New Self, negative?

I've been finding myself in a bit of a bind in my life. Oh I'm actually more tired than I thought, so this'll be a bunch of nonsense.
Throughout life there are always tense moments and frustration. There's a lot of sadness and confusion, despair, sometimes unnecessary overall. But I feel an onset of a new type of feeling that almost bothers me more. A constant feeling of unfulfillable, that is extremely disappointing and disheartening. And a growing anxiety for every moment of life. Maybe now that I don't have finding love everlasting to keep myself occupied, I am thinking about the voids in my life that are expected of me or needed to make me feel happy. And the more I think about them the more I panic about life.
Overwhelming. There isn't enough time, there isn't enough time. Constantly in my head. They say to treasure every moment. I feel immense guilt for when I don't. And then I wonder, why? There isn't a huge goal to life. It's mostly just surviving for yourself. Yet I feel immense guilt every moment I don't work towards one of my goals. Even if it doesn't really matter if I do it immediately. Life moves fast. Right now I work from home, so I'm terrified of when real-real life hits and I won't even have time to breathe. I don't know how I won't go crazy so in these days I'm desperate to do the things that need to be done and fast so I can enjoy it. But there's always something left to do, so I can't enjoy it at all. I keep thinking, summer, is my only opportunity. My only chance to get these things done. And then I don't do anything. Mostly petrified by anxiety.
Too afraid to fail before I try.

I feel like a kid clinging to their summer break, except instead of just being summer break, it's my life.
It keeps me from sleeping. Every hour I sleep is an hour of consciousness wasted.

I'm scared because the energy is never positive. It's belittling, self-mutilating. And it's turning me into a bitter person.

I worry about my marriage, and myself. I worry because the divine happiness is melting away into my extreme obsessiveness.
I wash my hands often, and can't stop thinking about my hands being dirty every time I touch the dishes or the rats or something dusty. I can't kiss my husband because I freak out about his breath or his lips being too wet or my face being greasy.
When my heart would beat normally, when I would see through different eyes, it was the biggest privilege and a magical experience.
But now, I'm twitching in my restlessness of things needing to be done. And everything being imperfect in situation to allow for a kiss.

I worry about my clothes being dirty and feel like I need to shower if I perspire at all.
I think it connects to my anxiety and worrying if I smell in public. If I do, doooom. Mental panic. So I never do.

My guilt and obsession with time causes me to be mean and grumpy. I'm so prone to criticism it frightens me. I am really jumpy and whine a lot around my husband. I don't like this and wish I could be better. My mom catches me a lot of criticism, and it embarrasses me. But I don't know if she's just over aware or if I'm being weird.
Today, I said, "We're not going to the survey, because Wess is lazy"
I tend to say negative things like this a lot. But I feel I say it because it's the honest thing. But maybe it's bad that I actually view it in that way. He felt lazy and didn't want to call on the phone, so we missed the deadline. Yet I say the short term, more demeaning.

My conversational anxiety is diminishing, my whole family has noticed. Yet my situational anxiety has increased tenfold. I don't know how to laugh any more, how to relax, or how to have fun in public..... I used to a little. I don't have fun, it is beyond me. If I have fun, I feel guilt for the time used. Because lately I don't get much done and do a lot of lazing around.
Playing a whole video game from start to finish used to be a total joy, but now it feels like it pains me. That many hours..

I hate that.

Can anyone help me?

A Gap of Silence

I note that there is now a huge gap of silence of about two years. This is really sad to me because it means I've neglected my writing for that long. How could I? Even with so much work I would think my desire for it would be strong enouh. Bu I suppose that place drained me of inspiration. Hey fuck typos I'll fix them later. This teeny keyboard sucks. My heart is a void without my writing. How could I let the voices convince me that my writing was too unpolished, virtually worthless, and too selfcentered to ever inspire? Why have I let myself give a shit about it? I love my life through my eyes and my eyes only. No one else would ever do I quite like I could. My breath, my eyes, my memory (this is a plagarized reference, it fit too well). I miss you soul. I miss you voice. Speak again hands, sing again my mind. Killed. I miss no one mattering but my heart. You've stolen these things from me, eyes. I fought through you once, cruel judgement. So can I fight pastbyour typical standards for my voice as I fought through your fucking typical expectations of my marriage? I will not fall like your expectation. I will not fail just because you would never have my soul and heart to succeed. That is why, I can be the only one to speak for me.

But after I cry inside a little about it, I will try to forget, until she can forgive. Or forget until it stops hurting. And accept when she decides she never will. And then mourn the loss over that friend I had that was so kind and wonderful, who somehow changed. Or try not to mourn at all, in hopes that she will come back.
All my life I didn't have anyone else who cared about my life.
How could she? Why would she decide that I am bad for her life?

So from now on, until I have to mourn something else, I will try to move back to the immense happiness I have been given and fate has lead me to this month. A chance to make more of my dreams come true. Please don't let my friend's cruelty ruin that for me. I feel like it could if I was reminded each day.

So I will stop thinking about it until I have to. I won't ever forget but I must leave her to decide on her own. But I wanted to say one more thing... Maybe before the end, before a longer time goes by, I will. And after that I must let go.

So help me enjoy what fate has given me despite what fate has taken away.

Ending

I dislike how when happy things happen there are always sad things to ruin the fun. For instance..

The brand new pirate flag I bought him yesterday suddenly has a black stain on the skull. That won't wash out. Don't know where it came from. That was a surprise gift for Wess.
And then a collectible pin you can only get working at Disneyland fell off my purse. I can't find it.

And of course... my former best friend just cussed out my husband online. And made it clear that she never, ever, will care about me again. Over one argument! I have been friends with her for 8 years. I don't know what kind of monster she has become. She expected me to argue with her for 4 days on my vacation. And ended the friendship when I refused to answer her message until the next day, because I was having a fight.
Selfish.
He has the right to call you self-absorbed when you have been.

I was giving more attention to my love than my best friend. That is a reason to throw me out of your life forever.
I can't know what it could be. I'm just not the right kind of perfect for her. She has high standards now... Who does that?

You may have given me an explanation for leaving. But that doesn't make it better. Especially since that reason makes no sense.

And that day..
Weston was only trying to tell you the simple fact that I moved safely. He didn't realize your heart had turned so cold to me that you would never want to hear my name again. Because most people would not. Unless I had done something a lot more horrible than questioning your friendship or what you tell me, and losing my patience. I even apologized, as angry as I was. I will not apologize again, for anything else you seem to think I have done. Because one apology is enough. If you were ever my friend, you owe me an apology for hurting me so badly. By never speaking to me again. I would never do that to you, because I care enough about you to want to be your friend still despite how you have treated me. Not badly but not well. But like a "brick wall". Calling you a brick wall is abusive. It's a name, a label. I don't know what complex you have. I don't know how you became this way. I wish I could help or at least stay, but you have pushed me away.

You could have decided to slowly let go of me. Distance away. And when I emailed, just someday never respond. If you really just didn't want to be my friend anymore to begin with. If you hated my distance, my shyness. But why do it that way?

I don't know who she is anymore. She was probably the one who asked how I can orbit my whole life around one person and think it's ok. Or for all I know the one who ripped my letters off of my lockers, or created a page to harass me and tell me how stupid I looked and how no one likes me and I am alone. I don't know who she is anymore. I don't want to think she has turned into that, but what proof has been shown otherwise? Am I the one who was just too demanding for her personality?

You probably broke your birthday/xmas gift in half. The one I made specially for you. Your name. and rose. And golden girl. And the frame custom made for it. How could you think I am a terrible person? Even if you have become one I would never completely feel you are. But I don't know what to feel about this. Were you planning to do this all along? Asking me to not send a gift.
You hurt me like a bad ex. Because you were more than a temporary boyfriend or short love. You were and are still hanging onto my best friend title. Because I don't have anyone else who wants to be that close of a friend with me. Because I never sent the emails to them that I sent you. Or told them the secrets I told you.

I don't know how I'm going to get over this. Some people don't really understand. She sure doesn't. It was so easy for her to throw me away. Wasn't that how you felt about the s-girl? The one who left your seemingly perfect friendship? It hurt so bad for you but it was so easy for her. So you are the same.
And instead of throwing me away for a good reason, you threw me away for the reason she threw you away. You can never be pleased. Nothing is ever enough. Nothing is ever said right enough to fix anything.
But I would have stayed despite that. Until you felt better. Until your sickness you talk about went away.

So I don't know what to do. I don't want to ever forgive her for what she did. But I wish she would snap out of it, wake up, and realize who I am and understand. And how much I care about her, despite not being the perfect friend. I wish she would just turn back into the person I knew maybe 2 years ago...
The person I could come to about anything, and tell about my problems. The person who would not snap at the smallest word.

I wish she would wake up 3 months from now, and feel better from all that plagues her life, and realize what she did to her best friend. And despite having her reasons, why it was wrong. And forgive me. And apologize...

But I know she never will.

Trying to get Moving

Sometimes I get scared that I don't have the capability to be happy. Nah, I know I do. I'm just bummed out right now. I'm scared that I'll be like this a lot. And I don't like being depressed. I miss you.
My back hurts because I haven't left this chair for hours. I can't sleep so I was endlessly looking at yahoo answers and answering them, while also trying to download the episode of grey's anatomy that I missed. I got the episode, but the last minute of the episode is muted for some reason! So that part remains a mystery, which makes me sad. Because usually the ends have a twist. I wonder how I can find out what it is? The episode was Losing My Mind, episode 15 of season 4. I write that here so I'll remember to look if I ever have the time.
I'm having a lot of stress right now. I should be excited but I'm just anxious anxious anxious and having Wess at work doesn't help. I don't want to miss graduation but I'm so anxious about the whole rehearsal and so forth because what if I can't make it to that? Should I still go? What do I do? I want to be there for Amanda and just in case I would regret it in the future.

I feel SOOOO overwhelmed right now. And I have no moral support or 'go at it!!' cheering from Wess because he's at work. :( So I find myself lazing around all day waiting for him, being glum and not doing much of anything. I stay up all night and like now, I'm not eating when I get hungry or using the bathroom when I kind of need to. In other words I'm just really bummed out all day and night and am not getting any sleep or being productive.

I think packing and such has become one of those projects I'm afraid to start. I'm afraid to start trying to find all the stuff on the computer I want to burn onto CDs. Because I feel like it'll never be over! And I don't know what to pack and feel afraid to pack too much because my parents are paying for it.

I just don't know where to start. What to do.. And how to be happy while I do it.
I miss Wess. It's frustrating.. I'm nervous...
I need to get my ass off the computer and get ready. Just I'm having so much trouble doing that, for some reason. I think it's because I feel like I have so much I need to do here, when in reality that's hardly true. Bleh.

Today's Theme: Nostolgia

Today I looked at documents I haven't seen in more than two years. Things I wrote randomly or never finished. It's really hilarious because reading old things inspires myself. Reading things I don't remember. Maybe it's because I can look at it as if it never happened to me. So I can experience what the reader would feel reading something new.

So everything in here will be things I don't remember. Poems mostly.
----


we’re like the sea, toss and turn
we can’t see, and never learn
but still pushed forward, endless winds
moon to tide, star-studded fins
---

Spinning, sliding, lifting
our eyes are dark and glistening
at the thoughts that we share alone
the only love I’ve known
thinking through dreams, the days that passed
heart, stay still,
he came at last

Distraction never came so easy
from his eyes, lips, telling me
what’s enough to hide away fantasy
beneath the creases of his worried gaze
I tell you, take it away
pull apart the cobwebs,
new once before, once more
----

soft heartbeat
hand upon chest
it hammers against sides
it shudders on the inside
----

Innocence apparent
hidden smiles and awkward face
waiting to keep
what is a secret,
still and deep
beneath the crevasse
of a glowing screen
an impending menace
of how I may now seem

What Love Can Be

I know not everyone will ever understand it. Blossoming, rosy, full. Completely selfless but still slightly flawed, not without the occasional wilted flower.
I knew talking to my mom today that she didn't get it.
It's the kind of love you only hear about. That you wonder about. That you hope still exists.
I know she doesn't have that kind of love, because when I told her she thought it was stupid. Stupid because she doesn't understand. What was stupid to her was, his willingness to extinguish his own life if needed, and for nothing other than myself.
I find it strange. Because you wonder what sort of qualities it takes for him to have such a passion for me. The kind of passion that fills someone when they realize that by sacrificing their life, they are changing the world. But he is not changing the world, he is simply helping me go further.. So what creates this same passion?
I see myself in many ways. Inside, I am very strong and proud. I feel like a swift-willed goddess, like a superhero, like the model human being. On the outside I feel helpless, useless, unfriendly and disappointing.
But with him I feel the inside come out, and even though I cannot get past my anxiety and my problems, when I lead him through life and he succeeds, I feel like what I feel on the inside. Powerful, amazing, unique, beautiful, incredible, breathtaking.
I like to pretend I am sometimes, and it feels good.
But when I'm with him sometimes I feel like it's really true.
I feel like I can be that person, because for once, someone sees it.
And that feels really amazing.

Sometimes I'm afraid to let myself feel like this. Because if I feel too good about myself I'm afraid I'll be arrogant. What is the difference between feeling like a god and being arrogant? I suppose the way you act. Arrogance is selfishness, arrogance is the assumption that one cannot make mistakes and one is always right. I don't believe that even when I feel awesome. So I guess I can do it without being arrogant.

Sometimes it's kind of hard to explain. Sometimes I worry to myself if it's a terrible thing to love him even more just because he loves me this much. But love comes in different shapes and sizes, and for different reasons. I suppose the reason doesn't so much matter as the kind of love is still wonderful.

Maybe I'm afraid to take. Because I prefer to give. But I think to myself, I feel good about myself because I give a lot to him. And for that he loves me like I'm some supernatural being. So it isn't selfish to love how he makes me feel, to love him even more for how he makes me feel.

Interesting and complicated.

But again, sometimes I worry I'm too arrogant. For every accomplishment he makes I pat myself on the back in my head. Whenever he does something right I feel like I have done something right. It's like I view us as one being, one team, and like everything he does is connected to me. I feel proud of him but I also feel proud of myself. Sometimes I'm afraid this will bother him. I think I'm a strange person.. Like that time I said I was happy that I made him realize his ex was making him miserable, that I convinced him to move on from her. But then he said 'what, no you didn't, I made that decision myself' and I felt insulted and sad, because I was convinced that I was a big help in that process.
I hope nothing's wrong with me. I hope I'm not one of those people who needs to feel important in everything. I hope if I am it's not a bad thing.

I feel like if I told someone these feelings they'd think something was wrong with me, or us. I feel like they'd say something like... 'the only reason you're in this relationship is to feel good about yourself because you feel like you're making him a better person and making him succeed, you want to feel like a bigger and better person by making someone who starting out feeling like a failure feel like a great success'
But is it so wrong to feel happy when you can make someone's life better? Is it so wrong to love someone and dedicate your life to making them happy?
I feel like no matter what relationship I could have ended up in, that would be the case. I'm just that kind of person. I want to help. I would find ways to help even the average normal person. I mean, that's why I'm becoming a counselor.
I'm scared silly in a way that he'd want to leave me reading this. Because I feel like he'd feel like I'm only here to try to fix him.

When I met him he was in a bad situation. I helped him through this and this created a deep bond between him and I. He was an awesome friend to talk to and I felt very happy that I could make things better. I feel good helping people but I don't remember this feeling or bond appearing with anyone else I've ever helped. So it can't be the only reason. I felt a deep conection with him, one that I don't feel with most people. Sure I can be obsessive, I was with boys I had met before him, but it wasn't just obsession. Because although I had been obsessed with other people, I knew that they were very different from me, I knew that they didn't completely understand me. But when I talked to him, I felt like he was absorbing every word. Like everything I said was important to him and interesting. I felt very good about myself whenever I talked to him.

Maybe it's like Amelie. A wild game of hide and go seek. A helping hand offered, shyly, hoping to be accepted. A passion turned into love. Because she loved him only after helping him, daydreaming his reaction.
Interesting, strange. I'm not very normal.

He's totally going to think I'm just some stupid kid in love, now. But he just said he loves who I am, and would never want me to change. I just hope he loves this too.

I feel like I am the reason you got the job and the reason you tried to get it. I feel like I will be the reason you choose to follow your dreams.
Arrogant?

But maybe, I just know that I would die if it had been anyone else, or any other reason. I want to be the reason. Because I love you so much.

I'm Getting Married

Well hello there. I'm getting married.
Weston and I finally set a date.

August 15, 2009.

I am very happy and excited.

Pardon the lack of commentary, I'm sick right now so I can't think of much. But we're having a lot of fun talking about it.
Curently my mom is on vacation so she doesn't get home until tomorrow night. I called her to tell her. I can't wait to talk to her about it in person.
My dad seems okay with it, but a bit nervous. But he's the same one who protested us falling asleep together in the same room or bed. So it makes sense.

We got some good advice from a friend of his family-- Don't care what anyone thinks. At the end of the day, all it is is you and the other person. Don't let family interject into your relationship. And expect people to get highly opinionated near the date of the wedding. Don't let it discourage you.

I look forward to it, very very much. It makes me want the year to go by faster.

Darling..;

Will you know better than to fear me when there's nothing to fear? Will I be the as expected drifter or you the driftee? How easily happens the unintentional. Little things bother, and sting. Confusion at best.
I only want to be involved in every inch. I only want to be so close to you that I can see through your eyes. I want to become and inhabit you. I want to be that close.

I want to like spicy food, I want to be a cook, I want to be a Disney fanatic, I want to play WoW, I want to impulsively think of naked people, I want to love horror, I want to have retarded friends who call me, I want to not go to dentists, I want to like furry, I want to be depressed, I want to not go to school. I want to be you. I want to know everything. I want to have every memory you have and know exactly how you feel. I want to see every single thing you see, to see every single picture you save and to know how you feel about it.

So why put up a fence?

I'm not afraid of it. Even if I dislike it, I want it.

You don't get me, but it's okay, because if I saw someone like me I wouldn't get them either.. (?)

I want it passionately. But it's not something you're willing to share. It's personal, I know, it's weird, I know. But that's okay.

I feel pushed away, but again I understand.
Something like that is far too overwhelming. And I'm not being understanding, because it's something I feel strongly about.

Jibberish of Mine

I may be simply a faraway star,
I may be faint even at night
but no matter what, I'm always watching over you

You may not even see me,
you may not even touch,
I may blink away from sight
but we'll never be apart

Glitter in the distance
my love, my star
we can smile secretly
a place only we know,
the coordinates
our path on the way home
following with our eyes closed
-----------------------------------------------------

Keeping to our fellow watchlords
keeping clung to dusted curtains
lingering, we, fog on the window
only in fleeting ways
Sapping up with our clean hands
we will not touch
we will not
Lifeless on a clothesline
Breathelessly underground
As there and as absent,
like the space between your fingertips

Colorful but blind
our beautiful flurries go muted
breathlessly melting into the sky
Our eyes are black and white
just like your life,
it goes on without me

How can you say it
when the words are simply...
How can you do it
when your steps are...
Carefully planned
Carefully
Careful
You won't fall

Your lips are strawberry sweet
your eyes are delicate truffles
your hair is the darkest of chocolate
devour me whole
----

Endless crap can't believe it will be true soon we won't go much longer without this and i don't know how to go on when we're two birds trapped in the same tree without leaves and we can't die without going to the pool because it cleanses as well as it refreshes and it keeps us cold without melting our hearts.

I'm not procrastinating

No I'm not. I'm eating. I'm eating, and then I'll do my homework. In the meantime I want to write, now that I have a bit more confidence since writing my first real entry in a year.
Yeah I'll go to college. Wess makes me understand that I'm fortunate to be able to, that I have parents willing to pay for it and I have my high school education almost done, so I have a chance to be well respected. I guess the bright side is, going to college will prepare me for the burdens of everyday life with work. I think I will be happy.. I'll be with Wess, I'll have date nights with him and great weekends and I'll have dinner with him and his family. I'll be happy. For now I remain slightly hopeless because I hate life without him. But I'll have four years living life with him knowing what it's like to have my own responsibilities but be by his side. Know how to manage money, be on my own in a way, able to make my own choices. I'm glad I might get to stay for a year and get a job.. That will also give me some experience. I think I'll be able to get used to living life as a responsible almost-adult and so when we get married it won't be as if everything is suddenly thrown onto us.. We'll be able to know what life will be like.
Wess likes calling me a brat. I love calling him an idiot. He likes to irritate me and I like to whack him. We like to play fight. He likes to lightly punch and I like to wrestle with him. Some could say, we're a 'highly abusive' couple. My parents frown upon it. But we fight like puppies fight. Puppies growl and bite and nip and yip and wrestle around. But they would never truly hurt each other. Honestly I love it. I love that the thought of ever being abusive towards each other is so far-fetched and so ridiculous that we make fun of it. We are the most sensitive and kind people to each other. If I ever got the slightest scratch, Wess would panic. He would freak out and maybe even cry (if he had done anything to cause it). We both laugh so much, it makes me so happy. I'm happy that we can joke about the most serious things and that I feel so safe with him that we can laugh and call each other names. It's so strange. Like being a little kid, full of energy.

I will love going to prom with him. It will be so romantic. I will have so much fun dressing up and doing my hair and wearing/picking the perfect dress. He will be the perfect date. He is the perfect date. So sweet and awestruck by my apparent 'beauty'. He gets so googly-eyed when he sees me in an elegant dress... most guys wouldn't care what a girl had on and wouldn't see the same loveliness in a dress as a girl would see themselves, but he sure sees it. He always thinks I look beautiful.

"I also like how much your cheeks rise up when you smile
And how wide your smile can get
And the way your lips shape when you smile
And how your teeth barely show when you smile
And how your eyes kind of squint when you're happy and smiling"

I'm very lucky.

Music, Depression

I think I've become afraid to write. How pathetic is that? How can you fear a hobby? I just seem to have lost the will and the... I'm losing my vocabulary too. I just don't even want to, anymore. Or maybe I just can't think clearly. Maybe I'm just scared to show my views. Maybe I've just lost something that pushes me to do anything. I think that's it.
According to the college site I could have depression. I kind of wonder if that's true. They say, 'loss of interest/enjoyment towards things you used to enjoy'. I didn't know that was true until I tried to write this. I wonder, what causes depression? Could this? It's traumatic enough for me. Please don't blame yourself. I just feel so miserably alone I could cry, sometimes. I think of all the memories and no matter how recent it was it feels like forever ago, so out of reach, untouchable. It's so hard to trudge on, sometimes. There are days like this when I could just sit here all day; have no willpower to move from the spot. The only thing that signifies that I'm awake is the light ranging to splitting headache that comes and goes with the presence of the rest of my family.
When I get in moods like this I don't really take good care of myself. I really had to use the bathroom when I woke up at 12 in the afternoon, but I didn't go until 4 PM when I finally got out of bed. I was really hungry but I didn't eat anything except what my mom randomly brought me, because I just didn't want to move or get up or do anything.
I've been getting this mood a lot lately. It's not exactly normal for me. Sure I'd be a bit sad but usually I wasn't miserable.

It's funny because Alison Moyet doesn't sound like a singer who would sing love songs but that's all she sings. Some of her songs are really awful and very 80's but others are nice. Her voice is good. It seems like in some albums she suddenly got ahold of her music and made it a lot better.
When I was younger I used to make a hobby of trying to translate songs (as in write them down). That was before I knew you could look it up online.

"I am running up the stairs, I can hardly breathe again. Into your arms, and a perfect day. From the garden where we lay, with the roses all aflame, you called my name, and I meant to say.. Dorothy it's been too long, so long. I looked for your face watching down from the window; wave me till I'm gone. I remember the dress you wore, and you're still here with me but maybe, Dorothy it's been too long, so long."
(Dorothy, Alison Moyet)

I feel like finding parts I like so pardon me and endless quotes. It's a good way to get used to writing. I'm writing what I hear.

"I can't began to tell you how it feels.... It's clear blue sky. Out here my heart, so full, it's fit to burst.. Just counting the hours. Home.. such a long way gone, how to share a day, here's my only way. Send myself to you, wishing you were here. Wishing you were here. I can't begin to tell you where I've been. It's a world behind. And if we are to find our heaven here.. We just have to look harder. Now, I can see you, I never could before, now I want nothing more. When I close my eyes, wishing you were here. Wishing you were here."
(Wishing You Were Here, Alison Moyet)

"I would not have believed you, had I never seen. Now you and I are intimately pictured in my dreams. I could not forsake you fall tumbling away. And if I live in wonderland, I'm better off this way. I choose never to forget, I want our lips to kiss, and our limbs to entwine, let our bodies be twisted but never our minds. Is this love?"
(Is This Love, Alison Moyet)


No matter how much time passes, I always seem to like Kite by Nick Heyward. The music if not the singing. I wonder why. Satisfying sound I suppose.
I can't seem to find a song I want to hear though.

It's funny who you fall in love with. I fear offending people, he tends to enjoy it. I'm obsessively skinny, he's overweight. I'm neautral in my opinions, he has strong ones. I tend to be optimistic, he's an extreme pessimist. I'm a dreamer, he's a realist. I write poetry, he writes songs. I like chinese food, he likes mexican. I'm a clean freak, he's messy. I like to get out, he likes to stay home. I'm obsessed with doing things right away, he likes to put things off. I love anime, he only kind of likes it. I love to read, he rarely reads. I'm in high school, he stopped going. I'm in college, he's not. I like clubs, he hates clubs. He would always drink, I never drank. I hardly listen to music, he listens to music all the time.
This says you can't really predict or regulate who you'll end up being inseparable from. You can say what you prefer, but what you prefer won't necessarily be what you cherish. Strange, huh?
All these differences don't worry me. Because I accept that he's messy, for example, and enjoy going through his stuff and tidying. He doesn't mind that.

I didn't realize until this second that I really don't want to go to college. I feel so.. something.. I feel like it's wrong for me to not want to, first of all. I feel so pressured by my family to go and I feel like I have to to survive in the world. I feel like all my ambitions have gone down the drain. I feel like I can't survive. I can't do this much longer. It hurts so much living like this. Living without him. I feel like there's nothing left to be happy about.

It's been so long

I'm amazed that I've abandoned my favorite hobby for this long; writing.
I'll tell you all that's happened soon enough..
I'm working on a novel currently. It won't be quite as emo-rific as this blog has been, though. It won't be fiction either.

I just haven't had time, I guess. And I haven't thought to do this.

Future Hopes

Who would ever think it could get this far?
Who could ever think that a year of love could turn to this?
A year and I've bet my heart it's going to work. Ring, marriage.. I've bet my life at 16.
And by my character, is it so unusual? I've been looking for sir prince charming since age 10. Six years later, booya. Found him.
He ain't as I pictured, no no. But god, has he got the charm. Those words and I melt like the day he said yes.
And like the good fiancé he is, he's coming. Coming to stay. No more goodbyes...
How many goodbyes so far? He said goodbye before we even met and I still have trouble forgiving him for that. "Fuck! He does this just before Valentine's day! But don't all guys do that?"
I remember what I did that day.
I went down to University Village and tried to cuss it off, in a way. Went with my mom, and shared my greif. My frustration. I was stubborn, I was in denial. Irony was, a guy flirted with me that day, but it was the first time it ever happened. I was almost saying in my head 'ha, see, I can get guys, take that' but nothing would really take away the lonliness I felt that day. I felt like he was breaking up with me that day. I felt he couldn't take it, so that was that. Gone. "Why did he have to do it before Valentine's Day? Before my birthday..?" was in tears.
He didn't last long though. Long enough to scare me, but not long enough to leave me empty.
I removed his picture that day. I was trying to be open to dating people, I was trying to pretend I was open. Course I didn't want to date anyone.
I emailed him, even though I wasn't supposed to. His response was short and poetic. It was tantalizing and painful.
Like all our goodbyes though, it was only temporary.
That was our first goodbye. The rest were from visits, plane rides back and forth.
Second was April... Then I visited... Then he visited for three weeks.. And he visited again recently. Were those all the times? It's amazing how you forget.
Five goodbyes. Sixth in January.
But after that... no more.
The last goodbye was the hardest. Tears on both ends. It never felt so hard to let go before. The drive was bittersweet. I pretended we were just going for a drive, but I let it sink in as we drew closer. We listened to our songs. That helped but didn't. Emotional, to say the least. Held him tight the whole ride. At the airport we stopped in front of the security entrance, I coudn't just say goodbye and let him go. Hug after hug and we finally tore apart and said goodbye. I couldn't walk off, so I stood aimlessly, watching him. Cried a lot. Hurts even to think about.
September 11th 2006 is a funny day for such a wonderful thing to happen. He proposed.
We bought the ring together. The jewler advised a stronger jem, but I like topaz too much to care if it wears out. I figure, with a laugh, that would just give him a chance to propose to me again.
He likes to do it over and over again. He has once in person, but he asks me every now and then.
He says he's going to propose to me again in his living room, in front of the Christmas tree.
That will be a warm and happy time.
But right now I feel cold and nostolgic. Never a good thing.

What Crap

So hungry that I feel sick.
I slept through dinner, and now I wake again at 5 Am with an empty stomach, no lunch, no dinner, empty. Sick.
Was going to make myself a waaay past midnight dinner but found that there are no noodles in the cabinet. Bah. So I eat a banana and some ritz peanut-butter thingies. Now my stomach is no longer jabbing from the inside.

Today I was on the phone with my fiance, getting annoyed as someone wasn't taking the hint that the line was busy, trying to call over and over. After about half an hour my mom came in, sounding annoyed, saying I had to hang up the phone right now. That it was apparently an emergency, and Robin had been trying to call. Emergency or not, I was very much bothered.
I was more bothered when they didn't need the phone and the emergency wasn't an emergency, but simply stupidity.
The emergency was this- my little brother's best friend was over at his house, which mind you, is ONE house away from his, and his mom didn't know where he was and -assumed- we weren't home because the line was busy! Jesus fucking christ!
I'm growing irritated at the increasing need for the line to be open. It's a five-person family, they shouldn't expect the line to be open all the time. Mom has long blabbers with old friends, I have long blabbers with my fiance whom I miss to death. Normally I would just chat with him but he's in NY, without a computer. And I need to take care of him.
So mom made me hang up on him, and I got upset so I went to sleep ignoring everyone when she said about two minutes later that I could have the phone back. I mean for fuck's sake.. Why the hell did you make me hang up on him?? There's a line two you know, and in my room, it only has line one!
After a half-nap I went into deep sleep, and that was at about 5 PM.
Now, I woke up, at 5 AM.
God-damn.

I'm afraid I missed something, I'm afraid he could maybe not be okay, I'm afraid that he was having thoughts again.
He was alone at central park and he's been really depressed for several days now. I need to be there for him... I needed to be there for him.. God I wish I was.
Fucking house.

That was the last real thing I said to him before hanging up. "I hate this effing house" "Now don't get upset or angsty about it, just text me when I can call back, okay?" "mm......" "It'll be fine, don't worry. I love you baby" "I love you too.. bye..." "bye"
Haven't had the chance to talk to him since.
It's morning over there, 8 AM... So I'm going to call him now to make up for it.

I'm so sorry I fell asleep Wess..

October 13th

Using lipstick to cross off the days until I see him again. Kind of ironic.
Near-crying again. Well, cried a bit and then stopped. Too stressed to cry.

Do you really think I care -what- Daniel is like?? I know she's a mess and I don't like her, that's all there is too it. I know she's someone I never want to be. I don't want you to explain her fucking disorder to me and make up excuses for why she's a druggie and why she's a near-whore.

I'm writing this here in hopes you will stay out of my life, as I want all of my family to.
As I say.. Friends, read my personal thoughts if you want, but I never, ever, want a word out of you.

I'm emotional again. Carson has three fucking friends over and Dad fucked up the TV. My favorite show cut out in the middle because he was too lazy to use tapes, even though he keeps a supply of more than 5,000 sheets of paper that he never bothers to use. I hate this house. It's just a.. a... the very symbol of waste. Waste and too many possessions.

Now I am crying. God, I still need to work on it.. ........ .But.... ......... Is it a sin to realize that he reads these still? And can I really stop him from that? I don't look anymore.. I don't check. But I know that he looks.

My head hurts so I start crying and then stop and just hurt. Sweating a lot and head is full of shit.

I need a sanctuary. My room is hardly one. I can't avoid my social anxiety when I have the most social brother on earth. Three friends at once today!!! Why the fuck.

What bullocks!

10th

Jealousies

October 10th.

Why is she so attached to him..?
I know best friends are close, but he's been gone anyway. What do they really do besides text? She needs him that much?
Was that crush really just an emotional day's result?
Crying on the phone when he's going to be gone for a few weeks..
It's not like she won't be seeing him soon anyway.
This makes me feel sick to the stomach.
Kind of a 'I need him, not you!' and a feeling of fear and not wanting him taken away from me.
I need him.. stop needing him too. Please go away and be happy with someone else.. Because he's not yours, he's mine.. Please, please stop needing him.

I felt better for a second. But now I feel icky again. I really did feel better though, so it's so ironic. Please don't make me feel bad, I know it's natural for your best friend to want to say goodbye on the phone.. But...... How can I not believe she feels something for you? And how can that not make me afraid?
I know you're not leaving, I just want her to go away. Or at least have the ability to leave you alone for a week.

My eyes are tired. I'm tired. I feel like the longer I'm away the more these things bother me. The more I feel like my time with him is being taken away by his other gal-friends. The more I need him.

"I'm all she's got to confide in"

How hard it is for him and her to separate just makes me feel more sick. Like they -need- each other.
How in all this time can she have not found anyone else to talk to?
I'm falling apart in so many ways.. Why must you take him from me?
You may act more messed up but in ways I believe I'm hurting a lot more than you. I need him a lot more than you do.
They were the only ones I could confide in, and with that I fell in love with them. Is that why I feel so worried?
I couldn't go without them for long... Please don't say you're the same.
I want him to be mine... I don't want to share him.. Yet I constantly am...
Endless thoughts it seems, these days are taking me in and leaving me without much spirit.

You guys talk that much..? I feel like you could be telling her more and confiding in her more than you do me.. I'm jealous, obviously. I don't want there to be anyone else..
....I just refrained from calling them lovebirds. "I'm not keeping you.... two from seeing each other"
I'd rather not poke at sarcasm at this point, because I don't want to fight more, and I don't have a good reason to.

Aye... now we're going to have to argue about it, huh...

Pure lyrics, Lightning Seeds

night time slows, raindrops splash rainbows
perhaps someone you know, could sparkle and shine
as daydreams slide to color from shadow
picture the moonglow, that dazzles my eyes
and I love you

just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple every time
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple every time

dreams of sights, of sleigh rides in seasons
where feelings not reasons, can make you decide
as leaves pour down, splash autumn on gardens
as colder nights harden, their moonlit delights
and I love you

just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple every time
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple every time

look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple every time
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
i'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you

if love's the truth then look no lies
and let me swim around your eyes
I've found a place I'll never leave
shut my mouth and just believe
love is the truth I realize
not a stream of pretty lies
to use us up and waste our time

lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple everytime
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime

look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple everytime
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
I'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you
pure and simple just for you

Amusing

I was laughing at the mall... Because once again, my mom was asking both Dad and I and the air around us, "Is it REALLY possible for two people to just sleep in the same bed together without doing anything??"
She can't fathom ever sleeping in the same bed as a guy without having sex or doing something. That really made me laugh. I love to cuddle with Wess so jeez. She then said "It would be torture!"
Course it's tempting but... every night? Cuddling is so relaxing, who would want to ruin a perfectly good moment like that with sex? Well, at some points but -always-? Nope nope.
For us it would be more tempting considering we don't see each other very much and we don't know when we'll see each other after this. But for an ordinary couple..? How could they not just fall asleep together sometimes? How odd.

Mom and dad are playing Bust-a-Move. "Miss T sucks!" Mom is saying.
Today at the mall she went to Body Works to issue a complaint about their candle burning. Apparently the scent was vanilla, and it was flooding most of the mall with a scent I would call 'melted, or burning candy mixed with cologne'. I say, if you can't get them to stop burning candles, then at least have them choose something that smells nice like pear.. Something sweet and not disgustingly thick. At first we thought it was coming from Hollister co. but it ends up it was the candles across from them.. She talked to them and I pretended not to know her, waiting out on a bench far away. She told me that they said their manager had them burn two candles all day. They gave her a number to whine at, as that as employees the weren't allowed to change what rules were issued.

Now mom is looking at the background of Bust-a-Move and saying it looks like floating bologna.. 'it's ridiculous, why would someone choose floating bubbles of that color? It looks like bologna!'
She's interesting. But endlessly amusing.

I think I want to be remembered

Why else would I scrounge his every word at age 14, for any sign of myself?
It just makes me get a headache, remembering his journals were known to me to never, ever, make sense. And if they do I read them wrong. He writes in code, and backwards. He never uses names, he uses titles, he never writes a straight sentence.
So it's mostly pointless.

I do it when I'm lonely. Because I want to be remembered?

It's funny.. Really funny actually... .. .. in a sick way? I'm talking about something else now..
I always daydreamed being brought to the hospital in critical condition and staying there with people worrying about me. I got my wish on Thursday!
Maybe not as dramatic as one would hope, but it was the emergency room, and it was for 8 hours. And I was 'severely dehydrated'. Not all that cool either. But one of my worst fears is something happening to my body. I'm afraid of getting near anything that could affect my body in any way negatively (besides food). Inhaling something, something under my skin, parasites.. I take my condition very seriously, because I'm afraid I could mess something in my delicate internal workings and die.
You know what I thought in the hospital, after a few hours?.. "I don't want to die."
I was just sick, but god, it wasn't going away. I was afraid I'd have a fever forever. It'd been 4 days.. The fever went down, but once I fell asleep, I woke up on fire. So it felt like a never-ending cycle of pain. The meds weren't working.. So I thought I could die that way. I couldn't eat anything at all, I thought to myself "I'm withering away huh.." I started throwing up water. So what better to happen.. I would stop being able to eat, lose a bunch of weight, become seriously dehydrated and unable to drink, and then die.

Wess.. he's beautiful.
Very depressing but very beautiful.
I was in the shower before he was going to call last night, before he was crying and before I knew anything about his side of my ER night..
I was smiling at the reflection as I got out, a rare thing. I no longer looked like a zombie, the rashes were slowly receding from my stomach and arms, and my hair was actually a good length. Face was clear too, because my nervous fingers didn't have as much time to attack. (both my parents said I looked especially cute today)
And what'd I think when I looked? I grinned big, stared for a bit, and then gave a big, clasp-handed "THANK YOU!" and said half sarcastically "Confidence is mine!"
I wasn't saying thank you for being blessed with survivable looks. I was saying "THAAAAAAANK YOU" for him.

Wess expresses his love in the strangest way - through his sadness. He shows it best that way. In his fear, in his care, he shows it.

The night I was in the ER... I sent Wess a text message. I was laying on the bed thing and knew that cellphones weren't supposed to be on, but the nurse was like 'ehhh, it's fine'. I told him, "I'm in the ER." I waited a few minutes, no response. "Emergency room, bleegh.." still nothing for quite a while. I figured there was faulty connection, and shrugged. I checked about ten, twenty minutes later it vibrated. All it said was "Why?" I told him about it and such, and later on he said he left a message on the cellphone, and to have me call whenever I could to let him know how I was doing. I told my mom to go outside and call him, so she did.
I spent 8 hours there, rest of the night I kept the cellphone off, figuring I shouldn't be breaking rules if I wanted to get well. They stabbed one of my 'wonderful' veins and I took in 3 liters of water-like-substance. It made my arm cold.
I was fairly uncomfortable. My stomach was still killing me, but my fever was slowly fading away. I watched WWII on TV and watched them steal silverware from the Nazi meeting room. "Not every day your girlfriend gets a gift from Hitler!"

Anyway, the night went like that. I had nasty medicines that made me feel terrible right before I left, and regained my fever right when I got home. "great" I thought. I didn't go back though.

I found out last night what Wess had been doing all this time. In tears last night he told me, once he got the text message, without hesitation he went over to his mom's room and cried his eyes out. I figured he'd panic at least slightly, but that? I don't know. He said he didn't know how I was doing, tried to call multiple times, and just didn't know what to expect, what condition I was in, etc etc. He couldn't sleep that night.
Just the thought of anything happening to me makes him sick to his stomach. Just the nightmares he has about me make him cry when he wakes up, and the dreams he has where he can't hold me leave him shaken.
When he told me in depth about this, I was speechless. It was 4 AM too, how would I respond to him..?
It was beautiful.
It's almost sick of me.. but it's beautiful. Can you understand? I've wanted someone to worry about me for all my life. Wanted there to be someone who actually would worry sick about me and actually give a damn when these things happen. Someone who my life means something to. And not just when I'm hurt, not just when I'm sick, not just when you're supposed to.. He can't live without me. And that means so much, and shows so much depth to how much I mean to him.
'I want to be needed' or, I want to be someone's angel, as I say when I get over-emotional.


And now a bitch is staring at me. I finish this entry here.