Mmph..

Sick headache. Sick to stomach sick sick to my cold hands and my lip beneath my teeth, almost flushed face and a glued facial expression I can't seem to wipe off.
I'm not a good friend. I'm not good at these things. I don't know when to keep my mouth shut, I really don't.

I've had my mouth shut all my life- maybe that's why I always can't keep my feelings to myself, when I have the chance to express them. I can't stay quiet in my mind, my fingers move before what I know is right, and it comes easier when not from your own mouth.

It's the only thing I really hate about myself. When I manage to selfishly stubbornly push it all too far, and once I realize it, my insides turn to ice, my heart in my throat, my moral screams 'you bitch' and I feel like an asshole for many more days, and feel like I ruined everything.

Heelp me to the only person online. Though I fake it with just normal conversation.
Talk to me and don't let me upset you. Please please tell me I won't upset you.

Course receiving no response, is just dandy.
Simple words and I sit and wait and wish someone would talk to me without me doing something wrong.

Them going idle just as I speak to them - even more dandy.


I'll go curl up and die now because I feel terrible. Why can't I grow up?? Why can't I learn, why can't I be normal? Why couldn't I have learned from the few friends I spoke to and the few times when I knew how it felt?

God I've said this all before. It's saddening.
I remember these exact words.

the whole..
Why can't I shut up shut up shut up? Why can't I stop? Why can't I keep my feelings to myself? Why do I keep hurting people? Why can't I stop? Why can't I just keep my god damned mouth shut? DO I ever do anything but harm? Can I do anything but hurt people? I'm just a shitty burden and I can't believe me. I keep.. On.. Fucking.. Screwing it all up. Why is it when the only thing I want in the world is to be wanted and make people happy, I make people sad and make people hate me? Why can't I be a better friend? Why do I have to be so stupid? Why do I?? Why can't I learn from these times? Why do I so badly always want to know? Why can't I just not wonder?

Remembering that makes me feel worse. Mmph mmph mmph.
Bite my tongue and shut up shut shut up. God I wish I could.

I wish you knew, always, why.
Wish you could just read my mind and know why. And please, please please please not take me seriously. Stop listening to me... Please.

Just shake me by the shoulders and tell me.. Tell me something I can understand. Understand I'm a stupid child inside who wonders naively everything and she won't stop asking why why why and please don't take it like I know how to be anything but a little kid. Tell me WHY. Why. Why won't you tell me.
Because I don't know, don't understand.
I'm given it too much, too much!
'I don't want to tell you' 'I can't tell you'

Saved by the online person coming back. I laugh at the simplicity of my emotions and how how.. Just.. I don't even know. How easy I am to save yet how hard it is to find someone who does. Or how easy it would be to cheer up, yet I don't.


God I feel like such such such an asshole and such an idiot. I hate it~

The only thing I can't do in life, the only thing I can't do, the one thing I really can't forgive myself for- hurting people I care about. It makes me die inside and makes me hate my head my heart and all about me.

Please ignore this..
Just another night with something I regret.

I'll.. get.. over it.
But right now I need to curl up in a corner and die for all I'm worth.



I'm not like you guys. These things really really bother me. I can't just shrug and say, I make mistakes. I can't say I'll learn, because I FUCKING never have never do.

Argh again I just want to rot away so I'll stop bothering people. My blood tingles in my veins and eyes sting warm.

sane side says, god, why do I have to worry my friends like this.

See, I'm just afraid to hurt people. Afraid to say anything, because I'm going to hurt someone.

These times, I feel like all I can do is bad, and suddenly everything good I ever did just fades away and is so weighed out by the bad I do, I feel I'm undeserving, I feel I shouldn't have anything.

God I used to do this all the time. I'll shut up now. Gotta learn how to do that.