I'm Getting Married

Well hello there. I'm getting married.
Weston and I finally set a date.

August 15, 2009.

I am very happy and excited.

Pardon the lack of commentary, I'm sick right now so I can't think of much. But we're having a lot of fun talking about it.
Curently my mom is on vacation so she doesn't get home until tomorrow night. I called her to tell her. I can't wait to talk to her about it in person.
My dad seems okay with it, but a bit nervous. But he's the same one who protested us falling asleep together in the same room or bed. So it makes sense.

We got some good advice from a friend of his family-- Don't care what anyone thinks. At the end of the day, all it is is you and the other person. Don't let family interject into your relationship. And expect people to get highly opinionated near the date of the wedding. Don't let it discourage you.

I look forward to it, very very much. It makes me want the year to go by faster.

Darling..;

Will you know better than to fear me when there's nothing to fear? Will I be the as expected drifter or you the driftee? How easily happens the unintentional. Little things bother, and sting. Confusion at best.
I only want to be involved in every inch. I only want to be so close to you that I can see through your eyes. I want to become and inhabit you. I want to be that close.

I want to like spicy food, I want to be a cook, I want to be a Disney fanatic, I want to play WoW, I want to impulsively think of naked people, I want to love horror, I want to have retarded friends who call me, I want to not go to dentists, I want to like furry, I want to be depressed, I want to not go to school. I want to be you. I want to know everything. I want to have every memory you have and know exactly how you feel. I want to see every single thing you see, to see every single picture you save and to know how you feel about it.

So why put up a fence?

I'm not afraid of it. Even if I dislike it, I want it.

You don't get me, but it's okay, because if I saw someone like me I wouldn't get them either.. (?)

I want it passionately. But it's not something you're willing to share. It's personal, I know, it's weird, I know. But that's okay.

I feel pushed away, but again I understand.
Something like that is far too overwhelming. And I'm not being understanding, because it's something I feel strongly about.

Jibberish of Mine

I may be simply a faraway star,
I may be faint even at night
but no matter what, I'm always watching over you

You may not even see me,
you may not even touch,
I may blink away from sight
but we'll never be apart

Glitter in the distance
my love, my star
we can smile secretly
a place only we know,
the coordinates
our path on the way home
following with our eyes closed
-----------------------------------------------------

Keeping to our fellow watchlords
keeping clung to dusted curtains
lingering, we, fog on the window
only in fleeting ways
Sapping up with our clean hands
we will not touch
we will not
Lifeless on a clothesline
Breathelessly underground
As there and as absent,
like the space between your fingertips

Colorful but blind
our beautiful flurries go muted
breathlessly melting into the sky
Our eyes are black and white
just like your life,
it goes on without me

How can you say it
when the words are simply...
How can you do it
when your steps are...
Carefully planned
Carefully
Careful
You won't fall

Your lips are strawberry sweet
your eyes are delicate truffles
your hair is the darkest of chocolate
devour me whole
----

Endless crap can't believe it will be true soon we won't go much longer without this and i don't know how to go on when we're two birds trapped in the same tree without leaves and we can't die without going to the pool because it cleanses as well as it refreshes and it keeps us cold without melting our hearts.

I'm not procrastinating

No I'm not. I'm eating. I'm eating, and then I'll do my homework. In the meantime I want to write, now that I have a bit more confidence since writing my first real entry in a year.
Yeah I'll go to college. Wess makes me understand that I'm fortunate to be able to, that I have parents willing to pay for it and I have my high school education almost done, so I have a chance to be well respected. I guess the bright side is, going to college will prepare me for the burdens of everyday life with work. I think I will be happy.. I'll be with Wess, I'll have date nights with him and great weekends and I'll have dinner with him and his family. I'll be happy. For now I remain slightly hopeless because I hate life without him. But I'll have four years living life with him knowing what it's like to have my own responsibilities but be by his side. Know how to manage money, be on my own in a way, able to make my own choices. I'm glad I might get to stay for a year and get a job.. That will also give me some experience. I think I'll be able to get used to living life as a responsible almost-adult and so when we get married it won't be as if everything is suddenly thrown onto us.. We'll be able to know what life will be like.
Wess likes calling me a brat. I love calling him an idiot. He likes to irritate me and I like to whack him. We like to play fight. He likes to lightly punch and I like to wrestle with him. Some could say, we're a 'highly abusive' couple. My parents frown upon it. But we fight like puppies fight. Puppies growl and bite and nip and yip and wrestle around. But they would never truly hurt each other. Honestly I love it. I love that the thought of ever being abusive towards each other is so far-fetched and so ridiculous that we make fun of it. We are the most sensitive and kind people to each other. If I ever got the slightest scratch, Wess would panic. He would freak out and maybe even cry (if he had done anything to cause it). We both laugh so much, it makes me so happy. I'm happy that we can joke about the most serious things and that I feel so safe with him that we can laugh and call each other names. It's so strange. Like being a little kid, full of energy.

I will love going to prom with him. It will be so romantic. I will have so much fun dressing up and doing my hair and wearing/picking the perfect dress. He will be the perfect date. He is the perfect date. So sweet and awestruck by my apparent 'beauty'. He gets so googly-eyed when he sees me in an elegant dress... most guys wouldn't care what a girl had on and wouldn't see the same loveliness in a dress as a girl would see themselves, but he sure sees it. He always thinks I look beautiful.

"I also like how much your cheeks rise up when you smile
And how wide your smile can get
And the way your lips shape when you smile
And how your teeth barely show when you smile
And how your eyes kind of squint when you're happy and smiling"

I'm very lucky.

Music, Depression

I think I've become afraid to write. How pathetic is that? How can you fear a hobby? I just seem to have lost the will and the... I'm losing my vocabulary too. I just don't even want to, anymore. Or maybe I just can't think clearly. Maybe I'm just scared to show my views. Maybe I've just lost something that pushes me to do anything. I think that's it.
According to the college site I could have depression. I kind of wonder if that's true. They say, 'loss of interest/enjoyment towards things you used to enjoy'. I didn't know that was true until I tried to write this. I wonder, what causes depression? Could this? It's traumatic enough for me. Please don't blame yourself. I just feel so miserably alone I could cry, sometimes. I think of all the memories and no matter how recent it was it feels like forever ago, so out of reach, untouchable. It's so hard to trudge on, sometimes. There are days like this when I could just sit here all day; have no willpower to move from the spot. The only thing that signifies that I'm awake is the light ranging to splitting headache that comes and goes with the presence of the rest of my family.
When I get in moods like this I don't really take good care of myself. I really had to use the bathroom when I woke up at 12 in the afternoon, but I didn't go until 4 PM when I finally got out of bed. I was really hungry but I didn't eat anything except what my mom randomly brought me, because I just didn't want to move or get up or do anything.
I've been getting this mood a lot lately. It's not exactly normal for me. Sure I'd be a bit sad but usually I wasn't miserable.

It's funny because Alison Moyet doesn't sound like a singer who would sing love songs but that's all she sings. Some of her songs are really awful and very 80's but others are nice. Her voice is good. It seems like in some albums she suddenly got ahold of her music and made it a lot better.
When I was younger I used to make a hobby of trying to translate songs (as in write them down). That was before I knew you could look it up online.

"I am running up the stairs, I can hardly breathe again. Into your arms, and a perfect day. From the garden where we lay, with the roses all aflame, you called my name, and I meant to say.. Dorothy it's been too long, so long. I looked for your face watching down from the window; wave me till I'm gone. I remember the dress you wore, and you're still here with me but maybe, Dorothy it's been too long, so long."
(Dorothy, Alison Moyet)

I feel like finding parts I like so pardon me and endless quotes. It's a good way to get used to writing. I'm writing what I hear.

"I can't began to tell you how it feels.... It's clear blue sky. Out here my heart, so full, it's fit to burst.. Just counting the hours. Home.. such a long way gone, how to share a day, here's my only way. Send myself to you, wishing you were here. Wishing you were here. I can't begin to tell you where I've been. It's a world behind. And if we are to find our heaven here.. We just have to look harder. Now, I can see you, I never could before, now I want nothing more. When I close my eyes, wishing you were here. Wishing you were here."
(Wishing You Were Here, Alison Moyet)

"I would not have believed you, had I never seen. Now you and I are intimately pictured in my dreams. I could not forsake you fall tumbling away. And if I live in wonderland, I'm better off this way. I choose never to forget, I want our lips to kiss, and our limbs to entwine, let our bodies be twisted but never our minds. Is this love?"
(Is This Love, Alison Moyet)


No matter how much time passes, I always seem to like Kite by Nick Heyward. The music if not the singing. I wonder why. Satisfying sound I suppose.
I can't seem to find a song I want to hear though.

It's funny who you fall in love with. I fear offending people, he tends to enjoy it. I'm obsessively skinny, he's overweight. I'm neautral in my opinions, he has strong ones. I tend to be optimistic, he's an extreme pessimist. I'm a dreamer, he's a realist. I write poetry, he writes songs. I like chinese food, he likes mexican. I'm a clean freak, he's messy. I like to get out, he likes to stay home. I'm obsessed with doing things right away, he likes to put things off. I love anime, he only kind of likes it. I love to read, he rarely reads. I'm in high school, he stopped going. I'm in college, he's not. I like clubs, he hates clubs. He would always drink, I never drank. I hardly listen to music, he listens to music all the time.
This says you can't really predict or regulate who you'll end up being inseparable from. You can say what you prefer, but what you prefer won't necessarily be what you cherish. Strange, huh?
All these differences don't worry me. Because I accept that he's messy, for example, and enjoy going through his stuff and tidying. He doesn't mind that.

I didn't realize until this second that I really don't want to go to college. I feel so.. something.. I feel like it's wrong for me to not want to, first of all. I feel so pressured by my family to go and I feel like I have to to survive in the world. I feel like all my ambitions have gone down the drain. I feel like I can't survive. I can't do this much longer. It hurts so much living like this. Living without him. I feel like there's nothing left to be happy about.

It's been so long

I'm amazed that I've abandoned my favorite hobby for this long; writing.
I'll tell you all that's happened soon enough..
I'm working on a novel currently. It won't be quite as emo-rific as this blog has been, though. It won't be fiction either.

I just haven't had time, I guess. And I haven't thought to do this.

Future Hopes

Who would ever think it could get this far?
Who could ever think that a year of love could turn to this?
A year and I've bet my heart it's going to work. Ring, marriage.. I've bet my life at 16.
And by my character, is it so unusual? I've been looking for sir prince charming since age 10. Six years later, booya. Found him.
He ain't as I pictured, no no. But god, has he got the charm. Those words and I melt like the day he said yes.
And like the good fiancé he is, he's coming. Coming to stay. No more goodbyes...
How many goodbyes so far? He said goodbye before we even met and I still have trouble forgiving him for that. "Fuck! He does this just before Valentine's day! But don't all guys do that?"
I remember what I did that day.
I went down to University Village and tried to cuss it off, in a way. Went with my mom, and shared my greif. My frustration. I was stubborn, I was in denial. Irony was, a guy flirted with me that day, but it was the first time it ever happened. I was almost saying in my head 'ha, see, I can get guys, take that' but nothing would really take away the lonliness I felt that day. I felt like he was breaking up with me that day. I felt he couldn't take it, so that was that. Gone. "Why did he have to do it before Valentine's Day? Before my birthday..?" was in tears.
He didn't last long though. Long enough to scare me, but not long enough to leave me empty.
I removed his picture that day. I was trying to be open to dating people, I was trying to pretend I was open. Course I didn't want to date anyone.
I emailed him, even though I wasn't supposed to. His response was short and poetic. It was tantalizing and painful.
Like all our goodbyes though, it was only temporary.
That was our first goodbye. The rest were from visits, plane rides back and forth.
Second was April... Then I visited... Then he visited for three weeks.. And he visited again recently. Were those all the times? It's amazing how you forget.
Five goodbyes. Sixth in January.
But after that... no more.
The last goodbye was the hardest. Tears on both ends. It never felt so hard to let go before. The drive was bittersweet. I pretended we were just going for a drive, but I let it sink in as we drew closer. We listened to our songs. That helped but didn't. Emotional, to say the least. Held him tight the whole ride. At the airport we stopped in front of the security entrance, I coudn't just say goodbye and let him go. Hug after hug and we finally tore apart and said goodbye. I couldn't walk off, so I stood aimlessly, watching him. Cried a lot. Hurts even to think about.
September 11th 2006 is a funny day for such a wonderful thing to happen. He proposed.
We bought the ring together. The jewler advised a stronger jem, but I like topaz too much to care if it wears out. I figure, with a laugh, that would just give him a chance to propose to me again.
He likes to do it over and over again. He has once in person, but he asks me every now and then.
He says he's going to propose to me again in his living room, in front of the Christmas tree.
That will be a warm and happy time.
But right now I feel cold and nostolgic. Never a good thing.

What Crap

So hungry that I feel sick.
I slept through dinner, and now I wake again at 5 Am with an empty stomach, no lunch, no dinner, empty. Sick.
Was going to make myself a waaay past midnight dinner but found that there are no noodles in the cabinet. Bah. So I eat a banana and some ritz peanut-butter thingies. Now my stomach is no longer jabbing from the inside.

Today I was on the phone with my fiance, getting annoyed as someone wasn't taking the hint that the line was busy, trying to call over and over. After about half an hour my mom came in, sounding annoyed, saying I had to hang up the phone right now. That it was apparently an emergency, and Robin had been trying to call. Emergency or not, I was very much bothered.
I was more bothered when they didn't need the phone and the emergency wasn't an emergency, but simply stupidity.
The emergency was this- my little brother's best friend was over at his house, which mind you, is ONE house away from his, and his mom didn't know where he was and -assumed- we weren't home because the line was busy! Jesus fucking christ!
I'm growing irritated at the increasing need for the line to be open. It's a five-person family, they shouldn't expect the line to be open all the time. Mom has long blabbers with old friends, I have long blabbers with my fiance whom I miss to death. Normally I would just chat with him but he's in NY, without a computer. And I need to take care of him.
So mom made me hang up on him, and I got upset so I went to sleep ignoring everyone when she said about two minutes later that I could have the phone back. I mean for fuck's sake.. Why the hell did you make me hang up on him?? There's a line two you know, and in my room, it only has line one!
After a half-nap I went into deep sleep, and that was at about 5 PM.
Now, I woke up, at 5 AM.
God-damn.

I'm afraid I missed something, I'm afraid he could maybe not be okay, I'm afraid that he was having thoughts again.
He was alone at central park and he's been really depressed for several days now. I need to be there for him... I needed to be there for him.. God I wish I was.
Fucking house.

That was the last real thing I said to him before hanging up. "I hate this effing house" "Now don't get upset or angsty about it, just text me when I can call back, okay?" "mm......" "It'll be fine, don't worry. I love you baby" "I love you too.. bye..." "bye"
Haven't had the chance to talk to him since.
It's morning over there, 8 AM... So I'm going to call him now to make up for it.

I'm so sorry I fell asleep Wess..

October 13th

Using lipstick to cross off the days until I see him again. Kind of ironic.
Near-crying again. Well, cried a bit and then stopped. Too stressed to cry.

Do you really think I care -what- Daniel is like?? I know she's a mess and I don't like her, that's all there is too it. I know she's someone I never want to be. I don't want you to explain her fucking disorder to me and make up excuses for why she's a druggie and why she's a near-whore.

I'm writing this here in hopes you will stay out of my life, as I want all of my family to.
As I say.. Friends, read my personal thoughts if you want, but I never, ever, want a word out of you.

I'm emotional again. Carson has three fucking friends over and Dad fucked up the TV. My favorite show cut out in the middle because he was too lazy to use tapes, even though he keeps a supply of more than 5,000 sheets of paper that he never bothers to use. I hate this house. It's just a.. a... the very symbol of waste. Waste and too many possessions.

Now I am crying. God, I still need to work on it.. ........ .But.... ......... Is it a sin to realize that he reads these still? And can I really stop him from that? I don't look anymore.. I don't check. But I know that he looks.

My head hurts so I start crying and then stop and just hurt. Sweating a lot and head is full of shit.

I need a sanctuary. My room is hardly one. I can't avoid my social anxiety when I have the most social brother on earth. Three friends at once today!!! Why the fuck.

What bullocks!

10th

Jealousies

October 10th.

Why is she so attached to him..?
I know best friends are close, but he's been gone anyway. What do they really do besides text? She needs him that much?
Was that crush really just an emotional day's result?
Crying on the phone when he's going to be gone for a few weeks..
It's not like she won't be seeing him soon anyway.
This makes me feel sick to the stomach.
Kind of a 'I need him, not you!' and a feeling of fear and not wanting him taken away from me.
I need him.. stop needing him too. Please go away and be happy with someone else.. Because he's not yours, he's mine.. Please, please stop needing him.

I felt better for a second. But now I feel icky again. I really did feel better though, so it's so ironic. Please don't make me feel bad, I know it's natural for your best friend to want to say goodbye on the phone.. But...... How can I not believe she feels something for you? And how can that not make me afraid?
I know you're not leaving, I just want her to go away. Or at least have the ability to leave you alone for a week.

My eyes are tired. I'm tired. I feel like the longer I'm away the more these things bother me. The more I feel like my time with him is being taken away by his other gal-friends. The more I need him.

"I'm all she's got to confide in"

How hard it is for him and her to separate just makes me feel more sick. Like they -need- each other.
How in all this time can she have not found anyone else to talk to?
I'm falling apart in so many ways.. Why must you take him from me?
You may act more messed up but in ways I believe I'm hurting a lot more than you. I need him a lot more than you do.
They were the only ones I could confide in, and with that I fell in love with them. Is that why I feel so worried?
I couldn't go without them for long... Please don't say you're the same.
I want him to be mine... I don't want to share him.. Yet I constantly am...
Endless thoughts it seems, these days are taking me in and leaving me without much spirit.

You guys talk that much..? I feel like you could be telling her more and confiding in her more than you do me.. I'm jealous, obviously. I don't want there to be anyone else..
....I just refrained from calling them lovebirds. "I'm not keeping you.... two from seeing each other"
I'd rather not poke at sarcasm at this point, because I don't want to fight more, and I don't have a good reason to.

Aye... now we're going to have to argue about it, huh...

Pure lyrics, Lightning Seeds

night time slows, raindrops splash rainbows
perhaps someone you know, could sparkle and shine
as daydreams slide to color from shadow
picture the moonglow, that dazzles my eyes
and I love you

just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple every time
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple every time

dreams of sights, of sleigh rides in seasons
where feelings not reasons, can make you decide
as leaves pour down, splash autumn on gardens
as colder nights harden, their moonlit delights
and I love you

just lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple every time
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple every time

look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple every time
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
i'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you

if love's the truth then look no lies
and let me swim around your eyes
I've found a place I'll never leave
shut my mouth and just believe
love is the truth I realize
not a stream of pretty lies
to use us up and waste our time

lying smiling in the dark
shooting stars around your heart
dreams come bouncing in your head
pure and simple everytime
now you're crying in your sleep
i wish you'd never learnt to weep
don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
pure and simple everytime

look at me with starry eyes
push me up to starry skies
there's stardust in my head
pure and simple everytime
fresh and deep as oceans new
shiver at the sight of you
I'll sing a softer tune
pure and simple over you
pure and simple just for you

Amusing

I was laughing at the mall... Because once again, my mom was asking both Dad and I and the air around us, "Is it REALLY possible for two people to just sleep in the same bed together without doing anything??"
She can't fathom ever sleeping in the same bed as a guy without having sex or doing something. That really made me laugh. I love to cuddle with Wess so jeez. She then said "It would be torture!"
Course it's tempting but... every night? Cuddling is so relaxing, who would want to ruin a perfectly good moment like that with sex? Well, at some points but -always-? Nope nope.
For us it would be more tempting considering we don't see each other very much and we don't know when we'll see each other after this. But for an ordinary couple..? How could they not just fall asleep together sometimes? How odd.

Mom and dad are playing Bust-a-Move. "Miss T sucks!" Mom is saying.
Today at the mall she went to Body Works to issue a complaint about their candle burning. Apparently the scent was vanilla, and it was flooding most of the mall with a scent I would call 'melted, or burning candy mixed with cologne'. I say, if you can't get them to stop burning candles, then at least have them choose something that smells nice like pear.. Something sweet and not disgustingly thick. At first we thought it was coming from Hollister co. but it ends up it was the candles across from them.. She talked to them and I pretended not to know her, waiting out on a bench far away. She told me that they said their manager had them burn two candles all day. They gave her a number to whine at, as that as employees the weren't allowed to change what rules were issued.

Now mom is looking at the background of Bust-a-Move and saying it looks like floating bologna.. 'it's ridiculous, why would someone choose floating bubbles of that color? It looks like bologna!'
She's interesting. But endlessly amusing.

I think I want to be remembered

Why else would I scrounge his every word at age 14, for any sign of myself?
It just makes me get a headache, remembering his journals were known to me to never, ever, make sense. And if they do I read them wrong. He writes in code, and backwards. He never uses names, he uses titles, he never writes a straight sentence.
So it's mostly pointless.

I do it when I'm lonely. Because I want to be remembered?

It's funny.. Really funny actually... .. .. in a sick way? I'm talking about something else now..
I always daydreamed being brought to the hospital in critical condition and staying there with people worrying about me. I got my wish on Thursday!
Maybe not as dramatic as one would hope, but it was the emergency room, and it was for 8 hours. And I was 'severely dehydrated'. Not all that cool either. But one of my worst fears is something happening to my body. I'm afraid of getting near anything that could affect my body in any way negatively (besides food). Inhaling something, something under my skin, parasites.. I take my condition very seriously, because I'm afraid I could mess something in my delicate internal workings and die.
You know what I thought in the hospital, after a few hours?.. "I don't want to die."
I was just sick, but god, it wasn't going away. I was afraid I'd have a fever forever. It'd been 4 days.. The fever went down, but once I fell asleep, I woke up on fire. So it felt like a never-ending cycle of pain. The meds weren't working.. So I thought I could die that way. I couldn't eat anything at all, I thought to myself "I'm withering away huh.." I started throwing up water. So what better to happen.. I would stop being able to eat, lose a bunch of weight, become seriously dehydrated and unable to drink, and then die.

Wess.. he's beautiful.
Very depressing but very beautiful.
I was in the shower before he was going to call last night, before he was crying and before I knew anything about his side of my ER night..
I was smiling at the reflection as I got out, a rare thing. I no longer looked like a zombie, the rashes were slowly receding from my stomach and arms, and my hair was actually a good length. Face was clear too, because my nervous fingers didn't have as much time to attack. (both my parents said I looked especially cute today)
And what'd I think when I looked? I grinned big, stared for a bit, and then gave a big, clasp-handed "THANK YOU!" and said half sarcastically "Confidence is mine!"
I wasn't saying thank you for being blessed with survivable looks. I was saying "THAAAAAAANK YOU" for him.

Wess expresses his love in the strangest way - through his sadness. He shows it best that way. In his fear, in his care, he shows it.

The night I was in the ER... I sent Wess a text message. I was laying on the bed thing and knew that cellphones weren't supposed to be on, but the nurse was like 'ehhh, it's fine'. I told him, "I'm in the ER." I waited a few minutes, no response. "Emergency room, bleegh.." still nothing for quite a while. I figured there was faulty connection, and shrugged. I checked about ten, twenty minutes later it vibrated. All it said was "Why?" I told him about it and such, and later on he said he left a message on the cellphone, and to have me call whenever I could to let him know how I was doing. I told my mom to go outside and call him, so she did.
I spent 8 hours there, rest of the night I kept the cellphone off, figuring I shouldn't be breaking rules if I wanted to get well. They stabbed one of my 'wonderful' veins and I took in 3 liters of water-like-substance. It made my arm cold.
I was fairly uncomfortable. My stomach was still killing me, but my fever was slowly fading away. I watched WWII on TV and watched them steal silverware from the Nazi meeting room. "Not every day your girlfriend gets a gift from Hitler!"

Anyway, the night went like that. I had nasty medicines that made me feel terrible right before I left, and regained my fever right when I got home. "great" I thought. I didn't go back though.

I found out last night what Wess had been doing all this time. In tears last night he told me, once he got the text message, without hesitation he went over to his mom's room and cried his eyes out. I figured he'd panic at least slightly, but that? I don't know. He said he didn't know how I was doing, tried to call multiple times, and just didn't know what to expect, what condition I was in, etc etc. He couldn't sleep that night.
Just the thought of anything happening to me makes him sick to his stomach. Just the nightmares he has about me make him cry when he wakes up, and the dreams he has where he can't hold me leave him shaken.
When he told me in depth about this, I was speechless. It was 4 AM too, how would I respond to him..?
It was beautiful.
It's almost sick of me.. but it's beautiful. Can you understand? I've wanted someone to worry about me for all my life. Wanted there to be someone who actually would worry sick about me and actually give a damn when these things happen. Someone who my life means something to. And not just when I'm hurt, not just when I'm sick, not just when you're supposed to.. He can't live without me. And that means so much, and shows so much depth to how much I mean to him.
'I want to be needed' or, I want to be someone's angel, as I say when I get over-emotional.


And now a bitch is staring at me. I finish this entry here.

I've realized...

I -need- to stalk people.
That sounds terrible, no? But I do it all the time. Not like, in real life... ("IRL" sounds too cyber-ish to be used)
In real life I'm p-p-paranoid. They give me a weird look, I get nervous. Wouldn't ever think of that kind of stalking.
I think it's my fascination with secrets. Secrets and the sides I don't usually get to see.
Find myself surfing around, reading, looking about..
I tend to only do it with people know, curious as to who their friends are and what they're thinking. Finding such things is easy with places like blogs, myspace, etc etc.. And all those communities that obviously state who they care about and what their opinions are.
What I find myself doing in my spare time as I sit in my pajamas still a bit queasy from sickness, with Wess going to bed out of both angst and exhaustion.. is seeing what he's said. I like to use it to poke fun at him occasionally, because sometimes he says sarcastic things that I could be offended by if he meant it. Such as.. I went looking at the comments of all the girls he knew, looking at his comments on their pictures. I noticed, that on -any- that showed any bare chest whatsoever (I don't mean chest-chest, I mean literal) he'd say something about their boobs. And with one friend it was her legs he always mentioned. So I gave him a hard time for that.
It's also my way of laughing at how much he worries, because if it was the other way around, heeeeee'd worry a helluva lot. He'd have multiple panic thinking sessions and be convinced after texting all his gal-friends about it that I was going to, whether I particularly wanted to or not, cheat on him.
When I noticed that I mostly just rolled my eyes, and thought to myself, 'shouldn't he kind of be aware that making those jokes would make any normal girlfriend paranoid?'
It still baffles me that he's not clingy. For the amount he worries, he should be clingy. But I guess what he doesn't know doesn't bother him? I just picture him freaking out if he heard I was going to some party at night. Well, he's not that bad, but if there were a lot of cute guys there or any guys I conversed with, sure he'd worry.
I'm the clingy one, he's the worry-wart.

Another reason why the whole boob thing just rolled right off my back.. He gets himself so upset over the idea of not being good enough for me (that sounds so strange to say... 'as if' is all that comes to mind) that I know he wouldn't be serious about any of that stuff. He's not the guy who checks girls out and stuff.. Mostly I've just heard stories of his funny friends dragging him out with them and causing scenes involving that. He's not a huge boob fan anyway.

Speaking of boobs.. Haha. Watching porn with him was funny. Happy 18th to him? I'm wondering how the heck it first came up.. Did he just randomly mention one time the fact that at 3 AM or so there's porn on TV? It's kind of disturbing to hear that in the background of your phone conversation. Funny and gross at the same time. "What're they doing now?" "Two blondes and a redhead having a threesome" "hahaha gross" "Oh ew, her face looks plastic and her boobs are huge" We've had conversations like that. To us porn is mostly a joke. I was icked out to notice that the guys were always so old looking. "Gross, why do they always choose old guys?" "I don't know.."
We questioned why the TV ones bothered trying to have a plot..

After saying that, I'll say, I'm quite pure and demure! Demure is a fun word, I just got the thesaurus for that one. It sounds almost snobby.

... hm. And off subject (doesn't matter, it's my blog).. Eh.. .....
I need to find his shirt, and the letter. Mom cleaned my room whilst I was sick. Maybe I'll write tonight, I seem to be alright for it, unless I burn myself out on this.

From D.A. journal

Finally dragged my ass upstairs to write this, now that I can.
I would've on a laptop, but that hurt my eyes..

Anyway, since Thursday I've been -very- sick. I got sick on Thursday with a... 101 F fever or so? Since I got sick I threw up at least once a day, and I couldn't really eat anything. I took medicine and everything, but my virus was immune to things that would lower my fever.
The doctor said it should be over within 72 hours, but it wasn't.. Went down to 99 then up to 102.9 again.
Sooooo I got to go to the emergency room day before yesterday. They gave me 3 liters of water (er.. water-ish-stuff) through an IV and when I got home, my fever went up again. Fun fun fun.
My fever's finally lowering, but my stomach feels iffy.
I'm annoyed because I've had my two most miserable sicknesses this summer... Bleck.
I better feel better soon, I'll be so pissed off if I get all sick again.

Theadooora

Writing this sitting at a... Windows XP probably, waiting for my next appointment. I'm the assistant who is working with people to teach them how to use a computer if they want to learn. On the first day, four people signed up. One for an hour, the rest half an hour. The first forgot their password, so will be back tomorrow after they call their girlfriend to find it out. Someone should be coming soon..

Search

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Tasty.

This afternoon I received my fiance's 4-month-late Valentine's Day gift.
It was simply splendid.
Currently I'm drinking one of the eight (about) flavors of hot chocolate he sent me. Peppermint. It's really good. The brand is Sunny's Holiday and it's a relative's hot chocolate factory.
I'm scared to try Jalapeno flavored hot chocolate...

I get a wave of fond memories while drinking it. The smell strongly reminds me of my Christmas scratch-and-sniff book I had when I was little. My favorite was the smell of the tree and the smell of the peppermints.. There was also a Raggedy Anne scratch-and-sniff book that had peppermint smell. Anyway, it smells just like this hot chocolate. Like I'm eating the scratch-and-sniff book..... Yum. :P But it's good, very good.
I'm accustomed to adding hot milk instead of hot water to hot chocolate.. (lot of hot) So I'll ask if it works.. I don't want to waste one of three servings on something that doesn't work. I guess it would but I'm going to ask anyway. Because it tastes a little watery. ...It's like flavored water!
Yum. I wonder if Carson would like it too. He might.
The powder is extremely fine and I found even in the closed bag, little spurts of powder would escape when I squeezed. I opened the bag, and to my surprise it was white, not brown. Couldn't help but think 'crack!!'. It turned brown in the water though.
I'm currently wearing the silver locket Wess got me. I'm very happy to. <3 It's beautiful.

I'm tired, don't want to sleep. Guess I'll play some Chibi-Robo and sleep on the couch, or just do it as I sip my hot chocolate.

My Cat is Calling Me

She's telling me to go to bed. Hopped on my lap then on the table, back down. Guess I should be going then hmm?
Hard to decide. Future pet- bunny, ferret, or bunny? Besides the already owned cat.. Hm. (she's coming with me, for sure)
I was grocery shopping and I saw a fake wedding cake.. Made me think, 'wow, I have to choose that too huh'. Maybe I should start mapping out our wedding. Two years early? Hm.. Eh, some things.
I'm really out of shape so I'm going to exercise tomorrow morning (if I wake in time) and drink water, and sorta map out my food. Eh.. Try, try. I figure I may as well make use of my summer break and attempt to get something self-rewarding.

God. I'm so tempted to take a nice long baaaath.. On mom and I's insane 'grab-everything-you-want' grocery trip at 11 PM tonight, I got some nice new bubble bath stuff. And my aunt randomly gave me bath salt while my teeth were pulled; Maybe she didn't want it? She tends to give spare things that she thinks I'd like. Bath stuff.. <3 I like the smells.. The smells are the best. I also love the completely clean feeling you get when you bother to take a while. I'm so inspired to take a bath at 2 AM (now) and clean my room and make everything -fresh-! I guess my mom will be like 'whatever' about it. I'm staying up late anyway so... Wouldn't hurt to make use of it? Ahhh the cleaning spree feeling.
I need to write down a daily 'must do' list so I'll be more responsible. Like my pills, I need to quit forgetting. I forget and take it a bit late, just hours late but still.
Also I need to make that sign up sheet.. For the Theadora where I'll be working.. Mmm.

Day Four Of Hell

Ugh, I'm sick of this.
That's all there is to it. Today at 11:30 I had a doctor appointment. In the waiting room were three old ladies, a 19 year old girl (or so) myself and my mom. I looked through People Magazine for the second or third time in my life in that waiting room. It was a long wait, and for a ridiculously short appointment. All I did was open my mouth, he made sure it was healing right, (about ten second process) and then said have a good summer.
He was old and quite the character. He said that people get their wisdom teeth out early because usually the bone is more flexible, but I had a hard head. With that he said, whatever guy I end up with should watch out. I told Wess this and he said he already noticed.
Current pain level- five out of ten.
The pain killers are sloooooooooowly kicking in. the first two days it was at about 8 or 7. To the point of making you crazy staring at the window waiting for your jaw to stop throbbing.

Last night wasn't very fun, I must say. Wess had a momentary breakdown and I suddenly questioned everything. It wasn't much. Wess just has a lot of friends who are falling apart in some ways right now, so he's really worried. I didn't realize he was upset until I said the wrong things and did the wrong things, so I let him leave.
I was exhausted, worn, and very miserable.
For once, I knew he was crying and didn't call. For once, I thought to myself... 'please, just leave him alone.. please, just don't make it worse..'
Words sting when they're the truth.
I couldn't stand it so I ended up calling after he said he was going to bed in his away message.
He answered his cell, which has next to no signal, so he called me back.
I said I was sorry, and sighed. Mostly silent after that.
He then let out what was bothering him. Lastly he told me what me, his fiance, was doing to make it worse. I took it silently, knowing I deserved it. My mind went to a poem I once heard. "Opening my mouth like a bird to willingly take the poison you believe is yours to administer and mine to take" The words stabbed me on the inside. Truth hurts. Flaws I can't seem to hold back.
I closed my eyes, listening silently. 'anything to make him feel better..' I whispered in my mind.
There was a very long silence after that. I wanted him to say more. To tell me what I did, to make me hurt for it so I would stop..
"I love you" I could hardly hear his voice "what.. did you say something..?" "I said I love you" "..why..?" "What do you mean why? How could you ask why?" "Why do you say this.. why now..?" "Because I do Tanya. Even when I'm annoyed at you, I still love you."

I wanted to cry then. I couldn't. I was too tired, too exhausted. But I just wanted a release. I wanted to cry hard. My breath came out in mock sobs, tearless. "What are you doing..." came his reluctant voice. I said nothing. More long silence, only filled by my breath. "Are you crying..?" Silence, and then "I'm too exhausted to cry". More silence, and then "Equivalent of crying without tears." He sighs at that.
"Tanya.. listen to me.. you're not a bad fiance, you're not a bad girlfriend.."
With this came real tears. Did he read it? Did he? Just an hour before I had written Terrible girlfriend, or should I say, fiance. I won't call myself that until he actually asks. Currently I'm feeling like nothing of the sort.. Just another person adding to the problem. Cried with the words. 'yes I am.. yes I am...' my mind responded. "Please don't cry. You don't need this, you don't need to wake up to even more pain, sobbing will make it worse, please stop crying" 'I don't care' more sobs came with this.
"It's okay.." I just cried harder, pressing my aching face into the blankets on the couch to muffle the sound, tears leaking from the corners of my eyes, hiccuping on choked back sobs.
"Am I not still here Tanya? Did I not say I would go through -anything- for you? I'm not going to leave you. Yes I get annoyed at you, yes I get pissed at you sometimes, but it doesn't make me love you any less. I don't love you any less" Course, at this point, it didn't matter what he said, I'd continue crying. "I'm here Tanya.. please stop crying.." More sobbing. "Tanya, I'm begging you, please stop.. Please calm down.." At the time, I could care less if he begged or got on his knees to make me stop crying. Crying was all I wanted to do. "Take deep breathes... calm down.. I'm here.."
Eventually it died down, though the occasional shudder of a sob would leak through.
I stopped, wiping my eyes and nose.
"Please talk to me.."
"What do you want to know.....?"
"Well gosh.. you just spent.. what.. more than 20, no 30 minutes crying, there must be something going through your head.."
I sighed. "Which? What I was thinking then or now?"
"Both... then and now.. I just want to know, what's going through your head.."
Silence.
"Please tell me.."
Again I sighed, trying to sort my thoughts in my head.
"I'll tell you" "mmkay.." "Just... don't say anything..." "Okay" "not until I finish....."
So I took a deep breath, and after a long pause, I slowly explained everything that was plaguing me. How I was disgusted at myself, how I felt like a terrible girlfriend for the way I act.
I told him how I wished I could just leave him alone for a day, how for some reason I can't stand not knowing where he is or what he's doing. How I hated how I nag him about things, how I miss him constantly. I said that I can't stop thinking about him, that I obsess over him, and I wish I'd just let him have a life. That I feel like I'm dragging him here to talk to me, that I feel like I'm a burden. How I'm upset that I can't help him more. How I wish I wasn't so obsessively intimate, how I can't stop thinking about his touch and what it was like to hold him. How I couldn't even before I met him. I told him I think about it every day and I yearn for it every day, that if I had the choice I would keep him on the phone every night to fall asleep with him, just so I could have the illusion of being by his side. How I want to wake him from his nightmares and want to fall asleep on the phone with him, or simply listen to his sleep. How I feel stupid and selfish with how I want him to be with me constantly. How I wish I could go everywhere with him, and don't want to ever let go. How I feel like such a burden to him. That I can't stop, wish I could, can't, can't stop thinking can't stop wanting and can't stop the need to be with him every moment of the day.

I sighed and with that finished.

He then told me..
I know what I'm saying now, and I know how it sounds and what it means, but I mean every word of it... .I don't care. I don't care that you're so attached, I don't care that you nag, I don't care about any of that. I don't want you to change. I've come to terms with all of that. I've come to terms that you probably won't ever be able to change any of it.. and I don't care.
I don't want you to be less attached.. I don't want you to talk to me less. Do you think I'm on the phone with you all night not wanting to fall asleep with you? I could just as easily say 'I have to go to bed, goodnight', but I stay. I -want- to do that with you, and I want to talk to you that much. You're not a burden.. Ask anyone and they'd say I'm happy to be with you. You make me happy.. It's all worth it, for the times we smile and laugh together.
When I talk to you, I don't talk to anyone else.. If anyone else talks to me, I don't say much. I put all my energy into talking to you because I want to give you the most thoughtful answers and to pay the most attention to you. I don't want to talk to anyone else as much as I want to with you.
I need you in my life Tanya.. I need you. I don't know what I'd do without you.. (at this point, his voice strains, like he's about to cry) I honestly think I'd die without you! How could you think I could leave... I told you.. I promised, although maybe not so obviously as you did, I'm not going to leave.. Not until you do.. I don't care what you do, I don't care how much we fight, I'll move on and I'll always forgive you. And I'll always love you. I don't want you to change.. I don't want you to make those things go away. I want you to be you Tanya.. I want you to remain you, who I fell in love with. All I ask is for you to... To put it simply, not be a bitch when things don't go your way, when I can't do things and when things don't work.. I don't care about the rest... And even if you can't change that, I'll always stay....

With the long string of spilling emotions finished, I whispered "I'm sorry.."
"Your forgiven baby" he said "I love you, with all my heart"
"I love you too.. more than anything

So if I had doubted how long he could stand me, how long he could stand my whining and bitching and impatience, there's my answer..

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, you know? It's so true. So true.
With our fights and breakdowns I just learn even more of how much he loves me and how much I love him, and we somehow allow ourselves to get closer as we smooth the wrinkles in our relationship.

Still engaged, without hesitation.

I'm always afraid he won't forgive me, that I truly hurt him bad by not being reliable or not being good enough.. But he continues to prove he loves me just as I am. He continues to forgive my dumb mistakes and continues to comfort me even when I pissed him off just hours before.
It's amazing, and strange...

Such stories come from this.

Oh, by the way, he's finally sending my Valentine. Four and a half months late, hahahha. Gawd. I sent mine about two months late, so I'm not one to make it look that terrible. But goodness, considering I've only been with him about 7 months, 4 months of putting off a Valentine is quite a while.

Honestly, I don't really care if it sucks, I'm just glad to finally get it. And I love getting things from him. <3

I found it sweet when a few days ago on webcam (HE FINALLY SET ONE UP!!!) he held up the photograph I mailed him. I mailed him a picture of me at 7, with a puffy winter coat and long ratty hair with a poka-dotted dress running with her arms extended wide towards the person with the camera, no doubt my grandma. I wrote on the back 'this will be how I will be when I see you again'

Anyway, quite the long story. I'm done finally.
I guess I should sleep huh.
My daily life can be quite the mess of an adventure. Wess noted, every fight and every little kink in our relationship has always started and ended the night it happens. This I find to be a good thing.

Regards to anyone who reads all of this.
-Tanya.