Changes

Ok, sorry, I lied. Yesterday I didn't write. But I really wanted to. I had an uneventful day, didn't I? I can't even remember. How strange. I just remember I slept in late. And had a better day. I did all the dishes finally. It took forever.
Today was an even nicer in some ways. Although I have growing anxiety as the evening wears on. It's already 1 am nearly. And I do need to study for Japanese. Kanji quiz.
Today I talked to a friend I've been sort of avoiding the past few weeks. The one who spurred the whole 'avoid people' thing. I felt kind of relieved when she wished me a happy birthday, even though she got confused and thought my birthday was on V-day. That was kind of funny. I was worried that she didn't care enough to try to apologize or something. I saw her today, I feel better and better about it.
I'm happy to see her, because despite her problems she is always so nice.
And I feel good being able to legitimately make someone feel better, or be helpful. She got me a birthday present, which was thoughtful. And I like it, which is better yet. Kind.
I think she's the only one I really feel rather comfortable with most of the time. So I'm glad to know her. I always wanted to be friends with her, so I'm glad I know her better now.
My stomach hurts.
I'm really excited but now I feel really nervous. I wish I could be excited about something without an impeding sense of doom. I think the anticipation is too much. For my birthday and about her. Because I'm worried about what will happen with her, on Sunday. Will she change her mind, or follow my advice and what she wants? I hope for her sake that she does it, and I hope that is the right thing for her. I think once it happens, she can't go back, so I hope it's the right choice. I know it would be for anyone, but I can't know for sure how it will change her life. I really am confident that it is the right thing, but I just hope it doesn't go terribly. Because it could, when you have so many people who are convinced what she is leaving is the right thing. But they seem too cowardly to be direct. After all, they haven't admitted to her face the things they talk about behind her back. So it'd probably be the same if she left.

I feel rather excited for my birthday tomorrow. 21st. Not most for tomorrow, but for Thursday and Saturday. Since I was in my preteens-teens I've wanted to be able to go to these places. Vogue and Neighbors, to be specific. I love to dance. I haven't gotten to dance since middle school. I don't think I actually ever went to a high school dance. Or did I? I don't even remember. If anything only freshman year. I think there was one. It's the only social thing I can stand to do, that I feel passion when doing. I'm hoping that these places stay a long time, this will only be the first time I can finally go. Apparently you can dress up. And people aren't weird about it. And you can dance, no matter how bad you are at dancing.. and no one will stare. Oh that sounds heavenly. And I get to go with my husband, so even if it ended up being uncomfortable, I would have someone to be around. My mom is taking us.

I'm really tired for some reason. I don't wanna study.

My husband is making me a cake tonight. And my mom bought me my choice of Ben and Jerry icecream. I chose peanut butter cup flavor.
This feels kind of... Ordinary today. Maybe because I don't have anything to whine about today? Well, besides the 'partment being a mess. Oh, I need to choose what to wear for Vogue and Neighbors. That's so exciting. I can dress up and have a ball.

Venusian finds Venus? A place to be comfortable, perhaps? I hope I'm not disappointed. But in the end, no matter how terrible the music was, how mean my peers were, or if no one danced... I had the time of my life at the school dances. So I think a legitimate place to dance with people who want to dance.. will be nice.

I'm going to see if I can order alcohol at the restaurant. How fun. Inconvenient is, your ID card expires on your 21st birthday. But I can't get a new one on the holiday, so what can I do? It does have 'turns 21 on---' date on it, so I think that will count, right? That doesn't change even when I update it, so it should be legitimate.

Oh, I'm really scared because, I can't find my charm bracelet. When I went through that fucking shit ass time because of those assholes...
OH wait, that reminds me. I have a comeback for sexual harassment now. At least, something to say as opposed to a deer-in-the-headlights look. "I'm sure you say that to your blowup doll too" or "I'm sure women find you attractive when you act like a RAPIST". (loudly)
That will be nice.

Anyway, when I went through that shit time... I had to pack all my belongings so quickly. I had no time to short through valuables and make sure everything was there. All I could do is make sure nothing was left in that hellhole.
So I don't know where it is. It could be lost. It could be shoved in a box. It's not in my lockbox or anywhere I've looked.
That thing is worth a lot. In memories and money. I've made a point to only add 14k gold charms on there. Because it makes it more of a treat to add one. And it is pretty. So I'm scared about that. I want to find it so I can get it off my mind.

Wess(hussband) just made me take a shot with him for my 21st birthday. Ouch. At least he's not going to like, punch me 21 times, like the.. manly way.
Alcohol makes me feel like I have to pee. Anyone share that sentiment? Oh that's a really annoying feeling. Also it makes my chest kind of hurt. Or maybe just my lower throat. But I guess, well, it is vodka.

Oh how nice, my period ending in time for my birthday.

Speaking of things you don't want to know about, did you know that I'm a huge part of the anti-bra 'movement'?
I hate bras. They are nice for the unfortunate accidental see-through shirt, but otherwise worthless devices from the evil Victorian age.
Breast cancer. Boobs. Bras. See a connection?
Do a little research, it will prove interesting. But I can't promise I'm actually right. I don't really know if the research proves it well enough. But it's something to ponder about. Either way, boobs sag with and without bras. And bras actually enhance back problems for the busty, well, it moves it to the shoulders and causes major posture problems, because it's unnatural for the weight to be held by the shoulders. I definitely condone bras while jogging, because that's downright painful. But otherwise, burn them!

I would love my nipples to not have a social stigma.
Especially when there are clothes over them. Do I really need to wear more to hide the fact that they exist? Sigh. Unless my clothes are see-through. That's bad.

I would love to get 'wasted' with my husband sometime, if I can experience one moment without stifling anxiety and unhappiness, that would be grand. I would never rely on it, but I really want to at least experience it once. I don't intend on dealing with my problems via alcohol or any prescribed medications. Therapy, because that would be the only permanent fix that would eventually be free. Because I would stop needing help eventually, I hope.

The cake is in the oven. I will have to thank his friend (I avoid names just in case, even when I know them). I will have to thank his friend because it's sweet that he went through the trouble to help me find a cake. And I will have to have him thank his grandma, I stole the recipe. Well, Wess did. He even scanned it, how nice. And asked for a translation of the granny-cursive.
I forgot to buy strawberries to put on the cake, but I think the recipe will be good. I hope it's not too rich. But maybe that 'dairy free whipped topping' will help. Haha. I don't usually use that stuff. We shall see how it turns out. I bought cute candles. I think 21 is a big deal. So I intend to celebrate it nicely.

I think my mom bought me a tennis racket for my birthday. How exciting. And my mother in law is so kind. I can't believe she wanted to spend that much money on me.

Today, my birthday, tanjoubi, I will try to forget about worrying about how we're poor and can't afford rent. It's enjoyable celebrating like normal, with my mom buying cake ingredients. Even more fun because it doesn't have to be a surprise, we can choose my cake together.
My dad is bringing us to a place with nostalgia. When I was engaged, my teacher recommended a seminar by a famous marriage psychologist. He was having a talk about successful marriages. So my dad brought me all the way there to drop me off, and we ate beforehand at the best Thai restaurant I've ever been to. The food looked so boring, but then everything you taste there is absolutely glorious. So I was bugging him to go again, and apparently he planned to bring me today. So nice.

I watched a documentary called Wheedle's Groove a few days ago. It was inspiring. It gave me a lot of pride for where I live. And it made me crave dancing even more. I wish there would be a revival of soul music and everything else old like that. I need to go to a disco or a soul night or a 50's big band dance. Heart aflutter for you.

At 3pm 'today' we'll be going out.
I love the number 21.
I listened to the voice message on post secret, the one from the dead grandma. It said 'happy 21st birthday'. That kind of freaked me out, because I didn't really read what it was, and it didn't say which birthday year it was from, so it was a strange coincidence. Kind of sweet, someone also wishing me a happy birthday from the other world.

I love me. I love me. I love me.
I just can't stand looking through my eyes. I always feel melancholy, even at the end of a happy day. Happy days end. Like a long vacation. But it is a breath of fresh air to have one, for once.
I am happy to be me even though I hate being me. So it's hard really to know how to feel. I'm sure some people feel the same as I, I just hope someone can help me. Or I can help myself.
Maybe I revel in sadness. Or fake sadness. A story isn't interesting without struggle. Maybe I can find that brightness in my life. It could make a good story, even if it's painful to walk through, sometimes. A muddy white dress. Trek through mud up to your knees, lift your skirt to wade through it, stain some. But then wash it away, with only a hint left behind. But another muddy day to come. But it makes an interesting picture. A pretty picture.

I've been watching Madoka and Darker than Black (anime). I revel that darkness myself. Is it weird for some people to love sad stories? Sometimes. I didn't like Illusionist, after all. That was too much of reality for me. (the animated feature)

I kind of fantasize my husband going with me this birthday cross-dressed. Too bad. I wish I had the willpower to exercise. I can't even get myself to for 5 minutes a day. I think something's wrong with me, there. That doesn't make sense. Also, I eat sweets all day if I can, and eat a lot. So I'm not a very good example. I hope he can lose weight and I can get stronger. I'd love to be able to beat the shit out of someone who harasses me, or to at least know I have the power to. Just in case, so I don't have to feel nervous alone. That would be a thing of pride for me. I guess I need to learn to work hard. I don't feel like I can stand working hard on anything. I lose energy so quickly. If he lost weight, he would be able to fit into girl clothes and go out rather cute. Even in a girl's top he'd be pretty cute. I bought him some, XL size I think. Just one size down, come on, we can do it.

He'd look really cute in casual girl stuff. It'd be nice to have someone in this 'open minded' city doing something about the terrible gender boundaries. It would be nice to have a man wearing girl's clothing without looking like a sex-item. Just, casual.
Apparently, Japanese fashion is feminine. For men also.
I downloaded manga art scans from Lovely Complex (the thing the picture is from), and Otani is wearing adorable gloves and striped scarves and cute colorful things. I would love it in our culture. I would love if men were a bit more interesting, frankly.

I'm glad my husband is interesting.

I would feel more comfortable if I was like Mary Poppins and could just request everything to put itself away. Because then I could finally bring my belongings over here from my parents' house. I realized that my favorite collage scissors were still over there, and brought them back finally. It made me realize, I have so much I still haven't brought back home.
I finally put up our shelf yesterday. We didn't have nails to put anything up.

Fuck them for making us move so quickly. After the temperamental lies. Three months to move my fucking ass. I wouldn't have agreed to do it if I knew that was a conditional statement. I told you clearly, I want time to move in case ANYTHING GOES WRONG. That includes us deciding the situation not being right for us. And you said ok. So fuck you once again. There's only one person I will never forgive, now. I'm glad it's not one of my friends.

Last time we put up that shelf, he used... screws. And that was foolish. If I had known, I wouldn't have helped him put his fragile collectibles up. Stomp stomp from upstairs, and then crash, one of the screws comes out and all of his porcelain figures, all 12 or so, slide off of the shelf and shatter to pieces. Just minutes after we put them there.
That was a horrible moment.
I'm so glad I learned from my moving experience to California (which broke my favorite belongings), that nothing is not worth salvaging. I glued those little bastards back together, including every microscopic piece I could find. And they look great again, even though some were obliterated. We didn't have to even look for one replacement. I'm really happy I could save him from that awful moment. It feels so good to be able to make something better. I'm proud of that.

I feel like kissing something, better grab Wess.

I feel indecisive about how I'm feeling. I think that happens when I'm tired.

Hm. I think I actually ran out of my thoughts. I feel like laying down on my keyboard. But that might mess this up.
It might be fun to do Jane Fonda's exercise tape.
And eat rice cakes with peanut butter. Not cool rice cakes, the dry kind. It'd be fun to know how to make mild asian snacks. And maybe try that new cereal we bought.