Ow.......

Ow ow ow ow ow owowow I feel like crying for the first time in months and months..

And I ache everywhere. My heart literally aches. Well, technically just all the muscles in my chest have tensed up, but it feels like my heart is aching.
And it sucks. Hurts a lot. I just want to cry my eyes out.


Hey Zandry.. It's not your fault, I'll give you that much. Bless my fucking idiotic soul, I'm not blaming you for shit.
You even said after I said.....

"He's calm but I think he's freaking out because I'm talking to you..."
"lol"
"I told him"
"why?"
"I'm not going to hide things from him, jeesh.. I should tell him these things"
"it's your funeral"
"haha.."

Jesus you were quite correct Zandry. It still freaks me out how you said "Be with Wess!" all the time. But you also said "Be with Nikhil!" haha. But you were close enough. Sorry I didn't listen, I couldn't listen at the time. He wasn't even single, sheesh. :P and I didn't know he'd make a nice boyfriend.

Well, a nice boyfriend. but.. I don't know why he's so.. I don't know what the hell is making him... I don't know why the hell he's doing this.........

I love him to fucking death *squeezes eyes shut* I love him I love him why can't he get that. Why can't he understand I never want to hurt him and I'd give so much just for him to understand and know I'll stay.

I'm not a pretty girl who'll leave in a flash, I'm not someone that anyone has to try to deserve.

It hurts a lot. To hurt people.. There's nothing that hurts me more than that. Which is why I'm so broken right now. I hurt him and he continues to hurt me by making me realize that. And not being forgiven...
I remember at 13, I would hate myself constantly for stupid little things. Someone waved to me and I didn't have time to wave back, I stuttered, I bumped into someone.. For doing this I felt such an intense regret that I hated that I was alive. I cringed at every tiny little thing I did wrong.
That diminished mostly, but it still hurts me. Because I don't give much of a damn about myself, I just want the people I'm with to be happy. And when I hurt them somehow.. I feel more pain than you know.

I don't hold any protection against what I do.. When I step on a snail I feel so upset and have to pay my respects. When I do something wrong, even when they forgive me I feel quite terrible.

My life, that's how it is. Kinda hurts being alive when everything you do wrong (which is a lot) hurts more than it should.

Oh whatever, I'll go cry now.

Soap and Boyfriend

The only times I wear makeup in my life is when I'm bored..
Like now.

Took a long shower, not really because I wanted to be clean, but for the sake of having time alone to breathe and procrastinate, escape from the voices telling me what I have to do today. So a long shower, long long long and thorough.
I bought new soap because I like the things that smell strong in the way that makes my mom and dad wince, but my brother adores it. I asked mom to smell it and she made a face and coughed, I had my little brother smell it and he breathed deeply and said "ah that smells so good!"
Funny little contrasts.
But I can't keep the soap in our bathroom, because apparently my dad is allergic to it. I find that a bother, but I keep it in a little bowl in my room, and I note the wet soap is enough to make my room smell like roses instead of like the mouse up on my dresser.
Keebi, my mouse, is silly because she keeps moving around the bedding so that it blocks the wheel, and then anxiously gnaws at the top of the cage, as that she can't run. I thought she was just being weird and suddenly found a dislike for running, wanting to instead try to escape the cage or climb upsidedown. Didn't know she was just dumb in the way that she kept blocking the wheel on accident. So when the wheel was finally moved she seemed relieved to run to her heart's content.

I still haven't really held her but she will run over my hands and let me lift her a bit. Also she enjoys nipping fingernails. And fingers.. but she doesn't bite hard enough to hurt, so I never really worry about it. And if she does, she doesn't suddenly, you can see it coming.

Listening to Kiss Me Deadly, thinking of Wess, who I miss because he's not...
uh... wait, he is here.
Just got online. Funny timing.
It's our song so yeah.
He's watching a crappy documentary right now.. Interesting person, crappy documentary. Pity.

The baka had his cell turned off. Ah well.

Now he's watching one about parasites. I don't know how he can stand watching that. T__T Ew ew ew ew ew.

haha we're discussing animal facts and stuff. XD A giraffe's tongue is 18 inches long.

And now he's going to bed. Baah.

I've been in pajamas all day. ^__^

Anyway I should go.

School is a scary place.

And I don't want to go back. No no no no. I'd much rather get a job. Uuugh why must school be so necessary.. I've learned my words my math and everything but what I need to know.
I really just don't want to go, but I guess I do.

I just want to get out of here and I don't want to be afraid to go to sleep... Knowing that two days are left until HELL.

Hell hell hell.

God scary. Why is break so short.. It's only the usual weekend plus four days.. Technically break is like four days.. That's so dumb...

Why can't it be like a weeeek or something.

I have a test on the day I get back. And I also have have um.. ... Biology, math...
God it's all flooding at once. -__-
I don't.. I do.. I don't.. I do...
I don't have the willpower.. ..... Yes. .. I do.

I WILL.
I WILL I WILL I WILL HAVE A RELAXING FUCKING SUNDAY!

Okay. Waking at 6 EFFIN AM tomorrow. AND DOING HOMEWORK ALL DAY.....!

Let's see how I do.
I.. WILL... FOR ONCE.. I WILL DO IT ALL.
I WILL.
I WILLLLLLL...

(I'll try...)

La la

Elated, to say the least...

First off, February 21st is my sixteenth birthday.
2nd of all, I just had a wonderful conversation with Wess.
Passion between us is strong as ever.
Very deep connection that's mind-boggling.
Also mind-boggling how much he loves me.
I honestly believe that it's not even possible for someone to love me as much as he does. I really don't think that anyone I ever meet will feel so strongly for me. Such extreme love and care.
Three hours later in his world. I smiled and remembered the lullaby I recorded on a cassette tape when I was little. I also remembered how Wess' mom would hum him to sleep when he was little. So I hummed it quietly, trying my best to remember. When I finished the tune in general I told him it was the lullaby I was talking about, and laughed and asked if he wanted me to continue. "yes" he said, and he sounded more sleepy. I laughed and said so. He said the song didn't help. I grinned and continued to hum into the phone for a long time, listening to his breathing as I did so. After a long while I blanked of tunes and went silent. Upon my silence he said softly "I love you so much Tanya" I smiled "I love you too Wess" We talked quietly a bit, and he said he'd protect me from anything and that he'd always be there for me. He told me to promise him I'd never forget that he loves me, and I did.

Wess is me if I wasn't afraid of crowds, if I was more loose and had more of a humor. He was telling me jokes and I didn't get most of them because I was analyzing them too much. He's me, but a lot more open and relaxed.

He's really something..

"I'm sorry but...
Rather this is real or not...
Even if it is just a dream that we're both living...
I'm going to continue to love you....
And if I lose you...
It'll be pointless moving on because...
The only time I've ever met a person like you...is when I've looked in the mirror and saw my own personality...
I'll never find that again...."

I hope putting his heart in my hands is something that can be trusted. I hope I'm not the cause of his demise, that I never hurt him. Because for once, it all depends on me.

Honestly, all my little wishes came true.
I wished for once I wouldn't be stuck loving someone who didn't love me back. I wished that I would no longer be the one waiting and wondering, that I could be in charge of my fate. That I could be with someone who was sure, that I could be with someone who was just as weird paranoid and clingy as me.
His heart is mine, I'll take good care of it. I hope my best is enough.



12 AM. Happy birthday to me.

Restless

I'm restless. Don't know what I want to do.
I guesssss I'll play videogames and finish off my chocolate bar. *shrugs*

Story of a Breakdown

Just remembering this.
I find it interesting that I broke down so much when Wess was thinking of cointinuing talking to the girl who he was with who hurt him. Interesting because about two weeks later, I was his girlfriend. At the time I had no idea I wanted to be with him.. So it was interesting. I was incredibly upset, and didn't know why.


I'm going to bold everything I think was quite interesting, in relation to the future. Also italics for the section that corresponds.
ーーーー
Basics is I read a conversation she had between her and our friend Sara (the one that introduced us, Sara and i are still friends) and it basically made me think one thing: "Regardless of her immaturity, stupidity and bitchiness, I do OWE her one chance" and i talked to Sara about it and Sara told me she has been speaking to Samantha all day and she really regrets lying to me. No, I haven't done anything yet

HELL NO. NO

More like "Because.." I did promise you and you said to not make a decision like that without you

Tanya, now wait a second

No NO NO

TANYA

NO~! I don't care! the once more chance crap, it's shit! utter shit!

Tanya, it would be strictly friends, strictly friends. I may be a little hwacky for considering this but I have enough brain cells to not be lured into anything dumb. I will not get very close to her again either but she is going through this much just to be my friend at least, I owe her a chance

I don't care!!!!! You're being guilt tripped into letting her break you again. What the hell does she really deserve this?? she lied to you, continued to, didn't care, why should you give her a chance? why do you want to talk to the bitch? You said so yourself! She's a bitch! friendship would only effin hurt there's absolutely no point but 'because I gave you a chance, you should give me one' blah blah blah!

I can't give you a good reason but I find nothing wrong with it. No, it won't hurt me. I feel no hurt at all

I don't care it's POINTLESS. POINTLESS. Why do it if you have no reason to? because you can't let go? because it makes you feel better having her around? that's not moving on, that's not finding someone, that's staying on the past. you'll be spending all the time you could be looking for someone in all this time you're chatting with a stupid girl who hurt you

Tanya, I know you care about me and want what's best for me but I'm not dumb enough to let her hurt me again. No because even if her and I are just friends, aquantinces, it won't be like it used to be, I won't let it
I'm not going to wait for her Tanya, I don't want a relationship with that girl ever again

I know! SO WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE FRIENDS? WHY BOTHER? there's no reason! guilt! no! no excuses! I don't care what her friends say! they're her friends! of course they side with her. I side with you and I say to hell with her and let it go, don't give her the damned satisfaction of keeping you. SHE NEEDS TO LEARN THAT WHAT SHE DID WAS WRONG she learns she can use any guy she likes and he'll still be her friend .. what the hell Wess

Sara is my friend before she was Samantha's friend. I've known her for 4 years. It won't give her that satisfaction, all it'll give her is relief and it'll give me relief

how is it relieving.. to relive it all, with every word. I hate this wess I'm sick and tired of bitches winning

I won't be reliving anything though, that's what you aren't getting. It's like starting over, except me knowing her true self. It'd be like the day we met, except I won't let her get close.
Hey, I didn't lie to you yet did I? I didn't make a move because I know if I did behind your back I would hurt you. I wanted to to be here so I could explain it. I WILL NOT let her betray me again, I WILL NOT let her hurt me again, I WILL NOT let her get anywhere near as close as she was again

*throws a fit in mind* THEN WHY LET HER GET close enough to be a damned FRIEND? she doesn't deserve friend, she's not a friend, she's not any friend I'd ever want to meet. she's a selfish flirtbag who lies boasts and has issues that she will draag you into

She's more of a friend than she was a girlfriend or close friend. She cares enough that she isn't letting go and personally I would feel worse if I knew she was trying and I just totally blew her away without a second glance. That is just me, I am too sensitive and caring, I know but I've learned. After all of this, I have learned. She won't hurt me again

I don't care. It pisses me off

-Hugs- Come on, you said you trust me. Trust me when I say, I won't let her hurt me again, I won't make the same mistakes I did before and I won't let her get close

no. I don't trust you. I dont' trust anyone. and not in this situation. I may trust you with me but I don't trust you with you, stop trying to change my mind.

Tanya...people learn. I'm not a stupid person, i learn. I don't believe in abandoning people though, not like this. I mean, if I would of left and know she didn't care, it would be different. But that's not how it is...

shut up for a sec and let me explain WHY I'm so fucking pissed. all my life these people get away with stuff.. They lie to people, they cheat, they hurt people so badly. But they're so sweet and cute that no one ever gets upset at them. They get away with everything, because they cry and sob and cling and say 'oh, but I love you' 'oh, but but but' and then they just fucking do it again. people like me don't do this in the first place. And all the sweet guys out there are being deceived over, and over, and over, because they can't say 'no' and leave. they ignore everyone around them, just because they think she's what they need, and it's such shit. and they're so confident and so easily control everyone around them. they need to die. the nice people, no one cares about them because they always want to give the bitch a second chance. they'd rather listen to her sob story than find the one who's actually for them. they'd rather pity her and fall for what she says. they'd rather be her little whore and let her continue to not learn.
I want her to hurt for all she's done to you and not WIN

You're acting like I want her back in my life for a serious relationship or because I want her to get close to me again. I'm fine with her being my friend, aquantince, nothing even close or relative to serious. I will not fall for her, I will not. She's not the one I want to spend my life with, she's not the one I want to be with, she's not the one i want to be close with. A friend is a friend. I won't let her get any satisfaction out of this

I just hate her

Because basically...in her convo with Sara she said: 'I will move on, if he comes back and doesn't want to be with me I will move on' and I don't care, she acts this way to try and hurt me and it doesn't work with me anymore

I hate everyone like her

Tanya, have enough respect for me to realize I would not let myself get hurt by her again. Please

I still fucking hate this. people like her... don't deserve.. another chance.. I hate it

It's not like I'm going to give her something to be satisfied over. I'm going to give her a friend but not a close friend. Her and I won't even be the friends we used to be. I won't give her advice, I won't care what boys she goes out with, I won't let her guilt me by saying anything and if she attempts to, I'll walk away because I know how she is now

then why are you being her friend again?

Because regardless of what other people see, I owe it to her. Just because she broke her promises to me doesn't mean I need to break every promise I made to her

you don't need to break every promise. I want you to make it all stop. every myspace message, nearly, on my page says 'thanks for cheering me up' or something about how you were depressed. you were sad whenever you were with her, as long as I knew you. is it wrong to think this is bad when she betrays you and you still want to be her friend. I don't want you to be friends with someone who makes you sad

I never said it is wrong, I'm not upset with you or anything Tanya. I undersatnd why you're upet but doing this, will make myself relieved and it will just clean my concious. Yes, because as bad as that sounds, that's what kind of guy I am. I cannot abandon people. She won't make me sad anymore though, I won't let her...understand this, I won't let her. You knew us as long as her and I were together...when we were friends, things were normal. She won't make me sad

I hate her, that is all, I'm tired and I'm so pissed at you and her. because I hate it

Well I just sent her an e-mail because she is still on...do you want to see it?

I don't care It'll just piss me off

*email is shown*

she.. does not deserve this.. *sigh* I don't know why but I feel like crying my eyes out

-Hugs you- Come on..

I do.. I don't know why. something about it

I won't allow her to hurt me anymore, I WILL NOT allow it

I don't care about that, that's not why I feel like crying that's what I mean I dont' know what I mean I dont' know

:
she hurt you. she hurt you. so why does she get it all back.. what the hell am I connecting this with that hurts anyway.. mmm
I dont' see the logic in these things.. friends.. are those you hold close to you, those you love, those of your special group that you can trust and tell everything.. why keep someone so undeserving.. I would never speak to her again

You know what though, I am upset now but not because of her. I'm upset because I don't like seeing you so upset over this. She's won a friendship, she hasn't won anything else. A normal friendship is almost worthless. No, to me a friend is just a person you talk to. There's something inbetween friend and a relationship. Best friend, close friend, whatever you want to call it

now I know why this is hurting me.. because THAT WAS ME No matter what anyone did to me I would give them another chance and it hurts. but I let everyone walk all over me I forgave absolutely everything' I gave everyone second chances and it's not fair. I can't stand up for myself, I can't do a fucking thing to mean people.. so watching you do it, it makes me so upset.. I'm just so tired of mean people getting everything they want... while I get nothing.. I hate to watch it happening to other people too

I was never close because it felt like I never was going to let it go. Even though she may not be grateful, that little convo right there gave me relief. I feel like everything is just fine now. This pain is obviously more about your past than what is going on with me. But that doesn't make you a bad person it doesn't make you any less of a person. I wish I knew the right thing to say to just cheer you up a little and make you realize this situation is nowhere near like that, it's not as bad and it won't get worse Other than that All i can say is I'm sorry for letting you down

fine..

:
god I don't know what's wrong with me right now..

Neither do I

I'm just so.. out of it... ow ow my eyes.. I'm so so so so emotional and out of it, soomething cracked and I don't know how what or why. I'm sorry I haven't been understanding at all, I'm just freaking

You don't have to apologize, I'm not upset with you or anything. I'm more worried, I don't like seeing you so upset...are you alright?

I don't know.. I dont' know why I have noo idea it's weird. I guesss... I'm just remembering stuff I haven't thought of for a long time just all the anger and saddness and stuff, it all came back.

I understand and it's probably best that you got it all out

why the hell.. only one kleenex in the box

-Tosses his sweatshirt over to Wshington for you- Blow your nose you tard

lol I think I'm feeling hopeless something

"Something" is right...

what is it..

You tell me -laughs- I'm not you

I'll try to sum it up.. let's see.. all my life I've been watching guys love bitches, no one ever loved me, no one talked to me, no one does still. and I was so upset, because I'm so nice to everyone. they use me they don't care. yet the ones who are mean everyone loves and it hurts so much to not be able to be mean, when people are mean to you

It proves you're a good person, you can laugh at that if you want to but it's true. If we act like them and treat them the same way, we are no better than them. It may be an out-moded saying but it's so very true. i mean...that's almost like revenge. Example I didn't want revenge on her, I didn't want to cuss her out or purposely attempt to make her cry. By doing this and letting her know "Okay we're friends but you will not get close to me again" i have not only let her know I will never forgive her but I have also satisfied my concious and made me feel reliefed. You don't realize it, she's won Nothing. Mean people never win, no matter what it seems like

yeah yeah.. I just found it so unfair, that the nice people hurt and forgive those who hurt them

It's part of being nice :P Nice isn't a euphamism for "REVENGE, KILL THEM!"

but no one likes me, I hate it, yet they follow the preppy pretty girls

Would you shut up

lol

Seriously....you talk on such a small scale

sorry I'm just upset and childish

You haven't even got out of your hole in the wall town. You're a wonderful fucking person Tanya, just stop it. Any guy would be lucky to be with you because you don't betray, you don't push, you listen, you talk, you help to understand, you don't confront for no reason, you're what this world needs to be like. Looks have nothing to do with anything, most people are blind and that's something we all have to live with. But if you're so upset with it why don't you just listen to the people like me who tell you these things? The people who think you look fine, who think you're an awesome person, listen to US and don't focus on what people who have no future have to say

lol

Of course, the answer I was expecting

it got to me because.. for three years, all I saw was this.. so I kinda lost any feeling that the world had anyone sane left.. I felt like the good will always be punished, the bad will always win. The unjust. And I feel like so little can see any good in me, so what point does it have? I'm only useful to a few

You want to know why it's useful? Because those few will grows into more and in the end we are the people who will be by your side through thick and thin. Everything that hurts you, we'll be there to help you no matter what. We'll help you every time you cry, shout, feel angry. Doesn't that mean anything?

it does. I just wonder, will they even stay. half of my really good friends from then faded away, the two I loved did too. the people I trust most, they just disappear. I dont' have a best friend anymore, she doesn't really talk to me it's just depressing

I understand because that has basically been my life But then I found Zach, the only guy friend I actually like to talk to. I consider him a good friend and even though he's a pessimistic dick, he cares about me and he helps me through anything. I found you, and slowly and slowly you're meaning more and more to me and I trust you with anything and everything. I have quite a bit of "friends" people who I talk to. But people like you and Zach, even though it's only 2 people, I know they'll be there and they make life worth living

heh

You just have to learn to live with the few that care rather than focus on the ones that don't and will end up leaving

ugh, everything about life is so overwhelming T__T

Memory

I'm looking through old notes right now.....
Notes from Wess that he left me on 'space. In order by when he sent them..
It's making me both happy and sad. Sad because, well, it's sad how torn he was. But happy because that's over. And happy because I chose to help him, and that was a very good choice. Not like I wouldn't have, I'm just glad he opened up to me so I could.

"-Crying-
I'm listening to music and playing FFXI
-Hugs, doesn't let go-
Am I that bad of a guy?
I don't trust anything she says anymore :'(
I hate this, I won't be okay
I feel like I'm fucking dying"
(Nov. 22, 2005)
----

I had a breakdown this one time on him. Because he was going back to her I think. He had just about left and he wanted to continue talking to her. I got so terribly upset.
(at this point, I had no idea I wanted to be with him)

"Do not even think about it, Wess!
Don't even think about it!
I'll beat your ass, never speak to you again!

I won't speak to you again if you give that bitch another chance. Because that's the stupidest thing you ever could do. She used you to feel loved and went behind your back and lied. She can't stop lying. She said so herself. DON'T GO BACK TO HER EVER! You said you wouldn't, so don't!

Just because your sad and lonely.. You shouldn't go back just from that. You can't go back. Don't. Look forward to visiting me and think of other things. Watch movies. Talk to me when I get home, or tomorrow.

Don't go back while I'm gone, if anything. I need a good fight before you do. I'll feel totally betrayed if you make that decision without me.

Because I'd have no way to save you from being dumb.

Hugs go to you, you deserve the best. She is not the best. And I believe the best is out there. So please wait for me."

That was my note, but I was worse when I talked to him.
I never thought that I would be the 'best' that he would end up being with.

Slept and daydreamed for good amount of time. Lied in bed cuddled up in warm covers, it's a cold day. 38 degrees. I can't believe there was a firedrill at 7:48 AM. I was wearing a light dress with no sleeves, bare shoulders, bare back. Stayed out there for about 15 minutes, so very cold.

It's nice to be in love.
I think when Wess and I meet I want mom to like, from a distance hiding behind a corner or in the crowd or something- I want her to videotape. Because if we're meant for each other and feel as we do now, then it'll be the most precious memory in my entire life. I'd give a lot to remember word for word and remember everything I saw. At least then I would see my reaction from afar, see how cute we look together, haha.
I was just daydreaming wondering what would happen, and if we were silent and embraced, I would likely whisper in his ear "so, am I enough?"
I then laughed to myself because if he asked the same thing, I may be tempted to say "well kiss me and let's see"
Then after that I imagined saying "I would have said yes whether you were good or not, but the answer now is.. 'hell yes!'"
I would then laugh blush and give him a bigger hug.

Makes me smile big thinking about it.

But like Wess said, you can't eat can hardly sleep and it's nerve-wracking. I'll be so amazingly jittery. Whether I can say all that so smoothly without stuttering and without getting tongue-twisted is questionable.
'OH GOD what do I wear~!?' will be the first question. Should I wear my very extremely lazy clothes, including my oversized hoodie and baggy pants as usual.. Or should I wear something more nice, or should I go super nice, or should I be funky.. God knows what I'll decide. I think I'll go for in between comfort and pretty.

I'll continue this train of thought later..

Aww

Wess said "I love you sweetheart"

.... Awwwwwwwww~!

Heeeheeeeeeee happy. :D I love you too Wess!!!!! You're the best boyfriend ever! Everything I've ever wanted, my twin, ^__^. I love you I love you I love you <3

Happy Valentine's day yet again my darlin'. :*

Today, Smile

My apologies to Renan for not responding to his email yet--... It's been chaotic trying to finish homework. And I've kinda been banned from the computer until I finish it..

I called Wess today. .. ...... :)
<3

I felt slightly retarded but I enjoyed talking even so.
^ ^;;... Yes I laugh to myself at every pause, when nothing is said, when something comes to my head. And yes I can't figure out how to put anything to words, and cannot read Wess' nearly constant sarcasm. I basically giggled or went "hehe.." to myself about.. at least 20 times during the 1 or 2 hour phone call.
I guess that's my way of smiling over the phone. They can't see me, and silence is kinda like.. you wonder why it's so quiet. So a small giggle to show that I'm happy here or enjoying a thought. Who knows. But it's something I do all the time, at least, on the phone with Wess.

He says he's shy. :P I can't imagine that when he's talking away and throwing out sarcastic jokes and laughs at the randomness of my giggling and telling me about things. But when it gets quiet I can see it. But when he's quiet I don't see it as shy, just more.. sweet? Quiet isn't shy.. But I guess it depends.

I love how soft and honest his voice sounds when he says he loves me. ^__^ Just gives me that warm happy feeling every time I hear it. Just thinking about it is making me get that warm fizzy feeling. :)

Hm.. For some reason I couldn't really say what was on my mind though. I guess it was I just couldn't put it to words or question. I don't exactly know how to express- that I'm dying to hear ..- I'd give a lot to hear.. just.. ... ..... ...... even here I'm having trouble putting it to words...... ...
When he talks about sweet things.. or.. when he starts talking about things we'll do together.. (the lights down at central park, how I'd bundle up and he'd carry me, cuddling as we take a nap..) his voice just gets soft and quiet, and the way it sound is just.. I don't know. Lulling, relaxing, sweet, makes me smile and just feel... Loved and like hugging him and not letting go. Or like for just a moment he's here. And whenever he talks that way, I lose any doubt of him ever leaving, lose all doubts about the possibility of it not working.. It's like a silent promise that he'll always love me, and that I really mean something to him.

How I would explain this over the phone.. Impossible, which is why I went silent, and I laughed and say, how am I supposed to ask this?

He wondered if it was making out I had in mind, which could be (would be nice) but that's not what I meant.

I'm.. Not confident, not reassured, so I guess I just want to curl up and listen to.. haha... 'sweet nothings'... (but not nothings at all). I'm like a child, I already said... Give me a lullaby, tell me a story, speak softly. Curl up in the embrace of your voice.
I don't know why.. just.. bleh I'm odd.
It's like how I always stay in bed for a long time, just so I can close my eyes and think about things I wish. Just to daydream and feel safe and untouchable, like nothing's to fear and nothing will hurt me. A temporary sanctuary, a safety.
.. I'd like to be safe in your arms. (that was random)

Anyway, enough rambling.......

Caught in the Act

Speaking of lack of privacy.. Hahaha.

Wish Come True?

Parents just went out to Target. Carson is absorbed into his game.

TIME TO RUN OFF AND PUT ON FUNKAY CLOTHES!

*laughs evily*

Tanya hasn't had real fun in what feels like centuries.

A lack of Privacy 'Right Now..

I wish I was home alone.' Because, right now I'm in a funny mood. In the mood to blast Me Plus One or some hyper electric or beat oriented song.. And to dance and twirl in a weird outfit and to play with my hair. Haha.
I would have so much fun, if only I was alone. I get hyped up sometimes.
"Ms B Ms E Ms AUT Ms. M Ms. FUO..."

It's the only song that sounds like pop that I like. The only song with a girl with a blonde voice that I like. Besides Supermodel which I like for some reason- catchy, though I really dislike those kind of people.

Really wish I could be home alone.
I was home alone with my mom. I figured she'd be busy. But I swear..
I go downstairs and I'm paranoid as it is, listening to her footsteps, and then she comes down. She asks what I'm doing. I say I'm "looking for a book" (honestly I was reading a book of cheesy dirty jokes, haha), and she was like "what book?" I say "just any book, trying to find one to read" "Oh, do you want me to help you find one?" "Nah." "Well can I hang down here with you then?" "No no.. I'm about to go upstairs anyway" I go upstairs and then she ends up there, doing some stuff on the computer. She asks me if I want to go anywhere, I say no because I'm tired. Other things like that happen the rest of the time I'm alone with her.

So, I never really do get any time for privacy. Even when I'm locked in my room someone will always knock asking for something.
At night I was writing in my journal-thing .. (two days ago I think) and I had my door locked. My mom knocked. "Whatcha doing?" (why do they always ask?). "Writing" I say. She says she had something to give me. This means she has my pill. I say no wait I'll take it myself later. She says to take it now. I say no way. She's like "Tanyaa..." and I go "Fine.." despite how much I don't want to get off the bed, close my journal, and unlock the door to swallow a pill.
She sits down with me and then while I take my pill, she sneaks a look at my journal (well, not really sneaking, she just gave me a look and then snatched it up). I didn't protest because I hadn't written anything that personal. She says it's nice and sets it back down.
Finally she leaves after a while.

Oh yeah.. And I shared a bathroom with five people all my life. Now it's four, but yeah. For some reason mom always has to use it right when I'm getting in or getting out of the shower. It's really annoying. I need to learn to ask her before I do, haha..

The bathroom door doesn't have a lock, so we use the closet. The closet opens in front of the door, so you can open it enough to block the knob, so that if anyone opens it it'll ram against the closet door, and there's no way to get past it unless you close the door all the way and the person inside closes the closet door. Useful. Saved me a good number of walk-ins with guests. They can't seem to tell when someone's in the bathroom.
Course the lightswitch to the bathroom is actually outside of the bathroom, which is interesting. It's next to the door, in the hallway. I used to turn it off on Alex when he was taking a shower. Then he shouts and I go "OH! You're in there? Sorry!"
Sometimes we really did do it on accident though, especially if someone was using the bathroom while someone was taking a shower. You automatically feel the need to turn off the light so you forget someone's in there and do anyway....

Thank Gramps my door has a lock. Goshhh.. I used to not have a door! I was young though, so it didn't matter I guess. It had a weird rubber screen thing, that was solid enough to be a door but was.. weird and ugly looking. I think it was gone at some point. But at that time I'm sure they asked Gramps to make a door for it. He did, I asked for him to put in a lock for me.. So my brothers wouldn't steal my stuff or come in my room when I didn't want them to. I'm so glad I asked. I don't know how old I was, 8, 11?

Anyway.. I wish I could walk through one room without encountering someone, or having someone walk past me, or having someone ask me what I'm doing.

For Some Reason- Wish and Nasty Habits

These things came to mind....
--

Honestly, I really wish I could be a camera whore. I wish I could be vain. I wish I could take pictures of myself in dramatic ways and I wish I could flaunt these on the internet. I wish I could do whatever the hell I want. I wish I could do stupid selfish things like that, and not be judged for it. I wish I could and have no one really care. I wish I didn’t care what people thought and did whatever the heck I feel I want to.
I wish I could do what was stereotypically goth, emo, scene, preppy, without someone telling me I was one of these things.
I wish I could be a model, because I’d like to try on the neat clothes and be an image of art. I wish I could be a model who only wore makeup to emphasis and went without botox.
---

I have odd sides to me. I have the side, that says, I want to be not held in by this mold of what I should or shouldn't do, not because it's against what I believe, but because other people would see me wrongly because of it. The side that wants to go against what makes the stereotypical Tanya.
--

I don't like going to school, because subconsciously, though I'm used to it, I'm thinking of how I look... Constantly. I'm wincing at my hair. I'm trying to smooth out the tinted greasy locks that I didn't have time to wash. My hands go to my face.. Only half aware, my fingernails run over every scab mark or flaw. I only know myself aware because I try to conceal this action. Makeup in the morning to hide the red. Babypowder to hide the shine of grease in my hair. Another glance in the mirror and the prayer that I don't look as terrible as I feel I do. In pictures I move my hair over my eye, half of habit, or maybe especially to hide the flaws of my face that clash against pale skin.

I have to wear bandaids on my face at night, because I get nervous. And when I'm nervous, what happens? Fingers to face. So a bandaid to anything I can feel in contrast, if I run my fingers down my face. It just makes it look worse, though for some reason it's calming to make it so instead of feeling the roughness of scabs or acne I feel blood instead. Comfort in knowing that'll 'heal' and be gone. Right. Known not to be true, but I guess I'd be willing to bloody my face if the flaws could be gone. Wasting kleenex pressing it to my face to stop the most minor yet endless flow of blood, a pain in the ass. So I stop at that point. But a day later, no doubt I'll give to temptation.
Though calming, the next day it makes me feel worse about my looks. And when I feel bad about my looks, I maim up my face more. Funny how that is.
I once said to one, it's my way of self mutilation. Course he worried when I called it that. Sounds a lot more dramatic.
What habits..
My hands are very restless. Nervous restless, I need to feel something, do something, when I'm nervous. Commonly during class my hands have nothing but eachother.. Unlike the average, my nails aren't short because I bite them. They are because I peel them. Also I've recently been bobbing my leg at an uncontrollable rate, making Carson say "quit doing that!" feeling the vibrations on the couch. When nervous I also play with my hair, and put my hands in my pockets. Or I draw all over my hands, writing the things on my mind keeping me so restless.

I have a lot of odd nasty habits such as that. I don't mention it because it's gross, but I may as well. Honestly I don't really consciously hate the way I look, or anything like that.. Yet I subconsciously do all these things.. All things that have to do with 'flaws' and self-conscious thoughts. I guess it's odd and interesting.
Ha-ha Wess, I'm a handful.

ACT

Tomorrow morning at 8 AM I'm taking the ACT two years early.
I wonder how I'll do. And if I'll make it to college.. That'd be neat.

My love...

He's back. : )

Well-

I fell asleep at 5:45 daydreaming about Wess, and woke at 8:30 PM.

Oops.
Bad start for the new quarter. But I was exhausted.

GOD I'm so thirsty. I NEED chocolate milk.

"They call her Natasha when she looks like Elsie, I don't want to go to Cheeelseaa..." -Elvis Costello

I had an interesting dream while I had that deep early evening nap..
I was hugging a towel and imagining it was Wess humming in my mind that he was all I need..

The apartment I was staying in had a secret store. It was kinda like a dorm more than anything, just because everyone was my age (about 17 in this case, in the dream). They give you this one key and it had a red rubber rim on the head of mine..
If you go to the second floor of the open-air staircase (nearly, but it's covered from the rain), there's a door marked "EXIT" that's closed and locked, with a keyhole. I found that my key unlocks it.
For whatever reason my mom was with me that day. I opened the door and peeked in.. And it lead to an open air walkway that looked out at the Ave (well it looked like the Ave, that sort of place, string of stores etc). It was of course, up above ground, second floor. It had no other entrance, and it seemed difficult to see from the ground. You walk up a little stairway to the door, and it was marked with a logo that I had seen graffitied places.
For some reason I thought this was a store where they sold illegal drugs.. So my mom went in and I didn't. She told me it was okay but it was mostly 'stuff for men'.
She did get a bunch of neat old photographs though.

Before I woke up, I went down to the water, and in the wood at the edge, was carved 'Cookies are from mom" or something weird. I wondered if another locked off place near the water could be opened with my key.

Then mom woke me up and she had cookies. Funny.
--

I hope Wess got his job and that he's doing well..

A Brutally Honest Personal Ad

5’ 8’’ 15 year old moody caucasian female seeking sensitive, cute, cuddly male who feels more worthless than she, or anyone who can deal with her damaging personality
-is nervous, anti-social, clingy, full of assumptions, and is easily confused
-enjoys looking freakish, spending hours on the computer writing angsty poetry, playing video games, listening to music that you’ve never heard of
-is easily made jealous, but will appreciate the smallest signs of affection
-obsessed with hot chocolate, needs a hug more than twice a day, is childish in many ways, sleeps more than twelve hours when given the chance, is paranoid, and easily frightened.
can be reached at goldengirl12@comcast.net
----

Wrote that.. February 13th 2005, so just before I turned 15 actually
let me add to that.

-extremely insecure and demands constant reminders of how much you love her
-takes things too personally
-very sheltered, doesn't know who Sir Elton John is
-picky and will not eat foods that look gross
-afraid of spiders and the dark, requiring the following:
the immediate removal, by cup, of a spider, no matter how tedious... she will not sleep
to be guided through all dark rooms, or be assisted in turning on the lights
-does not plan on driving
-does not party
-afraid of crowds and prone to headaches and irritability
-hopelessly romantic
-easily hurt, extremely sensitive
-undesirably unfeminine
-easily gets lost
-refuses to go anywhere alone, or split up in a public place



Tadaa..!

Woot

Maaaayre is coming ooooverrr... SO long since I've had a friend over. Jeezus 10:12.. It's early for me. Zzz..
How fun. Yawn. I need breakfast.

Rejuvenate

Tanya's pissed and stressed, can't you tell?
So I guess I'll go take a nice bath. Bubbles <3 Haha.
Baths are nice. But I have a strange pet peeve/paranoia with murky water. For whatever reason murky water in the bath really bothers me. So I tend not to take baths regularly, as I dislike to wash my hair in it. Yeah, being blind to the water beneath me just.. bothers me, even knowing nothing's there.
As a kid I was afraid a fish was hiding in the water somewhere. So I'd always run my hands through the water many times, all around to the bottom.. And I still do.
I just dislike that space behind me in the tub. Feel vulnerable, like something could be behind me, just where I can't see. Funny little childish fears I have. Well, I'm a child at heart.. I never grow up.

Funny how Wess has some of the same dumb fears, like the whole ankle grabbing thing. But he's crazy for horror... so.. it doesn't make a lot of sense.

I love you Wess. T__T I'll say that again. Fucking hell I miss you.

Anyway baths are niiiiiice. I like bath crap.. Like bath confetti. XD Smelly junk. Just makes you feel nice. Just all 'I'm clean and I smell like flowers and it's pretty ^__^'. I have to feel like a girl sometimes, I do have the girly side to me. In most ways I'm a tomboy, but that's only because I'm not willing to bother with the trouble of wearing pretty heels and uncomfortable and hard to run in clothing. I'd rather be wearing loose boy pants and be able to move my legs without feeling so constrained.
Sometimes I do enjoy being totally girly though.
Bath stuff is one of them. Soaps and candles and bath roses and weird ass fun bath things.
XD
Waterpets! I remember them, do you? I remember the ads.. I had one. Oh fuck where did my waterpet go.. T__T Did we throw him out?
Waterpets waterpets, ooo wow oh waterpets, waterpets! Doo doo doo..

He was cute. I liked it a lot. What happened to them..

Anyway, I'll go enjoy myself now. Bye.

Ow-

Hard pain on my arm, just below my shoulder.
Threw something at me. A toy car. Hard.
'w-whaat..?' sputter.
on accident.

Go the fuck away you fucking people

Oh...

..The phone won't stop fucking ringing.. Stay away from me.. Stay stay far away and let me alone, I just want to live and be alone alone alone please go away. I'm lonely but I want to be alone. Please leave me alone.. Alone with my thoughts. So I can wish for Wess in peace.

Tanya Misses Wess

Tanya misses Wess. For now she lives off fleeting thoughts of kissing him and sitting in quiet with her headphones, wishing she could feel it. Her fingers play with the flash on the camera, opening and closing, pushing it back with a click as it pops up, just to press the button again. Restless mind and cold hands. She takes the fingers of her right hand and squeezes them gently, coaxing away the numb of cold with the flow of blood. She dizzies over a sugar headache, resting her head in her hands, cold fingers tracing up her temples as her eyes fall down to the desk. A faint tint of grey still lines the wood from her formerly marker-scribbled palms, clammy hands bleeding ink, from months ago. Still she tries in vain to warm her cold hands, putting them to her lips, as if her breath alone would be enough. But with every breath and fleeting moment of warmth, the cold comes as if none was there at all. She stuffs her hands into her pockets, fingering the bus pass, rolled up gum and mechanical pencils. A sigh. How much his voice alone would soothe the empty feeling growing inside her. Just his breath on the other side of the receiver, just the smallest of greeting, just the knowledge that she was on his mind. Fear, don't white her out of your life, don't forget you, is who she loves.
Cold and of little enthusiasm, she waits, for the return of smiles and laughter.