Fallen behind
what once was mine
Smile, bittersweet memory
Keeping within, I've tried to pretend
it was once a sweet melody
Behind my eyes
are roses and storms
behind yours,
are sticks and stones
I've kept you soft embraced
through every thorn
And as it tears through
I'll keep you still in my arms
I'll keep you still in my arms...
I know I'm not right,
when you say you're all wrong
I know that we'll fight,
from all that we've done
But behind the light,
I can see through your eyes
Wounded animal, wings that can't fly
And I'll keep you forever,
still in my arms
Whether the thorns tear right through me
and scar up and down
I'll keep you still in my arms
I'll keep you still in my arms...
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Anxiety
Stress is sort of getting to me again.
Why do I feel so shitty.. I'm trying to figure out....
Mmm... Well....
I'm just experiencing a lot of anxieties.
List.. Think..
I have D's on my progress report, for the first time ever. And some C's, and a B......
I have to do those interviews, and write a paper.. And study for Japanese.
Oh.. the poetry portfolio...
Please hug me.
My parents are obviously disappointed, and don't have faith in me.
I don't really have much faith either, because it's so much for me to take in and try to balance..
English (LA), US History, Biology, Japanese, Math... All ones that require quite a bit of thought. All ones that assign quite a bit of homework and have a lot of tests.
If I had just three classes to concentrate on, I could get A's like I used to.. But five? Five that require equal amount of thought, time, and patience.. Patience I don't have. Discipline that I lost...
I just want to pass with okay grades and be fine..
I want to be able to sit down at the table and just get it all done.. Without my mind always wandering and feeling unnerved just having it in front of me.
Whilst being overwhelmed, I also feel very.... Yearning? Basically I really, really miss Wess right now and something has heightened this feeling, not sure what. More worried more attached more lonely. But.. can it be helped? Considering I had three days with the luxury of his presence, only for it to disappear once again... His lips, his eyes, his hair, his smile, his self... Him carefree and a glimpse at what I want more than anything to be my future....
Just feeling an overwhelming need for him to be here, next to me.. To not fall asleep in an empty bed..
I miss you..
Why do I feel so shitty.. I'm trying to figure out....
Mmm... Well....
I'm just experiencing a lot of anxieties.
List.. Think..
I have D's on my progress report, for the first time ever. And some C's, and a B......
I have to do those interviews, and write a paper.. And study for Japanese.
Oh.. the poetry portfolio...
Please hug me.
My parents are obviously disappointed, and don't have faith in me.
I don't really have much faith either, because it's so much for me to take in and try to balance..
English (LA), US History, Biology, Japanese, Math... All ones that require quite a bit of thought. All ones that assign quite a bit of homework and have a lot of tests.
If I had just three classes to concentrate on, I could get A's like I used to.. But five? Five that require equal amount of thought, time, and patience.. Patience I don't have. Discipline that I lost...
I just want to pass with okay grades and be fine..
I want to be able to sit down at the table and just get it all done.. Without my mind always wandering and feeling unnerved just having it in front of me.
Whilst being overwhelmed, I also feel very.... Yearning? Basically I really, really miss Wess right now and something has heightened this feeling, not sure what. More worried more attached more lonely. But.. can it be helped? Considering I had three days with the luxury of his presence, only for it to disappear once again... His lips, his eyes, his hair, his smile, his self... Him carefree and a glimpse at what I want more than anything to be my future....
Just feeling an overwhelming need for him to be here, next to me.. To not fall asleep in an empty bed..
I miss you..
Saturday, May 27, 2006
String of Dreams
It was cold.. A long gate ran along the.. mansion. Everything was white, it was snowing. I was barefoot in the snow. I traced my fingers along the tall metal fence, looking at the barbed wire at the top as I walked. I reached the front, where at the entrance were two burning torches. It was the night, and they provided a warm glow to the cold surroundings. The sky was black and I watched the falling snow. I made it to the front gate where the snow was more slush, and you could see a faint gray were the cement would be. I stood in front of it, looking. The only part of the gate that had no barbed wire. I looked down at the latch, which I expected to be locked, but to my surprise the gate was just a bit open. "It's open.." I whispered. I slowly pushed forward, and slipped through the gate. I moved forward down the walk, towards the staircase. I heard a sound behind me, and my head jerked back. I looked and I saw things, creatures, coming behind me. They looked to be dead people, scuttling slowly forward. I ran up to the door, tugging at the doorknob, but it was locked. I looked down and saw a padlock, with a combination. I tugged at it in panic, and then as the creatures drew closer, someone dropped down to land behind me. He was wearing dark clothes and had messy black hair to his shoulders. He stood in a stance to fight, while he turned to me and whispered the combination. 3.... 15... 5... I turned the knob, looking for the numbers. "I have to do it this time.. Maybe I'll be faster.." I unlocked it, dropping the lock to the floor and pushing open the door, slipping in and closing it firmly behind me. I locked it, and exhaled. The mansion was of dark wood, and a few things were familiar. The same desk was in the middle of the room, and the fireplace in the same place. On top of the desk was a glass aquarium that served as a cage, larger than it used to be. Inside was a large mouse, Keebi. I opened the cage and put my hand in, letting it scuttle up and onto my hand, and then off again.
I was in a ship, a car, something that could hover and fly. We were in the dessert, moving towards the rocks dry and grey, of what seemed to be mountains. I opened the side door and moved out, the wind blowing at my hair as I shut it behind me, standing on the ledge. I held two purple wings, and beckoned to people who were passing by, half flying half running. They regarded me. They were purple-skinned from head to toe, with long dark hair and wings. They glared and shook their heads. I heard a voice in my head "If you're not the same, if you're not a fairy too, they won't join you". I succeeded on having other people board, those of almost human features.
I wandered the halls of a prison, looking for a certain cell. I was to be put into one. I found one with a hole in the ceiling, glowing a shade of pink to red. I went into the cell, and then I swung myself up and grabbed the edge of the hole. I looked over the ledge and was looking out at my front yard. My legs swung below me as I tried to pull myself up. Below me and down the hall I heard "you haven't fixed it yet??" and quick footsteps. I pulled myself all the way up, and dropped down into my yard.
I was in a ship, a car, something that could hover and fly. We were in the dessert, moving towards the rocks dry and grey, of what seemed to be mountains. I opened the side door and moved out, the wind blowing at my hair as I shut it behind me, standing on the ledge. I held two purple wings, and beckoned to people who were passing by, half flying half running. They regarded me. They were purple-skinned from head to toe, with long dark hair and wings. They glared and shook their heads. I heard a voice in my head "If you're not the same, if you're not a fairy too, they won't join you". I succeeded on having other people board, those of almost human features.
I wandered the halls of a prison, looking for a certain cell. I was to be put into one. I found one with a hole in the ceiling, glowing a shade of pink to red. I went into the cell, and then I swung myself up and grabbed the edge of the hole. I looked over the ledge and was looking out at my front yard. My legs swung below me as I tried to pull myself up. Below me and down the hall I heard "you haven't fixed it yet??" and quick footsteps. I pulled myself all the way up, and dropped down into my yard.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Future Thoughts
I've been thinking a lot of my future lately..... What I want, what I'm thinking..
First off, I think of the possibility of my first boyfriend not being the one I end up spending my life with, and it makes me feel sick to the stomach, because I don't want to ever be with anyone but him...
So, my thought is... I imagine because we love each other so much, if we ever break up, we'll someday meet again. If he gets to the point of being so gloomy and so depressed that I can't be around him without hurting, and if that causes me to leave him and be gone for something like a year... I think that either I'll die inside and beg for his return, or he'll beg for me to come back. If neither of those happen, then I'd think he'd come back someday when he felt what caused us to be torn apart was something he had gotten over or I had gotten over, something that was no longer an issue.
We both love each other to pieces, and whenever we fight we're both being idiots in one way or another more so than not getting along.. I can't see not forgiving, and I can't see it getting to the point of wanting to leave each other...
But, now I'm going to be honest..
When I finish college or get well into it, I want him to move in with me.
I want to get into college and get a part-time job, and live in an apartment.. And for him to someday move in with me and we'd split the price.
The thing I really can't do is leave Seattle for good. Because I love this city more than any other, and it's home. Wess has had the experience of moving, but I never have.. So I could never let go of this place.
I'm not saying I won't ever travel.. I'm just saying that I don't want to settle down anywhere else, at least from now till the end of my 20's. I've been kinda cooped up so long that I haven't even opened up to my own home, so I couldn't ditch this place. It has a lot of potential.. And the best weather, weather I'm used to, temperatures I like.
I want to travel to different countries and states and I could stay there weeks or months, but I want to go back to the place I call home, here, Seattle.
If you ever want to live with me Wess, please come to me..
I have so many dreams of things to do with you.
First off, I think of the possibility of my first boyfriend not being the one I end up spending my life with, and it makes me feel sick to the stomach, because I don't want to ever be with anyone but him...
So, my thought is... I imagine because we love each other so much, if we ever break up, we'll someday meet again. If he gets to the point of being so gloomy and so depressed that I can't be around him without hurting, and if that causes me to leave him and be gone for something like a year... I think that either I'll die inside and beg for his return, or he'll beg for me to come back. If neither of those happen, then I'd think he'd come back someday when he felt what caused us to be torn apart was something he had gotten over or I had gotten over, something that was no longer an issue.
We both love each other to pieces, and whenever we fight we're both being idiots in one way or another more so than not getting along.. I can't see not forgiving, and I can't see it getting to the point of wanting to leave each other...
But, now I'm going to be honest..
When I finish college or get well into it, I want him to move in with me.
I want to get into college and get a part-time job, and live in an apartment.. And for him to someday move in with me and we'd split the price.
The thing I really can't do is leave Seattle for good. Because I love this city more than any other, and it's home. Wess has had the experience of moving, but I never have.. So I could never let go of this place.
I'm not saying I won't ever travel.. I'm just saying that I don't want to settle down anywhere else, at least from now till the end of my 20's. I've been kinda cooped up so long that I haven't even opened up to my own home, so I couldn't ditch this place. It has a lot of potential.. And the best weather, weather I'm used to, temperatures I like.
I want to travel to different countries and states and I could stay there weeks or months, but I want to go back to the place I call home, here, Seattle.
If you ever want to live with me Wess, please come to me..
I have so many dreams of things to do with you.
Future... 'if'
Engagement/wedding ring..
Gold band, single or three-stoned. One medium-sized main stone (centered) , and if any others, small set-in stones to each side.
Shape of main stone- either cut in the shape of a heart or a smooth sort of dew-drop
Amethyst, ruby, or sapphire.... Or something cheaper and just as pretty.
Custom made.
If possible.. The band is shaped in a way that the stone appears to be held up by branches or fingers. These fingers/branches hold it, spread apart slightly. An earthy-antiquie style ring.
If not gold, some other warm metal.
Possibly engraved for extra.
For guy, if possible/desired, matching styled ring without stones.
One ring serves as both wedding and engagement, the wedding bands will not hold part in it.
Department store/mall jeweler-bought ring is unacceptable.
Gold band, single or three-stoned. One medium-sized main stone (centered) , and if any others, small set-in stones to each side.
Shape of main stone- either cut in the shape of a heart or a smooth sort of dew-drop
Amethyst, ruby, or sapphire.... Or something cheaper and just as pretty.
Custom made.
If possible.. The band is shaped in a way that the stone appears to be held up by branches or fingers. These fingers/branches hold it, spread apart slightly. An earthy-antiquie style ring.
If not gold, some other warm metal.
Possibly engraved for extra.
For guy, if possible/desired, matching styled ring without stones.
One ring serves as both wedding and engagement, the wedding bands will not hold part in it.
Department store/mall jeweler-bought ring is unacceptable.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
A Half-Mindless Freewrite.
Set go. Let it go. Let it be. We're with me and I can see. Blah blah blah and the fan goes whirling round and round, I can't type fast as it though I wish my lightning-quick fingers could match godspeed. Itch, break of conversation. Concentration. The words slip and meld together like melted metal. Soup stains. Stains of chocolate milk out of anger flecked on lightly. Stain of blood on yellow dress. Stain of blood on the pink of a ballroom dance. Painless, though. Soft fabric now, it keeps warm and feels dry. Tired eyes. I'll tell you the worries if what you find isn't too much. I'm demanding, demanding demanding. And one could go mad I feel. I have a high demand on life and everything around me, though I don't ask it, I feel it and only feel it. Never say it. Rest, stop, tired. Tired eyes, yet again. Screen blinding, invisible flickers. Faster than the clicks of time. don't think. don't think don't feel don't worry you can do it find and you will be well as well can be with flowers and eyes that don't follow glossy like those of porcelain dolls, follow. dots cigarettes souvenirs that come in shops and crack as they hit the floor, hold back your tears as they fall, can you let go of it all? can the spaces intetwine and intervene and keep you clean and free of salt studded wetness falling down to dirt to not so fresh waters? Bones and aches, twists in our hearts and doors that don't open. Could it be? We wonder. I don't make sense as I ramble, both tired and bored and without much thought. So let's bring him to mind. Smile. No smile but a smile in my head, knowing smile. Found, found it. Check off the list, we're good. we found a sidekick, we found a connoisseur we found a live-for. We found the shoulder and the hankie and the lips to warm any ache. To catch from any trip to fall. The reflections of water spread like light, pulsing with the trembling of a misplaced leg hard against the wood. Oh but we have things to show, a lot to show. The beams spread apart and widen with themovement and they flicker almost. Hungry only with chocolate in the stomach and taste in the mouth. Paranoia, I can't be here. We already know this.. We don't care.
Call her for me, says the eternally grateful. Like grating cheese. It makes no sense. Is grateful not great? Is it not something of stupendous? Head shoots up to grow towards the door of the light that switches on. Almost what caught us with our pants off. The blinds blow in the wind and the wind is summer-warm. No school is the feeling but sadly not the truth. Studyless. We are unprepared. Coughing realizations. Coughing choking on feelings of course but the coughs are held within. One surfaces. Exhaustion of both pride and joy, too much to handle for one day. We lean in hopes to come closer to the one we owe our lives to. Oh thank you thank you. We don't know how to.. Oh thank you thank you. You feel you owe me for the sour words shared and taken. But I owe you for the honey spread and dripped... never careless. Never cold. Warm as the spring and in anticipation for summer. You were always warm.
Call her for me, says the eternally grateful. Like grating cheese. It makes no sense. Is grateful not great? Is it not something of stupendous? Head shoots up to grow towards the door of the light that switches on. Almost what caught us with our pants off. The blinds blow in the wind and the wind is summer-warm. No school is the feeling but sadly not the truth. Studyless. We are unprepared. Coughing realizations. Coughing choking on feelings of course but the coughs are held within. One surfaces. Exhaustion of both pride and joy, too much to handle for one day. We lean in hopes to come closer to the one we owe our lives to. Oh thank you thank you. We don't know how to.. Oh thank you thank you. You feel you owe me for the sour words shared and taken. But I owe you for the honey spread and dripped... never careless. Never cold. Warm as the spring and in anticipation for summer. You were always warm.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Unworthy
I honestly don't know what to write. Usually I say that and then write more than a page, but in this case, I'm not so sure. The cellphone's sitting next to the mouse pad. At once point I grabbed it and dragged it around trying to use it as a mouse on accident. Next to the cellphone is the camera. I pause to picture myself now. Should I show myself? Hm. Yeah sure.
I watch the photos as they import. Trying to capture myself without shaking the camera and without a fake smile.
There I am, at this minute.
Sitting with headphones on listening to more new songs, with my pajamas on and my hair slowly growing back.
I'm tired.
I'm worried too. Because I have a kanji test tomorrow. I'm terrible at kanji. But I guess if I memorize it I'll be fine.. But 20..? 20 is a lot.. And I have to bring a poem worthy to read in front of a symphony-theatre-sized audience. God I'm not worthy. That's all I can tell you..... How can I touch everyone in my few and only moments ever talking through my soul to an audience? Not like I talk to people at all.. It's the only chance I'll get to be listened to when I speak from my inner mind. I can't see it ever happening again..
Sigh and stress. Tense.
Okay.. what should my focus be.......
Japanese... and US history. Those two need the most effort. I'll try for that....
And I don't want to disappoint Dana (poetry lady), so I'll finish a poem.
I hate disappointing people.. There's nothing that makes me more guilty. For lord's sake, I wish my math teacher would stop bringing up the missing homework and the late assignments..... I'm working on it, I'm doing the best I can.. I'm not good at these things like I used to be. I'll bring up my grade slowly like I always do. I always find some way. For US history seems my magic doesn't work, so I'll have to try.
I got a D in the class last semester.
The thing is, I did most of the work and had a few missing assignments. So I'm honestly not sure why I had a D. Maybe I didn't do something that was worth a lot....
My parents think that there's something wrong with her grading methods or she recorded something wrong. I admit I think I deserve a C, not a D. At least it's not a N (for no credit) like it used to be....
*checks grades* currently I have a B, C, and N. The N is in math where I have a missing test (the only test we've taken so far) and I have some missing assignments. Thing is, it's been two weeks into the second semester or so, so if you're missing things you're kinda in trouble.
I need a to do list.
Mail Zach the CDs.
Type up and email Nana my poems.
Email mom (she's in Italy).
Make up math and Japanese tests.
Ask when I'm getting my teeth pulled.
Show Dana different poems after school Thursday.
Make a doctor appointment after mom gets back.
Write radio script.
Have mom pay me the 80 dollars she owes me.
Type the resume draft.
Schedule interview/job shadow.
5/2/2006 11:35 PM
SO I don't forget!!
To do:
Check on pressed flowers in the scrapbook.
Make my own crazy myspace survey bulletin... (including questions like 'which do you do more, roll your eyes or stick out your tongue?')
talk to Wess all day
eat breakfast
finish FLCL drawing (eventually)
scan doodle of light and dark side
Don't know what else for now.. I'm sure there's more.
Man I hate being busy. Having a scheduled week is my biggest pet peeve. I like doing whatever feels nice at the time. I loath having so much to think about having to do. Gosh. Anyway, pardon me as I study japanese and get a headache.
I watch the photos as they import. Trying to capture myself without shaking the camera and without a fake smile.
There I am, at this minute.
Sitting with headphones on listening to more new songs, with my pajamas on and my hair slowly growing back.
I'm tired.
I'm worried too. Because I have a kanji test tomorrow. I'm terrible at kanji. But I guess if I memorize it I'll be fine.. But 20..? 20 is a lot.. And I have to bring a poem worthy to read in front of a symphony-theatre-sized audience. God I'm not worthy. That's all I can tell you..... How can I touch everyone in my few and only moments ever talking through my soul to an audience? Not like I talk to people at all.. It's the only chance I'll get to be listened to when I speak from my inner mind. I can't see it ever happening again..
Sigh and stress. Tense.
Okay.. what should my focus be.......
Japanese... and US history. Those two need the most effort. I'll try for that....
And I don't want to disappoint Dana (poetry lady), so I'll finish a poem.
I hate disappointing people.. There's nothing that makes me more guilty. For lord's sake, I wish my math teacher would stop bringing up the missing homework and the late assignments..... I'm working on it, I'm doing the best I can.. I'm not good at these things like I used to be. I'll bring up my grade slowly like I always do. I always find some way. For US history seems my magic doesn't work, so I'll have to try.
I got a D in the class last semester.
The thing is, I did most of the work and had a few missing assignments. So I'm honestly not sure why I had a D. Maybe I didn't do something that was worth a lot....
My parents think that there's something wrong with her grading methods or she recorded something wrong. I admit I think I deserve a C, not a D. At least it's not a N (for no credit) like it used to be....
*checks grades* currently I have a B, C, and N. The N is in math where I have a missing test (the only test we've taken so far) and I have some missing assignments. Thing is, it's been two weeks into the second semester or so, so if you're missing things you're kinda in trouble.
I need a to do list.
Mail Zach the CDs.
Type up and email Nana my poems.
Email mom (she's in Italy).
Make up math and Japanese tests.
Ask when I'm getting my teeth pulled.
Show Dana different poems after school Thursday.
Make a doctor appointment after mom gets back.
Write radio script.
Have mom pay me the 80 dollars she owes me.
Type the resume draft.
Schedule interview/job shadow.
5/2/2006 11:35 PM
SO I don't forget!!
To do:
Check on pressed flowers in the scrapbook.
Make my own crazy myspace survey bulletin... (including questions like 'which do you do more, roll your eyes or stick out your tongue?')
talk to Wess all day
eat breakfast
finish FLCL drawing (eventually)
scan doodle of light and dark side
Don't know what else for now.. I'm sure there's more.
Man I hate being busy. Having a scheduled week is my biggest pet peeve. I like doing whatever feels nice at the time. I loath having so much to think about having to do. Gosh. Anyway, pardon me as I study japanese and get a headache.
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