Yesterday, I went to the DMV to get my ID for my age 21ness.
It was really funny, because after the three hours I had my photo taken, and it turned out really nice. The DMV lady said she could tell I was 'an angel'. She says she sees a lot of people and how they act and she repeated at least 3 times that she was certain I was an angel (in context of personality).
I kind of liked that, because I don't hear anyone say anything like that, so if people do find me to be a kind person, I frankly have no idea. My thoughts lead people to thinking I'm a mean or blunt or crass person, which I am inside sometimes but I would never hurt someone with it. So it's nice to see that it's at least noticeable that I wish to be kind, and overall probably am. Because I'm kind because I wish more people were, and also for the benefit of others. And because I legitimately care about how people feel, even to a neurotic extent.
Today I was cutting thick paper, a delicate design from a greeting card, and a small triangle piece snapped off and ricocheted into my eye. Terrifying. I was scared it stabbed it. Wess was there for an emergency paper-in-eye retrieval, thankfully. I'm not an injury prone person so that scared me. The first time I burned my finger months back was completely traumatizing.
I'm touched today. I feel like I'm a faker when I tell people I have social anxiety disorder. Because they act like I'm overstating. And because it's so normal for me. Also, I don't have panic attacks, which is a lucky break. Anxiety feels like it's just like breathing. I have this etiquette that feels like any normal human would have. Guilt that is not very normal, but the feeling of this anxiety is not even describable anymore. I don't know which parts are normal and abnormal.
So when I read about social anxiety disorder, my heart jumps. Because I'm amazed. That's me!
From wikipedia, the best at summarizing, my heart jumped!:
In cognitive models of social anxiety disorder, social phobics experience dread over how they will be presented to others. They may be overly self-conscious, pay high self-attention after the activity, or have high performance standards for themselves. According to the social psychology theory of self-presentation, a sufferer attempts to create a well-mannered impression on others but believes he or she is unable to do so. Many times, prior to the potentially anxiety-provoking social situation, sufferers may deliberately go over what could go wrong and how to deal with each unexpected case. After the event, they may have the perception they performed unsatisfactorily. Consequently, they will review anything that may have possibly been abnormal or embarrassing. These thoughts do not just terminate soon after the encounter, but may extend for weeks or longer.[8] Those with social phobia tend to interpret neutral or ambiguous conversations with a negative outlook and many studies suggest that socially anxious individuals remember more negative memories than those less distressed.
Every single sentence. Every single sentence.
I stress out for weeks. It never ends. I trip a little in front of someone.. For most that memory stays a day, for me, it lasts years. It never stops.
If I feel like I've hurt or offended someone, the guilt never leaves.
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