What Comes

I don't really talk to anyone right now.
Another friend hurt me. I gain one back, I lose another.
Hey Renan, what happened to you, I wonder? It was nice having a reader, I do admit. Weird but nice.
But I didn't lose my friend because they hurt me. They hurt him. She hurt him. All my friend seem to want to destroy my husband. I can't figure out why. They seem to think he deserves it.
Pervert. Shit bag. That's what she said.
I hate everyone because no one is open minded. No one can get their head out of their ass long enough to be spoken to openly.
I have no secrets. The only secrets I have are ones that would get me arrested. But I still think of myself as the most morally pure person I know. So any laws I have broken are ones that everyone else has at least once. And things that I don't take seriously as law. So I can't really say I don't have secrets. But they aren't really secrets.
No, I don't do drugs. I may have broken a few age-related laws. But only by 3 months. And I did another thing that is only illegal in the state I'm not living in. So it doesn't really count.
I only download music illegally if my parents own the CD, but I'm not willing to dig it up for the one song I like. So I don't think that's stealing. Because I already own it.
So even with those 'secrets' I don't feel like they're much of secrets. Someone could tell me that and I wouldn't bat an eye. A police officer might, but it's hardly a secret in the scheme of secrets.
So I guess that's what I mean when I say I have no secrets.

Happy Valentine's day today. Honestly I feel just as lonely right now as you. And helpless.

I'm turning 21 in 7 days. I feel kind of sad that I won't get the normal barrage of birthday wishes. Because 21 is a big deal. But I don't want anything to do with anyone. Because everyone I care about has shown they have a shit face.
My mom is the only one I can trust to not show me a shit face. Who won't decide she doesn't like me the way I am. The opposite, I'm exactly who she wanted me to be. That's strange. It's fortunate. It's nice being yourself and someone completely liking it.
So I'm celebrating my birthday with her. And my husband. I feel kind of depressed about it now. Because of what happened, yesterday. I never know if he will really mean it someday. If he really will divorce me.
He says he won't but the fact that the thought is the first thing that comes to him.... Even if it isn't my fault he might. Even if nothing is even really wrong.
Which is helpless feeling.

I want to know my little brother better, I think. I feel worried for him and his judgment of how life works, frankly. But I have a feeling he's even more accepting than I think. I could cry in front of him without being embarrassed. I only did that once but I found out.
-

I dreamt last night that I was at a studio for makeup. Indoor studio of artists who do transformations. You bring in a picture and they make you look like it.
I had brought in a picture of a woman with black thick almost-long hair and a blue face that looked like stars. A woman sat me down and started working on it. When I looked in the mirror my face was a pasty blue, in progress. The woman went away and I had to go somewhere. When I came back, I didn't know her name or how to locate her. I tried to describe her but failed. I remembered that she had the copy of the picture, and I couldn't get it back. I could try to explain it to another artist. I tried to pick another one that had a great reputation. But I could not go on without the picture.

This reminds me of how I need to realize, in this world I do not belong. I am an alien to these customs. I am venusian. In my world you have to be polite. You have to kindly ignore those who dress outlandishly. Respect from afar. It's rude to comment. Or to overshoot and give too much attention.
In my world, I can paint my face blue. I can paint it blue and have stars and go out on a normal day, for no occasion. I could paint it like a doll with stitches, or like a silver moon.
How it hurts to not be myself.