Trying to get Moving

Sometimes I get scared that I don't have the capability to be happy. Nah, I know I do. I'm just bummed out right now. I'm scared that I'll be like this a lot. And I don't like being depressed. I miss you.
My back hurts because I haven't left this chair for hours. I can't sleep so I was endlessly looking at yahoo answers and answering them, while also trying to download the episode of grey's anatomy that I missed. I got the episode, but the last minute of the episode is muted for some reason! So that part remains a mystery, which makes me sad. Because usually the ends have a twist. I wonder how I can find out what it is? The episode was Losing My Mind, episode 15 of season 4. I write that here so I'll remember to look if I ever have the time.
I'm having a lot of stress right now. I should be excited but I'm just anxious anxious anxious and having Wess at work doesn't help. I don't want to miss graduation but I'm so anxious about the whole rehearsal and so forth because what if I can't make it to that? Should I still go? What do I do? I want to be there for Amanda and just in case I would regret it in the future.

I feel SOOOO overwhelmed right now. And I have no moral support or 'go at it!!' cheering from Wess because he's at work. :( So I find myself lazing around all day waiting for him, being glum and not doing much of anything. I stay up all night and like now, I'm not eating when I get hungry or using the bathroom when I kind of need to. In other words I'm just really bummed out all day and night and am not getting any sleep or being productive.

I think packing and such has become one of those projects I'm afraid to start. I'm afraid to start trying to find all the stuff on the computer I want to burn onto CDs. Because I feel like it'll never be over! And I don't know what to pack and feel afraid to pack too much because my parents are paying for it.

I just don't know where to start. What to do.. And how to be happy while I do it.
I miss Wess. It's frustrating.. I'm nervous...
I need to get my ass off the computer and get ready. Just I'm having so much trouble doing that, for some reason. I think it's because I feel like I have so much I need to do here, when in reality that's hardly true. Bleh.

Today's Theme: Nostolgia

Today I looked at documents I haven't seen in more than two years. Things I wrote randomly or never finished. It's really hilarious because reading old things inspires myself. Reading things I don't remember. Maybe it's because I can look at it as if it never happened to me. So I can experience what the reader would feel reading something new.

So everything in here will be things I don't remember. Poems mostly.
----


we’re like the sea, toss and turn
we can’t see, and never learn
but still pushed forward, endless winds
moon to tide, star-studded fins
---

Spinning, sliding, lifting
our eyes are dark and glistening
at the thoughts that we share alone
the only love I’ve known
thinking through dreams, the days that passed
heart, stay still,
he came at last

Distraction never came so easy
from his eyes, lips, telling me
what’s enough to hide away fantasy
beneath the creases of his worried gaze
I tell you, take it away
pull apart the cobwebs,
new once before, once more
----

soft heartbeat
hand upon chest
it hammers against sides
it shudders on the inside
----

Innocence apparent
hidden smiles and awkward face
waiting to keep
what is a secret,
still and deep
beneath the crevasse
of a glowing screen
an impending menace
of how I may now seem

What Love Can Be

I know not everyone will ever understand it. Blossoming, rosy, full. Completely selfless but still slightly flawed, not without the occasional wilted flower.
I knew talking to my mom today that she didn't get it.
It's the kind of love you only hear about. That you wonder about. That you hope still exists.
I know she doesn't have that kind of love, because when I told her she thought it was stupid. Stupid because she doesn't understand. What was stupid to her was, his willingness to extinguish his own life if needed, and for nothing other than myself.
I find it strange. Because you wonder what sort of qualities it takes for him to have such a passion for me. The kind of passion that fills someone when they realize that by sacrificing their life, they are changing the world. But he is not changing the world, he is simply helping me go further.. So what creates this same passion?
I see myself in many ways. Inside, I am very strong and proud. I feel like a swift-willed goddess, like a superhero, like the model human being. On the outside I feel helpless, useless, unfriendly and disappointing.
But with him I feel the inside come out, and even though I cannot get past my anxiety and my problems, when I lead him through life and he succeeds, I feel like what I feel on the inside. Powerful, amazing, unique, beautiful, incredible, breathtaking.
I like to pretend I am sometimes, and it feels good.
But when I'm with him sometimes I feel like it's really true.
I feel like I can be that person, because for once, someone sees it.
And that feels really amazing.

Sometimes I'm afraid to let myself feel like this. Because if I feel too good about myself I'm afraid I'll be arrogant. What is the difference between feeling like a god and being arrogant? I suppose the way you act. Arrogance is selfishness, arrogance is the assumption that one cannot make mistakes and one is always right. I don't believe that even when I feel awesome. So I guess I can do it without being arrogant.

Sometimes it's kind of hard to explain. Sometimes I worry to myself if it's a terrible thing to love him even more just because he loves me this much. But love comes in different shapes and sizes, and for different reasons. I suppose the reason doesn't so much matter as the kind of love is still wonderful.

Maybe I'm afraid to take. Because I prefer to give. But I think to myself, I feel good about myself because I give a lot to him. And for that he loves me like I'm some supernatural being. So it isn't selfish to love how he makes me feel, to love him even more for how he makes me feel.

Interesting and complicated.

But again, sometimes I worry I'm too arrogant. For every accomplishment he makes I pat myself on the back in my head. Whenever he does something right I feel like I have done something right. It's like I view us as one being, one team, and like everything he does is connected to me. I feel proud of him but I also feel proud of myself. Sometimes I'm afraid this will bother him. I think I'm a strange person.. Like that time I said I was happy that I made him realize his ex was making him miserable, that I convinced him to move on from her. But then he said 'what, no you didn't, I made that decision myself' and I felt insulted and sad, because I was convinced that I was a big help in that process.
I hope nothing's wrong with me. I hope I'm not one of those people who needs to feel important in everything. I hope if I am it's not a bad thing.

I feel like if I told someone these feelings they'd think something was wrong with me, or us. I feel like they'd say something like... 'the only reason you're in this relationship is to feel good about yourself because you feel like you're making him a better person and making him succeed, you want to feel like a bigger and better person by making someone who starting out feeling like a failure feel like a great success'
But is it so wrong to feel happy when you can make someone's life better? Is it so wrong to love someone and dedicate your life to making them happy?
I feel like no matter what relationship I could have ended up in, that would be the case. I'm just that kind of person. I want to help. I would find ways to help even the average normal person. I mean, that's why I'm becoming a counselor.
I'm scared silly in a way that he'd want to leave me reading this. Because I feel like he'd feel like I'm only here to try to fix him.

When I met him he was in a bad situation. I helped him through this and this created a deep bond between him and I. He was an awesome friend to talk to and I felt very happy that I could make things better. I feel good helping people but I don't remember this feeling or bond appearing with anyone else I've ever helped. So it can't be the only reason. I felt a deep conection with him, one that I don't feel with most people. Sure I can be obsessive, I was with boys I had met before him, but it wasn't just obsession. Because although I had been obsessed with other people, I knew that they were very different from me, I knew that they didn't completely understand me. But when I talked to him, I felt like he was absorbing every word. Like everything I said was important to him and interesting. I felt very good about myself whenever I talked to him.

Maybe it's like Amelie. A wild game of hide and go seek. A helping hand offered, shyly, hoping to be accepted. A passion turned into love. Because she loved him only after helping him, daydreaming his reaction.
Interesting, strange. I'm not very normal.

He's totally going to think I'm just some stupid kid in love, now. But he just said he loves who I am, and would never want me to change. I just hope he loves this too.

I feel like I am the reason you got the job and the reason you tried to get it. I feel like I will be the reason you choose to follow your dreams.
Arrogant?

But maybe, I just know that I would die if it had been anyone else, or any other reason. I want to be the reason. Because I love you so much.

I'm Getting Married

Well hello there. I'm getting married.
Weston and I finally set a date.

August 15, 2009.

I am very happy and excited.

Pardon the lack of commentary, I'm sick right now so I can't think of much. But we're having a lot of fun talking about it.
Curently my mom is on vacation so she doesn't get home until tomorrow night. I called her to tell her. I can't wait to talk to her about it in person.
My dad seems okay with it, but a bit nervous. But he's the same one who protested us falling asleep together in the same room or bed. So it makes sense.

We got some good advice from a friend of his family-- Don't care what anyone thinks. At the end of the day, all it is is you and the other person. Don't let family interject into your relationship. And expect people to get highly opinionated near the date of the wedding. Don't let it discourage you.

I look forward to it, very very much. It makes me want the year to go by faster.

Darling..;

Will you know better than to fear me when there's nothing to fear? Will I be the as expected drifter or you the driftee? How easily happens the unintentional. Little things bother, and sting. Confusion at best.
I only want to be involved in every inch. I only want to be so close to you that I can see through your eyes. I want to become and inhabit you. I want to be that close.

I want to like spicy food, I want to be a cook, I want to be a Disney fanatic, I want to play WoW, I want to impulsively think of naked people, I want to love horror, I want to have retarded friends who call me, I want to not go to dentists, I want to like furry, I want to be depressed, I want to not go to school. I want to be you. I want to know everything. I want to have every memory you have and know exactly how you feel. I want to see every single thing you see, to see every single picture you save and to know how you feel about it.

So why put up a fence?

I'm not afraid of it. Even if I dislike it, I want it.

You don't get me, but it's okay, because if I saw someone like me I wouldn't get them either.. (?)

I want it passionately. But it's not something you're willing to share. It's personal, I know, it's weird, I know. But that's okay.

I feel pushed away, but again I understand.
Something like that is far too overwhelming. And I'm not being understanding, because it's something I feel strongly about.