Well well well... What do we have here..
An angst muffin you say?
I stole Mayre's term. Where the hell did you come up with angst muffin Mayre? And is it one word or two?
Anyways, I'm being an angst muffin. Under my definition, I'm being full of angst and for no specific reason that I know of. Or for a reason that doesn't have very much relevance, yet I'm still angstin'.
Angst angst angst anngst.
*waves arms around in a mad panic as seen in anime and manga as a cloud of dust and lines and circles to show the motion of hands*
Ahhh~!!!!
AHHHH! WAHHH!
Oh wait a second. So that last time when I was PMSing.. Wasn't really PMSing..? Oh great. Well well, I'm late, so therefore this is probably PMS. Whoo, it's my new angst excuse. Ah hell if I know what's really PMS. I just guess when I get really angsty for no reason that it could be it.
Wess Wess Wess.. *says in Lum's voice*- "Daaaaaarliiing!"
I just watched the second Urusai Yatsura movie. Pardon if that's spelled wrong.
Ataru is such a bastard, jeezus. Poor Lum.
Makes me appreciate for once not chasing stubbornly after someone who is like 'nuuuuuuu~!' when it comes to love. *exasperated sigh*
Well well, third guy, I guess it's not so bad. Technically Wess is my first boyfriend, and technically I've never dated in my life. Untechnically I've gotten so close to two guys that I really wanted to be their girlfriend but they said 'uh... I don't know.. I have to think about it'... AKA, no. -__-
Well, I'm glad I didn't end up with either of them.. Because thinking about it now, that would have sucked ass.
You wonder, after two miserable failed long-distance- online even, relationships, I'd know not to start another one. Nope nope. So you wonder if I'm being really dumb by doing it again. It's hard to say. I'll find out soon whether this is hopeful or hopeless.
It's so ironic..... After the first.. or was it second..? I said to myself "oh god, I'm never meeting guys on the internet again. It was nice but ended up a disaster" >__>;
Well if this succeeds, then joy for my rebellion.
The thing is, this is a hell of a lot less forced. I was stupid before, pushing it too much. Course they were so extremely and sickeningly vague, and for that reason I had no 'no, I will never be with you' to work off. All I knew is 'maybe after some time he could say yes' sort of thing. With Wess, I asked him and he said "yes." That was it. Kaboom, winner. We were already close.. Was helping him with all his issues and being the shoulder to cry on, that sort of thing. I never did mind. If I can help someone, I sure will.. I like to, never find anyone who I can really help.
He has trouble trusting people, terrible trust issues, yet he trusted me.. I found that interesting. He would show me anything personal so I could give him advice and help.. He would trust me with a lot of things that could be misused or spread around..
I'm surprised he said yes so quick though. Just after he had been hurt too.. Strange how he's so willing to fall into it. Wasn't desperation though, because he asked me worriedly if I was asking it under influence of losing someone close (we both had)..
Ah ah.. I'll quit rambling.
--
I think I'm having jitters about Wess visiting. Not so much him visiting, but the chance that something will get in the way! I'm dying to see him. Just dying to. I'm afraid that something will stop it from happening. ... ugh deja vu. Him (another him) earning money, I wonder if he really did? Because he really had no intention of really coming to see me.
I know Wess does though... Just whether he can succeed in it or not, I don't know.
I talked to him on the phone a bit absentmindedly. He said not to worry about it, just be excited for the chance of it happening and don't think about it not. My only fear is disappointment. I'd rather see him and it be awkward as hell then to not see him at all.. I really want to meet him. I want a dream of mine to become real.
Meeting in the airport. I've thought about this for how many years now? My image of who I was to meet was vague but I knew I wanted to. I wanted to run up and hug the person who's been missing from my life so long.
Wonder why.. As a kid and preteen I kinda daydreamed about my 'true love' popping out of nowhere and telling of his love of me *laughing* that's so cheesy to picture, but of course I daydreamed that.
Did you know I read my entire preteen journal to Wess over the phone? It was the most horrifyingly hilarious thing ever. We were both cracking up because I was so cheesy it was both sad and funny. I remember writing it so it scares me, because it's so.. so.. ..... bad. So bad so cliche soo horrible. Me giggling like a little teenager. "Hehehhehe George.. (guy from a book). Hehehee, he's so hawt. Hehehe, boys. Heehehe." ... That's my journal basically.
I even copied down kissing scenes from books I liked because I was so pathetically romantic and obsessed. .....But honestly, I'm still that way. Which is sad. What was more funny is that about four or five crushes are written in there... And they're about.. three pages apart. It says "He's so cute, I want to talk to him" then three pages later "I hate him, he's a loser" Makes me laugh now.
Anyway, since I was young I've wanted some cute guy to burst through my door, go "I love you with all my heart Tanya, I've been watching you everyday from a distance secretly falling for you and -blah blah blah" and then kissing me or something.
So I guess that's why the daydream I've gotten through long-distance relationships is so strong in my head...
Okay, comparison.. Daydream was of some stranger to fall for me and 'sweep me off my feet' like in the fairytale books and say that he loves me blah blah blah..
Well well.. Wess is technically a stranger, in a way. Yet he loves me with all his heart. And when we meet, we will meet in such a sudden and dramatic way. (*cracks up to self*) And and.. Sorry I can just see it like a dramatic movie in my head. (*laughs more*)
Draamaaaa~
I shall simulate our dramatic meeting in 20x cheesiness (or so). Very briefly and very roughly.
Tanya stands in the crowd of people in the airport, with a cheesy nervous look on her face. She wrings her hands wordlessly, staring at the crowd. As the crowd thins, she gets an anxious look on her face, looking back and forth for her love. She stares at the door, still waiting for her dear Wess to come out.. But sees no one. She sighs, her head bowing and eyes staring down at the floor, disappointed and sad. She clutches to her bag with both hands, and then swiftly turns on her heel and slowly starts walking off, a single tear trailing from her eyes.
Lost in thought she doesn't see the large figure in a black trenchcoat step away from the crowd to sift slowly towards her and then behind her.
She feels a hand on her shoulder; her eyes go wide in surprise and she jerks around, staring, afraid, at the looming figure now in front of her.
The figure, a young man, places his other hand gently on her shoulder. She stares at him still, and she sees a large grin beneath his messy black hair that hangs to his shoulders, and his eyes shine beneath his black-rimmed glasses.
"Hey GI Jane, guess who?"
She laughs in surprise and relief as she hears a most familiar and comforting voice.
"Wess.. Jeezus, you scared the shit out of me"
"Well, I'll make it up to you" Wess says, raising his eyebrows, his grin widening. He pulls Tanya into a hug.
"Bear hug!" Tanya exclaims quietly, giggling under her breath. "I've been waiting to feel one of those" He laughs
Silliness subsiding, Wess holds her for a long time, slowly swaying them from side to side, like slowdancing in the middle of an airport. She smiles big, burying her face into his chest, swaying with him. And then~~ *romance romance romance*
/end of story
There we are, cheesy cheesy. Second half seemed a bit more realistic, considering that's more of how we talk.
What's really funny is he has a trenchcoat.. and he's super looming. At least from what I imagine. I mean he's 6 foot somethin'. And he has long-ish black hair <3 Oh yes.
Anyway, that's the cheesy daydream I have, minus a tiny bit of cheesiness and plus more romance. Hoho.
30 days till we meet.
Anyway, I think I was an angstmuffin because I was worrying more than enjoying the thought. And also Wess will be gone two or three days because he's going back to SC to move with his family to CA. He's in New York now. Basically he was on his own for about a month or so and then his family came to visit, help him pack, and is bringing him to SC to pack up there and move to a place in Cali. Yeaah. Like moving twice in a way. But he was just staying in an apartment in NY with some relatives for a bit.
Three days without Wess is making me go "Oh my god! Ahhhh!" because I'm thaat attached. He said to me on the phone "You'll live" and I said "No I won't!" he says "you did last time" and I say "SO??"
Haha.
Still makes me smile to know he always wears my locket I gave him.
Anyways, yeah, I obviously needed to ramble out some thoughts. There ya go. Bye bye.
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