In pain in a number of ways.. But it always feels better to be clean.
Terrible girlfriend, or should I say, fiance. I won't call myself that until he actually asks. Currently I'm feeling like nothing of the sort.. Just another person adding to the problem.
My stomach is sick. I feel miserable. The pain alone is enough.
Mom kept on staring at me as I walked through the kitchen. "What?" "You just look so sad, so weak.." "What do you expect? I can't even eat.."
That's my excuse. I'm surprised that through these puffed cheeks emotion is still able to be read.
I can't take pain medicine till I eat. And the thought of eating anything right now makes me sick. Torture either way. Either my stomach or my face.. Currently, it's both.
The thought of him sobbing almost drove me to letting go of my 'leave it alone.. let it alone.. leave him alone..' stance, but I have no energy left and what can I say to him? 'It'll be okay'? What will be okay?
It hurts to move my mouth. I tried to call him anyway, yesterday, the day before, the day before.
Pain, more pain. Quite endless... Mental pain, physical pain, mental pain, physical pain.
My face is bruising. A disgusting yellow tint staining my jawline. Bruised apple, best way to describe.
I feel like drawing sad things..
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Saturday, June 17, 2006
A Girl Engaged
A ring on my finger
a cloud in my hands
a smile on my face
who could understand?
My life is rendered, melted down to joy
my pain obsolete, tears now dry
Your ring, my hand..
My life, my heart,
my future, I part
to him still a boy
With these rings
I beg for your your smile
for every sorrow to be mine
to hold and sweep
into my arms,
and for every tear you’ve shed,
I promise to make you smile..
For each day to take you awake
to reluctantly let you on your way
with slipped heart kiss
and to sing you to sleep,
with this voice, your lullaby
and hold you as we dream..
My eyes are yours to swim
my mouth, your sanctuary
from any hurt, dare it may..
I’ll fight back your shadows,
I’ll cuss out the past
My eyes soft knives
my words administering
to make right of wrong
to what you believed
was your poison to take..
I pray to coax out the smiles
if not, take mine, wide for us both
And I swear I heard your eyes laugh
from the corner of my mouth..
And what words but..
“I love you...” and “I do..”
could ever ring so true
To speak the side of me
you’ve glanced, not seen
Bubbled in sighs,
but strong to scream
Spreading throughout me,
soft like a dream..
What but ‘surreal..’
what but ‘unbelievable’
what but ‘unreal’
could this all be...
You and me..
a cloud in my hands
a smile on my face
who could understand?
My life is rendered, melted down to joy
my pain obsolete, tears now dry
Your ring, my hand..
My life, my heart,
my future, I part
to him still a boy
With these rings
I beg for your your smile
for every sorrow to be mine
to hold and sweep
into my arms,
and for every tear you’ve shed,
I promise to make you smile..
For each day to take you awake
to reluctantly let you on your way
with slipped heart kiss
and to sing you to sleep,
with this voice, your lullaby
and hold you as we dream..
My eyes are yours to swim
my mouth, your sanctuary
from any hurt, dare it may..
I’ll fight back your shadows,
I’ll cuss out the past
My eyes soft knives
my words administering
to make right of wrong
to what you believed
was your poison to take..
I pray to coax out the smiles
if not, take mine, wide for us both
And I swear I heard your eyes laugh
from the corner of my mouth..
And what words but..
“I love you...” and “I do..”
could ever ring so true
To speak the side of me
you’ve glanced, not seen
Bubbled in sighs,
but strong to scream
Spreading throughout me,
soft like a dream..
What but ‘surreal..’
what but ‘unbelievable’
what but ‘unreal’
could this all be...
You and me..
Sunday, May 28, 2006
In My Arms
Fallen behind
what once was mine
Smile, bittersweet memory
Keeping within, I've tried to pretend
it was once a sweet melody
Behind my eyes
are roses and storms
behind yours,
are sticks and stones
I've kept you soft embraced
through every thorn
And as it tears through
I'll keep you still in my arms
I'll keep you still in my arms...
I know I'm not right,
when you say you're all wrong
I know that we'll fight,
from all that we've done
But behind the light,
I can see through your eyes
Wounded animal, wings that can't fly
And I'll keep you forever,
still in my arms
Whether the thorns tear right through me
and scar up and down
I'll keep you still in my arms
I'll keep you still in my arms...
what once was mine
Smile, bittersweet memory
Keeping within, I've tried to pretend
it was once a sweet melody
Behind my eyes
are roses and storms
behind yours,
are sticks and stones
I've kept you soft embraced
through every thorn
And as it tears through
I'll keep you still in my arms
I'll keep you still in my arms...
I know I'm not right,
when you say you're all wrong
I know that we'll fight,
from all that we've done
But behind the light,
I can see through your eyes
Wounded animal, wings that can't fly
And I'll keep you forever,
still in my arms
Whether the thorns tear right through me
and scar up and down
I'll keep you still in my arms
I'll keep you still in my arms...
Anxiety
Stress is sort of getting to me again.
Why do I feel so shitty.. I'm trying to figure out....
Mmm... Well....
I'm just experiencing a lot of anxieties.
List.. Think..
I have D's on my progress report, for the first time ever. And some C's, and a B......
I have to do those interviews, and write a paper.. And study for Japanese.
Oh.. the poetry portfolio...
Please hug me.
My parents are obviously disappointed, and don't have faith in me.
I don't really have much faith either, because it's so much for me to take in and try to balance..
English (LA), US History, Biology, Japanese, Math... All ones that require quite a bit of thought. All ones that assign quite a bit of homework and have a lot of tests.
If I had just three classes to concentrate on, I could get A's like I used to.. But five? Five that require equal amount of thought, time, and patience.. Patience I don't have. Discipline that I lost...
I just want to pass with okay grades and be fine..
I want to be able to sit down at the table and just get it all done.. Without my mind always wandering and feeling unnerved just having it in front of me.
Whilst being overwhelmed, I also feel very.... Yearning? Basically I really, really miss Wess right now and something has heightened this feeling, not sure what. More worried more attached more lonely. But.. can it be helped? Considering I had three days with the luxury of his presence, only for it to disappear once again... His lips, his eyes, his hair, his smile, his self... Him carefree and a glimpse at what I want more than anything to be my future....
Just feeling an overwhelming need for him to be here, next to me.. To not fall asleep in an empty bed..
I miss you..
Why do I feel so shitty.. I'm trying to figure out....
Mmm... Well....
I'm just experiencing a lot of anxieties.
List.. Think..
I have D's on my progress report, for the first time ever. And some C's, and a B......
I have to do those interviews, and write a paper.. And study for Japanese.
Oh.. the poetry portfolio...
Please hug me.
My parents are obviously disappointed, and don't have faith in me.
I don't really have much faith either, because it's so much for me to take in and try to balance..
English (LA), US History, Biology, Japanese, Math... All ones that require quite a bit of thought. All ones that assign quite a bit of homework and have a lot of tests.
If I had just three classes to concentrate on, I could get A's like I used to.. But five? Five that require equal amount of thought, time, and patience.. Patience I don't have. Discipline that I lost...
I just want to pass with okay grades and be fine..
I want to be able to sit down at the table and just get it all done.. Without my mind always wandering and feeling unnerved just having it in front of me.
Whilst being overwhelmed, I also feel very.... Yearning? Basically I really, really miss Wess right now and something has heightened this feeling, not sure what. More worried more attached more lonely. But.. can it be helped? Considering I had three days with the luxury of his presence, only for it to disappear once again... His lips, his eyes, his hair, his smile, his self... Him carefree and a glimpse at what I want more than anything to be my future....
Just feeling an overwhelming need for him to be here, next to me.. To not fall asleep in an empty bed..
I miss you..
Saturday, May 27, 2006
String of Dreams
It was cold.. A long gate ran along the.. mansion. Everything was white, it was snowing. I was barefoot in the snow. I traced my fingers along the tall metal fence, looking at the barbed wire at the top as I walked. I reached the front, where at the entrance were two burning torches. It was the night, and they provided a warm glow to the cold surroundings. The sky was black and I watched the falling snow. I made it to the front gate where the snow was more slush, and you could see a faint gray were the cement would be. I stood in front of it, looking. The only part of the gate that had no barbed wire. I looked down at the latch, which I expected to be locked, but to my surprise the gate was just a bit open. "It's open.." I whispered. I slowly pushed forward, and slipped through the gate. I moved forward down the walk, towards the staircase. I heard a sound behind me, and my head jerked back. I looked and I saw things, creatures, coming behind me. They looked to be dead people, scuttling slowly forward. I ran up to the door, tugging at the doorknob, but it was locked. I looked down and saw a padlock, with a combination. I tugged at it in panic, and then as the creatures drew closer, someone dropped down to land behind me. He was wearing dark clothes and had messy black hair to his shoulders. He stood in a stance to fight, while he turned to me and whispered the combination. 3.... 15... 5... I turned the knob, looking for the numbers. "I have to do it this time.. Maybe I'll be faster.." I unlocked it, dropping the lock to the floor and pushing open the door, slipping in and closing it firmly behind me. I locked it, and exhaled. The mansion was of dark wood, and a few things were familiar. The same desk was in the middle of the room, and the fireplace in the same place. On top of the desk was a glass aquarium that served as a cage, larger than it used to be. Inside was a large mouse, Keebi. I opened the cage and put my hand in, letting it scuttle up and onto my hand, and then off again.
I was in a ship, a car, something that could hover and fly. We were in the dessert, moving towards the rocks dry and grey, of what seemed to be mountains. I opened the side door and moved out, the wind blowing at my hair as I shut it behind me, standing on the ledge. I held two purple wings, and beckoned to people who were passing by, half flying half running. They regarded me. They were purple-skinned from head to toe, with long dark hair and wings. They glared and shook their heads. I heard a voice in my head "If you're not the same, if you're not a fairy too, they won't join you". I succeeded on having other people board, those of almost human features.
I wandered the halls of a prison, looking for a certain cell. I was to be put into one. I found one with a hole in the ceiling, glowing a shade of pink to red. I went into the cell, and then I swung myself up and grabbed the edge of the hole. I looked over the ledge and was looking out at my front yard. My legs swung below me as I tried to pull myself up. Below me and down the hall I heard "you haven't fixed it yet??" and quick footsteps. I pulled myself all the way up, and dropped down into my yard.
I was in a ship, a car, something that could hover and fly. We were in the dessert, moving towards the rocks dry and grey, of what seemed to be mountains. I opened the side door and moved out, the wind blowing at my hair as I shut it behind me, standing on the ledge. I held two purple wings, and beckoned to people who were passing by, half flying half running. They regarded me. They were purple-skinned from head to toe, with long dark hair and wings. They glared and shook their heads. I heard a voice in my head "If you're not the same, if you're not a fairy too, they won't join you". I succeeded on having other people board, those of almost human features.
I wandered the halls of a prison, looking for a certain cell. I was to be put into one. I found one with a hole in the ceiling, glowing a shade of pink to red. I went into the cell, and then I swung myself up and grabbed the edge of the hole. I looked over the ledge and was looking out at my front yard. My legs swung below me as I tried to pull myself up. Below me and down the hall I heard "you haven't fixed it yet??" and quick footsteps. I pulled myself all the way up, and dropped down into my yard.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Future Thoughts
I've been thinking a lot of my future lately..... What I want, what I'm thinking..
First off, I think of the possibility of my first boyfriend not being the one I end up spending my life with, and it makes me feel sick to the stomach, because I don't want to ever be with anyone but him...
So, my thought is... I imagine because we love each other so much, if we ever break up, we'll someday meet again. If he gets to the point of being so gloomy and so depressed that I can't be around him without hurting, and if that causes me to leave him and be gone for something like a year... I think that either I'll die inside and beg for his return, or he'll beg for me to come back. If neither of those happen, then I'd think he'd come back someday when he felt what caused us to be torn apart was something he had gotten over or I had gotten over, something that was no longer an issue.
We both love each other to pieces, and whenever we fight we're both being idiots in one way or another more so than not getting along.. I can't see not forgiving, and I can't see it getting to the point of wanting to leave each other...
But, now I'm going to be honest..
When I finish college or get well into it, I want him to move in with me.
I want to get into college and get a part-time job, and live in an apartment.. And for him to someday move in with me and we'd split the price.
The thing I really can't do is leave Seattle for good. Because I love this city more than any other, and it's home. Wess has had the experience of moving, but I never have.. So I could never let go of this place.
I'm not saying I won't ever travel.. I'm just saying that I don't want to settle down anywhere else, at least from now till the end of my 20's. I've been kinda cooped up so long that I haven't even opened up to my own home, so I couldn't ditch this place. It has a lot of potential.. And the best weather, weather I'm used to, temperatures I like.
I want to travel to different countries and states and I could stay there weeks or months, but I want to go back to the place I call home, here, Seattle.
If you ever want to live with me Wess, please come to me..
I have so many dreams of things to do with you.
First off, I think of the possibility of my first boyfriend not being the one I end up spending my life with, and it makes me feel sick to the stomach, because I don't want to ever be with anyone but him...
So, my thought is... I imagine because we love each other so much, if we ever break up, we'll someday meet again. If he gets to the point of being so gloomy and so depressed that I can't be around him without hurting, and if that causes me to leave him and be gone for something like a year... I think that either I'll die inside and beg for his return, or he'll beg for me to come back. If neither of those happen, then I'd think he'd come back someday when he felt what caused us to be torn apart was something he had gotten over or I had gotten over, something that was no longer an issue.
We both love each other to pieces, and whenever we fight we're both being idiots in one way or another more so than not getting along.. I can't see not forgiving, and I can't see it getting to the point of wanting to leave each other...
But, now I'm going to be honest..
When I finish college or get well into it, I want him to move in with me.
I want to get into college and get a part-time job, and live in an apartment.. And for him to someday move in with me and we'd split the price.
The thing I really can't do is leave Seattle for good. Because I love this city more than any other, and it's home. Wess has had the experience of moving, but I never have.. So I could never let go of this place.
I'm not saying I won't ever travel.. I'm just saying that I don't want to settle down anywhere else, at least from now till the end of my 20's. I've been kinda cooped up so long that I haven't even opened up to my own home, so I couldn't ditch this place. It has a lot of potential.. And the best weather, weather I'm used to, temperatures I like.
I want to travel to different countries and states and I could stay there weeks or months, but I want to go back to the place I call home, here, Seattle.
If you ever want to live with me Wess, please come to me..
I have so many dreams of things to do with you.
Future... 'if'
Engagement/wedding ring..
Gold band, single or three-stoned. One medium-sized main stone (centered) , and if any others, small set-in stones to each side.
Shape of main stone- either cut in the shape of a heart or a smooth sort of dew-drop
Amethyst, ruby, or sapphire.... Or something cheaper and just as pretty.
Custom made.
If possible.. The band is shaped in a way that the stone appears to be held up by branches or fingers. These fingers/branches hold it, spread apart slightly. An earthy-antiquie style ring.
If not gold, some other warm metal.
Possibly engraved for extra.
For guy, if possible/desired, matching styled ring without stones.
One ring serves as both wedding and engagement, the wedding bands will not hold part in it.
Department store/mall jeweler-bought ring is unacceptable.
Gold band, single or three-stoned. One medium-sized main stone (centered) , and if any others, small set-in stones to each side.
Shape of main stone- either cut in the shape of a heart or a smooth sort of dew-drop
Amethyst, ruby, or sapphire.... Or something cheaper and just as pretty.
Custom made.
If possible.. The band is shaped in a way that the stone appears to be held up by branches or fingers. These fingers/branches hold it, spread apart slightly. An earthy-antiquie style ring.
If not gold, some other warm metal.
Possibly engraved for extra.
For guy, if possible/desired, matching styled ring without stones.
One ring serves as both wedding and engagement, the wedding bands will not hold part in it.
Department store/mall jeweler-bought ring is unacceptable.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
A Half-Mindless Freewrite.
Set go. Let it go. Let it be. We're with me and I can see. Blah blah blah and the fan goes whirling round and round, I can't type fast as it though I wish my lightning-quick fingers could match godspeed. Itch, break of conversation. Concentration. The words slip and meld together like melted metal. Soup stains. Stains of chocolate milk out of anger flecked on lightly. Stain of blood on yellow dress. Stain of blood on the pink of a ballroom dance. Painless, though. Soft fabric now, it keeps warm and feels dry. Tired eyes. I'll tell you the worries if what you find isn't too much. I'm demanding, demanding demanding. And one could go mad I feel. I have a high demand on life and everything around me, though I don't ask it, I feel it and only feel it. Never say it. Rest, stop, tired. Tired eyes, yet again. Screen blinding, invisible flickers. Faster than the clicks of time. don't think. don't think don't feel don't worry you can do it find and you will be well as well can be with flowers and eyes that don't follow glossy like those of porcelain dolls, follow. dots cigarettes souvenirs that come in shops and crack as they hit the floor, hold back your tears as they fall, can you let go of it all? can the spaces intetwine and intervene and keep you clean and free of salt studded wetness falling down to dirt to not so fresh waters? Bones and aches, twists in our hearts and doors that don't open. Could it be? We wonder. I don't make sense as I ramble, both tired and bored and without much thought. So let's bring him to mind. Smile. No smile but a smile in my head, knowing smile. Found, found it. Check off the list, we're good. we found a sidekick, we found a connoisseur we found a live-for. We found the shoulder and the hankie and the lips to warm any ache. To catch from any trip to fall. The reflections of water spread like light, pulsing with the trembling of a misplaced leg hard against the wood. Oh but we have things to show, a lot to show. The beams spread apart and widen with themovement and they flicker almost. Hungry only with chocolate in the stomach and taste in the mouth. Paranoia, I can't be here. We already know this.. We don't care.
Call her for me, says the eternally grateful. Like grating cheese. It makes no sense. Is grateful not great? Is it not something of stupendous? Head shoots up to grow towards the door of the light that switches on. Almost what caught us with our pants off. The blinds blow in the wind and the wind is summer-warm. No school is the feeling but sadly not the truth. Studyless. We are unprepared. Coughing realizations. Coughing choking on feelings of course but the coughs are held within. One surfaces. Exhaustion of both pride and joy, too much to handle for one day. We lean in hopes to come closer to the one we owe our lives to. Oh thank you thank you. We don't know how to.. Oh thank you thank you. You feel you owe me for the sour words shared and taken. But I owe you for the honey spread and dripped... never careless. Never cold. Warm as the spring and in anticipation for summer. You were always warm.
Call her for me, says the eternally grateful. Like grating cheese. It makes no sense. Is grateful not great? Is it not something of stupendous? Head shoots up to grow towards the door of the light that switches on. Almost what caught us with our pants off. The blinds blow in the wind and the wind is summer-warm. No school is the feeling but sadly not the truth. Studyless. We are unprepared. Coughing realizations. Coughing choking on feelings of course but the coughs are held within. One surfaces. Exhaustion of both pride and joy, too much to handle for one day. We lean in hopes to come closer to the one we owe our lives to. Oh thank you thank you. We don't know how to.. Oh thank you thank you. You feel you owe me for the sour words shared and taken. But I owe you for the honey spread and dripped... never careless. Never cold. Warm as the spring and in anticipation for summer. You were always warm.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
Unworthy
I honestly don't know what to write. Usually I say that and then write more than a page, but in this case, I'm not so sure. The cellphone's sitting next to the mouse pad. At once point I grabbed it and dragged it around trying to use it as a mouse on accident. Next to the cellphone is the camera. I pause to picture myself now. Should I show myself? Hm. Yeah sure.
I watch the photos as they import. Trying to capture myself without shaking the camera and without a fake smile.
There I am, at this minute.
Sitting with headphones on listening to more new songs, with my pajamas on and my hair slowly growing back.
I'm tired.
I'm worried too. Because I have a kanji test tomorrow. I'm terrible at kanji. But I guess if I memorize it I'll be fine.. But 20..? 20 is a lot.. And I have to bring a poem worthy to read in front of a symphony-theatre-sized audience. God I'm not worthy. That's all I can tell you..... How can I touch everyone in my few and only moments ever talking through my soul to an audience? Not like I talk to people at all.. It's the only chance I'll get to be listened to when I speak from my inner mind. I can't see it ever happening again..
Sigh and stress. Tense.
Okay.. what should my focus be.......
Japanese... and US history. Those two need the most effort. I'll try for that....
And I don't want to disappoint Dana (poetry lady), so I'll finish a poem.
I hate disappointing people.. There's nothing that makes me more guilty. For lord's sake, I wish my math teacher would stop bringing up the missing homework and the late assignments..... I'm working on it, I'm doing the best I can.. I'm not good at these things like I used to be. I'll bring up my grade slowly like I always do. I always find some way. For US history seems my magic doesn't work, so I'll have to try.
I got a D in the class last semester.
The thing is, I did most of the work and had a few missing assignments. So I'm honestly not sure why I had a D. Maybe I didn't do something that was worth a lot....
My parents think that there's something wrong with her grading methods or she recorded something wrong. I admit I think I deserve a C, not a D. At least it's not a N (for no credit) like it used to be....
*checks grades* currently I have a B, C, and N. The N is in math where I have a missing test (the only test we've taken so far) and I have some missing assignments. Thing is, it's been two weeks into the second semester or so, so if you're missing things you're kinda in trouble.
I need a to do list.
Mail Zach the CDs.
Type up and email Nana my poems.
Email mom (she's in Italy).
Make up math and Japanese tests.
Ask when I'm getting my teeth pulled.
Show Dana different poems after school Thursday.
Make a doctor appointment after mom gets back.
Write radio script.
Have mom pay me the 80 dollars she owes me.
Type the resume draft.
Schedule interview/job shadow.
5/2/2006 11:35 PM
SO I don't forget!!
To do:
Check on pressed flowers in the scrapbook.
Make my own crazy myspace survey bulletin... (including questions like 'which do you do more, roll your eyes or stick out your tongue?')
talk to Wess all day
eat breakfast
finish FLCL drawing (eventually)
scan doodle of light and dark side
Don't know what else for now.. I'm sure there's more.
Man I hate being busy. Having a scheduled week is my biggest pet peeve. I like doing whatever feels nice at the time. I loath having so much to think about having to do. Gosh. Anyway, pardon me as I study japanese and get a headache.
I watch the photos as they import. Trying to capture myself without shaking the camera and without a fake smile.
There I am, at this minute.
Sitting with headphones on listening to more new songs, with my pajamas on and my hair slowly growing back.
I'm tired.
I'm worried too. Because I have a kanji test tomorrow. I'm terrible at kanji. But I guess if I memorize it I'll be fine.. But 20..? 20 is a lot.. And I have to bring a poem worthy to read in front of a symphony-theatre-sized audience. God I'm not worthy. That's all I can tell you..... How can I touch everyone in my few and only moments ever talking through my soul to an audience? Not like I talk to people at all.. It's the only chance I'll get to be listened to when I speak from my inner mind. I can't see it ever happening again..
Sigh and stress. Tense.
Okay.. what should my focus be.......
Japanese... and US history. Those two need the most effort. I'll try for that....
And I don't want to disappoint Dana (poetry lady), so I'll finish a poem.
I hate disappointing people.. There's nothing that makes me more guilty. For lord's sake, I wish my math teacher would stop bringing up the missing homework and the late assignments..... I'm working on it, I'm doing the best I can.. I'm not good at these things like I used to be. I'll bring up my grade slowly like I always do. I always find some way. For US history seems my magic doesn't work, so I'll have to try.
I got a D in the class last semester.
The thing is, I did most of the work and had a few missing assignments. So I'm honestly not sure why I had a D. Maybe I didn't do something that was worth a lot....
My parents think that there's something wrong with her grading methods or she recorded something wrong. I admit I think I deserve a C, not a D. At least it's not a N (for no credit) like it used to be....
*checks grades* currently I have a B, C, and N. The N is in math where I have a missing test (the only test we've taken so far) and I have some missing assignments. Thing is, it's been two weeks into the second semester or so, so if you're missing things you're kinda in trouble.
I need a to do list.
Mail Zach the CDs.
Type up and email Nana my poems.
Email mom (she's in Italy).
Make up math and Japanese tests.
Ask when I'm getting my teeth pulled.
Show Dana different poems after school Thursday.
Make a doctor appointment after mom gets back.
Write radio script.
Have mom pay me the 80 dollars she owes me.
Type the resume draft.
Schedule interview/job shadow.
5/2/2006 11:35 PM
SO I don't forget!!
To do:
Check on pressed flowers in the scrapbook.
Make my own crazy myspace survey bulletin... (including questions like 'which do you do more, roll your eyes or stick out your tongue?')
talk to Wess all day
eat breakfast
finish FLCL drawing (eventually)
scan doodle of light and dark side
Don't know what else for now.. I'm sure there's more.
Man I hate being busy. Having a scheduled week is my biggest pet peeve. I like doing whatever feels nice at the time. I loath having so much to think about having to do. Gosh. Anyway, pardon me as I study japanese and get a headache.
Friday, April 28, 2006
(More ranting~)
I swear Wess' friends will be the death of him.
On his own he has enough on his mind and enough to bother him.
Last night at 11 PM my time and 2 AM his time, Rebekka's boyfriend broke up with her and she went into a near-suicide state.
So far he's dealt with 5 suicide threats from friends.
I know it's 'cruel' and 'mean' of me to act annoyed at people who need help, acting like he should turn them away or something.... But WHY Wess? For god's sake. Can they not see he's not doing the best himself? They have to put it all onto him? Do they have to stress him out more than he is already, give him the obligation to be their constant source of advice and help?
It just makes me sad knowing the pressure he goes through and having this shit added to it. I want him to be at peace for just a day or two and his friends create an endless drama in his life, to the point of him not wanting to wake the next day, wondering what will happen next.
Pisses me off quite honestly.
Leave him the hell alone, would you? Would you do him a favor back sometime??!
Maybe if it made him feel good to help people I wouldn't be so distraught. But the thing is, he feels like shit either way, and it doesn't help in the least.
I haven't spoken to him all day. He was up all night, and he gave up on trying to stay awake all today...
I'm just sick of it, you know? I'm not sick of his sleep patterns, I'm not sick of him, I'm sick of them and the endless things that they push his way. Just all the unnecessary stress they put on him.
I want Wess to be happy. And all of it makes him unhappy. Therefore, go to hell, or find someone else to whine to all day.
On his own he has enough on his mind and enough to bother him.
Last night at 11 PM my time and 2 AM his time, Rebekka's boyfriend broke up with her and she went into a near-suicide state.
So far he's dealt with 5 suicide threats from friends.
I know it's 'cruel' and 'mean' of me to act annoyed at people who need help, acting like he should turn them away or something.... But WHY Wess? For god's sake. Can they not see he's not doing the best himself? They have to put it all onto him? Do they have to stress him out more than he is already, give him the obligation to be their constant source of advice and help?
It just makes me sad knowing the pressure he goes through and having this shit added to it. I want him to be at peace for just a day or two and his friends create an endless drama in his life, to the point of him not wanting to wake the next day, wondering what will happen next.
Pisses me off quite honestly.
Leave him the hell alone, would you? Would you do him a favor back sometime??!
Maybe if it made him feel good to help people I wouldn't be so distraught. But the thing is, he feels like shit either way, and it doesn't help in the least.
I haven't spoken to him all day. He was up all night, and he gave up on trying to stay awake all today...
I'm just sick of it, you know? I'm not sick of his sleep patterns, I'm not sick of him, I'm sick of them and the endless things that they push his way. Just all the unnecessary stress they put on him.
I want Wess to be happy. And all of it makes him unhappy. Therefore, go to hell, or find someone else to whine to all day.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
B-l-e-h
I must say, I feel like shit.
So much for weekend rejuvenation.
Saturday night fight.
Sunday afternoon- he has the last word, signs off
Sunday afternoon- I summon sir guardian angel to help me + tears
Sunday evening- I get the last word, sign off. He calls. Talk. Hang up on him. Calls again. Pick up and hang up.
Sunday evening- IM again. I call. More tears, but not mine. Forgiveness.
and now, Sunday evening gloom.
What a fun weekend. -__-
If you don't come back I'm going to go nuts, ya hear?
Could you come back to me?
You know.. the almost happy go lucky, the sarcastic but sweet smartass I remember.
Either that or make summer come sooner so I can smile with you again..
Mom's banning me from the computer because I'm not going downstairs and it's not even my bed time.
What the fuck.
Anyways, hope your weekend was better than mine.
So much for weekend rejuvenation.
Saturday night fight.
Sunday afternoon- he has the last word, signs off
Sunday afternoon- I summon sir guardian angel to help me + tears
Sunday evening- I get the last word, sign off. He calls. Talk. Hang up on him. Calls again. Pick up and hang up.
Sunday evening- IM again. I call. More tears, but not mine. Forgiveness.
and now, Sunday evening gloom.
What a fun weekend. -__-
If you don't come back I'm going to go nuts, ya hear?
Could you come back to me?
You know.. the almost happy go lucky, the sarcastic but sweet smartass I remember.
Either that or make summer come sooner so I can smile with you again..
Mom's banning me from the computer because I'm not going downstairs and it's not even my bed time.
What the fuck.
Anyways, hope your weekend was better than mine.
Help
save me when all falls apart
save me when I break my own heart
save me when I can't do anything more
than feel blindly with my hands
angel save me
----
Joey please help me. Please help me. Please help me please help me....
Falling apart.
Falling apart.
Joey you did it before. Can you again, when it's even more complicated.....
You asked me then..
You asked me yesterday, before the fight...
"Are you okay?"
You knew it was going to happen.
He got like this when he left me.. He got depressed.. He stopped talking..
A week and a half and I thought he could be gone.
He said he needed to get away from it all......
Wess, are you going to leave me again?
Clear your head while mine overflows.
Will you blame me for sending him to speak to you... When I believe all I can do now is hurt you.
No matter how I try, to write peace for the wrongs that I.. have done to you, I'll always fail..
I'll climb the mountains high, I'll fly the darkest skies, to see the fires that I let burn....
And losing you was everything, I'll smooth out over everything, try to find the words to sing, smooth out over everything. I've seen the pains that love can bring, to smooth out over everything.. I lost my heart again, I crossed my heart again..
And dreams of you surround, my waking hours I've found, they comfort me when you're gone....
I'd sail the blackest seas, through storms and oceans deep, to see the fires that I let burn.
And losing you was everything, I'll smooth out over everything. I'll try to find the words to sing, to smooth out over everything. I've seen the pains that love can bring, smooth out over everything..
I cross my heart again.. I cross my heart again...
-Cross My Heart, Yum Yum
....
save me when I break my own heart
save me when I can't do anything more
than feel blindly with my hands
angel save me
----
Joey please help me. Please help me. Please help me please help me....
Falling apart.
Falling apart.
Joey you did it before. Can you again, when it's even more complicated.....
You asked me then..
You asked me yesterday, before the fight...
"Are you okay?"
You knew it was going to happen.
He got like this when he left me.. He got depressed.. He stopped talking..
A week and a half and I thought he could be gone.
He said he needed to get away from it all......
Wess, are you going to leave me again?
Clear your head while mine overflows.
Will you blame me for sending him to speak to you... When I believe all I can do now is hurt you.
No matter how I try, to write peace for the wrongs that I.. have done to you, I'll always fail..
I'll climb the mountains high, I'll fly the darkest skies, to see the fires that I let burn....
And losing you was everything, I'll smooth out over everything, try to find the words to sing, smooth out over everything. I've seen the pains that love can bring, to smooth out over everything.. I lost my heart again, I crossed my heart again..
And dreams of you surround, my waking hours I've found, they comfort me when you're gone....
I'd sail the blackest seas, through storms and oceans deep, to see the fires that I let burn.
And losing you was everything, I'll smooth out over everything. I'll try to find the words to sing, to smooth out over everything. I've seen the pains that love can bring, smooth out over everything..
I cross my heart again.. I cross my heart again...
-Cross My Heart, Yum Yum
....
Thursday, April 20, 2006
April 13th and the Best Week Of My Life
I feel I owe at least some of the story to you. I'll shorten it, but tell nearly all.
My boyfriend of 4 months. My family referred to it as a not-so-blind date. A boyfriend I'd only seen pictures of, talked to, but had never been in presence with. We got together, became boyfriend girlfriend, internet relationship, on December 5th, 2005, and are still together now.
I had a brief fight with him when he told me he couldn't visit during spring break. I wasn't so much upset that he quit the job (which sucked ass anyway), but that if he tried he truly could come. He wasn't old enough to stay in a hotel, and was uncomfortable staying at my house. This was upsetting because I'd do anything to be able to see him, and that includes being uncomfortable with a family I didn't know.. But I eventually came to terms with it, and let it go, waiting for summer to come so I could see him for the first time.
Ends up about a week later, he changed his mind. He didn't tell me this. He talked to my parents and arranged for him to come visit around April 11th as a surprise.
Mom was running a long errand and I thought nothing of it.. She called me downstairs, and I wondered what she wanted. "Okaay, I'm coming" I shouted down the stairs, and I slid from my chair and plunked down the steps...
She wasn't in the kitchen, so I headed to the living room.. In the doorway, my eyes fell upon someone standing in front of the front door, and I quickly recognized him and stopped dead in my tracks. I just stared for a moment, and then made my way through the living room, to where he stood, where I said "Oh my god.... ... This... How..?" aloud.
I gave him a big hug and he returned my embrace.
"Well this is how she looks in her everyday state" Mom said, pointing to my lazy clothes. I chuckled and wished I had worn something more presentable, still hugging him tight.
He sat down on a couch, petting Cocoa which was a strange sight.
He was wearing his black trench coat that I had seen a bit in pictures, and that he had told me about, and his jeans.
We went out on our first date. We walked down to one of my favorite restaurants, China Village. There I quietly stared at him and he laughed and asked if I was alright as he drank an incredible amount of water. I chuckled and nodded, slowly eating, distracted by the shock I was still going through and my nervousness. I sipped my water, and nearly choked on it when his foot grazed mine under the table. I grinned at him and shook my head.
Wess can down a lot of water, and he was on about his 4th glass when he asked for them to just give him a pitcher. While he was on his 3rd, I was still sipping my first.
We laughed quietly and he commented on how my eyes wandered all over as I said nothing. I said to him "Shy, yeah right.. You're talking with no effort and I'm dead silent" He told me that he knew and it was odd because usually he was silent too, but he felt strangely comfortable with me so he wasn't experiencing any shyness. I smiled at that. Before we had ordered I held his hand across the table.
We finished quickly because my appetite was wavering with my nervousness. He had also lost most of his appetite, although he hadn't eaten all day. I was surprised at how little he ate.
When we were done, I called mom on his cellphone and said we were done. We went outside and walked towards the parking lot, looking for a place to wait. I saw an odd little wood staircase that was along a short wall in the parking lot below the fence. A strange little moveable staircase leading to nowhere in particular, chipped white.
We walked towards it and I sat down on the second step, but stood up again pointing to the small spider on cobwebs along the side. He flicked it off for me and sat down, and sat on the left of him, and cuddled up with him. He took my hands in his, leaning his head against me. His hands were larger than mine, and his skin was rough in comparison. Yet at the same time his hands were soft as I squeezed them, mine more thin and bony.
We murmured words and I expressed my disbelief at him finally being with me, at the moment and night being real and not just a dream. He whispered "I'm here, I promise it's real"
I saw the car pull up in the parking lot and saw them before they saw us. I got up and waved, and we walked hand in hand in the car. We were still hand in hand as they drove us back.
.. I'll continue the story later, it's getting a bit late. There'll be a part two. That's only the first half of the first day.
My boyfriend of 4 months. My family referred to it as a not-so-blind date. A boyfriend I'd only seen pictures of, talked to, but had never been in presence with. We got together, became boyfriend girlfriend, internet relationship, on December 5th, 2005, and are still together now.
I had a brief fight with him when he told me he couldn't visit during spring break. I wasn't so much upset that he quit the job (which sucked ass anyway), but that if he tried he truly could come. He wasn't old enough to stay in a hotel, and was uncomfortable staying at my house. This was upsetting because I'd do anything to be able to see him, and that includes being uncomfortable with a family I didn't know.. But I eventually came to terms with it, and let it go, waiting for summer to come so I could see him for the first time.
Ends up about a week later, he changed his mind. He didn't tell me this. He talked to my parents and arranged for him to come visit around April 11th as a surprise.
Mom was running a long errand and I thought nothing of it.. She called me downstairs, and I wondered what she wanted. "Okaay, I'm coming" I shouted down the stairs, and I slid from my chair and plunked down the steps...
She wasn't in the kitchen, so I headed to the living room.. In the doorway, my eyes fell upon someone standing in front of the front door, and I quickly recognized him and stopped dead in my tracks. I just stared for a moment, and then made my way through the living room, to where he stood, where I said "Oh my god.... ... This... How..?" aloud.
I gave him a big hug and he returned my embrace.
"Well this is how she looks in her everyday state" Mom said, pointing to my lazy clothes. I chuckled and wished I had worn something more presentable, still hugging him tight.
He sat down on a couch, petting Cocoa which was a strange sight.
He was wearing his black trench coat that I had seen a bit in pictures, and that he had told me about, and his jeans.
We went out on our first date. We walked down to one of my favorite restaurants, China Village. There I quietly stared at him and he laughed and asked if I was alright as he drank an incredible amount of water. I chuckled and nodded, slowly eating, distracted by the shock I was still going through and my nervousness. I sipped my water, and nearly choked on it when his foot grazed mine under the table. I grinned at him and shook my head.
Wess can down a lot of water, and he was on about his 4th glass when he asked for them to just give him a pitcher. While he was on his 3rd, I was still sipping my first.
We laughed quietly and he commented on how my eyes wandered all over as I said nothing. I said to him "Shy, yeah right.. You're talking with no effort and I'm dead silent" He told me that he knew and it was odd because usually he was silent too, but he felt strangely comfortable with me so he wasn't experiencing any shyness. I smiled at that. Before we had ordered I held his hand across the table.
We finished quickly because my appetite was wavering with my nervousness. He had also lost most of his appetite, although he hadn't eaten all day. I was surprised at how little he ate.
When we were done, I called mom on his cellphone and said we were done. We went outside and walked towards the parking lot, looking for a place to wait. I saw an odd little wood staircase that was along a short wall in the parking lot below the fence. A strange little moveable staircase leading to nowhere in particular, chipped white.
We walked towards it and I sat down on the second step, but stood up again pointing to the small spider on cobwebs along the side. He flicked it off for me and sat down, and sat on the left of him, and cuddled up with him. He took my hands in his, leaning his head against me. His hands were larger than mine, and his skin was rough in comparison. Yet at the same time his hands were soft as I squeezed them, mine more thin and bony.
We murmured words and I expressed my disbelief at him finally being with me, at the moment and night being real and not just a dream. He whispered "I'm here, I promise it's real"
I saw the car pull up in the parking lot and saw them before they saw us. I got up and waved, and we walked hand in hand in the car. We were still hand in hand as they drove us back.
.. I'll continue the story later, it's getting a bit late. There'll be a part two. That's only the first half of the first day.
Monday, April 10, 2006
Lmao, how embarrassing. o__o
Hahahhaha!!!!
Okay, let me tell you a stooory.
Our phonebill came yesterday. For some reason that we all didn't understand, it had constant, CONSTANT calls to Longbeach California. I was like 'wtf, I don't know anyone from there..', nor did any of us. We didn't get it and tried to figure it out. "When were the calls made?" "Well, there are some on the weekend, a lot during the week.." "Well that doesn't make much sense... If it was me, I wouldn't be calling during school...."
Just this morning it occurred to me.
'oh shit.. you must be kidding..'
We actually called the company to try to figure out what the hell was up with the phonebill.... The lady said she hadn't seen anything like it in ten years.
When mom told me this morning that they said it's untrackable, a cellphone, and when I recognized the last four numbers of the telephone number... and that when you call, music plays.... I went 'oooh shit, you're kidding?!'
"Call the number again" I said to her, and she handed me the phone.
I turn bright red.
Wess' cellphone.
-----
Now let me show you the phonebill... Thing is, I've made sure that Wess calls me too most of the time, so my parents won't kill me for calling him so much long-distance.
My mom will never, ever, stop teasing me about this one........
"hahhaaha, I have a teenager!! And she said she hadn't seen anything like it in TEN years, *continues laughing*"
"oh shut up.... -__-;;;; Maaan.. it was over a good month.. it adds up, "
"You've gotta save that phonebill Tanya, you'll look back on it and laugh"
"Yeah... my first boyfriend.. and how obsessed I was..."
Okay okay I'll show you it..... ......
The calls start on February 12th.....
Time to list.
Feb. 12- 2:58 PM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 13- 10:31 AM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 13- 2:08 PM. Call. 117 minutes.
Feb. 14- 3:11 PM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 14- 4:52 PM. Call. 29 minutes.
Feb. 14- 7:43 PM. Message machine. 3 minutes
Feb. 15- 3:03 PM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 15- 4:26 PM. Hang up. 1 minute
Feb. 15- 4:32 PM. Hang up. 1 minute
Feb. 15- 4:51 PM. Hang up. 1 minute
Feb. 15- 5:24 PM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 15- 7:15 PM. Hang up. 1 minute
Feb. 16- 7:02 AM. (too lazy to fill out, I'll only show real calls)
Feb. 16- 3:01 PM.
Feb. 16- 7:58 PM.
Feb. 16- 8:03 PM.
Feb. 18- 12:07 AM.
Feb. 18- 11:03 AM. 45 minutes.
Feb. 19- 6:43 PM.
Feb. 19- 8:29 PM.
Feb. 19- 9:53 PM.
Feb. 20- 5:49 PM.
Feb. 20- 5:58 PM.
Feb. 20- 6:03 PM.
Feb. 20- 6:04 PM.
Feb. 20- 6:14 PM.
Feb. 20- 6:35 PM. 15 minutes.
Feb. 20- 6:51 PM. 16 minutes.
Feb. 20- 7:08 PM.
Feb. 22- 4:01 PM.
Feb. 22- 8:16 PM.
Feb. 22- 11:37 PM.
Feb. 23- 12:21 AM.
Feb. 23- 12:25 PM.
Feb. 23- 12:26 PM.
Feb. 23- 12:27 PM.
Feb. 23- 11:44 PM.
... continues.
I made 65 calls to Wess' cellphone between February 12th and March 9th.
Hahahaha...
Oh god. XD
Why I didn't recognize Wess' number immediately when I saw it on the bill was, I haven't called his cell in a long time. Why? Because in South Carolina, there's no signal. So he can't answer it.
*laughs and shakes head slowly*
I blame Wess for never answering his phone. I have to call like three times to get him to answer it. Which is why I called so many damned times for only 1 minute.
But this is so funny... So I'm calling Wess to tell him the story... Hahaha.
Go me.
He's the only person I call. I don't call anyone else, ever. Pity it's longdistance.
Okay, let me tell you a stooory.
Our phonebill came yesterday. For some reason that we all didn't understand, it had constant, CONSTANT calls to Longbeach California. I was like 'wtf, I don't know anyone from there..', nor did any of us. We didn't get it and tried to figure it out. "When were the calls made?" "Well, there are some on the weekend, a lot during the week.." "Well that doesn't make much sense... If it was me, I wouldn't be calling during school...."
Just this morning it occurred to me.
'oh shit.. you must be kidding..'
We actually called the company to try to figure out what the hell was up with the phonebill.... The lady said she hadn't seen anything like it in ten years.
When mom told me this morning that they said it's untrackable, a cellphone, and when I recognized the last four numbers of the telephone number... and that when you call, music plays.... I went 'oooh shit, you're kidding?!'
"Call the number again" I said to her, and she handed me the phone.
I turn bright red.
Wess' cellphone.
-----
Now let me show you the phonebill... Thing is, I've made sure that Wess calls me too most of the time, so my parents won't kill me for calling him so much long-distance.
My mom will never, ever, stop teasing me about this one........
"hahhaaha, I have a teenager!! And she said she hadn't seen anything like it in TEN years, *continues laughing*"
"oh shut up.... -__-;;;; Maaan.. it was over a good month.. it adds up, "
"You've gotta save that phonebill Tanya, you'll look back on it and laugh"
"Yeah... my first boyfriend.. and how obsessed I was..."
Okay okay I'll show you it..... ......
The calls start on February 12th.....
Time to list.
Feb. 12- 2:58 PM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 13- 10:31 AM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 13- 2:08 PM. Call. 117 minutes.
Feb. 14- 3:11 PM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 14- 4:52 PM. Call. 29 minutes.
Feb. 14- 7:43 PM. Message machine. 3 minutes
Feb. 15- 3:03 PM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 15- 4:26 PM. Hang up. 1 minute
Feb. 15- 4:32 PM. Hang up. 1 minute
Feb. 15- 4:51 PM. Hang up. 1 minute
Feb. 15- 5:24 PM. Message machine. 2 minutes
Feb. 15- 7:15 PM. Hang up. 1 minute
Feb. 16- 7:02 AM. (too lazy to fill out, I'll only show real calls)
Feb. 16- 3:01 PM.
Feb. 16- 7:58 PM.
Feb. 16- 8:03 PM.
Feb. 18- 12:07 AM.
Feb. 18- 11:03 AM. 45 minutes.
Feb. 19- 6:43 PM.
Feb. 19- 8:29 PM.
Feb. 19- 9:53 PM.
Feb. 20- 5:49 PM.
Feb. 20- 5:58 PM.
Feb. 20- 6:03 PM.
Feb. 20- 6:04 PM.
Feb. 20- 6:14 PM.
Feb. 20- 6:35 PM. 15 minutes.
Feb. 20- 6:51 PM. 16 minutes.
Feb. 20- 7:08 PM.
Feb. 22- 4:01 PM.
Feb. 22- 8:16 PM.
Feb. 22- 11:37 PM.
Feb. 23- 12:21 AM.
Feb. 23- 12:25 PM.
Feb. 23- 12:26 PM.
Feb. 23- 12:27 PM.
Feb. 23- 11:44 PM.
... continues.
I made 65 calls to Wess' cellphone between February 12th and March 9th.
Hahahaha...
Oh god. XD
Why I didn't recognize Wess' number immediately when I saw it on the bill was, I haven't called his cell in a long time. Why? Because in South Carolina, there's no signal. So he can't answer it.
*laughs and shakes head slowly*
I blame Wess for never answering his phone. I have to call like three times to get him to answer it. Which is why I called so many damned times for only 1 minute.
But this is so funny... So I'm calling Wess to tell him the story... Hahaha.
Go me.
He's the only person I call. I don't call anyone else, ever. Pity it's longdistance.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Written on Mypsace, yesterday
Hello.
Who are you? Why are you here?
Comment because you can, whether I know you are not.
Why did you join myspace? Are you of the extreme mass who hoped to meet hot guys/chicks with big dicks/tits? Oh hahaha that sorta rhymes. Sorry to be brutally blunt.
Were you pushed into it by your myspacian friends?
Or did you join so you could be a bit more in contact with everyone?
I'll shut up with the questions. But I wouldn't mind them answered.
My poor kitty. She's just laying there, she looks sort of dozed or bored.. She's waiting for me to go to bed... I'm bad at doing my homework. I should I should. But I get so restless with my thoughts and inspiration... And I just met another guy from India, randomly. And I talked to Harmony for the first time in five months.
I make a small sound in regard to my cat, and she gives me her wide-eyed look, wanting me to stand up so she can run down the stairs in front of me, to my room.. She lays on her side now, looking adorable..... hehe.
I wanted to lay in the driveway with him, and listen to him talk of how beautiful the cosmos are, and tell me about movies and hum songs from Nightmare Before Christmas.
We'd cuddle and look at the stars and smile..
You have no idea how much I want to..
Little moments. I would do a lot for those little things. Just the feeling of his hands in mine and his smile when he saw me. His bear hugs. His laugh. Want it terribly.
Two months..? Three..? Three... Or four..
Oh I wish I could know..
But I suppose then life would feel like an eternal countdown. So maybe it's best unknown. But I still wish I knew everything would work out in the way that eventually we'd successfully arrange a day for him to come here..
When I think of love in general, I think of the romance scenes in movies, the very strong and dramatic feeling that brings two people so close. I think of that, and then think of Wess, and think to myself.... He really feels that for me...?
I can't see that, haha.
But I know he loves me. 'with all his heart'..?
Such is unabsorbable. I can't absorb any of this till I know it as I see it. See it to believe it...
I can't see us as a real couple.. I can't see this as truly real.. Well.. I mean...... It doesn't sink in. Yes I see us as a couple and yes I get it, but I don't get it, haha. It's hard to explain. It's like saying 'yes yes I understand' and nodding your head, but not understanding the inner meaning of it all. Getting only the big picture, and not seeing what's really underneath.
I don't know love. I never have. I mean.. I don't know what being loved is.. It's just new to me...
I don't know affection.. Maybe that's what I mean.
When he holds me and when I can see him and feel him and hear every word right there for myself and know from it all that he really means it.. Then I'll know. Then I'll understand truly.
Who are you? Why are you here?
Comment because you can, whether I know you are not.
Why did you join myspace? Are you of the extreme mass who hoped to meet hot guys/chicks with big dicks/tits? Oh hahaha that sorta rhymes. Sorry to be brutally blunt.
Were you pushed into it by your myspacian friends?
Or did you join so you could be a bit more in contact with everyone?
I'll shut up with the questions. But I wouldn't mind them answered.
My poor kitty. She's just laying there, she looks sort of dozed or bored.. She's waiting for me to go to bed... I'm bad at doing my homework. I should I should. But I get so restless with my thoughts and inspiration... And I just met another guy from India, randomly. And I talked to Harmony for the first time in five months.
I make a small sound in regard to my cat, and she gives me her wide-eyed look, wanting me to stand up so she can run down the stairs in front of me, to my room.. She lays on her side now, looking adorable..... hehe.
I wanted to lay in the driveway with him, and listen to him talk of how beautiful the cosmos are, and tell me about movies and hum songs from Nightmare Before Christmas.
We'd cuddle and look at the stars and smile..
You have no idea how much I want to..
Little moments. I would do a lot for those little things. Just the feeling of his hands in mine and his smile when he saw me. His bear hugs. His laugh. Want it terribly.
Two months..? Three..? Three... Or four..
Oh I wish I could know..
But I suppose then life would feel like an eternal countdown. So maybe it's best unknown. But I still wish I knew everything would work out in the way that eventually we'd successfully arrange a day for him to come here..
When I think of love in general, I think of the romance scenes in movies, the very strong and dramatic feeling that brings two people so close. I think of that, and then think of Wess, and think to myself.... He really feels that for me...?
I can't see that, haha.
But I know he loves me. 'with all his heart'..?
Such is unabsorbable. I can't absorb any of this till I know it as I see it. See it to believe it...
I can't see us as a real couple.. I can't see this as truly real.. Well.. I mean...... It doesn't sink in. Yes I see us as a couple and yes I get it, but I don't get it, haha. It's hard to explain. It's like saying 'yes yes I understand' and nodding your head, but not understanding the inner meaning of it all. Getting only the big picture, and not seeing what's really underneath.
I don't know love. I never have. I mean.. I don't know what being loved is.. It's just new to me...
I don't know affection.. Maybe that's what I mean.
When he holds me and when I can see him and feel him and hear every word right there for myself and know from it all that he really means it.. Then I'll know. Then I'll understand truly.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
I now have a larger tendency to post on our blog instead of my own. But I guess it's just because lately I just feel like talking to him, or my thoughts deal with him. I haven't really had many other deep thoughts on anything. I'm really tired.
again, adorkably-yours.blogspot.com
Gah I just want to lay down and sleep.. I wonder why I'm so tired today..
again, adorkably-yours.blogspot.com
Gah I just want to lay down and sleep.. I wonder why I'm so tired today..
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Packrat
My dad's silly....
He says in frustration 'there's no place to put anything in this house! There's just so much crap!' .... The thing he forgets is, all the crap is his.
I mean, seriously.. I found a broken paper-cutter up here that he never got rid of, and a huge stack of really, really, really ugly paper for the printer. I mean seriously, when are we going to print something on dirty brown or neon pink paper?
He claimed that we 'could' use it so we shouldn't get rid of it. Christ. If we need paper, we can buy some. We don't need to stash ugly paper up here with the rest of our overloaded upstairs.
Yet he had SUCH a hard time getting rid of them. He said "why are these down here" and I said nothing.
Now he sighs quite audibly as he tries to clean up his mess.
I asked him to get rid of some of it but whatever shitty completely useless thing I claim needs to go he says we'll keep because we could use it 'sometime'. God.
I hope he goes nuts and just throws it all out.
We've saved every computer game box, every manual, every CD case, every CD spiral, every keyboard, every guidebook every wire and every monitor to ever enter this home. Every sheet of useless paper, every guide every tutorial, even for things we don't use anymore.
I wish I could take it all and sneak it in the garbage. Because I swear to you, he wouldn't notice. The only reason he would.. would be when he realized the house was so much cleaner.
He says in frustration 'there's no place to put anything in this house! There's just so much crap!' .... The thing he forgets is, all the crap is his.
I mean, seriously.. I found a broken paper-cutter up here that he never got rid of, and a huge stack of really, really, really ugly paper for the printer. I mean seriously, when are we going to print something on dirty brown or neon pink paper?
He claimed that we 'could' use it so we shouldn't get rid of it. Christ. If we need paper, we can buy some. We don't need to stash ugly paper up here with the rest of our overloaded upstairs.
Yet he had SUCH a hard time getting rid of them. He said "why are these down here" and I said nothing.
Now he sighs quite audibly as he tries to clean up his mess.
I asked him to get rid of some of it but whatever shitty completely useless thing I claim needs to go he says we'll keep because we could use it 'sometime'. God.
I hope he goes nuts and just throws it all out.
We've saved every computer game box, every manual, every CD case, every CD spiral, every keyboard, every guidebook every wire and every monitor to ever enter this home. Every sheet of useless paper, every guide every tutorial, even for things we don't use anymore.
I wish I could take it all and sneak it in the garbage. Because I swear to you, he wouldn't notice. The only reason he would.. would be when he realized the house was so much cleaner.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
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