Fate

I said fate was cruel, but what I didn't know before was, fate was right. The times in the past when I thought I was in love, it kept them from coming here. I'm glad.
I now thank fate for causing Wess to be busy on my birthday, unable to visit... Because now comes the possibility of him visiting at a much better time.

So now, fate, I ask of you this.
If it's true, if it's meant to be.. Please let this work. Please give it a chance..
I've waited a long time on this one dream. I'm hoping I've finally got the right idea, that I'm finally right.
If this is right for me, let it work.. Please.

Always

I fell asleep listening to the song Always by Blink 182 last night, I had it set on repeat. "Let me hold you, touch you, feel you, always. Kiss you, taste you, all night, always" Wess said it reminds him of me. He was singing it on the phone. We spent most of our time on the phone singing for fun. On the phone for like five hours, haha.
I get upset when he acts like his writings are crap and like everything everyone says negative about him and his works are true... Was enough to get me queasy yesterday. *shakes head*
He refuses to let me pay for any of the plane ticket. He's working at a fairly crappy job for eight hours a day to earn money to see me. I have about 200 dollars in my bank so it's annoying that he won't let me pay even half. He won't let me pay anything at all. I'm wondering if he can really earn 400+ in three weeks.
He said he kisses my locket a lot, haha. I find that really cute.
I love him so very much.. More than I've ever loved anyone before.
I miss him this morning.

Interesting

In the last week, my 'self mutilation' has increased about double. By mutilation I mean scratching my face to a pulp. Why? Hell if I know. But I currently have on four bandaids in hopes to keep my fingers away from my face acne and flaws so I won't make it worse.
Is it because I'm nervous..?
I'm not really sure. When I do it I'm nervous usually. When I think and get nervous. Maybe I'm nervous I'm not pretty enough? Funny how what I do when I'm nervous just increases this. Makes me look ten times worse, red blotched and gross. *sigh*
I wish I could stop.
I'm attempting to keep myself from this, gotta make good habits. Wash face, apply bandaids, make it so I can't cause any more harm.

I have to stop if I seriously don't want to be ugly when I meet him. I don't want to be covered in bandaids and blotched. So I'll let that inspire me to not even reach up to my face. .....
*sigh*

Anyone who hurts my Wess will pay.

I'm sure if I told myself heaven was just around the corner when I was as I used to be, I wouldn't believe it could ever be like this.. I'm sure I'd never think I'd find him.. And I'm sure if it was recent enough, I would be shocked to find who he was.

A smile for the most trustworthy, the most true, the most honest. What he says he means...
He is like me. I would never betray him, never hurt him, never disappear. So I can believe the same for him.
I suppose I am just trying to purge out any subconscious fears.
I trust you. Now I just have to get ahold of that occasional annoyance at blabby girls and cutesy names that are MINE being used.
But I really don't have to worry.

He loves me.
Absorb that, remember that, let that sink in.

He says it every day. He means it every day. And that is something no one else has done.

23 more days...

Why She Doesn't Deserve You

She’s had sex enough. She’s fooled around, played with hearts broken hearts and tested her luck. She’s done all the things you shouldn’t do and she broke her own promises.
She doesn’t ever deserve what I do. No no. Not my half, never. She doesn’t deserve to take away my only happiness. The happiness I earned slowly through pain slowly back to smiles. She can have anyone else. But it’s my turn, my turn, for once. Give me a chance. I’m innocent, I’m kind, I’ve never done it I don’t drink I don’t party I’m a good person in general. I’m no dater. But I found the one I want. The one I love. The one exactly like me. So she will never, ever, take him away from me.
Don’t miss him like I miss him. Don’t need him like I need him. Because he’s mine. And if you want him, you can never have him. The only reason the good guys are always taken is because you’re too slow to find anyone based off anything but sex appeal.
Sex. It’s all sex sex sex. Course it’s on my mind, but I didn’t ever fall for you for that. I fell for everything but that. Remember, you said “gushing isn’t our thing”. It is now, but it wasn’t then. And then is when I fell in love with you. Before we were so sweet to eachother, before we grew intamacy. Just you alone was enough.
Don’t need him. Don’t need to talk to him. Don’t miss him. Because I miss him always, and I’ll be selfish, and every time he’s around you I won’t want him to, because I want him to be with me instead. Because I miss him. Don’t miss him. I love him. A lot more than you would ever.
Don’t steal the only smile I have. Don’t steal it for someone you’ll just try on and get bored of after some time. Go fuck someone else.

You’ll never deserve him. Keep your feelings inside and let them rot with each passing day until they are gone.

Don’t you dare call him sweetie. Don’t say you miss him..
It makes me want to scream.

Wess appears just when I need him. : )

Nothing makes me jump, both started and overjoyed, more than seeing the little sleeping face pop to a yellow smilie face under xxinaay-ennn-el-hombreee on Yahoo. Just looking at a picture I took of the computer screen with him available gives me the same anticipating feeling.

Alex is harassing me because I'm blogging. And because I'm going to Sakura-Con. And saying I'm pointing a camera at my face when I was moving a piece of paper. And he's harassing me about blogging again. "Blogging in my skin... These HTML tags do not woork.."
Ass.

"Whatcha blogging about? Blogging about your great day without your brother?"

No. I had a terrible day with OR without him.
Everyone said the WASL was easy. For some reason, it was hard for me.... Great. Even the stupid people said it was easy. Worse, they said it was fun. I had trouble and couldn't understand what they were asking for. The answers didn't seem to match right, none of the multiple choice ones seemed quite right... *sigh* Why..
I feel stupid now. Because supposedly I'm smart yet I'm the only one who said the WASL reading section was difficult....

Wess.. I miss you. Gloomy, I need a hug. I feel stupid.

Theory of Love

People who are meant for each other possess many similar features because upon their creation their soul was split in half to make two. The two halves are sent and born on Earth apart, in different bodies. They may be close, far, sometimes impossible to find. When the two find each other they feel the need to constantly be connected (holding hands, hugging, etc) because it gives them the comfort they had before being sent to the world and getting lost.. linking their souls once again. As a whole instead of a half they can live on, living life happily and enjoying what was once a hell, moving forward freely.. Until they come together, they'll feel a pull, a need, an incompleteness.. Which is their soul looking for its other half. It takes some attempts to find the right one, because connections can easily be mistaken.. A close match can serve as simple satisfaction, reducing the pull and need to search, with the idea that what was searched for is found. But when you find the other half, you know. Those who feel no pull to find their other half have entered this world in acceptance of their other half being gone. But us, romantics, continue searching. And that explains love.

Angstmuffin, Preteen years, Cheesy Romances

Well well well... What do we have here..
An angst muffin you say?

I stole Mayre's term. Where the hell did you come up with angst muffin Mayre? And is it one word or two?

Anyways, I'm being an angst muffin. Under my definition, I'm being full of angst and for no specific reason that I know of. Or for a reason that doesn't have very much relevance, yet I'm still angstin'.
Angst angst angst anngst.

*waves arms around in a mad panic as seen in anime and manga as a cloud of dust and lines and circles to show the motion of hands*
Ahhh~!!!!

AHHHH! WAHHH!

Oh wait a second. So that last time when I was PMSing.. Wasn't really PMSing..? Oh great. Well well, I'm late, so therefore this is probably PMS. Whoo, it's my new angst excuse. Ah hell if I know what's really PMS. I just guess when I get really angsty for no reason that it could be it.

Wess Wess Wess.. *says in Lum's voice*- "Daaaaaarliiing!"
I just watched the second Urusai Yatsura movie. Pardon if that's spelled wrong.
Ataru is such a bastard, jeezus. Poor Lum.

Makes me appreciate for once not chasing stubbornly after someone who is like 'nuuuuuuu~!' when it comes to love. *exasperated sigh*

Well well, third guy, I guess it's not so bad. Technically Wess is my first boyfriend, and technically I've never dated in my life. Untechnically I've gotten so close to two guys that I really wanted to be their girlfriend but they said 'uh... I don't know.. I have to think about it'... AKA, no. -__-
Well, I'm glad I didn't end up with either of them.. Because thinking about it now, that would have sucked ass.

You wonder, after two miserable failed long-distance- online even, relationships, I'd know not to start another one. Nope nope. So you wonder if I'm being really dumb by doing it again. It's hard to say. I'll find out soon whether this is hopeful or hopeless.

It's so ironic..... After the first.. or was it second..? I said to myself "oh god, I'm never meeting guys on the internet again. It was nice but ended up a disaster" >__>;
Well if this succeeds, then joy for my rebellion.

The thing is, this is a hell of a lot less forced. I was stupid before, pushing it too much. Course they were so extremely and sickeningly vague, and for that reason I had no 'no, I will never be with you' to work off. All I knew is 'maybe after some time he could say yes' sort of thing. With Wess, I asked him and he said "yes." That was it. Kaboom, winner. We were already close.. Was helping him with all his issues and being the shoulder to cry on, that sort of thing. I never did mind. If I can help someone, I sure will.. I like to, never find anyone who I can really help.
He has trouble trusting people, terrible trust issues, yet he trusted me.. I found that interesting. He would show me anything personal so I could give him advice and help.. He would trust me with a lot of things that could be misused or spread around..

I'm surprised he said yes so quick though. Just after he had been hurt too.. Strange how he's so willing to fall into it. Wasn't desperation though, because he asked me worriedly if I was asking it under influence of losing someone close (we both had)..

Ah ah.. I'll quit rambling.
--



I think I'm having jitters about Wess visiting. Not so much him visiting, but the chance that something will get in the way! I'm dying to see him. Just dying to. I'm afraid that something will stop it from happening. ... ugh deja vu. Him (another him) earning money, I wonder if he really did? Because he really had no intention of really coming to see me.
I know Wess does though... Just whether he can succeed in it or not, I don't know.
I talked to him on the phone a bit absentmindedly. He said not to worry about it, just be excited for the chance of it happening and don't think about it not. My only fear is disappointment. I'd rather see him and it be awkward as hell then to not see him at all.. I really want to meet him. I want a dream of mine to become real.

Meeting in the airport. I've thought about this for how many years now? My image of who I was to meet was vague but I knew I wanted to. I wanted to run up and hug the person who's been missing from my life so long.

Wonder why.. As a kid and preteen I kinda daydreamed about my 'true love' popping out of nowhere and telling of his love of me *laughing* that's so cheesy to picture, but of course I daydreamed that.
Did you know I read my entire preteen journal to Wess over the phone? It was the most horrifyingly hilarious thing ever. We were both cracking up because I was so cheesy it was both sad and funny. I remember writing it so it scares me, because it's so.. so.. ..... bad. So bad so cliche soo horrible. Me giggling like a little teenager. "Hehehhehe George.. (guy from a book). Hehehee, he's so hawt. Hehehe, boys. Heehehe." ... That's my journal basically.
I even copied down kissing scenes from books I liked because I was so pathetically romantic and obsessed. .....But honestly, I'm still that way. Which is sad. What was more funny is that about four or five crushes are written in there... And they're about.. three pages apart. It says "He's so cute, I want to talk to him" then three pages later "I hate him, he's a loser" Makes me laugh now.
Anyway, since I was young I've wanted some cute guy to burst through my door, go "I love you with all my heart Tanya, I've been watching you everyday from a distance secretly falling for you and -blah blah blah" and then kissing me or something.
So I guess that's why the daydream I've gotten through long-distance relationships is so strong in my head...

Okay, comparison.. Daydream was of some stranger to fall for me and 'sweep me off my feet' like in the fairytale books and say that he loves me blah blah blah..
Well well.. Wess is technically a stranger, in a way. Yet he loves me with all his heart. And when we meet, we will meet in such a sudden and dramatic way. (*cracks up to self*) And and.. Sorry I can just see it like a dramatic movie in my head. (*laughs more*)
Draamaaaa~
I shall simulate our dramatic meeting in 20x cheesiness (or so). Very briefly and very roughly.

Tanya stands in the crowd of people in the airport, with a cheesy nervous look on her face. She wrings her hands wordlessly, staring at the crowd. As the crowd thins, she gets an anxious look on her face, looking back and forth for her love. She stares at the door, still waiting for her dear Wess to come out.. But sees no one. She sighs, her head bowing and eyes staring down at the floor, disappointed and sad. She clutches to her bag with both hands, and then swiftly turns on her heel and slowly starts walking off, a single tear trailing from her eyes.
Lost in thought she doesn't see the large figure in a black trenchcoat step away from the crowd to sift slowly towards her and then behind her.
She feels a hand on her shoulder; her eyes go wide in surprise and she jerks around, staring, afraid, at the looming figure now in front of her.
The figure, a young man, places his other hand gently on her shoulder. She stares at him still, and she sees a large grin beneath his messy black hair that hangs to his shoulders, and his eyes shine beneath his black-rimmed glasses.
"Hey GI Jane, guess who?"
She laughs in surprise and relief as she hears a most familiar and comforting voice.
"Wess.. Jeezus, you scared the shit out of me"
"Well, I'll make it up to you" Wess says, raising his eyebrows, his grin widening. He pulls Tanya into a hug.
"Bear hug!" Tanya exclaims quietly, giggling under her breath. "I've been waiting to feel one of those" He laughs
Silliness subsiding, Wess holds her for a long time, slowly swaying them from side to side, like slowdancing in the middle of an airport. She smiles big, burying her face into his chest, swaying with him. And then~~ *romance romance romance*

/end of story

There we are, cheesy cheesy. Second half seemed a bit more realistic, considering that's more of how we talk.
What's really funny is he has a trenchcoat.. and he's super looming. At least from what I imagine. I mean he's 6 foot somethin'. And he has long-ish black hair <3 Oh yes.

Anyway, that's the cheesy daydream I have, minus a tiny bit of cheesiness and plus more romance. Hoho.

30 days till we meet.

Anyway, I think I was an angstmuffin because I was worrying more than enjoying the thought. And also Wess will be gone two or three days because he's going back to SC to move with his family to CA. He's in New York now. Basically he was on his own for about a month or so and then his family came to visit, help him pack, and is bringing him to SC to pack up there and move to a place in Cali. Yeaah. Like moving twice in a way. But he was just staying in an apartment in NY with some relatives for a bit.

Three days without Wess is making me go "Oh my god! Ahhhh!" because I'm thaat attached. He said to me on the phone "You'll live" and I said "No I won't!" he says "you did last time" and I say "SO??"
Haha.

Still makes me smile to know he always wears my locket I gave him.

Anyways, yeah, I obviously needed to ramble out some thoughts. There ya go. Bye bye.

Swollen Eyes

She stared.
"Your eyes look puffy, swollen"
I yawned and replied "eh, I think it's from sleeping.. in the morning they're puffy.."
Mom says "yeah, my eyes get like that too, it'll probably go away later"
I wander to a mirror, where I look and they indeed are. I touch them lightly with my fingertips, and then know why it was so hard to open my eyes that morning.
Upon staring in the mirror, I remembered. I had been crying all the night before. "oh.." And there went the theory of swollen eyes in the morning.

My Exact Thoughts in the Bathroom

"As she looked down at her leg, she noted her skin was chapped in such a way that it looked like a phallic symbol. It was small and otherwise completely unnoticeable, if not the current circumstance. Very small, about a fourth of her pinky-nail. She rubbed at it and it seemed gone."
---

"Why god why? Why did this happen?"
Another figure comes from the shadows, standing to the side of the sobbing man "...Because your family was at the wrong place at the wrong time"
The crying man kneels wordless, wringing his hands before his despair leads him to more questions "Why oh why? Why my family? My family? Why did they have to die?? Why!?"
The figure in the darkness replies "..Because your family chose to walk through what was then called a battlefield, a place so violent and so dangerous that a cat walking alone would fear for its life"
"WHY did they have to walk there? Why?"
The figure in the darkness shakes his head "They thought that was the best way home."
"WHY didn't God stop this from happening? Why didn't he??"
The figure laughs quietly "IT, for one, could not change the will of your family. He was sitting by the side watching closely, as a child would an ant farm, watching a few die.. It acknowledges your loss and feels for you, but nothing It can do will help. It mourns for the deaths as a child would for those ants, as It is much like a child.. It is unlike an adult who wouldn't mourn those deaths. It is unlike those who will watch it on the news tonight with so little remorse"
"HOW could you speak like this? Like nothing could be done?"
"Nothing could be, and that is that"
"WHY do you say such things? Does your cruelty have no end to its length?"
"All I've told you, my friend, is the truth.. The truth hurts, no?"
----

"I'm sorry I'm not prettier.. you deserve prettier"
"What? You are pretty"
"Sweet of you to say but I disagree.. Look closely, could you? The details. The details you haven't seen until now.."
"I see the details, and you're pretty"
"Okay.. If you say so.."
----

Upon looking in the mirror

"When I subconsciously think I'm ugly I subconsciously tear my face apart."

Hm.. for some reason I feel really down right now. Not sure why. I just get this really empty feeling. It's dark and I feel like I have a lot to worry about yet nothing to do. Just kinda a cold lonesome feeling.
Because my nympho hasn't been indulged? Haha. Well nothing fails to cheer me up like that does I admit.
Don't know. I guess it's just that tired feeling. You don't want to do anything but you want to just do something.. Something that doesn't have a lot of thinking involved but is fun and will make you smile. Can't really think of anything like that right now.
Bleh. Just bleh.
Bye. Maybe I'll eat cookies or something.

(from my DA journal)

I just received the best news ever. The best news ever...
Weston.. The guy I'm in love with.. Is coming to visit.. April 10th.. Oh.. my.. god.
I'm so happy.
I can hug him and hold him and kiss him and cuddle and laugh with him and we'll be dorks together.. singing obnoxiously:

"We got together like ramalamalama iidangidangada.. Remember forever, a shooapshooap boopibiboopti wa.. Chang chang, changitychangchubop, that's the way it should beeee! Wooooah yeah!"

*laughs*
I'm meeting the boy I love. .. wow. The guy who loves me a crapload. God I am SO happy. Happy happy happy.
32 days until I meet him for the first time.
Talked on the phone with him.. I'm so excited.

*giggles immaturely* he said 'I love you too baby' before hanging up. Heeheheh. XD Sorry, I'm elated as hell.

Funny how my life works this way.. It goes to hell for a week or two, and then turns around and becomes the best time of my life.
Last night I was crying my eyes out. Because I was a complete idiot and said things I didn't want to say, and I didn't realize it until it was too late. Terrible.. I'm sure anyone who I ever attempted a relationship with would know how I am sometimes. A selfish, immature bitch. Yeah I get that way.. I don't realize how I sound until it's all laid out in front of me, and at that point I realize 'shit. no.'
I hadn't cried in months and months, and even then the tears weren't coming although I really wanted to cry. I was so upset with myself. Just wanted to take absolutely everything back and hurt no one but myself. Upon him ditching me to take a shower because I hurt him, I swore to myself for a good ten minutes and then dialed his number. I listened to his ringtone and waited for the familiar sound of the message machine. My mind had gone completely blank with despair to what I would say and do when the message machine came on, but I had to say something more.
I was surprised and startled to here the ringing stop and hear his voice, and a lot less low and harsh than I expected.. 'hello?' he said like any normal person, when the most I expected was a pained silence or short harsh words.
"Wess...." I whispered, voice wavering. I choked on my words and the tears finally started pouring out, and I didn't speak. "Tanya.." he said quietly, sighing "..are you crying?" Sobbing now, I managed a "Yes-". "Baby.. it's okay.. shh shh shh..." I continued crying uncontrollably. Something along the lines of this was said. "What happened to 'people make mistakes'? We all make mistakes, you're only human" "I don't care I don't care I hate it I hurt you and-... I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry.." "I've forgiven you, okay? I love you, I'm not leaving you" "I wish I could just shut up.. Just shut the fuck up.. I don't know to until it's too late and I've said everything I don't want to" silence and then more of me crying "Yes you can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but everyone is. Every relationship has times when we're stupid because we care so much about each other. Yes you can be, but behind that you're the most wonderful girl I've ever met. You make me happy, Tanya. You make me happier than I've ever been." (and more muffled crying) "I don't care.. I'm just so.. I'm sorry.. I wish I could be perfect for you" "I don't want you to be perfect. I love you just as you are and don't want you to change. And I've forgiven you." "You shouldn't..."
This goes on for quite some time, I'm crying at least ten or fifteen minutes straight, and for some time he just goes silent with an occasional comforting word.
After I finally stopped crying and got a hold of myself we talked, and by the end hours later I was laughing.
"why did you answer the phone...? You sounded so.. so... I don't know.. you just said what you did and left.. I didn't expect you to answer it.." I said to him quietly, after my tears had subsided "Well.. I was out getting clothes for the shower, and then the phone rang and I saw that it was you, so I couldn't not answer... I wanted to check to see if you were okay" "Even though you were pissed off at me?" "Yes" "Weird.." "It's called love dear" "Well it's new to me.." "I know."

After I had calmed down and figured out why I got so upset at him and understood where I had warped things in my head, relief came in a wave and it became a sort of thing you laugh and shake your head at, thinking 'jeez, all that because of that'
Shows he truly loves me, to be concerned and comforting even when he had just gotten pissed at me.
After that it was the sort of time when you've plagued over something for a long time, and then suddenly you ask what to do and why and what, and it all makes sense, so you say "okay.......- okay..." and everything is over.
With the absence of all my fears all at once, I felt an extreme closeness to him. Unlike all others I had been 'with', he had forgiven me without the grudge that I am so used to receiving for my stupid mistakes.
He said I had been acting different since the time he fell a bit apart. When I told him why is when my words were too much, when my misunderstandings caused what lead to me sobbing to him over the phone. Now that I was lifted from what had been making me unhappy, the belief that I would never be able to lift him from the depressed time he had been going through, I could once more laugh and smile and be dorky with him.. Just be as I usually was. As was he.

Today I heard that tomorrow my brother is coming home. I realized, spring break is a long way away.. So I wondered, wait a second, he's not here during spring break? That was one of the reasons I wanted Wess to visit in the summer instead of the spring. I realized.. Maybe he can come. Then I was reminded that I was getting six teeth pulled that week. So I'd be laid up and miserable. With the realization that a stupid appointment was all that was keeping me from meeting Wess, I begged to my mom to reschedule.
She did... And now it's saved for June.

Wess said to me on the phone after I left him a message of how he might be able to come and he later responded that he'd ask his mom about it.. "Looks like I'm coming then"
Jump for joy my darling boy is coming to see me.

Things always seem to make a lot more sense when said aloud. It was so simple, such a simple confusion that had me freaked out. It was said so simply that it was funny. Something I had somehow managed to miss through the typing of hands and text on a screen. His voice tells me what I've overlooked, and to speak allows me to express it all so much more clearly.
I can say 'fuck fuck fuck' all I want there and I can say 'I'm so sorry', but until he hears my voice and hears the emotion behind it, it means so very little.
I didn't even know I was upset enough to cry that much.

Anyway, life has jumped from dark to light.
I feel light with happiness now.
I get to see him.....

I'm going to take a million pictures of us.
And jeezus, I have a buzzcut. Great. But he said it looks awesome or something, and said again today when I expressed my annoyance at cutting my hair when he was coming so soon. "I want to look more like myself when I meet you" "You do look like yourself, you're a freak" that made me laugh.

I said to him.. "wouldn't it be funny if you had really long hair and I had my buzzcut again when we met..." I didn't know that would be true.

He wears the locket I gave him always, never takes it off..

We're such a funky couple.... And that's fun.

We're going to cuddle up every night, we're going to watch movies and be retarded together. I can't wait.
32 days until I see him.... Gosh...

Cried my eyes out on the phone with Wess.

So now I feel better.

Depression tastes like fear
like held in breathes
like battered words
like salt
like water
like a too familiar tear
Depression tastes like pain
sunk in scars
sunk in lies
sunk in words
sunk in cries..

Take the rainclouds away
and hide them behind the trees
take the darkness and white
and paint it blue today
please let me through
these darkened eyes
that color the world cold
please paint the sky blue
please sun, shine through
and pierce this shroud
of dark, that swallows the light
I want some warmth tonight
but no amount of heat
can sink through these cold
shaking hands
that hold to, in
desperation
what's still so far
so beyond my reach
that hold, please
consultation
of what is yet to speak

all the smiles have seeped out
sinked out
drown like ink,
faded blue
this familiar hue..
faded blue, faded blue..
remember you..
down with the scratch of quill
messily in scream
tell me, oh, something..
what was then
is gone
drowned inked pen
another faded,
smeared
tear-soaked page
of what I feel today

Ugh

I suddenly have had an intense wave of fear hit me, a fear of losing Wess.
I just feel sick to the stomach.

I left him yet another message on his phone, and I admit I felt I would soon cry or something, because I could hear how down my voice sounded. Just knowing that I'm sad makes me feel like crying for some reason. Just because I realize how deep the feeling runs, when it was unapparent until my feelings came out from beneath the surface, through my voice, that which wavers slightly as I speak.
His depressed absence today just adds fuel to the nausea I feel.
He's not here to tell me otherwise, so I have a lot of time to ponder on the possibilities.

Please don't fall for your best friend. God please don't. Ever.
Because I said I would never break your heart, never break mine. Because believe it or not, it would have just as much of an impact on me as it would on you.

I did imply the high possibility of suicide at the loss of him, at some point. Or, no, not at the loss of him... To seeing myself lose him to someone else. That would kill me. To be not good enough, to the one who loves me more than anyone ever has.

He loves me. He says it every day. And I don't always say it first. He's no liar, he's the most dreadfully honest I've met in a while. But "I love you" is without definition. We can only wonder the depth until shown, and I cannot be shown until the length of being with him is about doubled. AKA, I meet him in person in about three months, if nothing gets in the way.
(oh, something always always gets in the way)
*chuckles to self*
If you'd give 'anything' to kiss me, then you sure as hell better not go to Ireland on the same date as we planned to meet.

Anyways, I feel shitty. Night time, always brings some form of gloom when I'm mentally exhausted.
Bye until I feel better.

Better

Things are doing a bit better, I mean, in general things aren't bad. He's eating again and sleeping a bit, so I feel at least a bit better.

Sheesh, Wess. He uncovers things I don't really know about myself, or just haven't noticed.
"So a bisexual a nympho (to a point), AND A RAGING PERVERT"

I guess I'm bisexual then? Am I? It's hard to say. I have a great interest in dragqueens and I like guys who are feminine.. I don't know if I am because I have yet to see a girl whom I would ever date. I have yet to see a girl who I believe is pretty.. And most guys I don't think are cute either. Have you ever seen Dir En Grey? They're a Japanese group of guys that look exactly like girls. Yet I find them hot as hell. And the fact that they're guys just enhances that. And I like guys with long dark hair <3. I'm an odd one.

As for nympho.. Yes and no. I'm a total nympho if it's everything but sex. Excessive desire 24/7 to cuddle kiss hug etc. Mostly those three things.

Snuggling/kissing/being silly with Wess is super fun. Even if it is just through text. Sorta been a while. We're both silly and romantic so it's fun and amusing.
Such as~

-he smiles lightly, leaning forward and whispering back 'I love you too Tanya, so very much' his arms reach up and wrap around you and he grins stupidly 'bear hug, rawr'-
*she laughs and sticks her tongue out, kissing you lightly*
*'my big cuddly bear <3' she says with a laugh and a grin*
-he kisses back gently before laughing, shaking his head lightly before opening his eyes to look at you-
*she looks back, still grinning, asking innocently 'whaaddaya lookin' at?'*
-he says with a straight face 'could be your eyes, could be your lips, could be your nose...' his eyes motion upward then back down to your eyes 'could be your haircut Jane' he laughs lightly, smiling at you widely with a look of "haha, I'm a smartass" across his face-
*she laughs and shakes her head slightly, 'well I hope you're not staring at me just cuz the haircut' she makes a face*

-his eyes look back down into yours and he smiles 'hi'-
'hi ^ ^'
-he leans down and kisses your nose-
*she leans up and returns the favor, running her tongue along the bridge of your nose with a laugh*
-he laughs before leaning down and licking from the tip of your nose up to your forehead-
*she laughs some more, making a face at you*

Silly romanticness. <3
Very nice very nice.

But he was cruel and decided to leave just when things were getting fun, to go get out 'before the night dies'.
Yeah I'm totally going to see him when he gets back. :P Hahah.