malila: well if its an emergency..
Me: I don't know if it is, I don't know if he's just taking a walk or breaking down a whole lot.. Ack ack ack I'll just call.

Thank god, he answered.. I was so relieved but also still so afraid...
"Why are you afraid?"
"What do you mean why am I afraid? You're hurting and I don't know why and it's 1 AM and you're saying you're running off into the night and I don't know what to do!!"

We talk longer.. At first he sounds very peeved at me for being in his face, but I talk to him longer.. And he spills why he's so upset.. And with that I understand, and my voice softens with realization... He's afraid.
Afraid, so very afraid.. Afraid to lose his heart. Because if he does, he feels he'll never love again, and that it'll kill him. He loves me so much that he couldn't love anyone else, he believes. Not even if I left..
He said to me softly, "I want to so badly..", that he wanted to put his trust in me and open his heart to me completely.. But he's afraid.. I told him I understood, and I do. It's the biggest risk and it's so scary.. I whispered to him reassuring words that I truly meant, whispering that I loved him too much and I'd never even thought of leaving him, even when things were really bad. "I love you too much.. when we're fighting or upset, I just want to hug you and say I'm sorry so it can be over with and we can be smiling together again.."
I love him so much.... I want him to trust me.. It's hard for him. He's so afraid that he'll do something again and I won't forgive him, and he'll lose me..
He won't.. He won't.
He loves me too much. I love him too much. I won't abandon him. I won't let it be too much weight and I won't let fears take over, I won't let fights and misunderstandings make me forget how much he loves me..

My poor Wess... He's just afraid....

I really like this song, it's catchy.
Everything Feels Wrong by Bree Sharp.
I'll tell the lyrics later, I'm busy.

Storm's Over

Every happy day ends sad.. But every sad day ends happy.
It holds true.

It really hurt me that I upset him as much as I did, it hurt me more to know I hurt him then it did to know he wasn't coming.

I don't know who's messing up. Me or him. I think we both are when we do this. I'll mess up and I'll deserve the hurt I feel with stinging words from him being hurt, but after that he sees and is sorry for what he said as well.

It was much like that other night on the phone when I was crying my eyes out. I hurt him bad that day, even though it was so small. At that time I called him and he picked up, and listened to me crying on the other side for a good ten minutes before he got ahold of me and explained that I was forgiven and that it was okay.

This time I cried on my own, and his bluntness stung with my questions desperate for anything to comfort. "you've lost your privileges for sugar-coating"
I couldn't stand to blame anyone but him for it not working, and he was sick of being blamed. I threw out demanding questions of why he quit his job and how he could do this when we were so close to being together, and why it matters to stay in a hotel, etc.
He forgave me though, when we both cooled down. I said I still felt like shit even though he forgave me, so he asked if I wanted to call so we could talk before he went to bed. We did.
It always surprises me how he laughs and sounds the same even when I do bad shit and say things I shouldn't out of emotion.

Behind it all, however I upset him, he really hates to hurt me. I know because me crying seems to strangely melt any hostile-ness in his voice. No matter how mad he acts, he suddenly loses all will to argue. He does care.. Sometimes he forgets the feeling behind it and forgets what it feels like.. But he always eventually knows.

I was a bit sullen, still buzzing with thoughts on the phone, but eventually we were both laughing and smiling. As the night went on our words softened as did our voices, and suddenly I felt a lot more shy then I'm used to being. Especially when he said how beautiful I was. I laughed quietly. He asked why I sounded so shy and nervous, and I just chuckled and said "I'm just.. not used to hearing these things..." he replied, voice still soft, "I don't see why", which made me smile. By that I remember I think he meant, 'I don't see why you don't hear it more and why you're not used to hearing it, because it surprises me that people don't tell you all the time'. If I caught it right that is. But I think I did.
I got very shy..
Just how soft his voice was and how he'd ask things made me blush a bit.
I wanted to talk longer, but it was 1 Am and my mom caught me. She caught me very much by surprise, so I was relieved I didn't say anything weird. I had my eyes closed without realizing it, as I listened, only breaking our silences with a small giggle. She had earlier seen me on the phone, but she was up to tell me to go to bed. I quickly and quietly told him I had to go to bed.

The mood of blush shyness and calm still hasn't rubbed off, so I want to call him again today..

I'm choking on tears and I don't know anymore what to say to him.
Please don't leave me.
No.. no.. please don't leave me to suffer this alone. Please don't.
I know I'm horrible I get it.
I deserve nothing more..
For what I say and do..
nothing more than this suffering
this pain.

Sobbing. The tears are endless. Why do I have to.. Why.. do I.. Have to.. be.. like this..

Tanya you...... deserve to...

...Hurt, suffer. You deserve it. Stare at the name, you long to say another word. But you deserve this pain. So you won't. You want so badly to. You won't. You won't. You did..
Face the consequences? An excuse...
But really, you deserve the pain of not a word.


But pain.. Pain.. is.. everything.. whether it's silence or words.. Maybe tantalization is pain but facing it is as well.. So pain either way....

Please.. don't.. hurt me any more.......
Though I deserve the pain...... Please.. don't.. hurt me... any more..
I'll lie dormant and except every blow...
But please.. don't.. hurt me any more...

Oh everything I write, even here.. It makes it worse. God I can't.. I can't I can't I can't.. Do anything right..

Kill Me

Kill me so I won't have to do it myself.
Kill me before my dreams do.
Kill me before the regrets swallow me alive.
Kill me before I have to do wake up again.
Kill me before life slaps me with more realities.
Kill me so I won't be a coward.
Kill me so I won't take the weak way out.
Kill me so I can't hurt anyone anymore.
Kill me so I will never say another selfish word.
Kill me, suicide is selfish.
Kill me, everything I do is selfish.
Kill me so I won't see another day.
Kill me to make it stop.
Kill me to stop the tears.
Kill me so he can be with someone more deserving.
Kill me so I can just once scream aloud.
Kill me so the weight may be lifted.
Kill me before I say another word.
Kill me before my heart tears my life apart.
Kill me before I want to kill myself.
Kill me so grades won't matter.
Kill me so I won't spew more of this.
Kill me so I won't plague anyone any longer.
Kill me to stop the pain.
Kill me so love doesn't.
Kill me and set me free from this regret..
Kill me so I won't harm.
Please..
Make it stop.
Make me stop.
Make me stop.

Tape Mania and my Locker

Bah.
Haven't seen Wess all today. Hung out for like three hours waiting for him. Oh well.
A bit less self-concious. Guess I just needed a long bath.
*stretches* Uuugh, homework. And ugh my back. Sore.
I remember when I could lay down in the bathtub. I wish I still could. But then I'd be ridiculously short.. So I wish our bathtub was bigger.. but then it wouldn't fit.. I wish we had a bigger bathroom then.
Sharing a bathroom with four people, I wonder if many people do.

I'd sleep easier if I could talk to Wess. I don't like going a day without him.
He's probably exhausted.. At least he'll sleep good.
I hope all is well.

During lunch, about five minutes before Japanese class was to start, two of the freshman boys in my Japanese class started tearing off the large length of tape globs stuck on the wall. There used to be a sort of mural up there, and for each piece of it was about fifty small pieces of rolled tape. They were randomly taking it down, god knows why. Then someone else joins in. And then whats-her-name joins in. And then I think 'to hell with it' and start grabbing at the tape.
I don't know why it was so satisfying. And I don't know why they gave me the strong urge to do it too.
After a while I was gathering a fairly good-sized tape ball, which made it easier to pick up tape because I could just whack the ball on the wall and pull off more. Was fun.
Amazing timing it was, when just before I was thinking of stopping the tape-mania and going to class (I was actually right outside the classroom, convenient), the fire alarm went off. That was neat.

I'm having fun with my locker. On there is posted "Tanya loves Wess A!". I was surprised that it went a good two weeks without anyone touching it or even writing anything on it as graffiti. Someone did attempt to tear it off but I taped it on good, and then taped the tears and wrote on it "Don't rip down my sign, you bastard!", at the very bottom.
I attempted a doodle sheet to see what people would come up with, but I guess my locker was near too many immature freshmen classes, so all I got was some obscenities. So I tore it down the next day. I replaced it with an entry. I wrote on lined paper a sort of 'note to self'. I wrote to remember that high schoolers, especially freshmen boys, should be expected to have the maturity of 6th graders. Then I went on a bit about other things.
I decided to write a little entry everyday and tape it on my locker.

Inside my locker I only have one thing taped on. It says "Boys have cooties! (except Wess)" Because I only have one guy who's a friend of mine (at least an acquaintance), besides Wess and a few online guys I talk to. So I'll use the 'cootie' excuse for not liking them.

I'm sleepy and I still have work to do. Time for me to go.
God I miss you Wess.

Huh

It's amazing how self-concious I'm feeling these days. Damn. It's really annoying. To look in the mirror and suddenly wince at what you see. Maybe it's because for once I kinda have a reason to care about me looking decent.
Blah. Hands, don't touch face. Leave it alone and it'll be fine.

... >__>
<__<
>__>
<__<

....I wish I was pretty

Fate

I said fate was cruel, but what I didn't know before was, fate was right. The times in the past when I thought I was in love, it kept them from coming here. I'm glad.
I now thank fate for causing Wess to be busy on my birthday, unable to visit... Because now comes the possibility of him visiting at a much better time.

So now, fate, I ask of you this.
If it's true, if it's meant to be.. Please let this work. Please give it a chance..
I've waited a long time on this one dream. I'm hoping I've finally got the right idea, that I'm finally right.
If this is right for me, let it work.. Please.

Always

I fell asleep listening to the song Always by Blink 182 last night, I had it set on repeat. "Let me hold you, touch you, feel you, always. Kiss you, taste you, all night, always" Wess said it reminds him of me. He was singing it on the phone. We spent most of our time on the phone singing for fun. On the phone for like five hours, haha.
I get upset when he acts like his writings are crap and like everything everyone says negative about him and his works are true... Was enough to get me queasy yesterday. *shakes head*
He refuses to let me pay for any of the plane ticket. He's working at a fairly crappy job for eight hours a day to earn money to see me. I have about 200 dollars in my bank so it's annoying that he won't let me pay even half. He won't let me pay anything at all. I'm wondering if he can really earn 400+ in three weeks.
He said he kisses my locket a lot, haha. I find that really cute.
I love him so very much.. More than I've ever loved anyone before.
I miss him this morning.

Interesting

In the last week, my 'self mutilation' has increased about double. By mutilation I mean scratching my face to a pulp. Why? Hell if I know. But I currently have on four bandaids in hopes to keep my fingers away from my face acne and flaws so I won't make it worse.
Is it because I'm nervous..?
I'm not really sure. When I do it I'm nervous usually. When I think and get nervous. Maybe I'm nervous I'm not pretty enough? Funny how what I do when I'm nervous just increases this. Makes me look ten times worse, red blotched and gross. *sigh*
I wish I could stop.
I'm attempting to keep myself from this, gotta make good habits. Wash face, apply bandaids, make it so I can't cause any more harm.

I have to stop if I seriously don't want to be ugly when I meet him. I don't want to be covered in bandaids and blotched. So I'll let that inspire me to not even reach up to my face. .....
*sigh*

Anyone who hurts my Wess will pay.

I'm sure if I told myself heaven was just around the corner when I was as I used to be, I wouldn't believe it could ever be like this.. I'm sure I'd never think I'd find him.. And I'm sure if it was recent enough, I would be shocked to find who he was.

A smile for the most trustworthy, the most true, the most honest. What he says he means...
He is like me. I would never betray him, never hurt him, never disappear. So I can believe the same for him.
I suppose I am just trying to purge out any subconscious fears.
I trust you. Now I just have to get ahold of that occasional annoyance at blabby girls and cutesy names that are MINE being used.
But I really don't have to worry.

He loves me.
Absorb that, remember that, let that sink in.

He says it every day. He means it every day. And that is something no one else has done.

23 more days...

Why She Doesn't Deserve You

She’s had sex enough. She’s fooled around, played with hearts broken hearts and tested her luck. She’s done all the things you shouldn’t do and she broke her own promises.
She doesn’t ever deserve what I do. No no. Not my half, never. She doesn’t deserve to take away my only happiness. The happiness I earned slowly through pain slowly back to smiles. She can have anyone else. But it’s my turn, my turn, for once. Give me a chance. I’m innocent, I’m kind, I’ve never done it I don’t drink I don’t party I’m a good person in general. I’m no dater. But I found the one I want. The one I love. The one exactly like me. So she will never, ever, take him away from me.
Don’t miss him like I miss him. Don’t need him like I need him. Because he’s mine. And if you want him, you can never have him. The only reason the good guys are always taken is because you’re too slow to find anyone based off anything but sex appeal.
Sex. It’s all sex sex sex. Course it’s on my mind, but I didn’t ever fall for you for that. I fell for everything but that. Remember, you said “gushing isn’t our thing”. It is now, but it wasn’t then. And then is when I fell in love with you. Before we were so sweet to eachother, before we grew intamacy. Just you alone was enough.
Don’t need him. Don’t need to talk to him. Don’t miss him. Because I miss him always, and I’ll be selfish, and every time he’s around you I won’t want him to, because I want him to be with me instead. Because I miss him. Don’t miss him. I love him. A lot more than you would ever.
Don’t steal the only smile I have. Don’t steal it for someone you’ll just try on and get bored of after some time. Go fuck someone else.

You’ll never deserve him. Keep your feelings inside and let them rot with each passing day until they are gone.

Don’t you dare call him sweetie. Don’t say you miss him..
It makes me want to scream.

Wess appears just when I need him. : )

Nothing makes me jump, both started and overjoyed, more than seeing the little sleeping face pop to a yellow smilie face under xxinaay-ennn-el-hombreee on Yahoo. Just looking at a picture I took of the computer screen with him available gives me the same anticipating feeling.

Alex is harassing me because I'm blogging. And because I'm going to Sakura-Con. And saying I'm pointing a camera at my face when I was moving a piece of paper. And he's harassing me about blogging again. "Blogging in my skin... These HTML tags do not woork.."
Ass.

"Whatcha blogging about? Blogging about your great day without your brother?"

No. I had a terrible day with OR without him.
Everyone said the WASL was easy. For some reason, it was hard for me.... Great. Even the stupid people said it was easy. Worse, they said it was fun. I had trouble and couldn't understand what they were asking for. The answers didn't seem to match right, none of the multiple choice ones seemed quite right... *sigh* Why..
I feel stupid now. Because supposedly I'm smart yet I'm the only one who said the WASL reading section was difficult....

Wess.. I miss you. Gloomy, I need a hug. I feel stupid.

Theory of Love

People who are meant for each other possess many similar features because upon their creation their soul was split in half to make two. The two halves are sent and born on Earth apart, in different bodies. They may be close, far, sometimes impossible to find. When the two find each other they feel the need to constantly be connected (holding hands, hugging, etc) because it gives them the comfort they had before being sent to the world and getting lost.. linking their souls once again. As a whole instead of a half they can live on, living life happily and enjoying what was once a hell, moving forward freely.. Until they come together, they'll feel a pull, a need, an incompleteness.. Which is their soul looking for its other half. It takes some attempts to find the right one, because connections can easily be mistaken.. A close match can serve as simple satisfaction, reducing the pull and need to search, with the idea that what was searched for is found. But when you find the other half, you know. Those who feel no pull to find their other half have entered this world in acceptance of their other half being gone. But us, romantics, continue searching. And that explains love.

Angstmuffin, Preteen years, Cheesy Romances

Well well well... What do we have here..
An angst muffin you say?

I stole Mayre's term. Where the hell did you come up with angst muffin Mayre? And is it one word or two?

Anyways, I'm being an angst muffin. Under my definition, I'm being full of angst and for no specific reason that I know of. Or for a reason that doesn't have very much relevance, yet I'm still angstin'.
Angst angst angst anngst.

*waves arms around in a mad panic as seen in anime and manga as a cloud of dust and lines and circles to show the motion of hands*
Ahhh~!!!!

AHHHH! WAHHH!

Oh wait a second. So that last time when I was PMSing.. Wasn't really PMSing..? Oh great. Well well, I'm late, so therefore this is probably PMS. Whoo, it's my new angst excuse. Ah hell if I know what's really PMS. I just guess when I get really angsty for no reason that it could be it.

Wess Wess Wess.. *says in Lum's voice*- "Daaaaaarliiing!"
I just watched the second Urusai Yatsura movie. Pardon if that's spelled wrong.
Ataru is such a bastard, jeezus. Poor Lum.

Makes me appreciate for once not chasing stubbornly after someone who is like 'nuuuuuuu~!' when it comes to love. *exasperated sigh*

Well well, third guy, I guess it's not so bad. Technically Wess is my first boyfriend, and technically I've never dated in my life. Untechnically I've gotten so close to two guys that I really wanted to be their girlfriend but they said 'uh... I don't know.. I have to think about it'... AKA, no. -__-
Well, I'm glad I didn't end up with either of them.. Because thinking about it now, that would have sucked ass.

You wonder, after two miserable failed long-distance- online even, relationships, I'd know not to start another one. Nope nope. So you wonder if I'm being really dumb by doing it again. It's hard to say. I'll find out soon whether this is hopeful or hopeless.

It's so ironic..... After the first.. or was it second..? I said to myself "oh god, I'm never meeting guys on the internet again. It was nice but ended up a disaster" >__>;
Well if this succeeds, then joy for my rebellion.

The thing is, this is a hell of a lot less forced. I was stupid before, pushing it too much. Course they were so extremely and sickeningly vague, and for that reason I had no 'no, I will never be with you' to work off. All I knew is 'maybe after some time he could say yes' sort of thing. With Wess, I asked him and he said "yes." That was it. Kaboom, winner. We were already close.. Was helping him with all his issues and being the shoulder to cry on, that sort of thing. I never did mind. If I can help someone, I sure will.. I like to, never find anyone who I can really help.
He has trouble trusting people, terrible trust issues, yet he trusted me.. I found that interesting. He would show me anything personal so I could give him advice and help.. He would trust me with a lot of things that could be misused or spread around..

I'm surprised he said yes so quick though. Just after he had been hurt too.. Strange how he's so willing to fall into it. Wasn't desperation though, because he asked me worriedly if I was asking it under influence of losing someone close (we both had)..

Ah ah.. I'll quit rambling.
--



I think I'm having jitters about Wess visiting. Not so much him visiting, but the chance that something will get in the way! I'm dying to see him. Just dying to. I'm afraid that something will stop it from happening. ... ugh deja vu. Him (another him) earning money, I wonder if he really did? Because he really had no intention of really coming to see me.
I know Wess does though... Just whether he can succeed in it or not, I don't know.
I talked to him on the phone a bit absentmindedly. He said not to worry about it, just be excited for the chance of it happening and don't think about it not. My only fear is disappointment. I'd rather see him and it be awkward as hell then to not see him at all.. I really want to meet him. I want a dream of mine to become real.

Meeting in the airport. I've thought about this for how many years now? My image of who I was to meet was vague but I knew I wanted to. I wanted to run up and hug the person who's been missing from my life so long.

Wonder why.. As a kid and preteen I kinda daydreamed about my 'true love' popping out of nowhere and telling of his love of me *laughing* that's so cheesy to picture, but of course I daydreamed that.
Did you know I read my entire preteen journal to Wess over the phone? It was the most horrifyingly hilarious thing ever. We were both cracking up because I was so cheesy it was both sad and funny. I remember writing it so it scares me, because it's so.. so.. ..... bad. So bad so cliche soo horrible. Me giggling like a little teenager. "Hehehhehe George.. (guy from a book). Hehehee, he's so hawt. Hehehe, boys. Heehehe." ... That's my journal basically.
I even copied down kissing scenes from books I liked because I was so pathetically romantic and obsessed. .....But honestly, I'm still that way. Which is sad. What was more funny is that about four or five crushes are written in there... And they're about.. three pages apart. It says "He's so cute, I want to talk to him" then three pages later "I hate him, he's a loser" Makes me laugh now.
Anyway, since I was young I've wanted some cute guy to burst through my door, go "I love you with all my heart Tanya, I've been watching you everyday from a distance secretly falling for you and -blah blah blah" and then kissing me or something.
So I guess that's why the daydream I've gotten through long-distance relationships is so strong in my head...

Okay, comparison.. Daydream was of some stranger to fall for me and 'sweep me off my feet' like in the fairytale books and say that he loves me blah blah blah..
Well well.. Wess is technically a stranger, in a way. Yet he loves me with all his heart. And when we meet, we will meet in such a sudden and dramatic way. (*cracks up to self*) And and.. Sorry I can just see it like a dramatic movie in my head. (*laughs more*)
Draamaaaa~
I shall simulate our dramatic meeting in 20x cheesiness (or so). Very briefly and very roughly.

Tanya stands in the crowd of people in the airport, with a cheesy nervous look on her face. She wrings her hands wordlessly, staring at the crowd. As the crowd thins, she gets an anxious look on her face, looking back and forth for her love. She stares at the door, still waiting for her dear Wess to come out.. But sees no one. She sighs, her head bowing and eyes staring down at the floor, disappointed and sad. She clutches to her bag with both hands, and then swiftly turns on her heel and slowly starts walking off, a single tear trailing from her eyes.
Lost in thought she doesn't see the large figure in a black trenchcoat step away from the crowd to sift slowly towards her and then behind her.
She feels a hand on her shoulder; her eyes go wide in surprise and she jerks around, staring, afraid, at the looming figure now in front of her.
The figure, a young man, places his other hand gently on her shoulder. She stares at him still, and she sees a large grin beneath his messy black hair that hangs to his shoulders, and his eyes shine beneath his black-rimmed glasses.
"Hey GI Jane, guess who?"
She laughs in surprise and relief as she hears a most familiar and comforting voice.
"Wess.. Jeezus, you scared the shit out of me"
"Well, I'll make it up to you" Wess says, raising his eyebrows, his grin widening. He pulls Tanya into a hug.
"Bear hug!" Tanya exclaims quietly, giggling under her breath. "I've been waiting to feel one of those" He laughs
Silliness subsiding, Wess holds her for a long time, slowly swaying them from side to side, like slowdancing in the middle of an airport. She smiles big, burying her face into his chest, swaying with him. And then~~ *romance romance romance*

/end of story

There we are, cheesy cheesy. Second half seemed a bit more realistic, considering that's more of how we talk.
What's really funny is he has a trenchcoat.. and he's super looming. At least from what I imagine. I mean he's 6 foot somethin'. And he has long-ish black hair <3 Oh yes.

Anyway, that's the cheesy daydream I have, minus a tiny bit of cheesiness and plus more romance. Hoho.

30 days till we meet.

Anyway, I think I was an angstmuffin because I was worrying more than enjoying the thought. And also Wess will be gone two or three days because he's going back to SC to move with his family to CA. He's in New York now. Basically he was on his own for about a month or so and then his family came to visit, help him pack, and is bringing him to SC to pack up there and move to a place in Cali. Yeaah. Like moving twice in a way. But he was just staying in an apartment in NY with some relatives for a bit.

Three days without Wess is making me go "Oh my god! Ahhhh!" because I'm thaat attached. He said to me on the phone "You'll live" and I said "No I won't!" he says "you did last time" and I say "SO??"
Haha.

Still makes me smile to know he always wears my locket I gave him.

Anyways, yeah, I obviously needed to ramble out some thoughts. There ya go. Bye bye.